Transcription
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What can I say? I was blindsided. My wife, Julia, had just dropped two big bombshells on me. "Mark, we need to talk," she said as I came in from work. She was still dressed in her business suit from her job as an accountant. I was dressed in my coveralls from running my bakery.
"And Mark Adams," my wife is Julia Johnson Adams. Yes, she hyphenates her last name. Pretty pretentious, if you ask me, but whatever. She goes by Julia. I'm of German descent, and she's of Italian descent. That should have been my first clue we weren't really compatible. But I was in love with her raven black hair, blue eyes, and rocking body.
At first sight, we met 14 years ago when I had just gotten out of the Navy and started college. Together, she was 23 and I was 28. I was using the GI Bill to get a culinary degree, and she was going for, of course, the aforementioned accounting degree. For some odd reason, we hit it off. It was probably that she loved cakes, and I wanted to make cakes, pastries, and basically anything sweet.
Come to think of it, my mom had a thing for sweets, and so did a lot of women. It was a seller's market with sweets always in high demand. While most businesses do most of their sales during the holidays, bakers can make bank all year round. Christmas, of course, but also Valentine's Day, Easter, Independence Day, etc. Valentine's Day is in a dead heat with Christmas for sweet demand in my little bakery. It does better business at Valentine's than Christmas most years.
Oh, and I hate my first name, Mark. Seriously, Mom, you had to go and name me Mark? I introduce myself as Jay to everyone. Nobody calls me Mark, not even my wife. Okay, Mom and Dad call me Mark, but only when they're pissed off at me. Every other time, M.J.
So, Julia had just told me that we needed to talk. I tensed up immediately since every guy on Earth knows what those four words mean when strung together in a sentence. We know it and fear it. "We need to talk" has been the forerunner of breakups and divorces since the dawn of time. So, it was with a sense of impending doom that I sat down at the table and looked at her. I knew my world was about to come crumbling down around me.
Twelve years together, 10 of those happily married. Well, I had been happily married. I had believed the same of Julia. I flashed through the possible reasons for what she was about to say. Sex? No way. We had sex on a regular basis, usually four or five times a week, and marathon sessions at that. I never failed to get her off multiple earth-shattering times. We had a great sex life. Money? Not likely. I was pulling down six figures a year net, close to $220,000 after everything was settled with overhead, payroll for my employees, taxes, etc. We were doing very well. Our combined income was close to $320,000 a year. We were not hurting. Lack of love? Not on my part. I loved her with all my heart and soul. Had she fallen out of love with me somewhere along the way? Hell, we had just been talking about starting a family a week ago.
She interrupted my reverie by pushing the dreaded manila envelope across the kitchen table to me as I sat down. "Julia, please tell me this isn't what I think it is." I looked at her, and her face was a studied mask that betrayed nothing. "I'm sorry, Jay," she said softly. "I should have talked to you before, but I want a divorce."
"Why?" I asked with far more calm in my voice than I was feeling at that moment.
"It's complicated," she hedged, looking away. "You met someone else?"
I must have been in shock since I still hadn't flown into a rage. "Yes," she said, even more softly, barely whispering.
"How long?" I asked. God, what was wrong with me? I should have been standing and pacing back and forth, calling her everything but a child of God. I should have been threatening the guy for whom she was trading me in. I should have felt something other than total numbness.
"Six months," she said.
I closed my eyes. "Six months? I repeat it. You've been cheating on me for eight months, and the first I hear about it is that you want a divorce? I suppose you're going to take me to the cleaners in court since alienation of affection isn't looked kindly upon here in Hillsdale. I'm left with very little recourse here."
"No, Jay," she said as she shook her head slowly. "Your business is yours, not mine. The house is mine by inheritance from my grandparents, but I will give you a few days to vacate after you've found your own place, of course. He'll be seeking marginal alimony for a while until I remarry. Nothing bank-breaking, though."
I sighed. "Do I know him?" I asked at length.
"If you harm him in any way, you'll end up in jail," she said unnecessarily. Not that I didn't want to mess him up, but I didn't want to lose my business either. "I know that. I think I have a right to know who's been horn-dogging me for the past eight months, though."
She shrugged. "Tom White," she said, holding her head up straight.
"Son of a [expletive]!" Friends, that was bombshell number two. I hated him already, even before this. Okay, now I was angry. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths to calm myself. Tom White, dark-haired, blue-eyed mega-rich from old money, an ultra-snob with a racist, bigoted streak a mile wide, too. I had warned Julia about him after we had dinner with him to discuss some of the charities we were all involved with at the time. She had laughed off my warning and told me he was harmless. Yeah, right. Harmless like a rattlesnake. We met him at a charity event in our community, and even then, I didn't like the way he had been looking at Julia. He looked at me with disdain and looked at her with pure lust in his eyes.
My anger, barely under control, I finally managed to look Julia in the eyes again. "Well, I guess there isn't much I can do about it then," I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could.
"I wish it hadn't come to this, Jay," she smiled sadly, which I knew was an act. She was just trying to ease my pain.
"I saw through it for what it really was, though. That's a lie, Julia," I said evenly. My brain was now working on a plan. "But whatever. I'm not going to contest the divorce as long as it is what you say it is. They'll have my lawyer go over the papers with me before I sign them, you know."
She nodded. "I wouldn't expect anything less. Just so you know, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do. Tom and I just clicked on a soul level. I really do love you, but I'm in love with him. I'm really sorry it has to be this way, Jay."
