15 DATING RULES THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

If you watch my Vlog Channel or follow me on Instagram, then you guys probably have a good idea of what my relationship is like and the kind of treatment that I receive. Although romance, flowers, gifts, and extravagant dates aside, this relationship is with a kind, generous, masculine, and chivalrous man who has grown alongside me so that we could create a healthy, loving, long-term relationship together.

Now, what you guys don't see is that it was a rocky ass journey before I met him. I got played, I got manipulated, I was chasing an emotionally unavailable man at one point. I know, I used to be stuck asking someone to plan dates for me or even show affection to me. And throughout all of those breakups and bare minimum standards, I learned a thing or two about dating. In fact, I learned 15 significant dating lessons which completely changed my life and are literally the reason that I am in the relationship I'm in right now. And I'm about to spill all of my secrets.

Before we jump into the video, make sure you check out the description below. I have my Snapchat, all of my other socials, my second YouTube channel so you can actually maybe watch some of the vlogs of me and my boyfriend if you're curious.

Dating Rule Number One: The Testing Process. I used to make the mistake of just going with the flow when I was out and about dating. Like, "Oh, you know, this guy is attractive and he's nice and he's showing me some affection, I'll just date him." No, so wrong. I used to think because this guy was good-looking, kind, and intelligent, he was good enough. I eventually got to a point where none of those qualities were good enough any anymore. And instead, I would test the guy on a few things to see if I would go on a second date with him.

The first thing I would test was what he was actually talking to me about. Was he asking me deep and meaningful questions to learn every insignificant detail of me so that he could actually understand me, so that he could treat me better because he knew who I was at my core and what I liked, and he was thoroughly listening to everything I was saying? Or was he simply just small-talking, flirting with me? And I will tell you, the biggest indicator if you are dating online, the first message that guy sends you, that in itself is a test. I would no longer respond to anybody who was like, "Hey beautiful, how you doing?" No, get out of here. It's so unoriginal. I have a hundred other guys texting me the same thing. And you know what? It's so unoriginal that as soon as I read that, all I think is, "You're literally sending that to dozens of other girls." Honestly, it's giving boy vibes and it's most definitely giving me the "ick."

I actually met my boyfriend online, and the first message he sent me was about museums. I could do not because I was talking about museums online and he was giving me recommendations. And because of that, I replied because we were having a friendly conversation and we were talking as if we were friends for the few first few hours, discussing travel plans, bucket list, talking about all of our interests and our hobbies. He didn't send a flirtatious message once, and that is what made me give him attention.

The second test when I'm dating somebody is how long it takes for them to say what their intentions are. If we have been texting each other for seven days and you haven't even planned a date yet, ew, you're gone. By, I am not out here trying to be your texting buddy, talking stage, or situationship either. You whine and dine me to properly get to know me because we are adults, or you get out because you're a time waster. I have literally heard too many horror stories of girls that I know being stuck in situationships that range from six months to two years, two years without so much as a romantic date, just texting and a few meetups here and there. Am I your friend? Because think about it, if you're not going to romance me, okay? If you're not going to pull out all the stops and get me flowers, then we are literally friends. What is the difference between us and two mates? Nothing at this point.

The next test I conduct is what the first date actually consists of. If it is super low effort and casual, that is not my vibe. Now, this is just a personal opinion of mine. This could be something that you enjoy, I completely get it. But I want to know that I am someone that you are going to invest in because you see the value in me. I am not someone that you are just going to meet up with, have a quick conversation, quick coffee, and then we're going to go. No, I need to see effort from the get-go. Because if you're not going to give it to me the first time you're meeting me and trying to give me your first impression, then isn't the rest of our relationship just going to go downhill?

And then the last test I conduct when I first start dating somebody is the post-date intentions. The 48 hours after the first date. If you have not even suggested where we're going to go next or the fact that you want to see me again, once again, I have lost interest. Because you need to realize that you were a young, beautiful woman in her prime with so, so many options. Why would you be waiting around weeks for a guy to suggest a second date? You could literally get anyone you want. And other than that, you have a busy, abundant, fulfilling life to live and you do not need to be waiting around for some guy to text you. If he hasn't set his intention after the 48 hours after the first date, you've forgotten. I'm sorry, I'm busy doing other things. Like, you need to put the effort in and communicate and not leave me unread.

