Transcription
Dr. Laura: Chloe, welcome to the program.
Chloe: Hi, Dr. Laura. Thank you for having me.
Dr. Laura: You're very welcome. What can I help you with today?
Chloe: Well, I guess I've been kind of struggling and maybe looking for a dose of reality of, my current relationship. We have been, together for four years, but have broken up three times in that process.
Dr. Laura: Okay. How old are you? How old is he?
Chloe: I'm 32 and he's 30.
Dr. Laura: Ah. So that's four years. Okay. How did you meet?
Chloe: Through a friend. Just at a get together at his house.
Dr. Laura: Either one of you have kids or any prior marriages or anything like that?
Chloe: I was married. Yep. I'm divorced. And. But he's. He's not, and there's no kids.
Dr. Laura: And what happened to your marriage?
Chloe: We were together for five years, married for two and a half. We had just built our home. And I wasn't really getting fully straight answers of whether he wanted kids. He would joke about not wanting them, but would say he did. We had just built our brand new home to fill with a family. And one day he told me, I'm so sorry, I've been lying to you this whole time. I don't want kids. And I packed up and left.
Dr. Laura: And how old were you when you married and divorced?
Chloe: I was 28 when we divorced. About 20, I think. 25 when we got married.
Dr. Laura: Where did he have the finances to build a house?
Chloe: We both were, you know, we both worked and we had. We saved up a good amount of cash to put down, and his parents actually gifted us 11 acres of land that we used for some collateral.
Dr. Laura: That's how. So when you divorced, did you get part of the land?
Chloe: No, I walked. I gave him everything, and I just asked for my half of the cash that we put down.
Dr. Laura: Okay, Interesting. Okay, so how did you meet this guy?
Chloe: Oh, you were, my ex-husband, you mean?
Dr. Laura: No, I'm sorry, you already told me that you got introduced. All right. Why have we broken up three times? What. What's that about? Tell me. First time, second time, third time.
Chloe: Started out very, you know, great, very great, very high. Kind, of like the love bombing you were just mentioning.
Dr. Laura: Yes.
Chloe: And then very quickly, I realized that he is, he's a very negative person. He's very. Woe is me, very. Life sucks all the time. And it got draining and he would, you know, he was very, avoidant, very dismissive. And I would get fed up and I would, you know, I would leave. And the second I would leave he becomes the. The perfect man.
Dr. Laura: Yeah, that's part of the love bombing.
Chloe: And I would get sucked right back in.
Dr. Laura: Yeah.
Chloe: Yeah.
Dr. Laura: And so the second time, why did you break up then?
Chloe: Same reason.
Dr. Laura: So you got. Okay. You realized nothing had changed. So why did you get together the third time?
Chloe: Again? He.
Chloe: We had. I'd stayed away the longest between the second and the third time getting back together, and I had actually dated somebody else. And the night. I don't know how it happened, but the night that I broke up with my. With the last one I had dated, he, came right back around, reached out to me. And I hadn't blocked his. I didn't have his number blocked. So he had called me, because it was around my birthday. So he called me to see if I had a good birthday. And I ended up kind of gushing to him that everything had kind of fallen apart with my boyfriend. And he asked to get together and to take me out for my birthday, and I said yes. And it was kind of all over from there.
Dr. Laura: So why did we break up with the newer one? What happened there?
Chloe: He was an alcoholic and was sober, you know, about nine months sober, out of rehab when I had met him. And, he relapsed. And that was one of my hard and fast lines. So I had said, I'm sorry.
Dr. Laura: So do you think this fellow we've broken up with three times is good for the long haul? Someone you can count on for the next 40 years to go through children and cancer treatments and heart attacks and relatives dying. Do you think he's the man who can help you through all of that based on everything you know about him? Well, then that's your answer. That's when you think of a man you're going to commit yourself to. You have to ask yourself all the problems with kids. Some kids having special needs, somebody getting breast cancer, somebody getting a heart attack, people dying, things happening with the bills. You gotta ask, is he the guy you can count on through all that? And your answer is no. Well, then, that's your answer. If you've been searching for quality movies, series and shows to watch, check out Angel. Angel is a streaming platform built around stories that uplift stories about courage and sacrifice, faith and family. And those are exactly the kinds of messages I'm always encouraging you to bring into your home. They offer a strong range of options, like Solo Mio with Kevin James, a fun choice for Date Night. David is a beautifully animated musical that families can enjoy together. And Cabrini is A powerful, true story that really stays with you. What I like about Angel is that their members have a voice in deciding the kind of stories that get told. When you join Angel, you get full access to their library, Their premium membership is ad free, and you even receive two tickets to every upcoming release in theaters. If you've been looking for entertainment that reflects your values, look no further than Angel. Go to angel.com/drlora. Your family deserves entertainment you can feel good about. Listen carefully. Unless you're willing to tie your tubes to make sure you can never bring children into that, you can keep recycling him. I don't mind if that's the way you want to live your life. Promises. Getting excited and then getting let down. And then getting excited and then getting let down. It's just that it's no good for a kid. So if you're willing to do that to yourself, I beg you not to do it to a child. So tie your tubes and continue on this cycle with him.