"What a load of crap!" She was in love with his money. His family is worth billions. The Knight of the Charity Ball we attended, he danced too close to Julia, and as they separated, I noticed him adjusting himself as she was coming back to our table. I knew for a fact that he didn't have enough to satisfy her in bed. I almost missed the fact that he had a hard-on under his tight slacks until he adjusted it. I had to, as I did then, suppress a laugh at the fact that, at least size-wise, Julia was trading way down for my beast. But since I didn't want to rock the boat quite yet, I just said, "I'm sorry, too."
"Well, after that little talk," she handed me the manila envelope. "You'll be officially served in the morning, Jay. I'll meet you with my lawyer at Tom's office. This is just a preview of what I want from the settlement." She was referring to Tom Evans, my best bud since grade school and my lawyer in all things since I started Adam's Bakery.
"You know what? Get rid of the alimony, and you have a done deal. Tom is rich. You don't need my money, do you?" I knew it was a long shot, but she owed me that, at the very least. She seemed to think about it. Hell, if she went for it, I might not even go through with the plan that had already semi-formed in my head.
"No, Jay. I need something from all of this. After all, I did waste 14 years of my life with you."
"Oh, hell no!" That statement right there, that our entire marriage, indeed our entire time together while dating and being engaged, had just been a waste of her time, galvanized me. I looked at the proposed alimony and raised one eyebrow. She wanted $2,000 a month in alimony for 2 years or until she remarried, whichever came first. That was about half of what I made per month after overhead and paying my workers. I could live on it, and I had more than enough saved in my personal savings account. I pretended to think about it.
"Fine. I guess that it will be worth it in the end," I shrugged. "I'm going to pack now. I'm leaving tonight." And I did. I packed my suitcase and suit bag with my clothes, toiletries, and all that. I also packed my extensive music CD collection that included everything from Johnny Cash to AC/DC to Beethoven. Yeah, it encompassed all those genres. Hell, I even had some Selena in there just for kicks. I loaded it all into Bullet, my 1970 Ford Mustang, and left out of there. I was gone in less than an hour and calling Sarah on my cell phone as soon as I was on the road.
"Hey, Jay, what's up?" Sarah answered on the second ring.
"Sarah, I just got kicked out and I'm going to be served divorce papers in the morning at Tom's office. Julia is trading up, at least in her mind," I snorted, the bitterness finally showing through in my voice.
"Are you kidding me?" she sounded as shocked as I felt.
"No, we'll be staying at the Comfort Inn until I can find a place," I replied.
"Oh, hell no! You get your ass over to my place right now, Mr. Man!" she was going ghetto on me, as she puts it.
"Fine. Yes, ma'am," I chuckled in spite of myself.
"Good. See you when I see you," she ended the call, and I couldn't help but smile and shake my head. Sarah Morris is my manager at the bakery. She looks quite a bit like Halle Berry, only a bit younger, just as tall, though. 5'9" of newbie and goddess. We all call her Sarah, and she doesn't object. Her boyfriend, Chris Parker, plays guitar for a rock band, which made him cool in my book. He was on a road trip right now and would be back sometime next week. That gave me a few nights at Sarah's place in her guest room before he got back. Hell, Chris was cool with me, so I might be able to stay even longer. No, I needed to find my own place. Hell, I could probably buy an affordable house outright with what I had in the bank, but then the 50/50 split in community property hadn't taken place yet. Yeah, I would have to probably rent an apartment for a while before I could afford my own house again.
My thoughts were interrupted as I realized that I was close to Sarah's place. Her boyfriend only stayed there sometimes, but he kept after Sarah to move in with him down in San Diego. Sarah wouldn't budge yet, though. She wanted a full commitment from him first, as in a ring and finger commitment. So here I was, 38 years old, still in good shape, already a millionaire, but alone and wiped out by the woman I had fallen in love with and married. Me, son of a baker's wife, the cheating, gold-digging [expletive].
I pulled into Sarah's driveway and parked right next to her little Honda Civic. I swear to God, that little car cowered in fear of Bullet. I smirked as I gave Bullet one more gun of the engine before shutting down the big V8. As I opened the trunk and grabbed my suitcase, I saw Sarah open the door and walk out in just some Daisy Dukes and a tank top. I caught my breath as I took in her full breasts straining at the tank top, her long, silky legs, and her gorgeous round ass. I quickly pushed those thoughts from my head, however. I closed the trunk and walked toward her, and Sarah let me in without a word. The look on her face was one of disbelief warring with several other emotions. I'm pretty sure I was still in shock at this point. Yes, I was in shock. It was how I was still functioning, but no sooner had I gotten inside, I dropped the suitcase and collapsed to my knees. The depths of what had happened finally sank into my shock-addled brain. I had compartmentalized it as long as I could, but now it all came bursting out of my mental compartment and out of my eyes. Great, racking sobs shook my body as the tears flowed freely, and I felt two long female arms go around my shoulders as Sarah knelt beside me. I clung to her desperately. Her presence alone holding me in this world and keeping me from completely withdrawing into myself.
"Sure, it's okay now. You're going to be fine, Jay," she soothed.
"No, I want..." I shook my head. Yes, I was wallowing in self-pity. I admit that freely. Her response was to pull my head to her ample bosom, and I felt loved at that moment. The love of a very good friend, but at least I felt love from somebody. She drew me to my feet with her, and we walked—okay, she walked, and I stumbled—into the living room and collapsed on her big leather couch. She checked her phone and found a video going viral of Chris kissing a girl.
