Transcription
It was in my mind. I wasn't thinking like, "100% this is going to kill me." I was kind of thinking like, "This has a chance to kill me. Like, it's probably like a 50/50 chance. I'm going to kind of like let fate decide."
>> Tommy, where you from originally? Where'd you grow up?
>> I am originally from North Jersey. I grew up in a suburb called Paramus, but I was born in Queens.
>> And tell me about your family growing up.
>> So, I grew up with both of my parents in the house until about age 10, maybe 11. And before then, it was a pretty picture-perfect childhood. Um, I had a really good family dynamic. I remember big Christmases and Thanksgivings with the whole extended family. We had dinner at the table every night, all four of us, my parents and my older brother. Um, and we'd go on vacations, you know, just do a lot of family things. And, uh, things were really good. I didn't have many complaints up until that age. And then eventually my parents split up and my dad moved out of the house, and that's kind of where my issue started arising.
>> Was your parents' divorce the main problem for you?
>> No. Um, when I was younger, I had like some childhood like sexual trauma that I'd rather not get too into detail with, but there was that. And uh, eventually, I would start experiencing some like mental illness.
>> That's horrible.
>> Yeah, it is. It's not the best.
>> No.
>> But yeah, when my dad left, it left me in the house with my mom and my older brother, who's 5 years older than me. And uh, my older brother at the time, he was in high school, uh, and he was off doing what high schoolers do, partying, hanging out with their friends, you know, as he should. Uh, so I didn't see him too much. And then my mom kind of did the same thing. She was working two jobs as long as I can remember. She's always worked two jobs and just always like worked her ass off to provide for me and my brother. So I didn't see her as much. Like, she did her best, and we did spend a lot of quality time together. I'd see her every day, but sometimes she'd come home late at night and stuff. And uh, I spent a lot of time alone as a kid, which I think kind of shaped me into who I am, amongst other things, too. Uh, it affected me both in positive and negative ways, I'd say. Uh, in terms of positive, it helped me develop a lot of practical skills. Like, at that age, I was already doing laundry and cooking for myself and washing dishes and things like that. And uh, I remember even by the time I was 13, I started making my own money. Uh, I got this idea on YouTube to go to the thrift store and like flip like vintage clothing and like sneakers and sports jerseys and things like that. And now, like everybody does that, especially out here in LA, but I was very early. And I was like, I was low-key making a killing when I was like 13, buying things for like a dollar and then selling it for like 200 on eBay. So that was a good example of just how hyper-independent I was. Being alone, it kind of forced me to develop these skills, which I think was a good thing overall. And a lot of those, I developed a lot of positive traits that I think still help me today.
But uh, it also made me kind of weird, man. Like, being alone will do that to you, I think. Uh, I always, growing up, I was always very socially awkward. Uh, and I had a lot of trouble interacting with people. Like, I was just always in my own head, you know? Like, every single interaction I had with someone, I would afterwards, I would replay that conversation over and over in my mind, just thinking, "Did I sound weird in that conversation? Did I sound stupid?" Uh, even down to like my body language. It's like, I'd be sitting in a chair and I'd be like, "Should my arms be like this? Should they be on my lap? Should I have them folded like this?" Like, just every minute detail would just like haunt me, man. And that's something that I struggled a lot with, and I still do a little bit to this day. Um, and I think being alone so much probably contributed to that a little bit. Um, being alone also, I think from an early age, it made me afraid to ask for help. Um, like, I just grew so independent, I felt like I could do everything by myself. And I even started to harbor some resentment towards my father for not being there. And, you know, at my young, ass, naive age, I'm thinking, "Oh, I just made $200 from this pair of sneakers. Why do I need my dad?" Like, he's not doing anything. Like, obviously, I was wrong. And he was a great provider and he did so much for us, but that's kind of the mindset that I started to grow as a kid. Um, and yeah, that hesitancy to ask for help would follow me into my adult years, and it would really screw me over, man, in a lot of ways. Um,
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Uh, that was also like around the same age that I started to experience depression for the first time. So, I remember how it started was I would just kind of wake up on a lot of mornings and feel very down. Like, I was like a 12, 13-year-old kid, and I would come into class with my head down and not want to talk to anybody. And uh, I remember one day this girl came up to me and was like, "Tommy, are you okay?" 'Cause I was visibly upset, right? And I really had to think about her question for a while because in my head I was like, "Yeah, like I am okay. Like, why am I acting like this?" Uh, I couldn't explain why I was feeling like this. Like, I'm a 13-year-old kid, bro. All I'm doing every day is playing basketball and playing Pokémon and stuff. Like, I have no cares in the world, really. Um, and I couldn't explain it. But that's, I think, when I started to realize like, maybe I was a little bit different than the other kids, like maybe something was wrong with me. It wouldn't be until years later I would actually get diagnosed with bipolar and some other stuff. Uh, and when I started to learn more about my mental illness and about mental health in general, that's when I started to understand exactly what I was feeling at that young age. But at the time, I just thought I was crazy, man. I was losing my mind.