Dating Rule Number Two: Sometimes that feeling of boredom you get when you're getting to know somebody new is actually just your lack of experience with good guys. And oh my god, I know this all too well. I used to be on this up and down roller coaster of dating bad boys, toxic guys where there were constant highs and lows, and I got addicted to them. That is why people play you around. That constant high, low, chasing, withdrawing affection, wondering when they're going to text you back, how long they're going to take to reply, it's addictive. That's why we end up in situationships with these people. That's why we end up chasing emotionally unavailable guys that aren't even good for us. In comparison, you start dating a good guy that likes you and is showing up for you and he actually communicates his interest in you, it's too predictable. It's too available. "I don't know if I like this guy. He's not interesting enough. I don't, I don't have those butterflies. I don't have that like, sparking sense of passion." Wrong. All of those sparks and passion you are mistaking for true interest were really only your addiction to the boy fairy rides.

And I can vouch for this because I felt this exact same way when I met my current partner. This is what I mean when I said it was a rocky journey. I was not used to somebody being so upfront with how they felt and being affectionate and planning dates all the time. It felt so boring. And as a result of my unfamiliarity with that stability and interest from him, I just assumed, "Oh, I just don't like this guy enough." And I thought that because I didn't feel as addicted or as much in a chasing mood as I was before. But you shouldn't even have the desire to chase because he should be the one doing all the chasing. And when he is the one doing all the chasing, that's when you can sit back and have time to be bored because you're being taken care of. And for once, you have nothing to stress about. You have nothing to overthink about.

In conclusion, everyone talks about how they want a good guy, but no one talks about the type of person you need to be to be able to grow into in order to deserve that relationship and actually make it work with a good guy long-term. You need to heal. You need to stop bringing your past wounds into your current relationship. You need to stop equating addiction to feelings. You need to stop equating infatuation to love.

This leads us onto Dating Rule Number Three: The Importance of Kindness. This gets overlooked so much. It is so important to discuss the importance of kindness because I see so much stigma around it online nowadays because we are seeing people romanticize and normalize being in toxic relationships. "Oh yeah, guys, I just went back to my toxic ex for the fourth time this year. So funny." Really? Is it funny? Sounds like a trauma bond on attachment issues to me. My life changed when I started to define what kindness is to me when dating. I have rules now in my relationship that have stuck so far for the entire time we've been together, which is over a year, and not one of us has ever broken this rule. Do we misunderstand each other? For sure. Do we have disagreements? For sure. Have we ever screamed at each other? No. Have we ever given each other the silent treatment? No. Have we ever sworn at each other? No. We don't use bad language to each other. We don't insult the other person, look down on them, are disrespectful to them because at the end of the day, we know we love and respect that person and we have to show it 100% of the time.

Kindness might look like planning a date for you every single week. Kindness might look like words of affirmations. You know, it could be built upon your love languages. It could be compliments every single day. It could be helping you with things that just make your life easier before you even ask for them. Bringing you a coffee in bed in the morning. Taking care of the chores so that you can relax when you get back from work. We are so focused nowadays on, "I just want to find someone who's six foot. I just want to find someone who's loyal." Don't you just want to find someone that no matter what day it is and no matter what situation it is, you know that person's going to be nothing but nice to you? We romanticize the idea of being attracted to the bad boy. That attraction to the bad boy type is just a representation of our ego. We need something we cannot have. We are overly attached to looks and to what other people are going to think and to status and how we present ourselves to our society that we need to be with this person. We need the ego boost that we pulled the best-looking guy, the one that all of the other girls want. And I can say this based on my personal experience. I had guys sliding into my DMs that I had crushes on for ages, and because they stayed into my DMs and expressed any sort of interest in me, it didn't matter what they said or how they treated me, they were talking to me and they were giving me attention. Oh my god, instant winner. Yes, I like you. Let's go on a date. They haven't done anything to prove their worth or most importantly their character, and I'm already desperate to be with them. And so many of us do this. And that is why earlier on the video, I said, "Really pay attention to the way that a guy opens a conversation with you."

