Transcription
Hello and welcome to Talk Relationship to Me, the show that explores some of the most important relationship topics. I'm Dr. Alana Hoffman.
As a clinical psychologist, I focus on all things relationships, from dating to sex to long-term relationships to divorce. I cover it all. I use my professional lens as a psychologist, as well as lived experience to cover these topics. Do you need to talk relationships? You're in the right place.
On today's episode, I'm covering the most common mistakes men make when initiating sex with their wives or long-term female partners. This is a really important topic, one that I talk about all the time with lots of my clients in therapy. So, individual sessions, couple sessions, initiation is so important and such a delicate, difficult area. Many people are not taught how to initiate sex. Many people are not taught about spontaneous and responsive desire. And if you have not heard my episode a few weeks ago on responsive desire, I highly encourage you to go back and listen to it because it's really the foundation of many of the things I'm going to talk about today. Although today I'm going to give more specific reasons and more specific pitfalls that men make when initiating sex. But responsive desire is a really important concept just in general to understand when you are in long-term monogamous relationships. And I'm speaking mostly to a heterosexual audience. That's just mostly who I see in my practice. But if you are listening and you feel like these dynamics apply to you, then you can use proxies of higher libido partner and lower libido partner. This is more talking to the person who initiates sex in a way that the receiver does not appreciate. And over time, this can really erode intimacy. Initiation is so important. It's such an important kind of moment. And when this goes wrong constantly over time, it can really build resentment and it can lead to lack of intimacy and connection. And you know, this is just often what I see in my practice over time.
So, I'm also mainly talking to people who, you know, a lot of this won't apply to couples who are really high conflict, who are on the brink of divorce, who have a ton of resentment, who haven't had sex in years. I'm not talking to those couples, and those couples might want a more um a more more in-depth intervention um couples therapy or coaching. I'm talking to kind of, you know, the couple that has been together a long time. They are busy. Maybe they have kids and they are generally, you know, they love each other. They're attracted to each other, but they're just their sex life is suffering. They don't have a lot of time for it. They have they don't have a lot of connection, but they want to work on it. And so, this is something that can be really helpful.
Okay. So some really specific mistakes that men make during the initiation process. Um there are a few categories of them. So one is just simply timing. The timing of initiating sex is off. So for example, lots of clients will come and tell me you know that they try to initiate sex after the kids go to bed at night. And this is a really bad time to initiate sex because people are tired. Your wife is likely, you know, touched out, especially with small kids. And that is something that is really common. And also biologically, testosterone is lowest for both men and women at night. It peaks in the morning. So, you know, from a hormonal standpoint, the morning is a much more um conducive time to initiate sex, although I understand that that is difficult for other reasons. But a lot of time, you know, I talk with my clients about just problem-solving this issue of time alone, you know, because a lot of people will say, "This is the only time I get alone with my partner." And so, there are ways around that. You know, I know that it's tough um especially if both partners work and have kids and lots of responsibilities. It's harder to find other time alone that is not at night after the kids go to bed, but this is not a great time to initiate sex. Although, again, refer to my responsive desire podcast. You can initiate closeness and connection and relaxation and make sure your partner gets a great night's sleep and then they'll be much more willing to um get in the mindset of sex. But again, refer back to that episode.
So, timing is one of them at night. Also, of course, when your wife is busy, right? When she is in the middle of something, when she's in the middle of a task, it is a bad time to initiate sex. The best thing to do during that time. If you looking at her and getting turned on, you probably have spontaneous desire, but the best thing to do is to join her in that task. So, let's say she's, you know, cleaning the kitchen after dinner and you're looking at her and you're thinking, "Wow, my wife looks really hot. you know, I really want to go for it right now. Rather than going up to her and sort of initiating sex directly, you know, just be with her, help her with the task, join in the task with her, help her clean the kitchen or whatever it is. And then so she feels like she has an equal partner in that moment. And then afterwards when she's feeling like connected to you and close to you because you are helping her with something then you can be like wow you know we did that fast like good job what a long day I'll go get the kids whatever it is and you are connecting and you're having a moment with her you're making her life easier in that moment and that is a big thing you know um making your wife your wife's life easier just in whatever she's doing is going to be a big um pro well for marriage in general But for initiating sex, that is a big deal. So, so timing, you know, so if she's in the middle of something or she's having like a stressful emotional conversation with you, you know, when she's not in the mindset of it, you know, that is a bad time, you know. So, timing is really key for initiating sex. And with a timing thing and initiation, I mean, you know, making a move. Initiation of course is well not of course initiation is constant you know because you want to be kind of constantly and consistently making your wife feel loved and connected and heard and understood and seen. And when she feels that way toward you, especially, you know, again, within the context of long-term monogamy, then she is going to be much more interested in having sex with you, right? So, if earlier in that day she's telling you about a story about her family or her bestie or someone at work and you're on your phone or you're checked out, you're not paying attention, you're not asking questions, you're not listening to her, and then later after the kids go to bed, you're trying to have sex with her, she is not going to want to do that because she doesn't feel like you have taken the time to do the thing to hear the thing and talk about the thing or do the thing that is important to her. So, you know, you can't just sort of dismiss her during dinner and then expect later for her to be really um on board with a sexual initiation. So, initiation is really is really kind of consistent in in that way.