And that mindset would follow me into high school. And that's where I started to use substances to deal with these negative emotions. So, by the time I was 15, I was smoking weed every day. Um, I had started young, like from age like 11 to 13. I tried it a few times. Uh, but it was never used as a coping mechanism. When I got to high school, I was using it to escape and deal with this feeling of depression. So, I fell in love with it very quickly. And by the time I was 16, 17, when I'm like a junior in high school, uh, I started doing pills, and namely Xanax. Uh, Xanax was like the love of my life at that time. I remember the first time I took Xanax, I really just told myself, "I want to feel like this every day." Like, I had really crippling anxiety as a kid. Like, I was very scared to even talk to people. And I would take this pill, and it would completely get rid of that shit. Like, it made me confident. It made me social. It made me like the person that I really wanted to be. I felt like a normal, functioning human being for the first time ever. Um, so I told myself, "I want to do this every day," and that's exactly what I did. Um, and before you know it, I'm coming to school fucked up on Xanax every day like in high school. Uh, it's crazy 'cause I used to drive to high school, right? And I used to drive to school my junior year and my senior year like every day just with a blunt in my hand, smoking and fucked up on Xanax at like 7 in the morning, on some nut shit.
So, that's kind of what high school was for me. Uh, I don't even remember too much of that. I just remember walking through the hallways like a zombie and sleeping through all my classes and shit.
>> Were you a loner?
>> No, I had friends. I had... I wasn't like a popular kid by any means. Um, but I had like a few close friends, and they were kind of watching everything happen. Some of them were doing the drugs with me. Some of them were kind of starting to distance themselves from me. Um, but I never felt like I had someone that I could really talk to about personal things. Like, some friends here and there, but I always felt alone. Like, no matter how many people I was with, I always felt alone. Um, but yeah, I started dabbling with other drugs, too. Uh, opiates, Adderall. I started experimenting a lot with psychedelics. Uh, and I just tried to escape with whatever substance that I could find and get my hands on. And from an early age, I started to discover that you can use substances to eliminate all your problems, essentially. Um, and that mindset is what really would screw me over in the future.
So, um, I get to college eventually, and somehow I end up turning my life around a little bit. I spent the first two years not doing any pills. I got a girlfriend. I was in a healthy, happy relationship for like three years. She really helped me get my shit together. And I was doing well in my classes, starting to have hope in my career. Uh, and I felt a lot better, but I still wasn't... I was still really reliant on these bad habits. Like, I was still smoking weed every single day. I literally smoked weed every day from when I started when I was 15 until when I was 26. I'm 27 now, so I just kind of stopped recently. But I was smoking incessantly in college. Like, I was selling a lot of it. So I was making pretty good money. And I just had like an unlimited free supply of weed, basically, every day. And every single day I was just smoking in my dorm, selling weed, and just people knocking on my door like a drive-thru and shit, just building terrible habits and living like a bum, honestly. But, um, yeah, there was that. And I was also super, super dependent on my girlfriend at the time. She was like my only source of happiness and like emotional regulation, kind of. Um, so yeah, I felt better, but I still didn't have like a foundation, like a structure for my mental health. Like today, I have a strict regimen for my mental health. I journal. I meditate every day. I take walks. I work out and go play basketball like six times a week. Like, I do things that I know will make me feel better. And at the time, I didn't have any of that at all. Um, so college was okay.
And then fast forward to 2022, that's when I really started to have some issues. So, um, 2022, that was like the worst year of my life, I'd say. Um, yeah. Yeah, it was definitely the worst year of my life, man. Uh, I tried to kill myself on 10-plus different occasions. Um, and I say 10-plus because I really don't know the exact amount. Like, I was so fucked up on drugs that year, and I, most of them were attempts at overdosing. So, a lot of these attempts kind of blend in with each other. And in terms of like my exact thoughts and feelings or like the exact things I did those days, I don't... it's a blur. I don't really remember. I just remember feeling really, really low.