And I have the best news ever. The dating app Bumble now has a brand new compliment feature, which will make finding your potential match so much easier. Bumble is really here to support the girlies, okay? Because they just want to make online dating a much more pleasant experience for us. We know what it's like to have guys slide into our messages saying inappropriate things or just focusing on our looks when we have so much more to offer. Bumble's new compliment feature is going to help you speed up the process of weeding out the good guys from the toxic ones. I think this is going to be a massive step in stepping away from the normalization of toxicity and dating culture and actually just start being nice to each other. Men can start being chivalrous again. Women can start living their soft girl feminine lives again. It is time. So if you a girly in the online dating scene or you kind of want to give it a try after hearing my story, then you can spread kindness using Bumble's new compliment feature. The link is in my description to check it out.

This leads us onto Dating Rule Number Four: Conversation is Everything. No one here should be talking too much about the future or the past because, girl, let me tell you, both are red flags. If a guy is telling you about how difficult his past was or he's talking so much about exes, I mean, that is just an instant red flag. But he's telling you about how hard his life was, all of his trauma, how difficult his relationship with his parents is, run away so fast because that is the biggest sign of a narcissist about to trap you in his grasp. One of the most common traits of a narcissist is that they will try to entrap you with their sob story. Let me tell you, it is not normal or healthy to just start to be getting to know someone and instantly trauma dump on them. That is not normal. And especially if you are a people pleaser or just an empath, you're going to fall for this. Hell, I did. Fell for this a few years ago. You know, you're going to feel sorry for them. It's going to give you this feeling of wanting to save them, and that's exactly what they want you to think.

And then on the other hand, we have excessive talking about the future. I was once talking to a guy for four hours, and I said, "Let's speak on the phone," because I had a slight bad feeling about him. So I thought, if we talk on the phone, then maybe I can suss him out a little bit more. We spoke on the phone. Immediately, this guy is like, "So, you know, are you, you going to come down to see my family for Christmas? What kind of girl are you? Because I want to see like how you would integrate into my family." We have been speaking for four hours, and you want me to celebrate the holidays with your family? We haven't even been on a date yet. We haven't even seen each other in the flesh yet. And this is such a red flag because it shows someone is very clingy and obsessive and overly attached. Most importantly, why are you so desperate to get with me? Can you not get anybody else? Why do you need a relationship so badly? Why is this conversation not centered around you actually understanding me and you assessing if I am a good match for you? Okay, it goes both ways. And let me tell you, okay, I cut that man off straight away. And I found out we had a mutual friend. So I spoke to that mutual friend saying, "What's the tea on this guy?" Turns out he was a narcissist because he dated her friend previously and he was majorly abusive. So yes, my assumptions are correct. I am always right. Please, please, please, please listen to these rules.

And this leads us onto Dating Rule Number Five: You not being obsessed with me is an ick. No, for real. Like, what do you mean you're going to give me mixed signals? Ew. But no, in all honesty, we are not meant for everyone, and that's okay. Not everyone can see your light, and that's because not everyone is supposed to be in your life and be worthy of you. And that is a blessing in disguise. Therefore, we all collectively need to stop forcing connections with people that the universe is literally trying to warn us aren't our people. So stop teaching people how to treat you. Stop asking that guy to act right and fix up. Stop teaching that guy how to be emotionally intelligent. Stop asking them if they're going to ask you on a date. Because if I have to fight for your attention, then F your attention. If someone is not a hell yes about you, then you need to be a no about them, period.

I need you to get so confident and so obsessed with yourself that you see all of the worth and the light and the value you bring. So then when a guy is dating you and he's not automatically obsessed with you because you know how great you are and you know how much of a fabulous girlfriend you would make, then you're like, "Oh, okay. He's just simply not my person. It's fine." Because you know you are going to be somebody's dream girl out there, probably multiple people's dream girl, and they are just going to fawn over you and they are going to bend over backwards to do whatever it takes to get you because that's what happens when a guy meets his dream girl. So if someone's not acting like that, eh, it's a wrong match. We are almost in Big 2024. We are not out here trying to teach people how to like us.

