Transcription
Would there be any way you could get people inside the church building who never go to church, or who’ve left the church—meaning they used to go, and they had so many rules and so many bad experiences? Is there any way in the world to get them inside so you can talk to them again?
I’m Newt, and you’re with Pastor P.D. A--, and we’re talking about weddings and funerals; we’re talking about special events in people’s lives, and that maybe sometimes the church doesn’t make enough of them, or celebrate enough; or that even I, as a pastor, just kind of pull out the last funeral or the last wedding and go in there, “Hey, we’re talking about a very emotional time for people—of course, in pain, but also joy—and a time when you can touch, when I can, by God’s help, touch their hearts and also make them think about something even bigger than weddings and funerals.” So think today: How do I do this, and how does our church do it, and what could we do that would really connect? We’ve all sat through weddings where the guy’s reading it, or the woman’s reading it from a book: “Joe, we have gathered in the sight of God and man to join this couple in holy matrimony.” In the beginning, it was, “Sulley, come on!” How do we love, give good content, and connect at the same time? Weddings and funerals—there’s so much heart already there. I mean, people are already crying, and I mean that with respect at a funeral, but also at a wedding, because it is such a tender time.
So I think it’ll be very important for me, and and us, and as pastors—weddings, funerals…Jim, thoughts on this? What, as a person looks through their life, there’s these moments that are like pinnacle moments—like they never forget. You don’t forget when you got married, and you don’t forget burying a loved one. And so as I prepare for those moments, I try to put myself into that scenario, that that couple’s facing, that that family’s facing; and I walk into their pain, or I walk into their joy, and so many levels. I tried to, as best as I can, to experience what they’re experiencing, so that I don’t stick out like I’m not connected. And so I look for ways, even with weddings and funerals, to let them know that I care, that I’m with them, that I’m excited with them—all the emotion that God has put inside of me. This is your chance to emote what they’re emoting. And so often, for instance, during someone has passed away that’s been near and dear—not only if I’m doing the service myself, but even the people in my church or my staff—I’ll tell them this: Make sure, in some form or fashion, that you’re in the picture—whether you’ve sent a text, whether you’ve sent an email, whether you’ve left a phone call. Sillim, they look back on that special time in their life—you and your staff and your volunteers, staff was in the picture. So when they paint that picture, it shows that you care about them.
Weddings—I try to make it real; I try to personalize it. I don’t want to be stiff, like Newt was talking about earlier, how it often happens. I [pause] pieces of the ceremony that tells a little bit about them, tells a little bit about me, and how much I enjoy this moment. So personalize it, make it real, feel their pain, and give them a chance to grieve. Funerals—I will often speak to the living. I’ll honor the husband that’s still living and thank him for loving his wife. I’ll honor the mother, the father, the wife that’s still living and speak to them and say thank you for the way…I also explain to them it’s okay to grieve. And so I try to feel what they’re feeling and make it a real tender moment. Jeff, you’ve experienced weddings and funerals too, and what do you do to make some of those things come alive?
I think a lot of those very personal touches are huge. I really agree with what Jim said about people take a picture. My mentor, Bob Combs, taught me years ago that when people are in deep grief and pain, or at moments of great joy, they take a snapshot. And he said the pastor’s job is always to be in the background of that snapshot. We don’t take over the snapshot; we’re just—we’re in the family photo. And that’s actually why I love weddings and funerals is you—you actually kind of get to join the family; that you’re—you’re a part of those moments. Those are intimate moments, and the family will open a door and say, “Pastor, come—come be a part of our family and and take us through this time together.” I found, especially with funerals, that oftentimes when I do a funeral, I wind up becoming the extended family’s pastor. So I do this funeral, and then I do Uncle so-and-so and Cousin such-and-such; and the family, whether they’re Christ followers or not, will turn back to me again and again. And I count that as a real privilege, and a real open door. Is that…I’ve talked to church planters, and I tell them, “Go to the funeral homes and volunteer to do any funeral that needs a pastor, because you will meet people, and you meet them in a very intimate way.” So we put a lot of energy into it. I think it’s—it’s something that we should do our best to be excellent with. I think excellence often equals love. And so when I love someone enough to do my very best for their wedding or my very best for their funeral, and I personalize that, I think it through, I engage it—I’m not—I don’t think of it as a disruption or an annoyance, but I think of it as an opportunity. I think you build some great relationships, and God works through those in great ways.