"You have got to be kidding me!" she exclaimed loudly, her mouth opened in shock as she glared daggers at her phone. I followed her gaze and saw Chris kissing some woman on their—not just a friendly peck, either. They were engaged in a heated round of tonsil hockey.
"Is there something in the water?" I wondered aloud. It was all I could think of to say as I saw Sarah's relationship go down the drain along with my marriage.
"Must be a cheating drug in the damn water," she snarled. I glanced at her, and the fire in her dark brown eyes made me nervous. "And a white woman? That son of a [expletive] said he doesn't even like white women!"
I listened to her going off on him for about 20 minutes, then she looked at me and broke down in sobs of her own. I returned her favor from earlier, holding her as she let it all out. When she was all cried out, she looked at me with bloodshot eyes that pretty much mirrored my own. "Look at us, huh? Two of a kind," she laughed sadly, and I smiled as a few stray tears ran down my face, too.
"Well, at least Julia did it to me in private," I shrugged. "Your dirtbag did it on national television."
"I'm so sorry, S.S."
"Not your fault, Han." She hugged me tight, then reached for her cell phone. "Excuse me while I call his cheating ass and tell him what time it is."
"No problem," I nodded as she hit his speed dial button. "Hey, Chris, uh-oh."
"Yep, we saw the video. Jay came over since his cheating wife is divorcing him and kicked him out. No, he's going to be staying with me for a few days, just until he can find his own place. No..."
"And that brings me to why I'm calling you. I saw you playing tonsil tag with that hoe." She stopped and listened for a few seconds, rolling her eyes. She silently placed her finger to her lips and hit speaker so I could listen in. I nodded in understanding.
"But baby, I'm just playing. I got needs, you know? She don't mean nothing to me. I just need a little something-something on the side while I'm on the road." He was whining and wheedling. Dumbass didn't belong on the band now, as far as I was concerned.
"Well, Chris, we're done now," she said with iron in her voice. "They'll have the [expletive] you left here sent back to your place in San Diego. I don't want to see you, hear from you, or anything. You feel me?"
"But baby..." he started sounding desperate.
"You lost the right to call me baby when you sucked face with that hoe on national television. I don't play that. We're done, done, finished. Get that into your head right now. Goodbye, Chris." Before he could whine anymore, Sarah ended the call and blocked his number. She looked at me and gave me a rueful smirk.
"Well, that's that. Zero tolerance."
"I nodded. Zero tolerance," she agreed. "Cheaters don't deserve second chances."
"So, what is she doing with the divorce? Don't even tell me she's going to take you to the cleaners. I swear, I'll smack the blonde off her head." Sarah always got me going with her euphemisms, and I found myself grinning at that one, strangely.
"No, she wants $2,000 a month in alimony. Probably so I won't try to stand in the way of her getting remarried ASAP. But other than that, the settlement she's offering is very fair," I shrugged. I was all cried out and had come into the acceptance phase of divorce grief. Okay, acceptance was way off. I wanted to make them pay, and now that I was thinking clearly, my plan was coming into shape in my head. It would depend on a few things, like who was catering their wedding, but the more I went over it in my head, the better it felt.
"So, she must be serious about the dirtbag? Did she tell you who it was?" Sarah asked.
"Yeah, and you're going to love this. Tom White," I smirked.
Sarah's eyes went wide. "I never would have taken Julia for a gold digger."
"Neither would I, until now. She had everyone fooled, apparently," I shrugged. "Her parents never liked me, so I'm pretty sure they pushed her into it, at least a little. I was never good enough for their little darling." Okay, I have to admit that I let my bitterness show through there for a moment.
"Well, Jay," Sarah shrugged. "I can see the wheels turning. What are you planning?" Sarah could always see when I was thinking really hard. She saw it often enough at work when I would have to solve some problem in the shop or the factory.
"Revenge of monumental proportions," I smiled serenely as I told her. "Just trust me on this. It will make a lasting impression on them for the rest of their lives."
"Okay, I'm almost afraid to ask. What you got so far?" Sarah was chuckling now. I laid out my basic plan for her, and she erupted into gut-busting laughter.
"You are one crazy bastard!" she squealed as tears of laughter fell down her face. "Okay, we need to figure out how to do this." So we did. We stayed up drinking beers and hashing out our plan of action for when the wedding would take place. We figured that in 3 months, since I wasn't going to fight the divorce, they'd get married. 1 to 8 months after that, we'd be ready. And if I could remain cordial with Julia and, yes, even Tom, I might be able to get into the wedding without crashing it.
By the time I took my suitcase and bag into the guest room, it was well after midnight. I told Sarah that I would be late to the shop since I had to go see Tom to sign the divorce papers in the morning, and she understood. She said she would keep everything going until I got there, or I could take the day off if I wanted. I slept surprisingly well that night. Maybe it was the beer, which we drank in moderation, or maybe it was the twisted and insidious plan I had devised to make Tom and Julia's wedding a memorable experience for them. Either way, I was happy with what we figured out.
I was upright and early with a smile on my face. I heard the sounds of bacon and eggs sizzling on the stove, and the scent woke me up even more. She also had a fresh pot of coffee brewing, and that was even better. I couldn't remember the last time that Julia had cooked me breakfast, but damn it, Sarah was. And we were just temporary roommates. I showered and dressed in a T-shirt and jeans since I didn't feel like going into the shop after seeing Tom. I then joined Sarah in the kitchen.