Dating Rule Number Six: Do not spill your secrets. What I mean by this is when you are getting to know someone, okay? So in the beginning dating stages, never tell them what your boundaries are, what your standards are, what your type is, or how you were treated in the past. These four facts must remain top secret. I would say within the first few weeks of dating or until you are sure about that person and how they feel about you. Because when you tell somebody all of those facts in the very beginning, you are basically giving them a cheat sheet on how to play you, how to manipulate you, how to make you fall for them, and then they can switch up and act however they want because they gave you the illusion that they were exactly what you wanted in the beginning. So honey, we sit back and we observe. That is you being in your feminine energy. That is you being detached. That's you knowing that at the end of the day, what's meant for you will find you. So you don't need to worry. You're going to sit back and you're going to observe and you're going to watch how they treat you. Especially with the telling someone how you were treated in the past, you are now telling this man that you are the kind of woman that accepts that kind of treatment. You might not be now, and they might not want to treat you in that horrible way, but what they will know is, "She accepted this low-vibe, bonum behavior. That means all I have to do is go right here to impress her."

You don't have to lie. You can literally say nothing or you can just hint and be like, "Yeah, my past relationships were fine, but we just weren't meant for each other." Always say that in the beginning because that gives them this mystery that they don't know what kind of treatment you're used to. And just by the way that you're confident and you carry yourself and the fact that you're detached, they know they're going to have to work overtime to earn you because you are carrying yourself as the kind of woman who needs to be impressed and who needs to be earned.

Dating Rule Number Seven: Stop discrediting yourself for what happened in the past. When all of these thoughts remain in your head of your really bad dating experiences in the past or how you messed up, this causes a lack of trust and then you stop following your intuition, which is one of the most powerful things you have as a woman. And then when you're dating someone, you start following their lead. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. So actually, you're wiser, you have more resources, you are more prepared now for this dating experience thanks to what went wrong in the past. It does not mean that you're really bad at dating or you might choose the wrong person again. No, you know exactly what you're doing and you're going to trust your gut. I don't know where this idea came from that we have to get it right the first time and if we don't get it right the first time, then oh my god, maybe I should settle next or maybe I have to make sure that the next person is right because then what if I go through another breakup? No, return them and move on to the next.

And this is just so reassuring. I had a friend who went through a bad breakup a few months ago, and she was beating herself up about it and she was like, "I can't believe I dated that person. They were so wrong for me. I can't believe I settled for a relationship like that, and now I'm heartbroken over a person that didn't deserve me." And you know what I said to her? I said, "Just like every other relationship, that guy, whether he deserved you or not, the relationship you had with him taught you some new knowledge about what you want and what you do not want." We don't know exactly what we're supposed to have from the moment we're born. We have to learn. We have to go through life experiences. We have to experience different people to understand, "Oh, I like this," or "No, actually, I didn't think I would like that, but now I do. So let me add that to my list." Or, "I dated this person and I settled for this, but no, I definitely don't want that. So I'm going to tweak my list." And you keep adding and changing and adding and changing, and it teaches you more about yourself and also more about what you are willing to tolerate and what you most definitely won't. And then if you think about it, you're actually in a much better and much more prepared position to deal with marriage and soulmates and long-term relationships because you've had so much experience in knowing what you can and cannot handle.

Dating Rule Number Eight: Attachment styles are the key. So if you're new to this, there are four different attachment styles. Secure, which is the best one that you should have to have a healthy relationship. An avoidant attachment style, which means you are uncomfortable with intimacy, closeness, and commitment. Maybe you're hyper-independent, you like to date but not stick to those people. Anxious attachment, this is when you're clingy. This is when you need a lot of reassurance. You are constantly confused about how other people feel about you. And then we have disorganized attachment, which is when you are a mix of anxious and avoidant, and you basically, you fear commitment but you also want closeness and you need reassurance but you also don't care.

Everyone's goal before they start seriously dating and start hopping into marriages, which most people don't do, is to transform our attachment style into a secure one. This person is super avoidant, this person is super anxious, they attract each other like magnets, and they have such a strong attraction towards each other because each one of them reinforces the other person's insecure need. When the avoidant is with the anxious attachment, it reinforces their belief that, "Yeah, I should just be independent because look at how clingy people are," and it forces them to keep continuing the cycle of being hyper-independent and not committing to people. When the anxious attachment person is with the avoidant, it reinforces their belief that they need to keep asking for reassurance and that they are just more loving and that they are not worthy of affection because everybody withdraws from them. And it's so common for these two to be in the most toxic relationship you have ever seen. I guarantee you probably have a friend who is in that kind of dynamic in their relationship, and most likely, it's probably a situationship.

