Transcription
[Music] What's up, Tim? Hey man, what's going on? Just rocking on to Break It Dawn, brother. What are you up to? Oh, you know, if I was any better, I'd be John DeLone. Dude, that's a low bar, man. That's a low bar. What's up? Hey, so my wife and I recently had, our, our uh, one of our kids moved back in with us. Okay, it's not, not normal. Uh, he's married and his wife are expecting in just a couple of months, and so it's not a typical move-in, man. I can counsel a bunch of people, but looking in that mirror. Oh, dude, yeah, man. There's a reason I pay a lot of money to my therapist. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So here's the, the bottom line is I need to, we want to set a hard, fast stop date. Let them. He lost his job, that's why they moved back. So we need a hard, fast stop date. And I've told people this over and over, you got to stick to your guns, you got to stick to your guns. But brother, when I'm looking at my 24-year-old son and his pregnant wife, it's a completely different ball game. Yeah. And it's like, how can I? And I also look and say, how could I have been so arrogant? That's it right there. That's what you're struggling with. Yeah. The son part is easy. It's the, what did I do wrong? Right. And that's the part you got to release and let go. Because let's say you did do something wrong, which, by the way, all parents, none of us are perfect. Um, I don't think you did anything wrong, but maybe you did. There's, there's literally zero we can do about that by spinning on that and ruminating it. The only thing we can do is the next right thing, right? And so something about your 24, like, 24-year-old coming home to save money in this wild housing market. Frisco real estate's bananas, all the DFWs are bananas. Having a, like, "Hey, you come home for six months, y'all save some money up so y'all can get a rental house or put a down payment down on a house, whatever." That's not weird. There's something else here. Is he not looking for a job? Is he lazy? Like, what, what in your guts? What's the problem? That's a great question. Um, so he has a part-time job. Why? Makes like 20 bucks an hour. Yeah. Why does he put job? He says that he can't find anything full-time. And he, and I get, uh, we get frustrated whenever I talk to him about work. Because when I was his age and a newlywed, I was working three or four jobs to make ends meet. And he does not like that. Doesn't want to talk about it. So I have a good friend of mine that's a, a Catholic Deacon that I'm of super, super close. So I've having him kind of run interference here, talk, talk to him about his finances, talk to him about the job thing. And so finally last night, uh, we met. And he finally, he texted me today and said, "Hey, when he was at work," texted me today and said, "Hey, so and so, I can possibly get a job here." So now he's looking at working two part-time jobs. But he does sleep in till, I mean, truth be told, a lot of times he'll sleep in till 11, 12 o'clock. Not on the weekends because he doesn't have to be at this job at a particular time. And yeah, can't do that, man. Yeah. Because I didn't raise him this way. I know you didn't. You got to let that go, Tim. Okay. I think you're a good dad. I appreciate that. What's his wife say? Um, his wife wants to get him out of the house, okay? Early in the morning. And has a hard time getting out of bed and all that jazz. And, um, you know, he struggled with, he struggles with depression. Yeah. His brain doesn't produce serotonin, so he takes a pill for that. And, um, so I get that. I'm trying to give a little grace there. But again, to, to draw a hard, fast line. And how am I going to, how would I enforce that? Hey, you got to be out by the end of January. That should be long enough for you to work hard. And if there's not, and forgive the ramble, but if there's not a deadline, there's no urgency. Absolutely not. And beyond that, there, um, I think, I think the serotonin hypothesis has actually been debunked. And now many places are going to the Frontline challenge. You know what the Frontline responses in across many, um, professionals and even a couple of countries have gone there. Is movement, exercise. You have to get up and you have to go move. And it's a, it's a loop. I don't move, I don't do anything. The body kind of shuts stuff down. And then we stay here. And then it compounds. And there's a baby coming. There's a wife saying, "Hey." And there's a dad saying, "Hey." And it just loops. And that, that loop gets tighter and tighter and gets heavier and heavier. And we just don't do anything. As my friend Henry Cloud says. And, and by the way, for people listening to this, it sounds completely lacking in compassion. And it's the opposite. I've just worked with these young people of this age group my whole career. Henry Cloud, I love the way he says, Dr. Cloud says, what someone in this situation is in desperate need of is some problems. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, he knows. And you and your, are you still married? Oh, yeah, man. My, my wife and I are favorite humans. Okay. Um, y'all about to, y'all about to go through a hurricane together. You all need to make sure that the windows are boarded up. Yeah. Because one of you is going to feel compassion. One of you is going to see that pregnant wife. One of you is going to see and feel some sense of loss or failure or, "What did we do?" or "Why didn't we do this?" Some of y'all, one of y'all going to feel angry and rage. Y'all going to have to batten down the hatches and commit to, "We're going to talk through this and we're going to be united in this." Even your language of "I have to get a go-between" tells me there's a gap between you and your son. Yeah. He gets angry if, uh, he's very, very intellectual. He can argue with a fence post. And, yeah, that's, and that's like, "We're not, we're not having intellectual discussions here. You'll be up by 7:00, and you'll exercise, and you get two strikes, and beyond that, um, you're out of my house because it's my house." That's where I, John, that's, that's the deal. I've done the whole "my house" thing. But to actually follow up with that, I don't want to say something that I'm, that I'm not going to follow through on. Okay. Why wouldn't you follow through? Why do you think so little of, of what you know to be true? Where's the shame coming from, man? I don't, I don't know. I mean, I