>> Were you trying to kill yourself, or were you just reckless with the drugs?
>> I was trying to kill myself. Um, on Friday, I would I would still consider... in a... Oh, wait. Sorry. I'm skipping ahead. Um, so I tried to kill myself 10-plus different times, but there was this one weekend where I tried to kill myself three days in a row. It was a weekend, and it was Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Every single day I tried. Um, and uh, I guess before I get into that, I should give some context on why I was feeling like that. Um, so I had broken up with that girl that I was with in college, and like I said, she was like my only support at the time. So, uh, I quickly started dabbling in drugs again. And I'm not like a habitual daily user yet, but I'm dabbling. Um, and then my dog dies. Uh, my childhood dog of 16 years, his name's Coco. I miss you, Coco. Uh, that was like my best friend, bro, in the whole world. Like, it sounds so dramatic and so pathetic almost, honestly, to be that upset over a dog. And then I kind of struggle with that and being open with that when he died, but like that was my dog, but like that was my dog.
>> People get attached to their dog.
>> Exactly. Right. Like that was, you know how I was telling you like I spent a lot of time alone as a kid? Like, there'd be days or there'd be nights when it'd be like 2 AM on a weekday and I wouldn't know where anyone in the house is. I don't know where my mom is. I don't know where my brother is. But I would never truly be alone 'cause I had this dog. And I would laugh with this dog, man. I'd cry to this dog. I'd talk to this dog like he really understood every word I was saying. And it weirdly felt like he did sometimes. And that shit really fucked me up, man. But I was dealing with that, and that is what led me to being a daily user again. After that, you know, you interview a lot of drug addicts, you know, that our minds are always telling us that, or they're always trying to justify an excuse to use again, right? And that was exactly the excuse I needed. Like, I'm fucked up about my dog. Who cares if I do drugs again every day? And that's exactly what I did. And uh, this time, instead of Xanax, I got really hooked on opiates. I started doing oxies every day. And that shit is expensive, man. Like, it's like $30 to... I don't know the market now, but back then I was paying like $30 to $60 a pill. Um, and that shit was eating on my bank account. And then I started getting codeine shipped to my house from Europe on the internet and getting all types of shit shipped to my house, like gabapentin and pregabalin and soma, a lot of shit that people probably don't even know what it is. Uh, I was still doing Xanax at that point. I was just getting absolutely fried basically on the daily. Um, and I was a full-blown drug addict again. Even worse than I was in high school. Uh, so I was dealing with that, the drug addiction, the dog, and then, I'm sorry, I know this context is taking a long time, but I was also dealing with the most toxic, like immature, just terrible relationship/breakup that you could possibly think of. After I broke up with the previous girl, I got into a relationship with another girl very quickly, probably because I was feeling like shit. Um, and without going into too much detail, it ended very messily, and I was very fucked up about it. So, I'm dealing with that now. And then lastly, um, this is like around when I first graduated college. And around that age, like even if you didn't go to college, it's in your early 20s. That's around the age that you start to see your friends a lot less. You know, people are starting jobs and relationships and moving to different states. And that's what I was dealing with. And I would pretty much barely see my friends anymore. And then my mom, the last kicker, my mom, probably my closest family member, the one who really raised me, she was moving to a different state in Atlanta to be with her parents because they were getting older and she wanted to spend time with them, which I 100% supported. But basically, in like a year, it felt like I lost my dog, my best friend, what I thought was the love of my life at the time, my mom, and then all my friends. So, like, it just felt like I was alone, just like when I was a kid, like I was alone again. And uh, I felt... I started to feel pretty hopeless, man. And you know, I understand like a lot of these things are first-world problems. Like, there's people who are going through so much more severe shit, like that are actual problems. Um, and I think I could have dealt with these problems if I wasn't on drugs. But the drugs were just fucking on my mind. That shit just messes with your emotions and makes it impossible to heal. Like, no matter how much time passes, if you're not sober, you're not going to fully heal from anything. Like, you have to experience that pain in order to heal and feel better. And at the time, I was just numbing that pain with substances.
So, um, yeah, that's what 2022 looked like. Um, and it led... it got so bad that I tried to off myself three times in a row on some crazy shit. Uh, so it was a rough weekend, and like I said, I don't remember all the exact details, but I must have had a pretty terrible day that Friday and I decided to mix a bunch of pills together, like most of the ones that I named before. Um, and you're not supposed to really mix those together, especially opiates and benzodiazepines. It's dangerous. So, I intentionally mixed all these pills that weren't supposed to be mixed together. I took a lot more than I normally would. And uh, I fell asleep. And uh, I think Friday, like, it was in my mind, I wasn't thinking like, "100% this is going to kill me." I was kind of thinking like, "This has a chance to kill me. Like, it's probably like a 50/50 chance. I'm going to kind of like let fate decide."