Another big thing I see in terms of pitfalls is something that we don't talk about very much, but that's hygiene. Hygiene is really important, especially if you have a sensitive wife, a highly sensitive person as a wife. This is a whole other um topic that I can cover at a later time. But basically, if you are married to somebody who is very sensitive to sounds, touch, uh noise, textures, anxiety, you know, then you might have a highly sensitive wife and she is going to be much more turned off by poor hygiene. So, you know, body odor, bad breath, you know, these things are really, really important. Grooming and hygiene is really important. And again, it's something that is really not talked about all that much because, you know, um women generally don't want to hurt their husband's feelings in that way. They don't want to say like brush your teeth or take a shower. Although, you know, they often are criticized in many other ways. So, you know, it's not really a big deal to ask to take a shower. And you don't have to take a shower every time before sex. That's not what I'm saying. You know, just have generally good hygiene and take care of yourself. And this is, you know, really a turn-on for a lot of women in this situation. You know, you might come home from work and look nice and, you know, you're well-groomed and put together and that's going to be much more of a draw than if you are, you know, you haven't taken a shower all day and you're working from home in your sweatpants and she's not going to really feel drawn to you in that way. you know, make an effort to take care of yourself. And that is a turn-on. This does not mean to go so far and, you know, you don't need a six-pack. If your sex life is bad, the answer to that is not a six-pack. Um, you know, that doesn't matter. It's more just grooming and hygiene in general is going to be important to consider when initiating sex. So, you know, you can just go quickly brush your teeth and and that's that.
Another thing is uh aggressive touching. So often times, you know, men will initiate by grabbing a a body part, grabbing a boob or a butt or a hip and kind of going in aggressively. And this is generally again, especially if you are looking at this through a lens of responsive desire when she is likely not thinking about sex at all and you kind of go in with a grab that you don't mean to be aggressive. Maybe you don't intended to be aggressive, but she might be experiencing it as aggressive. This is a real pitfall because she is not thinking about sex at that time. She is not turned on in that moment. And you know, the pressure and you know, and all of that around touch can change as she gets turned on and aroused. And I'm not saying never, you know, grab in a kind of sexy way, but in terms of initiating sex, if she is not aroused already, do not go in with a body part grab and expect that to be well-received. This also gets at, you know, just nonsexual physical touch in long-term relationships. And I'm going to do a whole other podcast about why that wanes because that's a really important topic as well that I talk to my clients about. But, you know, in in this way, initiating sex in in that way is likely not going to be a turn-on for her. So, you know, um it is an art of initiation. You know, softer touches, um compliments.