"Good morning, Sarah," I smiled as I sat down at the bar stool at her kitchen nook.
"Good morning, sunshine," she gave me a dazzling smile. "You look a lot better this morning than when you got here last night."
"Thanks to you and beer," I nodded in appreciation, which got me a musical laugh. I had to laugh, too, since Sarah's laugh is infectious. "Well, here are some eggs and bacon for you. Are you coming into work after you see Tom?" She sat down the plate and a mug of coffee in front of me.
"Thanks, Sarah. No, I think I'm going to take the day off. I don't know how I'm going to react after meeting with Julia and her lawyer for the signing," I shrugged. "Tell you what, though, they'll take you to lunch later and let you know what happened."
Sarah nodded. "You better, Jay. I'm glad I ain't going with you. If I saw that [expletive], I would probably have to smack the [expletive] out of her."
"That's one reason I love you, sweetie," I grinned. "You're the most loyal person I know."
"I love you too, boss," she smiled sweetly as I stood up and gave me a hug. Sarah's only one inch shorter than I am, so her entire body was pressed to mine as we embraced in a hug of commiseration.
"Hey, both of our exes were cheating. I'm glad you're coping too," I told her as I squeezed her close, then released her. "At least they weren't cheating with each other. Now that would be a cliché."
She snorted a laugh, and I had to chuckle at that one. "True enough. But for both of us to find out on the same day? Biggest coincidence ever." I gave her my best Comic Book Guy impression. Sarah and I both love The Simpsons, so she got it right away and gave me a snickering laugh with a slap on the shoulder.
"You're right, Jay. Damn big coincidence, which makes the cheating drug in the water sound even more plausible."
"You and your conspiracy theories," I rolled my eyes, giving her a mirthful smile. "Hey, the truth is out there." Sarah gave me a spooky look. When we'd finished cleaning up and loading her dishwasher, she handed me a key to her place. "It was going to go to Chris, but I think you're going to need it more than he will," she smiled.
"Thanks, Sarah," I smiled, kissing her cheek again and hugging her tight. "Don't worry, though. We'll find my own place in a few days, and it'll be out of your hair."
"No rush, Jay," she assured me. "Trust me, Han. I would rather have you around where I can keep an eye on you than have you on your own where only God knows what you would do by yourself. My parents went through a divorce, so I know how my daddy took it when Mama left him. I'm not letting you out of my sight, okay?"
"Mom," I smirked, and she swatted my shoulder with a cheeky smirk of her own. I would hear about what had happened and how her mom was mentally off balance. She hadn't cheated on Sarah's dad, but there were other issues with her personality and mental health that led her to alcohol and finally divorcing him. I didn't know all the details, but it wasn't as sorted as my own situation. However, her dad had taken it hard.
For some background on our relationship, Sarah and I had known each other for 20 years now. She's 2 years older than me, but kind of kept an eye on me in school when we were kids. Back then, I was smaller than all the other boys, so I got picked on a lot. Sarah was taller than most of the boys and girls already and was well on her way to Amazon status. She stood up for me, and nobody wanted to test her. But she wasn't just reactive in that regard; she taught me how to stand up for myself. She taught me how to fight dirty since my own folks wouldn't do it. She learned young how to take care of herself. By the time we were teenagers, I had finally grown up enough that I was an inch taller than her, barely. I hit my last growth spurt during my sophomore year of high school, and Sarah had stopped growing by then. She's 5'10", and I'm 5'11", and that was where we've been ever since. We've both filled out since our beanpole days, but we're still in good shape. She was a hurdler on the track team, and I played baseball. But while Sarah was good enough for a scholarship to USC, I wasn't quite good enough at baseball to earn a scholarship, so instead, I joined the Navy and then used my GI Bill to go to school afterward.
When I started the bakery just before marrying Julia, Sarah had applied for the job as manager. She had an MBA, so I snatched her up quickly. Our first year, I couldn't pay her very much, but once word of mouth spread, we had almost more business than we could handle. I managed to get some great people working for me, and Sarah was and is the best of them. I left her in charge after a year in order to take Julia on our belated honeymoon. Sarah kept everything running smoothly over that two weeks, and after the first year, we were well on our way to paying off the bank loan, and I could even afford to give everyone a nice raise. At the end of the third year, my shop had a miniature factory attached to it with a sizable kitchen and everything. I secured some flour and sugar contracts and managed to bring in some nice exotic blends. During our fifth year, we were sending special orders of cakes all throughout Hillsdale, but I steadfastly refused to go franchise or anything like that. We became damned special order only, though. I was offered millions for my company, but I and my employees refused to sell. They decided that they didn't want to work for anyone but me. If I had sold the shop, all my people would have quit. That decided it for me. I was going to keep it a small business with my 20 employees, and we were going to just have fun and make money while doing it. That, as it turned out, was the final nail in my coffin as far as my in-laws were concerned. Julia's father wanted to buy into my business and expand it. I politely but firmly shut him down, saying that I wanted to keep the business small with a family feel to it. He lit me up good, telling me that expansion was the only way to make serious money. I firmly and less politely pointed out that I was making some serious cash already, but that I didn't want to get greedy like him. I idly wondered what they would think of Julia cheating on me with and then divorcing me in favor of Tom White and realized that I didn't care, but that they probably approved. Old money attracts old money, and the Whites, while not as affluent as the Walkers, were still old money.