So obviously, I wake up the next morning and I'm fine. I'm alive. Um, and I'm really upset at this point. Like, one thing about failing a suicide attempt is that it can be almost demoralizing. Like, in some instances, a failing suicide attempt can be almost uplifting, which I've experienced in the past because it's like you come out on the other side of this traumatic event and you feel blessed and lucky to be alive and this is like the wakeup call you need. And I've experienced that before, but this time was very different. I just didn't have any hope, man. Like, I just... I was pissed. I felt like a failure, actually. It's like, you can't do nothing right in your life, and you can't even kill yourself, right? Like, who knew it would be so hard to overdose? But, um, that night, I try again that Saturday. Um, and this time, I take the same pills. I mix all the pills, except I take more of them. And then I also drink some alcohol. And I'm thinking in my head like, "This should probably do the trick." Like, I was a little bit more serious about this attempt than on Friday. Uh, so I take everything and then I fall asleep. And obviously, I live again. And uh, by this point, like, demoralized is an understatement. Like, at this point, I'm like a mad man. Like, red in the face, like damn near hyperventilating. Like, just so overwhelmed with grief and sadness and anger. I just... I was out of my mind. Like, I was no different than one of these people on Skid Row, screaming at themselves on the sidewalk. Like, I was that level of crazy at that point. Um, and this time I'm like, "Fucking overdosing. I need something a little bit more guaranteed."
So, the thing that's tough with overdosing, um, which is a weird thing to say, um, when you overdose, there's the possibility that you can have a seizure or go into convulsions, and it can be a very painful, slow death, uh, contrary to popular belief. Um, and you know, it's even possible that you can have like a seizure and fall off your bed and then be paralyzed for life. You know, I've heard of shit like that happening and living, which sounds awful. And so, I wanted to avoid that. I wanted to find like the sweet spot of like taking enough drugs to die, but not having all that other crazy shit happen to me. Um, and I couldn't get there. So, I decide to try this method that I read online about. Um, so I, at like 10, 11 in the morning, I had just woken up. I'm feeling crazy. I drive my ass to Party City and I buy one of those big ass helium tanks, right? Like, to fill up balloons. And they probably thought I was going to like a kid's birthday party or something. But no, I was using that shit to off myself.
So, I drive to the Red Robin parking lot and I went to this parking lot because my ex used to work there and I'd hang out with her sometimes in the lot, like if I drove her to work and she had some extra time, and I knew the lot was very secluded, and it was something that you could do something like this in. So, I drive to this lot like 11:00 in the morning. I got all the windows shut and I got the helium tank in the passenger seat. And on Friday and Saturday, I actually didn't tell anybody about those attempts. I was just... I didn't care. I was ready to go. But on this Sunday, for whatever reason, um, I decided to text my ex like before I do it. And I didn't tell her exactly where I was or what I was about to do, but I probably sent her... I don't really remember the exact message, but I sent her like this depressed, like cryptic and vague message, you know, like, "I love you and I appreciate all the shit you did for me." Some shit, you know. And uh, I send that to her. And I also send her like all the money in my checking account, which is crazy. Like, I had more in my savings that I wrote a note to give to my mom. But for the checking, I had like a few thousand there, and I sent it to her. I was like, "Enjoy this. Whatever. Whatever." And then I let off all the helium in the car and I fell asleep.