Chloe: Yeah, that's. I mean, that's. I hear. I understand what you're saying, but yeah, no, that's not an option for me. I want to be a mom more than. More than anything.
Dr. Laura: Well, if you want to be a mom, you have to make sure you get the right man. Because when you're a mom, you become very dependent in a lot of ways because your body, your mind, your psyche are focused in on momhood and he's got to carry you through all of that. This, according to you, this doesn't sound like the man you know, you could count on.
Chloe: No, not m. All the time. No, I don't.
Dr. Laura: Well, when you marry a man and have kids, it has to be all the time. It's interesting you just said that because, like, you're trying to keep the door a little bit open. Well, not all the time, but that's what you need. You need a man who's going to be there all the time and be able to handle those things. Yeah, all the time.
Chloe: I understand. Do, you have advice? I guess. Or I guess that, you know, answer is kind of indwelling in the back of my mind. And I think my fear of leaving is that I have kept going back and it is my, you know, it's. It's my fault. I have kept the door cracked for him to kick it open again. And I think I have a hard time with, I guess in a best way to put it, is like taking the villain way out and in hurting him.
Dr. Laura: Taking the what way out? Villain.
Chloe: I feel like person Is supposed to. The villain.
Dr. Laura: That's interesting. So what. Why are you. You're just doing that so you can stay with him. You're just doing crap like that so you can stay with him. Well, I'd be a bad person. He'd be hurt. So I shouldn't do this. Honey, tie your tubes. Stay with him. Please. It's okay. If you're not emotionally strong enough to be on your own and make good decisions, then tie your tubes and do whatever the mood strikes. Not every woman is strong and responsible.
Chloe: I mean, I would like to think I am, but obviously not.
Dr. Laura: No, you're not.
Chloe: All right, well, I guess I have. I, guess I have a decision to make. Some actions to take, I should say.
Dr. Laura: And what decision and actions do you mean?
Chloe: I know I need to leave him. I just. I need to pull the trigger and do it.
Dr. Laura: Then you'll be on your own again.
Chloe: Yeah. That's scary.
Dr. Laura: Why? I've always been interested in that, you know, I'm scared to be alone. Well, then why would anybody want to be with you if you're not even comfortable being with you?
Chloe: I don't. Yeah, I don't. I don't know. I don't really know why I've had this deep seated fear my entire life, but it's. It's been there.
Dr. Laura: Deep seated fear of what?
Chloe: My anxiety has always been around my parents dying. I'm an only child, so I guess kind of my fear was like, if I don't have somebody, then my parents pass away. I won't have anybody to help me through it, so I have to always be with somebody.
Dr. Laura: That's what therapists, ministers, and friends are for. Not a crappy relationship with a man. That's what friends, ministers are for.
Chloe: Your aches. I understand.
Dr. Laura: You won't have to handle that alone, no matter what, as long as you let people help you.
Chloe: Yeah. I'm hoping I won't have to go through it alone. At least without a partner, if I can, you know, the faster.
Dr. Laura: As I just said, that's a bizarre reason to look for a man. There are friends, ministers, therapists, other relatives. You don't look for a guy because you're hanging on to your parents. And when they die, you want to hang on to somebody else. That's not the kind of woman who makes a good wife and mother because she can't hack anything on her own. Which means your parents failed in raising you to be confident, competent, and independent. They failed.
Chloe: Yeah, that's. I mean, that's. That's a hard one to hear.
Dr. Laura: Well, their legacy is a kid who has to get a man to survive. The next generation reality. How sad for your parents.
Chloe: Yeah, they're not happy about it either. I'm sure they don't. They don't want me to feel like this either, so I.
Dr. Laura: Well, then instead of looking for a man, you need to get to the point of being confident enough in yourself that you can share that confidence with a good man. You're not ready for marriage. You're looking for a mommy substitute in a man. I love those you give me.
Chloe: Anyway, I agree with you. I just. I don't really know what to say. Like, I'm taking it in.
Dr. Laura: I don't need you to say anything. I mostly need you to think about all of this and make appropriate decisions based on this wisdom. So take care, and I do appreciate your call. My number, 1-800-375-2872. There are many reasons people are not necessarily ready to get married, and one of them is they're expecting their spouse to be the parent. And then later they call me and say he's too controlling. I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger. My number, 1-800-375-2872. What's my prescription for better, stronger, happier relationships? Easy. It's the all new Dr. Laura podcast, featuring a morning monologue by, yours truly and a call of the day handpicked by me. Listen daily and get a dose of my preaching, teaching and nagging at, drlaura.com or, or on the SiriusXM app or wherever you listen to podcasts. It's all good.