Sarah and I left that morning after breakfast. She went to work, while I went to see Tom at his office. When I got there, Julia hadn't shown up yet, so we shot the breeze until she arrived. When she walked in, Tom visibly tensed. I could tell by his body language that Julia and her lawyer weren't the only ones present. I stood and turned, and sure enough, there was little dick White himself. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to wipe the self-satisfied smirk off his face. Instead, I ignored his offered handshake in favor of looking at Julia.
"Well, let's get it over with," I shrugged. Tom went over the proposed split and everything. Since my business wasn't funded by her money or her family's money, and since the house was a gift from her folks since her grandparents died, those were not community property and were ours. My Charger was mine, of course. I had been restoring it since high school.
Tom surprised me. "So, you're divorcing my client in order to marry Tom White? Is that correct, Mrs. Adams?" The question took her aback.
"Well," she hedged, "a simple yes or no will suffice, please." Tom wasn't letting up on her. Her lawyer, a Gloria Allred wannabe, leaned over and whispered something in Julia's ear.
"Yes," she said softly, looking down as if ashamed.
"Tom never called her Mrs. Adams. And how soon were you planning on the nuptials?" Tom went on. Now it was Julia, Tom, and Gloria Jr. in the huddle. They were whispering fiercely back and forth. Tom took that opportunity to lean over and whisper in my ear, "Alimony?" I just nodded back and smiled. He was trying to get me out of paying her a dime.
When the Three Stooges broke their huddle, Julia looked at Tom again. "As soon as possible after the divorce is final. We've already planned most of the wedding itself."
Tom nodded. "And if these reports are correct," he pulled out a detailed financial report on Tom. "Mr. White here is worth nearly a billion dollars. My question, Mrs. Adams, is why do you want an honest, hardworking man like your husband to pay you a dime in alimony when you can just ask Mr. White here for any money you wish to spend?"
Julia once again got drawn into a huddle with Gloria Jr. and El Culo. Tom sent me a lightning-fast grin, and I answered back with a grin of my own. While the Three Amigos debated their next move, when they came out of the huddle, Gloria Jr. spoke up.
"What would you suggest as adequate compensation, then?" she asked, her stern looks centered on me.
"Well, she can have all the furniture, not just her half. I don't care about that," I shrugged.
Once more into the huddle, dear friends. The whispers were more subdued this time, but finally, they broke and looked at Tom again. "Agreed," the lawyer said. And so it went. I didn't have to pay alimony, but I didn't get any of the furniture either. Gloria Jr. made the necessary changes to the divorce papers. We all signed, except for snake boy, and the filing took place that very day.
As soon as the feminist lawyer left, as I was heading back to my car, Julia and little dick came up to me. "Mark, old boy, I hope there are no hard feelings." Once again, he actually stuck his hand out for me to shake. That did it. I took his hand and squeezed extremely hard so that his face contorted in pain.
"Call me Mark again, Tom, and I will make your life a living hell to you and Mr. Adams, get it?" By the time I was done talking, he was on his knees, and the bones in his hand were scraping together.
"Yes, Mr. Adams, let me go, please." His face had real fear on it. I released his hand before gangrene could set in, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
"That was for calling me Mark," I said evenly. "As far as the rest goes, no hard feelings." I smiled, turned, and walked towards my car. I felt good now. I somehow got out of paying alimony and was basically free and clear of her as soon as the divorce was final. Oh, that reminded me. I walked back toward them as Julia was helping dick to his feet.
"Julia, before I go, I need my grandma's engagement ring back." I held out my hand. Julia looked at me like I had just fallen off another planet. Then she took it and the wedding ring off and handed them both to me.
"Thanks," I smiled, nodding to them as I pocketed both rings and walked back to my car. I fired up the powerful V8 and shifted it into gear as I popped the clutch and hit the gas. The car screeched its tires as I peeled out of the parking lot, leaving some rubber on the asphalt and some smoke in the air. It wasn't something I did often, but I wanted to send a loud and clear message to the two lovebirds. I looked in my rearview, and dick was standing there, dumbfounded, still clutching his right hand gingerly. I smirked happily as I drove towards the shop.
When I got there, Sarah was happy to see me, as was everyone else. They all came up and hugged me or shook my hand and told me how sorry they were. I thanked them all and told them all to get back to work, however, I said it with a smile on my face so they knew I appreciated their efforts to help me feel better. The thing was, I was feeling pretty damn good already. Besides the lawyer fees and half the court costs, and having to give up my half of furniture I never really liked anyway, I had just managed to pull off a bloodless divorce.
"Come on, Sarah," I said. "Let's go to lunch." I drove us there in Bullet, and Sarah loved riding in it. She could hear the rumbling of the engine under the hood and feel the power radiate from it like an aura of awesomeness. We ate and laughed. Two old friends sharing our meal and our friendship in a new, solidifying bond of recently betrayed love.
"I still can't believe I had absolutely no clue that she was cheating on me," I hissed, finally giving voice to my own haplessness when it came to being blind as far as Julia had been concerned. "I must have really been stupid."
"No, Jay. You were in love. Love can blind us, you know," Sarah smiled and reached across the table, squeezing my hand. I smiled in spite of myself.
"Thanks, Sarah." I squeezed her hand back, letting her know how much I appreciated all she did for me professionally and personally. She was way more than my office manager and friend. I would come to depend on her for a long time now. First in school when I was the little kid who was smaller than everyone else, then as the man who wanted his business to succeed and had hired her as the most eligible and best-qualified of the bunch of applicants who had applied.