So, I fell asleep like pretty quick, actually. Like, you would think in a moment like that, you would be reflecting on all the moments in your life. And at this point, like I was pretty sure I was going to die. But you're like reflecting on all the moments in your life and thinking about all the shit that you're upset about. But it wasn't really like any of that. Like, surprisingly, it was just like I fell asleep like a baby, bro. Like, I felt like weirdly very calm and like serene in that moment. Um, but yeah, I fell asleep and then, bro, before you know it, I wake up to a knock on the window. Obviously, like probably my ex called them or whatever, but I see it's a cop. And at that point, I'm like, "All right, I'm fucked." Like, I just failed three times in a row. I already know what's going to happen. I've had previous attempts where I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. And uh, I already knew like the whole process. They're going to take me in the ambulance, take me to the psych ward. I'm going to be there for a little bit until they think I'm fit to be back in society. So, that's exactly what happened. They took me in the ambulance. They started taking me to the hospital and uh, something pretty weird happened in the hospital. So, they didn't have enough rooms or like beds for me, right? So, they put me in one of those beds on wheels and they just put me in the hallway. Like, I'm not in a room and I'm damn near in the lobby. So, I'm laying there in the bed, um, and I see someone walk in. I see a cop walk in, and I recognize him. It just so happens to be the father of one of my childhood friends. Like, this man used to take us to basketball games and take us to dinner and shit, and I grew up very close to him and I hadn't seen him for years. So it was just a crazy coincidence. Um, so I call him over. I'm like, "Yo, Mr. Whatever, whatever, come over here." And he's like, "Tommy, what the hell? What happened to you?" Um, and I just give him the whole lowdown. And then we start having this deep talk, man, just about life and shit. And, um, it was just crazy. Like, I... it was the last person I could have expected to see there. Um, and it weirdly took me out of like the sad, like depressed, I want to kill myself mindset. Like, it made me like be like, "What the fuck? Like, why is he here?" And like my attention was just completely shifted. But we're talking, and uh, the nurse eventually tells me, he's like, "Hey, uh, your driver's here. It's time to transfer you to the other hospital."
So, the father of my friend, the cop, he tells the nurse, "Oh, like, don't worry about it. I'll escort him out." And she's like, "Yeah, sure, whatever." So he escorts me out to the door, to the car. He loads me into the car. We say our goodbyes, and I'm on my way to the psych ward. And I fully expected to be in the psych ward probably for like, I don't know, a few weeks, maybe like a month. I was pretty bad, so they probably would have kept me in there for a little bit. But, um, at some point in the car ride, I realized that this is just a regular Uber driver. Like, I expected them to have some kind of designated driver from the hospital, but it was literally just an ordinary Uber driver. I think I saw the Uber app on his phone. Um, so at that point, like the devious part of my mind starts to activate, and the sad, depressed little boy side of my mind starts to deactivate. And I turn to the driver, I'm like, "Yo, can I throw you like 20 bucks and you could change the destination to a different address?" And like, without hesitation, he's like, "Yeah, let's do it." Um, this man did not give a fuck whether I made it to the hospital or not. He was literally just a regular Uber driver. So, I managed to escape from the hospital and avoid potentially weeks in this psych ward. And I was just... I was happy. I was pretty happy about this shit. Like, it was the first thing I was happy about in like the whole weekend. 'Cause I just know how fucked up the psych ward is. Like, I've been a few times, and like, I compare the psych ward to mental health patients is what prison is to criminals. Like, it doesn't help. There's no rehabilitation or reform. It's like, just makes it worse. So I knew like I would have been in this into some shit if I went.
So, I get home. The Uber driver takes me home. And now I'm like, "What the fuck do I do now?" Like, I'm in the same place that I was like in the beginning of the day. I went through all this shit, and now I'm in the exact same place. Like, nothing has changed. Um, so you would think that I would just go back to my old habits, and I did that night. I definitely did. It had been almost a full day without drugs, and I immediately went into my room to rummage for some pills or whatever. By the grace of God, by the grace of God, by the grace of God, I looked in my fridge and I found a singular ounce of codeine, and that was that was all I needed right there. That's all I needed. So, I start pouring up the codeine, start getting to rolling up some weed, and I call my homie over, Eric. Uh, he's like my best friend. I've known him my whole life. And I actually end up having a pretty significant night that night.
So, Eric comes over and I'm telling him the whole story. Like, I just had to tell somebody about this crazy ass shit that just happened to me. It literally felt like a fever dream. Like, how the fuck is any of this shit real? So I'm telling him the story and we're just sitting and smoking in my garage, and he says some shit to me that really stuck with me. Like, he turns to me and he's like, "Tommy, why don't you just try going one day sober? Like, you could do that tomorrow. Like, you should do this tomorrow. Like, you can smoke all the weed in the world that you want, just go one day sober without the opiates, without the pills." Um, and immediately I shut him down and I'm like, "Hell no." Like, that's impossible. Like, you don't understand. And like, to me, what he was asking of me was like, it was literally impossible. Like, he might as well have asked me to go climb the Empire State Building butt ass naked. Like, it was that type of crazy to me, what he was asking. So I said no. He didn't push it too much. Um, the night ends, but the next day, I weirdly just kept thinking about the shit that he said. Like, my... it was the first time that someone really challenged me like that. Like, my other friends, I love them all to death, but they would kind of just watch me do drugs like a lot of times, and they would never say, "Why are you doing these drugs?" or "Maybe you should chill out on these drugs?" Like, they would just watch me do them. And I don't blame them for that. I don't have resentment towards that. I did all this shit to myself. But I am really appreciative of this one friend for challenging me like that because the next day, I couldn't get his shit words out of my head.