don't, I don't want to, I don't know that I could kick him out. He knows that. That's a good point. He absolutely knows it. And he's probably been, yeah, I bet she could. Um, he knows that and he's weaponized it. Did your dad turn his back on you? No, no. My dad's, my dad's 11, almost 80. He's one of the most godly men I've ever known. Mom died in 2017. Um, yeah. I mean, your son knows you're not going to do anything. And so by extension, he knows he doesn't have to do anything. And I'm, I'm being a 24-year-old who's still living at home, sleeping till 11, working one part-time job with a baby on the way. But all he has to deal with is a nagging wife, and he's got his room and board covered, and they're fine. And until something shatters that little snow globe that he's living inside of there's nothing going to change. And I'm not telling you what to do, but I mean, the way you've lined it out, you know, and what I, what I don't like is, um, man, I get depression, I get mental health challenges, I get financial challenges, I get all that. And I actually give parents a lot more grace than like the current, yeah, you got, that's dumb. If you got to help your kids out, help your kids out. Yeah. This is past that. This is enabling. Yeah. I mean, they've been with us for, I think, two months now. Um, and so we did, like I said, last night, we set a, we set at the boundary for for the end of January. And, uh, basically, you're, you're, you're basically saying that that is the right thing to do. But then we have to follow through on that, regardless of whether they're on the street or not. They have to know that we're going to follow through on that, or they're not going to make the necessary changes. But they're, they're, they're every step of the way, they are in control. They're making the choice, not you. And so I, I think a reframe of the language, a consistent sitting down with your son saying, "Please choose to leave our house and move into an apartment or a home. Please make the choice for your own dignity and your own self-respect and your own about-to-be a father and your own wife to get a full-time job plus two part-time jobs." Like these, this isn't an intellectual. 24-year-old can wrap everything into this victim narrative where everybody's causing them, oh yeah, their problems. And what you have to do is flip that. You have to flip it and challenge every choice you're making is, is landed you here. It's all choices. "Please don't choose to move out of here onto the street." I'm going to say that to him every single day for six months. "Oh, you're kicking me out." "I'm not doing nothing." "You're choosing to not have a place for your baby to live." That's a great, that's, uh, I really appreciate that. Because that, that conversation has happened where he's like, "So, you know, what's the, what literally he said, "What's the consequence if we don't get the money saved for down payment or apartment, whatever?" "What's, what's the consequence? What's going to happen?" And I'm like, "Dude, I did not do the 'your choice' thing." And I will from now on. There's a much better way to phrase it. But I'm like, "Dude, I don't know. I don't know." But you've got to get out of here. You've got to. But I think you're right. I mean, he, he knows that I'm, that, uh, I don't want to follow through on it. But, and I think it's fair to say, man-to-man, uh, 24 years old, where, um, that, um, like your choices are, are hurting your old man. I'm choosing to have my feelings hurt by this. Yeah. But we're going to do the next right thing. If you find yourself coming to the realization that you're not going to be able to pull the trigger, that's your work to do, not his. He can't prop you up on that. Yeah. That means you got to get a couple of men in your life there locally that you can sit down and talk to and say, "I'm dying because I'm about to kick my newborn grandchild out of the house." Or to continue with the language, "My son is about to have a baby and he's got a new wife, and he's choosing to be homeless instead of step up and be a providing father." Or not to get all gender roles, but is she working? Uh, no, she's not. She's not. Wow. And, uh, you know, we've had the entitlement conversation and, you know, stuff like that too. And, yeah, but it's not, it's not entitlement. Like, it's just, it's being allowed to happen. Like, like, if, if my kid screams, and every time they scream, I give them, I scream, they're not being entitled. They're just speaking in a language that I appear to understand, right? Right. Entitlement is an unnecessary expectation that, that does not, that is not based on reality. But my kid's screaming and me giving them my screaming every time, that's, that's reality. That's just them speaking Spanish, just at a really loud, or Italian. It's just a different language. And so I don't think your kids are entitled. They're just doing exactly what they're being allowed to do. If they move out and then they fight you and yell and scream and say, "You owe us a house," that's entitlement. But right now, they're just doing what they're being allowed to do, which is nothing. Nothing. And man, I can't even, I can't even wrap my head around what it'd be like to be in your position as a dad, as about to be new granddad. The only other thing I could think of is if your son's got a relationship with your father, your 80-year-old granddad. I remember I had a problem telling the truth when I was younger, and my dad called his father, my granddad, and that was a tough conversation, but it was a very powerful and impactful conversation. So I take back what I said earlier about getting an intermediary. I, I don't think you get somebody else to teach your son, but I do think if there's other men that your son will listen to, that's healthy and good. But at the end of the day, I don't see an easy path. And I think he's going to try to call your bluff. And I just envision a U-Haul out in your front yard, or a yelling, screaming, blankety-blank. Oh, yeah, you're throwing out your baby, your grandkid. I, I just picture that. And you and your wife need to be ready when that storm hits. And that doesn't mean, just because it's uncomfortable, doesn't mean you didn't do the right [Music] thing. Sorry you're in this position, man. I think you're a good dad. And at the, the end of the day, you can just do the next right thing. And I think all of us know what that next right thing is.