One time I said to myself—and I think I wrote it down—about weddings and funerals: What do I hope they will feel or think they’ve just been through when they walk out of here? I mean, it’s one thing to deliver the Four Laws, and another thing for a person to think, “He really believes this, and this place really believes that, and it sounds really good.” Let me hit a dumb issue, in a sense, or just mechanical: Funerals and weddings are always extras; we’ve got enough to do. How do you avoid just doing it? You’ve certainly addressed that already. You know, I had a guy tell me one time—John T—even actually in a class that I took, and it’s true; he said, “You know, God always gives you enough time to accomplish what He wants you to accomplish in your week. So if the funeral shows up, or if a wedding appears on the calendar, I don’t approach it like, ‘Oh, I don’t have time.’ That God, in His foreknowledge, must have known that He wanted me to do this.” So I actually said, “Wow, God had already planned this. I would get my very best to that.” Huge. Yeah, huge. It—and I think—I think—I think of it that way. And and I think as a pastor, I’m always seeking to reach people, whether I’m reaching a loss or reaching people to connect with the church. And it is an invitation to step into people’s lives. And so as much as I would have lunch with you or pop over to the house and have dinner with the family, this is a wide-open invitation to hang out for the weekend and and to really connect with people. They do remember…Oh, yeah, and everybody should point people to Christ, but what a privilege to actually, at those crucial times, stand up in front and point a whole group of grieving people, or or celebrating people—if it’s a wedding, and they’re all grieving; it’s very difficult. They’re all thinking, “Why is he marrying her?” It happens. It happens.
Let’s talk about weddings for a few moments. One time I used the same—they were using the same questions, vows as last week; they picked from five or six, or wrote their own, and I didn’t change their name. So Carol was last week, and on his vow, I repeated—at first I said, “I take you, Carol,” and he said, “I take you, huh?” To talk about weddings and just anything you do that helps to personalize it, even if it’s just a specific from the service or beforehand…you know, I, you know, as pastor, you get all kind of compliments, and most of you throw away like, “Hey, good messy J; you know, glad you’re here today.” And and so I try to make it specific. But I think the greatest compliment I’ve ever received at a wedding, and it’s one like, “All that was meaningful,” when someone says, “You know what, you make the service so real, Jim. It’s real; it’s—it’s not pedantic.” Or so personalizing it. I take moments in the ceremony, while I—stop. Alright, just pause; stop and look around. Have you realized what’s going on here? Maybe you’ve forgotten. Yeah. And so I try to personalize it with the people and with the couple. The couple turns and looks at the audience. Yes. Yeah. I haven’t stopped. Take a look. I see you’re probably not gonna remember this tomorrow, the rest of the week—one, maybe not until you watch the video—but these people showed up because they love you. So let’s freeze this moment; let’s not rush through this. Good. I think it hits you. We try to do a lot of personal things. I—I like to get to know a couple, so we’ll wind up teasing or laughing during the ceremony, which is wonderful for everyone. I try to—I try to actually strip away some of the romance and have some very real conversations, especially in my challenge part: “Like this is going to be hard, and you know, yours to come under his leadership, and all this kind of…” And it will—all the married people will giggle a little bit, but they—they like the realness of it; that we’re actually talking about what—what a marriage takes. Here at our church, one of the traditions—maybe I started it; I’m not sure really where it came from now—but a lot of times they’ll do communion, and at our—in our particular tradition of church, they’ll wash each other’s feet, notate the Brenda cup, and we try to create a very sacred moment where Christ is very much on display, and Ephesians 5 is kind of screaming out in real life. And and that’s the kind of stuff that—that I like to think through: Like how can we really maximize this? It depends on the spiritual maturity of a couple. Yeah, you know, some want to get married and get to the reception, URI, and then some are really excited to share Jesus through it. So you’re always playing off of all of that, but getting into their life is going to make it special; it’s gonna—it’s going to leak out one way or just…the little thing of going back to the bride’s room with somebody announcing it and praying with her in the party and the groom’s room…and I know we’ve all stood there and thought, “I wonder if these two should get married.” And that’s a horrible kind of wedding. But when they’re both in Christ and so committed…and they always say they’re both in Christ, but…and so uniquely is a grand celebration. Absolutely. Snow…Oh, even Newt, and when it’s those cases, like—or Jeff, when you know it’s like, “I’ll stand and say, ‘You know, I performed a lot of weddings, and I’ve never stood at a wedding where I felt better about this couple and their relationship with Christ with each other. I am privileged to do this, and I’m excited for their future.’ I even—I’ll just put that right out there.” Yeah.