Instead of like immediately going to get drugs in the morning and getting high, uh, I held off. And it wasn't like I was... it wasn't like this triumphant moment like, "Oh, like today is going to be the day I quit drugs. Like, today I'm not going to do anything." Like, no matter what. Like, it wasn't like that at all. So it was literally in my head, I was just thinking like, "Like, one day. Can I do one day?" And I wasn't even putting any pressure on myself. I wasn't thinking like, "I have to do this today." I was thinking, "I'll try, and if I fail, it's whatever. I'll get high at night. I'll get high the next day. Whatever." Like, I put like no pressure on myself. And somehow, I just got through the whole day without drugs. Like, I felt like absolute dog shit, and I smoked a ton of weed like Eric told me to. But I didn't take any opiates that day or any pills. And that was like the first day I hadn't done that in like probably like a year-plus at that point. And that was really the start of my recovery. Um, I'm pretty sure I got high. I went like one day sober, and I got high like pretty much the next day after. But that day showed me a lot. It showed me that I'm capable of living without drugs for a day. And I started to have more of those days. Like, I would eventually be at a point where I'd be like, "All right, every week I'm going to have one sober day." Then it got to two sober days and three. And eventually, I got to a point where I was only doing drugs on the weekends. And then finally, I kicked that shit completely. And next week, actually, I'm about to be a year clean from opiates.
>> What do you think the key was for you? What did you have that a lot of addicts don't?
>> Me inherently, nothing. I don't think I'm special or anything like that. Um, for me personally, that approach, that one day at a time approach, kind of worked for me. I know some people, they need to cut all of it out, cut the weed, cut the alcohol, like anything that will make them relapse, but for me personally, it helped a lot to not put any pressure on myself or any expectations and literally just go one day at a time.
>> Interesting.
>> Yeah. Um, so Eric's words, I think, really, really helped me a lot. And um, I also ended up moving out here to Los Angeles. Uh, all of that happened in New Jersey, cold ass New Jersey, where you're miserable six months out of the year and there ain't shit to do. Um, LA helped me a lot. There's a ton of like wellness programs out here and just healthy things to do. I really just changed my whole lifestyle around slowly, just exercising more, putting better foods into my body, um, doing all the things that I named before. Um, and somehow I have been able to escape that crazy ass lifestyle that I used to live. I'd really say like right now is probably the closest to happy that I've ever been in my adult life.
>> What are you doing now?
>> Um, I work this little remote job. I work in marketing. Um, I do enough to get by. Um, and I have some like personal creative passions that I'm working on and stuff, but just nothing crazy, like just enjoying the little things and appreciating the mundane, you know.
>> What do you what would you say is the most important thing you've learned after all this?
>> The most important thing that I've learned, I want to say, don't give up. That sounds really corny 'cause I've given up so many times and I've just been blessed with more opportunities. I'd say just live in the moment. Live in the present. Don't worry about where you're going to be a year from now, two years from now. Just, I mean, obviously work towards things and have long-term plans, but don't obsess over it and don't get so lost in either the future or the past that you lose who you are in the present moment. Just right now, all you need to figure out is how to cope and get through today because that's hard enough already.
>> All right, Tommy, thank you so much for sharing your story.
>> Thank you, Mark. I appreciate it.
>> I'm glad you're doing better now.
>> Thank you so much.
>> Thank you.
>> Thank you.
>> When I was designing the first Softwood Underbelly book, I realized that there were so many great portraits that weren't going to make it into that book. They just wouldn't fit. And once I saw how well that first book sold, I knew I'd have to design a second book. This second book is finally ready to ship. Like the first one, this book has a collection of some of the best portraits from Softwite Underbelly, accompanied by a quote from that person's interview. This book features another group of Rebecca portraits, as well as a collection of color images of the Whitaker family and plenty of others. You can order yours for $125 or $150 for a signed copy at softwadunbelly.org. Again, like the first book, once this book is sold out, I will not be printing more of them. The portraits are what Softwire Underbelly is all about, and these two books contain the best of all that work. Thank you for watching.