If you would like to learn more about this, I have a complete video guide on my YouTube channel. It's the complete guide to learning attachment styles and also they moving from an insecure to a secure attachment style. So I highly recommend you watch before you date literally anyone because if you don't, you're literally ignoring your own toxic patterns and you're excusing all of your childhood trauma because that is the thing that's formed your insecure attachment style. And you are getting into relationships that don't even align with the highest version of yourself who has a secure attachment style. So you're not even living up to your full potential of what kind of great and healthy relationship you could be in.

This leads us onto Dating Rule Number Nine: I think this is a personal favorite of mine, and that is he should be testing you too. Now, listen, I am all for the man being obsessed with us and seeing our value and wanting to date us and wine and dine and romance us, 100%. He should be eager enough to see all of that and want to put the effort into know you and not bear minimum you. But he should also be independent and secure enough to know that he's not about to jump into a relationship and a commitment with you straight away because he needs to get to know you. You know, you found a green flag when a man is going above and beyond to treat you well so he can get to know you and showing you, "Yes, this is moving along, but I also need to get to know you and understand whether you're going to align to my life." That is the sign of a man who is looking for a real long-term healthy relationship.

Dating Rule Number Ten: Be with a man who wants to be a boyfriend, not just get a girlfriend. You need to be with the kind of guy who is so ready and is so excited for the responsibilities that come with being a boyfriend because he knows in order to earn a girlfriend, he has to put in the work. He has to provide for you. He has to support you. On the other hand, there are some guys who just want the girlfriend for the fun of it. He wants all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without having to do any of the responsibilities it takes to get the girlfriend. Their intentions were never right from the get-go, and you didn't see it because your priorities weren't straight either. You were too attracted to the idea of them or their potential or just the thought of having a boyfriend, rather than, "Is this person prepared for all of the duties, responsibilities, and value that comes with being a boyfriend, and can they provide them all to me?"

There are men out there that get so happy from the thought of seeing their girlfriends smile because they took them out to a fancy date that the girlfriend wanted, because they paid for their nails, because they gave them a bouquet of flowers once a week, because they made their life easier. We are only dating men with those mindsets from now on.

This leads us onto Dating Rule Number Eleven: Feminine Energy. I was living in my masculine energy for so long, and what that looked like was me trying to have control, me trying to make all the plans, me trying to suss out how he felt about me, how I could be more attractive to him, me comparing myself to his ex, comparing myself to other girls, wondering if he should even have female friends, trying to control him and our dynamic and what we were supposed to be, rather than existing in my feminine energy, sitting back and just living my soft life. Because if you're not going to give it to me, that's cool. Leave. I can give it to myself. That's it. I have no desire to control. I have no desire to tell you how to do something and teach you how to be a boyfriend. You have high standards for the people that come into your life. You are confident. You are secure in who you are. And that way, you're living a fulfilled and relaxing life. So then when a man approaches you wanting to be in a relationship with you, you're like, "Hold up. My life is amazing the way I've created it, so I don't need you. But I can want you if you were going to come into my life and be able to match all of the treatment I give to myself and then elevate it." When you start thinking like that, no one can f with you anymore. And you once again weed out all of the men that are non-deserving of you because at that point, they're going to be intimidated by you and your standards and what you accept.

Next up, Dating Rule Number Twelve: You are not just dating a person, you are dating a lifestyle. This is where we're going back to the idea of assessing somebody and not just falling head over heels for the idea of someone or what they're doing for you in this current moment. We are very protective of ourselves and the lives that we want because we are the kind of women that work really hard for the dreams we want. So we're not just about to date any guy just because he's good-looking, loyal, nice, intelligent, funny. You think they're great qualities? No. It can go very downhill. He could have all of those qualities, but he might not be ambitious. He might not be as much of a hard worker as you. What do they value? What's important to them? And then what's important to you? You know, if you're a big family girl, is he a family guy? Is he going to want to do all of the family things that you want to do in the future? If you are the type of girl that wants to explore the world, travel, or go out every single weekend, why are you about to get into a long-term relationship with a homebody?