You know, another thing is another another pitfall I see is that men will compliment their wives or partners in a way that makes them feel objectified. Like they'll comment about how sexy they look or how great their butt looks in those pants. And don't initiate sex by making a woman feel objectified in that moment. You know, women in long-term monogamous relationships want to feel appreciated, heard, understood, seen for all they do. And talking about how sexy they are in those pants does not um convey that kind of appreciation which is then going to make them feel closer to you, more connected, seen, understood, and then is going to be a draw in terms of wanting to connect, you know, wanting to connect with you and feeling and feeling understood. So, that's not to say that you can never tell your wife she's sexy. Um, of course, and especially once she is aroused. You know, talking and compliments are a whole other thing. But I'm talking about during the initiation process, you don't want to come in with compliments like that. You know, you want to give other compliment other compliments, other words of affirmation. Hey, you look really beautiful today. Hey, you know, I love that outfit. You're really gorgeous. Wow, I can't believe I have such a gorgeous wife. you know, those kinds of compliments. You know, you you did great at this today. You know, you're really killing it in the mom department. Our kids are so lucky to have you. I mean, you can refer back to my um Love Languages podcast where I talk about words of affirmation. These kinds of compliments when you are feeling close and connected to your wife and you're wanting to initiate those are going to, you know, feel much better for her to hear cuz she's going to really feel like you see her and understand her and see her as a whole person, you know, who's being appreciated and loved and respected rather than um a sex object that you are being, you know, that you are turned on by. Although that's again that's not to say that when you are having sex or when she is aroused or after the responsive desire kicks in, you can't have more sexy talk, fun talk, you know, you can't compliment like that. That's not what I mean. I just mean in the initiation process when she is generally not already aroused because of responsive desire. So okay, I think I have made my point on that. But compliments in general are really important. And also, you know, when the only form of connection is when you see each other, right? If you don't, you know, you can text, if you don't text her throughout the day or just send little notes saying, "Hey, I'm thinking about you. I can't wait to see you later. Hey, you looked really nice this morning. Hey, I enjoyed our evening last night." You know, you can keep this stuff coming throughout the day and you can reach out and connect via text throughout the day and that lets her know you're thinking about her and you're excited to see her. And again, this is just gets back at the point that initiation is kind of constant. You know, you can't expect to not be in touch with her all day or only be in touch about logistics and then want to come home and connect sexually when she is not in that mode and she doesn't feel like you've been trying to connect with her in other ways throughout the day.
So, that is a few reasons. Another one is how you handle rejection. Um, you know, listen, sex in a in a relationship that has a generally healthy sex life, you know, of course, and and of course, in general, you have to be able to say no comfortably and not, you know, be met with whining or pouting about it, right? You know, so if she doesn't feel comfortable saying no if she feels like you're not going to react well or you're going to pout or you're going to whine about it, she is not going to be open to initiation in the future because she's going to be worried about managing your responses to rejection. Ideally, you are in a relationship where you know she can say, you know, sorry babe, not tonight. I just I'm really stressed or I have a headache or you know I'm just preoccupied with this but you know I'm really looking forward to connecting soon and then you trust and know that that will happen right if you have if you are really lacking a sexual connection in your marriage and you cannot count on that happening then you're then the rejection is going to be much worse because it feels like well I never know when this is going to happen. But if you have a consistent, regular, reasonable sex life, then one, you know, sorry, not tonight kind of deal is not going to is not going to, you know, throw you. It's not a big deal. So, you know, and on the other end, you know, your wife can say, you know, hey, not tonight, but, you know, we have some time tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that, right? As opposed to just a flatout no, you know, because when you provide an alternative and then follow through with it, that's a much softer landing like you would like you would do with anything else, right? If you asked your wife, hey, you know, do you want to have a date night tonight? And she just says, no, I don't want to date with you. Versus, I can't tonight, but you know, let's put something on the calendar. That's much softer. That goes with lots of other relationships in your life. You know, a colleague, a friend, whatever. You know, you can provoke, you can propose an alternative rather than a flatout rejection. Anyway, if you if your wife is concerned about how about your emotions when she says no, then initiation is going to be much more fraught and she's going to have to worry. She's going to it's going to put her on edge because if she's not if she's not down for whatever reason, she's just it's just going to be stress for her when you initiate sex. So, we don't want that. You know, you can just be confident and secure and mature about it and okay, no problem. And that will ironically increase your chances of the next morning her being responsive and receptive or even she might initiate on her own. You know, if she feels like you're giving her the space and letting her relax and you understand, you know, where she's at, then she's much more willing to initiate for you, you know, the next day or or whatever.
Um, let's see other reasons. Oh, never talking about sex outside of the bedroom or even in the bedroom, right? I mean, you know, again, I say this all the time. We are not taught how to talk about sex in a way that is healthy and mature and communicative and allows for you know everybody to share what they are interested in and what works for them and what doesn't work for them and you know taking rejection personally like I was just talking about you know and so if you never talk about it if you never talk about how you and how your wife likes to you know start sex and you know be approached then you know, you just don't know. And if you know, you kind of feel like you're, you know, you don't really know what you're doing or you kind of feel like it's awkward and you never talk about it, you never ask her, then she might feel like, well, you know, you're trying and it's not really working, but you're not really asking me what I want or, you know, what works for me. And so being curious, again, not pouty, not in the moment of you never let you never have sex, you know, you never let me initiate, you always, you know, shoe me away and this feels really bad. What's going on? you know, not in that context, but in at another time, you know, talking about, hey, I'm just I'm just curious about what works for you with initiation. Do you like compliments? Do you like light touching? Do you like me to touch your face or your hair or look in your eyes? You know, like what what do you like? What turn what turns you on? What makes you feel close and connected and wanted and desired, you know, that I can start implementing and really just being curious and then again sharing for you what works for you? Because you know I also am aware that you like you know men who I who I see also love when their wives initiate sex and so you know you can also talk about that too. So you know that is an important conversation to be had and let's see another reason you might have totally different initiation styles and you know one person likes to be more spontaneous one person likes to know when it's planned and again this can be addressed with conversation about it right but if you never talk about it and you're just sort of you know shooting in the dark and you know it's not it's not going to go so well and you won't actually learn what really works for her.
