Transcription
The sun has returned to the DMV. We have warmth and a beautiful day. The perfect day to talk about something happy. Let's talk about divorce.
So many of you guys are in divorces that are long past their expiration dates, yet you stay. I don't know if it's out of fear, if it's out of, you know, the anguish of failure, or if it's just the thought of all the broken promises and lost expectations that keeps you locked into this nightmare that has now become your life.
Today I want to talk to you guys a little bit about divorce and why you need to initiate, why you need to push this forward, why it's not the terrible thing that you think, and it's actually the key to your liberation, the key to your life 2.0. So, let's talk about it.
Many of the men that I talk to are in marriages that they know are over. That there is no path forward for this relationship. They have come to the conclusion that divorce is in their future. They know that is on the way. And yet they don't pull the trigger. They won't do it.
It reminds me of when I went parachuting once, skydiving, first time, you know, you pay your fee, they give you the lesson, strap the parachute on your back, take you up in the plane, and they throw the door open, and there's a few minutes there where there's only about a lip of tin between you and the great beyond. And you stare down and there's no way you don't feel a little bit of fear on that first trip up. I mean, there's no way you're not thinking, I hope this shoot opens.
Well, divorce is a lot like that. You're staring into the abyss. You're not sure if this parachute's actually going to work. John's talking a big game, but I'm not so sure I trust him. Well, I can tell you from someone who's done both, jumped out of that plane and gotten a divorce, the shoot will open and your life will continue and you will find your way. No, it's not going to be easy and there's going to be some inconveniences and it's going to force you out of your comfort zone. But that's what life is all about, man. That's it. You got to get out of your comfort zone. Feeling a little pain lets you know you're alive. So, don't fear it. Don't avoid it because eventually the jump master's going to kick you out of that plane because the plane can't land with you in it. So, yeah, just jump. Just do it.
Today, I'm going to talk to you guys about at least eight, maybe nine, maybe 10 good reasons why you need to do this. You need to pull the trigger on this divorce. Because if you don't, one day you'll wish you had.
So the first thing I want to talk to you guys about is authenticity. I would argue that finding your authentic self is one of the primary purposes of life. And too many of us entered into a marriage before we had figured ourselves out, before we knew who we really were. And in fact, many of us were looking to a woman or a marriage or relationship or whatever to help us figure this puzzle out. Who are we? And unfortunately, the only way to figure yourself out is to take the time, have some experiences, experience the contrast of what you like and don't like, what works, what doesn't work, and to find that setting within you that feels normal and healthy and enjoyable.
I'm sitting here just watching Deboo roll around on the grass. That's authentic. That's his authentic self. He's just having the fun. He looks like he's just having the most fun in the world, just covered with grass. At the end of the day, if you can't figure yourself out, you can't find your authentic self, be in that place where you feel comfortable with who you are, comfortable in your own skin, that you're never going to grow. You're never going to progress beyond that place where you are right now. I would argue again that this relationship that you're in that's causing you so much pain is probably holding you back. It's probably preventing you from reaching that stage where you know who you are, what you want from life, and realizing it completely. You're using it now on some level as an excuse for not being the man you're supposed to be. And you need to come to terms with that. Why are you doing that?
But authenticity is at the core of this problem. You entered into this relationship not knowing who you were. You've had this experience and you've had a lot of contrast associated with it, good and bad. You've narrowed it down and now you've come to the realization that you're not the man you were when you started this journey. And the man that you are now, the authentic version of yourself or the more authentic version of yourself needs to break free of the decisions that the old guy had made. You've got to break free of the chains that you put on yourself because they no longer apply. They don't work for you anymore. You've got to become the man that you need to be. And the only way you're going to do that is to go through the crucible of divorce. So, there's no point in putting it off. You got to start this process. You got to make the decision and pull the trigger.
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One of the primary reasons I know divorce is right for you is because you're here right now watching this video. The title and the thumbnail of this video triggered you to check it out. So, you're at least divorce curious. You know, you at least have the thought in your mind. If you've got that thought in your mind, there is a relatively good chance it's there for a reason. It's not just a coincidence. There's something going on there. Deboo, no. No. You need to honor it. You need to honor whatever that is because if you don't, things aren't going to get better. In most cases, things are just snowballing.
As I've said in my other videos in the past, by the time a man gets around to the idea that this marriage isn't working, his wife has figured it out long, long ago, perhaps even years ago. She just hasn't found her path toward saying, "I want a divorce." So, if you're having these thoughts, you're not, you haven't discovered, you know, the cure to cancer or something. This is not an epiphany that someone else hasn't already had. Your wife is already there. She's probably already there. So, if you have that tough conversation, I don't think you're going to catch her off guard with it.