"You never have to thank me, Jay. A nice bonus at the end of the year is thanks enough," she grinned, and I laughed outright at that.
"Consider it done," I smiled and gazed into her dark brown eyes with my dark blue orbs. She looked away first, and I noticed a slight flush on her caramel-colored face. It took me aback, but I recovered quickly, even as I felt my tool start to harden. I told myself to stop it. She's my friend, and she had just suffered a loss too. In all our years as friends, I had never looked at Sarah that way before. Never in my life had I seen her as anything but a friend, albeit a very beautiful friend. Sure, I noticed the fact that she's a very well-put-together woman, as I did the previous night at her house when I pulled in and she'd come outside to meet me. Hell, what red-blooded American male wouldn't notice a gorgeous Amazon like her? But that was just something guys do. This felt different. I realized that I wasn't ready for this and quickly got back to other topics.
After we'd finished lunch, I drove her back to the shop and dropped her off. She said she'd see me at home, so I drove up to the Bluffs and looked out over the Pacific. I looked down at my left hand and removed my ring that had sat there for the last nine years. I reached in my pocket and pulled out Julia's wedding band, too. I studied them both, and just the sight of them made me sick. I then pulled out my grandma's engagement ring and held all three of them together. I put the engagement ring back into my pocket, then hauled back and chucked the wedding bands out into the ocean as hard as possible. They glistened in the sun as they went over the bluffs and into the white water crashing into the rocks below. It was symbolic to me. My marriage was dead, and that was the postmortem. Sure, the divorce still had to play itself out, but this was what I had to do for my own sanity and to be able to move on. Now, just because I would said the eulogy for my marriage didn't mean that I had given up on my plan to get revenge on Julia and Tom. I thought of the line from the song "Violence and Bloodshed" that went, "Payback's a bitch, and I'm paying." All I smiled as I could hear Scott Columbus on the Drums of Death and Eric Adams belting out the lyrics while Joey DeMaio laid down the bass line and Ross the Boss scorched the lead guitar. Oh yes, Tom was going to pay for stealing my wife, and my wife was going to pay for being a gold-digging slut. Some would call me vindictive and a calf-man. To those, I would just say, "To hell with you. Do a 20-mile road march in my boots, then judge me."
Three months later, it was all settled. Joint accounts were split 50/50. During that time, Sarah and I coexisted as roomies and got along great. Nobody cared at work that we were living together. The huge surprise was when we got home one night and found the wedding invitations in the mail. Huh? Julia hadn't been kidding. They had the wedding scheduled a month from the formal divorce decree. I grinned at Sarah, and she grinned back.
"Okay, now it's go time," I said evilly as I drove us to Costco. Finding out the caterer for the wedding was easy. He wanted to do business with us a few months back, but it had fallen through. I decided to give him another chance and do the negotiations myself this time around. What got me laughing a lot was that Julia was going to wear white, as was Tom and his Navy dress whites. Had been a Naval aviator back during the early days of the war while I would been in cap and Drake's Alpha Team. The dumbass couldn't even wear a normal black tux, it seemed. I paid a visit to the caterer a few nights before the wedding and replaced the chocolate cake mix with my own special blend. I grinned like a Cheshire cat as I replaced the cake mix with a chocolate tasting something extra. No, it wasn't poison. It was just something that would make Julia and Tom's wedding pretty damned unforgettable for everyone involved. Now, what I was doing could be compared to a high school prank, only done with a lot more style, but damn it, I had to get some payback. They'd hung the horns on me for eight months before blindsiding me with the divorce papers. Granted, she had been very conciliatory in the divorce, and I was left with just a broken heart. However, that broken heart was going to cost them. I kept Sarah apprised of what was going on, and she laughed hard when I told her that Operation Mud Flap was a go. The invitation included the reception, which was where the real entertainment would begin.
The morning of the wedding, Sarah and I showered simultaneously. No, we didn't shower together, although in the past several months, we had grown closer. We were, however, still gun-shy about relationships, and I, for one, was worried about ruining our friendship by taking it to the next level. "I'm just glad that she had those tankless water heaters installed."
When I was dressed in my Armani suit, I waited in the living room until Sarah was ready. "Well, am I presentable?" she asked as I was watching a UCLA football game. I turned to look at her, and my jaw hit the floor. Before me was a vision of loveliness that would be difficult to describe, but I'll try anyway. Sarah was wearing an emerald green dress that hugged her curves like a glove. The shimmery material clung to her as if it was in love with her body and didn't want to be separated from it. Her hair was done in a shoulder-length style that framed her lovely face perfectly. Her full, luscious lips were painted a sultry red, and her green eyeshadow complimented her dress perfectly. She wore one-inch pumps, which put her at the exact same height as me. Her toned calves were on display, and the one-inch heels showed them off perfectly. Her generous bust was barely restrained by the top of her dress, and as she twirled around, I was given a glimpse of her caramel-colored back.
"Good God, you look amazing," I said when I was finally able to form coherent words.
She grinned a perfect smile. "Thanks, Jay. You look pretty damn fine yourself."