Dating Rule Thirteen: They are not there to save you. Once you save yourself, you will be able to see dating and relationships much more clearly. This was a mistake that I'd unconsciously been making for years. It sounds crazy, but I would seek out men who had parental issues, some sort of early familial trauma because I did too, and I thought, "If he has it, you know, if he has parents that are divorced, then we're going to understand each other better." It never went down well. I attracted guys who were just unhealed, who had really bad attachment styles as a result of their trauma. You should be basing your chemistry and your connection based on the people that you have grown to be, how you evolved from that trauma, what you created of yourself, of your life. And I think it really came from this deep unhealed wound that I had why I wanted to be saved and I wanted to be able to talk about that trauma openly to someone who would also understand it and just be able to vent. Thank God I moved past that. I became my own therapist. I healed my old wounds. My past no longer bothers me. I do not really think of my childhood because I am so present in how great my life is now. And because of that, I am able to now have a partner who doesn't have any trauma that he's healing from either. We are great. We are focused on just going about our days and the 24 hours that are in front of us. You're going to get tricked by these people who can put that temporary band-aid over your broken heart, and you're going to mistake it for unconditional love and this for everlasting connection. When really, it's just familiarity of your hurt. And you probably don't have any connectional chemistry in any other area of your life. And that common trauma you share is going to blind you and prevent you from sitting back and observing to what kind of person they are and whether they're worthy of you. And that's why people say you need to focus on yourself love and you need to work on yourself and heal before you get into a relationship.

Dating Rule Number Fourteen: They need to be judged for how they act in every other area of their life. How are they with their family? How do they show up for their friends? What kind of employee are they? What kind of relationship do they have to their passion, to their work, to their hobbies, to their discipline, to exercise, or to eat? This is where you really get to understand and see clearly how this person thinks, what their mentality is, what their toxic traits are, their weaknesses, their strengths. Cuz listen, everyone's imperfect. Everyone's going to have weaknesses. And one thing I also always say is, it's not about finding somebody to date who's perfect. It's about finding somebody with flaws that are compatible to your flaws. And it goes back to like dating so many people where you realize what you can put up with and what you can't. Cuz it's not about finding someone who has zero issues because that's impossible. It's about finding someone where you're like, "Okay, like I can deal with this. This doesn't trigger me." And then you can start building up what kind of person they are at their core before you come into the picture. Because people are really good at putting on this front and masking and throwing all of this romance on your face to make you feel like they're a great person. But really, they might be homophobic. They might be racist. Like, you don't know.

One of the things that I admired from my boyfriend from the second that we got together is that he's the type of guy, and even to this day, he still is. Anytime his friends were in need of something, needed a favor, he will drop everything to go and help them. And surprise, surprise, now that we're in a relationship, he treats me the exact same way. I won't need to ask for help. I won't need to complain about an issue. The second that you see something wrong, he wants to come and help me. He wants to make my life easier because that's just the kind of person he is. No matter how little resources he may have, he is so generous to every single person in his life.

And finally, Dating Rule Number Fifteen is: What does your dream life look like? Romantic love is just one part of your life, not the whole story. When you focus on fulfilling all of the other areas of your life, whether it's people, hobbies, experiences, work, your self-growth, your self-love, your confidence, you then detach better and you stop running after people just to have somebody. So I need you to get super specific and visualize every single piece of potential joy instead of just attaching it to one human being because that's unfair. One person can't be everything for you. They can't be your therapist, they can't be your best friend, they can't be your soulmate, they can't be the person you spend 24/7 with. That's completely unhealthy. There can be a lot of those things, but you know, you need to get your fulfillment and your passion and your love in other areas of your life as well. Because another thing I've seen in my story and so many other people's is, you always get the love you deserve when you stop looking. In order to attract the healthy, high-value relationship and person that you want, you also need to match that level and live at that vibration.

And that brings us to the end of this video. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please comment down below and let me know which number fact you liked the most, that resonated with you the most, that you're going to take into your dating life. Honestly, for me, I actually think it was 15. I just love that piece of advice. That really changed my life for the better. Um, but thank you guys so much for watching. You guys that get right here and watch my little outros, you're the real ones. I love you. I appreciate you so much. And I will see you in the next video. Good luck.

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