Funerals—any—we’re going to cover other things in our papers, but little things that jump out that at least help give sympathy and give love. You know, one big one that I heard from a funeral director many years ago who had lost his wife: He said, “People don’t know what to do when someone’s dead; they don’t know how to go to that person who’s still living—the husband, the father. They don’t know if they should bring that person’s name up again; they don’t know if it’s proper to—to remind him.” And he said, “I—he said, ‘In my case, I wish people would come to me and say my wife’s name.’” Yeah. And so at the service, I will often say, “Here’s one of the ways you can help this brother, this father, this mother, this son: Go up to him and remind me, ‘Hey, you know what? I miss Bob. And you know what? I really loved Bob.’” Say their name. They’re not going to bring the name up, but you bring it up for them. And that was a great thing to put in my tool bag. When I was 17 and my sister died in a horrible accident, two weeks later a guy at church said, “How are you getting along?” And I started crying, and he changed the subject to sports. Hmm. Churches often didn’t know how to handle grief or divorce…funerals, Jeff, and any personal touch that helps…I try to be present a lot, so I probably say less and hug more, and with—with the family. Often at times at the end of calling hours, I’ll—I will gather the family around, we’ll read the Corinthians passage about the tent, and and sometimes I’m able to do it beforehand, sometimes after, but always try to do it during the calling hours to remind everyone that this—this is the body; it’s not the person. The warmer the better. And so lots of contact: “Here’s my personal cell phone number; you call me.” Just really trying to extend out…one of the things that I love to do in the funeral service: I love to hear from the family. So some can share; some will write letters, and then we’ll have—if the family is open to it—we’ll have a week—all open sharing—where you can just set up and say, “This is what I love about Susie or Bob or whoever.” And the celebration of life, I think, is huge—laughing at a funeral service. The other big thing for me at funerals is: Be honest. Yeah. So I’ve done kind of a natural death; I’ve done murders; I’ve done suicides, children; and looking at someone and saying, “We—we are here under horrible circumstances, but we love this person; we’re still going to…” And I think people respond to that. It’s the elephant in the room a little bit, and in—when you do that, they relax, and then you all can engage, and and of course point—point them to Jesus.
I know—Jesus—in a world of social media, I think most pastors only underutilized Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. And so I try to emphasize it, and this is kind of post-funerals or post-burying someone. By the time it gets close to that one-year anniversary, people that were connected, they remember and say, “I miss my dad; I miss my husband.” And so—man, me da—I jump on that and say, “Oh, this was the day that they were buried a year ago.” I will immediately send them a text; I will send them a message; I will connect with them. So social media is a great way to continue to connect down the road, because they’ll remember—10 years from now: “This is when my dad died.” Yeah, and I’ll send them—“I’m not…” So you know what—you lost your father; I just pray for you today. So use social media to…
I think social media is—that’s a great idea. I actually have my assistant put it on the calendar, and she’ll put a card on my desk, and I’ll write a handwritten note at—especially the one-year anniversary, and just say—is that what you said? “I love you; we’re praying for you; I haven’t forgotten that you’re going through this pain.” Pastor Jeff, you know…and just—just remind them about it. Thank you. There’s plenty of help out there on doing weddings and funerals and content, but the pastoral element, Pastor P.D. A--, is about that. And look at our notes; we’re saying this to say, “Let’s love people in a very special way through those.” Jeff Bow, Jim Brown, Newt Larsen, thank you.