I blushed at that one. "Thanks, Sarah," I said as we headed out the door. We drove to the church. Ironically enough, Billy Idol's "White Wedding" was playing on the radio as Bullet pulled into the parking lot. People turned and stared as the big V8 announced our arrival. Every guest there besides us was upper crust, old money. Okay, this was going to be even more fun than I would anticipate. We showed our invitations to the bouncer at the door. Okay, bouncer might be too generous of a term. He looked to be one of Tom's non-ex security goons that accompanied him to public events. It seems that the Walkers have made some enemies over the years with their business practices, thereby making the non-ex necessary. That didn't surprise me in the least. Tom's family is of the school of "do unto others before they do it to you." Their version of the Golden Rule, or it could be "he who hath the gold mock the rules." And from the looks of disdain that Sarah and I were getting from the snobbish elite, I felt even better about what was going to happen this fine day. As we took our seats in the pew, I leaned over to Sarah and whispered in her ear, "Remember not to eat anything chocolate at the reception." She gave me a soft giggle at that and kissed me quickly on the cheek.
The service was long and boring, typical Catholic wedding. I had to fight several times to keep from falling asleep, but whatever. Tom looked admittedly dashing in his Navy uniform. Other reason to hate the turd. He had been a naval officer before resigning his commission to go into business with his family. His Annapolis class ring glinted and gleamed as he waited for Julia to walk down the aisle. Then the Wedding March began to play, and here she came, her snobby father by her side. I remembered our wedding and how he had been scowling at me the entire time. Now, however, he was beaming with pride that his darling little girl was finally marrying someone of her own station. I wanted to punch the [expletive] in the face, but refrained. All would be paid in full at the reception.
So it went. I won't bore you with the mundane details of the wedding vows that she didn't take seriously the first time around, or the exchanging of rings that she cheated on with her affair with the dick, or anything else for that matter. Then I won the Best Actor Oscar, Emmy, Tony, and Golden Globe all at once when I congratulated both of them. As we got to the reception, Sarah would have won for Best Actress since she had taken Julia's betrayal of me as a betrayal of everyone who worked for me and had loved her like a sister. Tom rubbed it in my face with another, "Mark, old boy, I hope there really are no hard feelings. The better man won in the end." It took every bit of self-control I had not to pound him into the ground, wreck his testicles, elbows, knees, and make his plastic surgeon a very rich man with a full-face workup. Instead, I said, "You're right. The better man did win." After which, I grabbed a mildly surprised Sarah and kissed her with everything I had. Sarah froze for an instant, then returned my kiss with enthusiasm. Right there, in front of Tom and Julia, I claimed Sarah with my lips and tongue. That first kiss was amazing. Everything around us disappeared for a moment as our tongues dueled, then danced slowly, and her arms came up around my neck as her fingers ran through my hair. As we broke the kiss, Sarah looked at Tom and Julia. "Yeah, the best man really did win," she winked and left the happy couple standing there with their mouths hanging open. We shared a grin as we took our assigned places, and we had some lobster for dinner. It was actually damn good. Then it was time for the real entertainment. As the wedding cake was wheeled out, Tom and Julia did the ceremonial cutting of the cake and the ceremonial cake in face for both of them. Everyone laughed, and people went up to get a piece of cake for themselves. We decided to wait for the end of the line since it was going to be one hell of a show.
Sure enough, as soon as we got to the cake itself, all hell started breaking loose. It started with a fart from the Bride, of all people. Not just a soft poot, no, the Ripper could be heard from across the dining hall. It was followed by a resounding Ripper from the groom himself. I glanced in their direction and said, "You excused?" in a loud voice, which caused some chuckles from the snobbish elite around me.
Oh, they weren't going to be spared, however. Then Julia got a surprised look on her face as a gurgling sound escaped from her, followed quickly by an expression of pure horror. Tom's face scrunched up as he smelled something foul, then let loose with his own gurgling sound from his ass. They looked at each other in horror as more farts and gurgles were heard from the rest of the guests. Julia and Tom were up and running as quickly as they could, and I could see brown fluid dripping on the floor from beneath her dress, followed by Tom trying to hide the spreading brown stain on the back of his dress white pants. Both were making a mad dash for the restrooms and were soon followed by more guests as they realized that they had just [ __ ] themselves.
Sarah and I left quickly and quietly, and we were sitting in the car when we couldn't hold our laughter anymore. We both had tears streaming down our faces as we damn near busted our guts laughing so hard. "Oh my God, Jay," Sarah laughed, then held her stomach as she giggled. I was laughing just as hard as she was. "Do you think I used too much?" "How fast does that work?" she laughed again. "Well, the boxes at Costco said it worked well, but not to use too much of it." I snickered as our laughter finally died down a bit.
"How many boxes did you pour into the cake mix?" she asked incredulously. "All of them," I smiled serenely, causing Sarah to just about die laughing again. "I would have used a powdered chocolate-flavored laxative and poured it into the boxes of cake mix that the caterers had set aside for the white wedding. The cake and cupcakes were almost pure laxative since I dumped out most of the cake mix boxes and replaced them with the powdered laxative. I would also pour some in with the regular cake mix so that it wouldn't be too strong, but damn, I didn't expect it to work that fast. That was just the icing on the cake."
The night I would have gone to the caterer. It was ostensibly to work out a contract with him for the chocolate my bakery made. He contacted me a few months prior, and I would promise to get back to him. I told him that I would have been a little backlogged due to several of my team members getting sick, but once we were back up and running, I was able to take some samples to him. He had a greedy look in his eyes as he thought I was going to give him what he wanted. When he had given me a tour of the place, he showed me the kitchen and had even pointed out that they were catering the white wedding. I would already known, of course, but he didn't know that the bride was my cheating, gold-digging ex-wife. I played nice, then as soon as he told his people to knock off for the day, he went back to his office. After shaking my hand, he said he would get the paperwork drawn up for the contract and would let me and Tom know when it was finished. However, I think he must have forgotten all about that contract.