Another reason why guys really put off divorce is this idea that they have invested so much into this relationship emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially, whatever, that they don't want to lose the investment that they've made. But just like if you had bought, you know, AOL stock way back when and then it crashed in the dot bubble, holding on to that or putting more money into that isn't going to solve that problem. You've lost it. The investment is gone already. There is nothing to regain. There is no payoff from this.
Once a relationship hits a certain point, when that disrespect has settled in, when you are walking on eggshells around her all the time, when you feel like your self-respect has become a distant memory, well, at that point, it can only get worse. This is not going to get better. So, I would strongly suggest that you start putting your plan in place. Decide how you're going to do it, when you're going to do it, where you're going to do it. What does life look like after this? Start building up the courage to take this step to have that conversation because if you don't, I can almost guarantee you that at some point in the future, you're going to wish you had. And like I said earlier, I guarantee you she's already had these thoughts. So, you're not going to catch her completely off guard. I promise.
Number three, you've got this rare opportunity to wipe the slate clean and to start your life over. Sometimes you've got to take a step back before you can take a step forward. And I think a lot of guys fear that step back. They think that step back is going to be permanent. And I can guarantee you that it won't. When you take that step back, you're resetting. You're getting your head right. You're visioning your future. You're seeing what comes next. But if you're not willing to take that step back in order to move forward, you're going to stay frozen in this, I don't know what you call it. It's like a perpetual hell, you know, a purgatory of sorts where nothing good is happening, but it's not so bad that you can't continue on. It's not like it's killing you completely, but it's eating away at your life little by little by little by little until eventually you're going to reach a point where you just can't take it anymore. And either you're going to come to this place where you need to wipe the slate clean and take that step back anyway, or something worse is going to happen. The eventual erosion of your health, your mental health, your physical health, your self-respect, your dignity, all that stuff is going to eventually just crush you. And I think it could result in even your end of life. So, yeah, don't take this too lightly. This isn't something that is a small deal.
Wiping the slate clean is the path toward everything you ever wanted in your life. Staying where you are is more likely to lead to more pain, more anguish, more disrespect. It turns into a purgatory where you just become numb to the effects of the pain that you're feeling, and you don't want to live that life anymore. You've done it enough. You've earned your way out of it. Give it up. It's time to leave.
When I was young, I thought that getting old would suck. I thought that's got to be the worst thing ever. Little did I know I had so much control over the process. The greatest thing I have found about getting older is having the wisdom. And I've been lucky because I've been physically fit and relatively healthy and I've worked out for the last 25, 30 years. So my body is still relatively young. But what I've learned is that I have the wisdom that I never had or even could have imagined having 20 or 30 years ago. My perception, my perspective, my understanding of life has grown so much. This is exponential that I am unable to make the same bad decisions that I would have made 25 or 30 years ago. I see relationships differently. I see the world differently. I see my role in it differently. I see my career differently.
Here's the thing though. In order for me to achieve and to fully realize this wisdom, I had to come to terms with the fact that my marriage was over and I had to leave it and I had to go within myself and I had to spend some time on my own and I had to walk the trails with the dogs and I had to really do some reflection on my life and where I had been and where I had come and where I was going in order for this wisdom to fully mature within me. That is what's available to you when you cut ties with a past that no longer works for you. A past that will no longer fit into your future. I would argue that your marriage is that past. I would argue that the decision that you made to get married, which seemed perfectly right at the time, is now the one decision that you need to reverse, that you need to undo. You need to correct that.
You know, we hold on to these relationships like they are our identity. And that's where the problem happens. This is not your identity. All relationships have a beginning, a middle, and an end. All the relationships you have right now will end at some point. It's wise to say goodbye at the beginning and that way you know that this relationship is going to end. You know, I used to have, I've always had dogs, and I hate seeing dogs die. And I had this wonderful dog named Hunter for like 17 years, and he was such a sweet dog. Such a good, good dog. And when he died, it just devastated me. It was just devastating. That relationship with that dog was pretty important to me. So now, as I've gotten this new round of dogs, Shelby is really my only true dog that I got for myself. I say goodbye to them on the first day. You know, I come to terms with the fact that this is going to end. And doing that makes it a little bit easier that when the day comes that I need to let go, that I can let go. And I think with marriage, it's the same thing. You need to come to terms with the idea that this is going to end someday. And when you come to terms with letting go, when you finally do let go, the pain isn't quite as bad. You don't feel it quite as intensely because you knew this day was coming. You knew it was coming. And I wish we would start our marriages off with that idea in our head. Because even if you have a marriage that goes your whole life, one of you is going to die. One of you is going to die and one of you is going to have to be left behind. And coming to terms with that eventuality is critical. But the truth is the vast majority of us are going to get divorced long before death. So coming to terms with that, I think, is critical. And right now you're at that crossroads. So I strongly suggest that you start playing with this idea in your head. You start imagining what life is going to be like. That this divorce is going to happen. How are you going to handle it? What do you see for yourself? How do you want your relationship with your ex? How do you want your relationship with your kids? You've got to start seeing this. Otherwise, you're going to stay frozen in this purgatory.