So these are lots of specific reasons why initiation kind of can go wrong. You know, the overarching theme is that if you are in a long-term monogamous relationship with a woman and you are having trouble with intimacy and sex, you know, often times there are deeper issues, but often times it really can sometimes be the approach. you know, if you have a reasonable regular sex life and you both enjoy it and you know, it's like overall pretty good, then these are some just some tips that you can use to make initiation go even smoother. But if you're hearing this and this just seems so far off and you're like brushing my teeth to have sex, like there's no way that would never work. Then, you know, think deeper about the place that you are in in your marriage and your relationship and you know, maybe another level of care. um you know couples therapy or something like that can help you or individual therapy you know I mean individual therapy can help the relationship a ton I see this all the time when people understand themselves more change their own behavior change their own approach then their relationships really improve and so that is just something to keep in mind and you know with all this about sex and intimacy and initiation I mean I have never seen an individual client or a couple who is going through separation and divorce where sex was not a part of the of the issue. It was not a part of something that, you know, declined or was not great or, you know, was obligatory. You know, sex is a very fraught um topic, right? And so, but I've never seen a couple or an ini an individual getting separated or divorced that was like, "Yeah, but our sex life was great." You know, um that's just I just haven't seen it. Not to say that doesn't exist. I mean sometimes and sometimes actually people connect only on sex like they have really great sex and everything else is bad but you know often times by the time you get to a separation or divorce like that's not the case anymore. So you know this is all very something to keep in mind you know to be more connected more intimate. Again these are things that are not talked about. So, you know, there's no way for people to really know them unless they, you know, do their own research, which I definitely encourage you to do. Listen to podcasts like this and other ones, you know, to really understand common mistakes men make.
And, oh, I forgot one. Sorry. This is this is an important one. Um, initiating with humor. So, a lot of times, you know, humor is really valued in relationships. Most people like someone with a sense of humor. Um, most women like men who make them laugh and vice versa. And so, you know, your humor can be something that your wife really likes about you and is really drawn to you for, but in the context of initiating sex, this is often a major pitfall that also doesn't get talked about because it's not very nice to say like, "Don't joke around, it's not sexy." But the truth is, don't joke around, it's not sexy. Again, it doesn't mean that your wife doesn't appreciate your humor, but have you ever seen a really sexy, you know, scene in a show or a movie that is started off by a joke? You know, I don't think so. So, again, that doesn't mean you can't be playful and joke around during sex. You know, of course, like sex, you know, is often a playground for people especially who have a physical touch, love language, and you know, sex can be, you know, is a way for playfulness and exploration and intimacy and all of that. So, definitely playful, playfulness and humor in general with sex is important, but in terms of initiating sex with like a sexual joke or, you know, an immature joke, that does not go over well. Usually, it's just not sexy. you know, you might get an eye roll and this is not a turn-on. So, just wanted to throw that in before I forgot it as, you know, to wrap up this episode.
So, if any of this resonates with you, you know, let me know. I would love to hear from you, send it to your friends and if you would like to talk more about it if you feel like, you know, therapy or coaching is something that you could benefit from around this topic. My practice is, you know, taking clients for exactly these issues and where you can feel comfortable talking about these kinds of things. you know, we would be happy to chat with you and see if it is a good fit. So, thank you for listening. This has been Talk Relationship to Me produced by Peach Island Productions. I'm Dr. Alana Hoffman. Do you have a question about relationships? I'd love to hear from you. Go to my website, dralanaoffman.com, and click contact or find me on Instagram at dr.alanaoffman. You can find all the info you need, including more about today's episode, in the show notes. And if you have questions or comments about today's episode, I would love to hear from you. you can inspire an episode. Thank you again for listening.