In the days that followed the wedding itself, as soon as everyone was gone and I left his office, I made for the back door to the kitchen, propped it open, then drove my car around. I switched out the powdered cake mix for the powdered chocolate laxative and left. I made sure the door to the kitchen latched and made sure that I didn't leave any boxes that I would have brought with me behind. One thing Captain Drake had taught us back when I was in the service was to never leave a trace behind. He was a good guy. Last I heard, he had resigned his commission and was now a history professor at UCLA. By the day of the wedding, all the evidence was gone. Nothing could tie me to the super lax cake. Only Sarah and I knew of the plan, and she wasn't talking.
When Sarah and I made it back to our place, she looked at me seriously. "Jay, that kiss earlier," she started. "Sarah, I know I was out of line, but you looked so beautiful, and I couldn't help myself," I blurted. She put a finger to my lips. "Let me finish, baby," she said. "That kiss earlier was the best damn kiss I've ever had. You're a good man and damn fine for a white boy. What I'm trying to say is that I think we could be good together." She was blushing somewhat, and I leaned in and kissed her slowly. Our lips touched, and hers parted to accept my tongue in her mouth. We kissed lovingly and tenderly, and I couldn't help but feel that I had been missing out on something so good for so long. As our lips finally parted, we looked into each other's eyes. "I think we'd be good together too," I said. "Only one way to find out," she smiled. Once inside, we kissed slowly again. I slipped the straps of her dress off her shoulders as I kissed her. We made love. It was amazing.
Now, some may ask why I set up the caterer the way I did. The problem was that Sam, the owner, had made a pass at Sarah when she'd first gone over there to negotiate with him back when I had first shown interest in doing business with us. After slapping Sam upside the head when he got too fresh, she came back and said that we shouldn't do business with him. What changed was when they were announced as the caterers for the White Wedding, and I saw the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.
The fallout from the "brown wedding," as the press put it, was instantaneous. The news channels and newspapers ran it the next day, and there were great shots and videos of the bride, groom, and guests running for the toilets off the dining hall. I had all the guys and girls from the shop over at Sarah's house with us to watch the festivities. None of the scenes there showed us, but everyone knew we'd been there. We all laughed so hard we cried as the snobbish elite ran for the toilets as if their asses were exploding. Needless to say, a lot of upper-crusty snobs were thoroughly embarrassed by the shots of them struggling to keep the brown stuff from stinking up the place too badly. The only people I felt sorry for were the janitors who had to clean all that mess up afterward.
Of course, about a week after the wedding fiasco, the cops came around asking questions. Sarah and I had attended the wedding, but we both said that we left when the [ __ ] storm happened, as we were worried about our own health. We kept straight faces during our interviews and only died laughing after the detectives had left. We never heard from them again.
Tom sued the caterer, but Sam, the caterer, skipped the country rather than pay the settlement. Last we heard, he lit out for Italy, where he was from. Not sure what happened to him after that. Tom White was caught in bed with another man's wife less than a year after the wedding. Who caught him? Her husband, and he was not very nice to Tom. He called Julia up, and she'd had a few choice things to say to Tom when she'd gotten into the offended hubby's house. Julia was on the doorstep of our new house shortly after that. At least Tom ended up losing a testicle in the ensuing melee. It seemed that while she had no problem cheating herself, she absolutely wouldn't stand for her hubby cheating on her. Kind of a double standard, wouldn't you agree?
Yes, Sarah and I moved into a larger place since her little two-bedroom just wasn't quite big enough. A four-bedroom ranch style was our new abode, and I had it halfway paid off by the end of the first year. It seemed that Tom had made Julia sign a prenup saying that if she filed for divorce for any reason, she walked away with nothing but what she had brought into the marriage. She still had her $125,000 job, but that was it. No billions for Julia Johnson.
It was late the following year when we heard a knock on the door. Sarah was 4 months pregnant, so I gave her a quick kiss and jumped up to grab the door myself. I answered the door to a crying Julia. "What do you want, Julia?" I asked in a neutral tone. "I'm sorry, Jay, so sorry for everything," she sobbed. "Hey, you were the one who wanted to trade up," I shrugged. "What happened?" "I caught Tom cheating on me," she admitted as she sobbed even harder. "Wow, tough break," I said sarcastically. "Jay, I'm really sorry. I was wondering if there might be any chance..." she cut herself off as she saw pregnant Sarah walk up from behind me. "Baby, who is it?" I heard Sarah ask as she came alongside me. She smiled at Julia. "It's Julia, and she was just leaving," I said as I slammed the door in my ex's face. I threw the deadbolt and took Sarah in my arms. "Forget the past, you're my future. I love you, sweetheart." "I love you too, baby," she said as she kissed me.
Sarah and I had eloped shortly after we found out she was pregnant, a small civil ceremony which was her idea, and we were husband and wife. She's still my manager at the shop, and she's still one of my best friends. I love my wife.
Thank you for watching our gripping tale of love, betrayal, and redemption. Mark and Julia's journey reminds us that even in the darkest times, new beginnings are possible. What would you do if you discovered your partner was unfaithful? Share your thoughts in the comments below. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe for more compelling stories like this one.