Another concept I want you to wrap your brain around is that peace and happiness are their own reward. That just having the opportunity to experience peace and happiness in a profound way in your own life on a day-to-day basis is so enriching. The quality of your life, the quality of your moment-by-moment experience improves so much that you wonder why you didn't grant yourself this opportunity long ago.
I remember after my wife left, you know, you go through that initial sense of devastation, you know, and there's some pain, there's some letting go, there's got to be some releasing those roles. I remember feeling angry, sad. I mean, just a huge mix of emotions. Huge mix of emotions for a few months. For a few months, but then those emotions, they dissipated. They started to subside. And as they subsided, what took their place started off with peace. That was the moment when I realized that I'd been missing peace in my life for such a long time. And the mere fact that I was experiencing it without her there was such an enlightening moment. It was like, "Holy shit." The reason why I have not had this experience is because I've been in this relationship that had me so tied up in knots that I didn't know what it felt like to just be peaceful, to just relax, to truly relax. I think that when you're in a bad marriage, you don't recognize just how stressed out you are. And that stress is just the background noise to your whole life. And so you never completely relax. So when she was gone, I could fully relax. And then once that peace took hold, well, happiness was just around the corner, you know? I mean, I found myself laughing more and just having more fun and being a better person and hanging out with my kids more and just laughing and laughing and laughing. And I can't tell you how long it had been since I had had these just like full-on just crying, laughing, you know, where you're just laughing to the point where you're just on the floor crying and laughing because it's just so silly and funny. I had those experiences after my wife left, you know, and I did not have that experience when we were married for 20 years, 22 years. I did not have that. And when I had that experience on something stupid, I can't remember what it was. I realized that I had been containing my true self for this whole time. I had been playing a role. I've been acting it out. I was not my authentic self. And only in her absence could I be that. And now that happens all the time. Now I spend all day long just laughing. You guys laugh at me laughing at myself as I'm talking on these videos frequently. Yeah, I did not have the self-confidence to even laugh in front of my wife 10 years ago, you know, and now I'm laughing in front of tens of thousands of people without any inhibition, you know. I can laugh at myself for my own stupidity or my own faux pas in life, you know. So I think that finding that peace and happiness is going to be an enlightening moment for you. When you sense it, when you feel that peace seeping into your bones and you realize that you haven't felt this way in a long time, you're going to know that you've made the right decision. But you can't know that until you make the decision. You've got to get in there and pull the trigger on this thing. And I'm saying pull the trigger. I'm not saying shoot anybody. I'm just making myself clear here. I don't want anyone, I don't want to hear from some wife's lawyer saying he came in with a gun. No, that's not what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting end this relationship. Just end it. You know, put it out of its misery, so to speak.
Divorce is not a failure. I think that a lot of guys, especially high-performing guys, guys who were the straight A students in school and they did all the right things, they got into all the right colleges, got all the right jobs. This class of people struggle with failure in the gym. When I tell them to work to failure, they look at me like I'm insane. What do you mean failure? That's not in my vocabulary. Do not work to failure. I work to success. Yeah, you got to work to failure. Sometimes you got to push yourself past your limits. And divorce is not a failure. Let me just make that clear. Divorce is not a failure. Divorce is part of your evolution as a human being, as a man. Divorce is correcting the ship. It's getting the ship out of stormy seas, moving yourself into the direction that you want to go so that you're cruising toward a future that is enriching to you because you know that if you do that, if you are on your track, if you're walking your path, you're seeking your fortune in life, whatever that fortune is. I'm not just talking about money. I'm talking about experience, maybe different relationships, maybe it is money. But whatever it is, when you're seeking your own fortune and you're doing it under your own power without anyone else watching and criticizing and holding you back, you become a much more powerful being in your own life. And that doesn't just affect you, that affects all the people around you. That affects your family, that affects your friends, that affects the people at work. I mean, everyone that comes in contact with you is going to walk away a little bit better because you're more authentic, because you are walking your own path. And the sooner you do that, the sooner everything in your life is just going to get a little bit better. I strongly suggest that you make this decision. Divorce is the key that unlocks the door to your future.
This next one is big and I know a lot of people have some controversy over this issue and I don't want to get into religion necessarily, but I do want to talk a little bit about our life experience. There are people who say that love is the most powerful force in the universe and I think you can make a pretty strong case for that. I'm not going to disagree with that completely. However, I believe that faith is actually more powerful because through faith, and it doesn't matter what you have faith in, you have faith in yourself, you have faith in the future, you have faith in God, you have faith in the universe, you have faith that you're just a part of some bigger picture, that you're just a part of nature. It doesn't matter. You have to understand that there are no coincidences in life. That life has served this experience up to you or you on some deep subconscious or spiritual level have created this experience for your growth. And if you have faith that you're exactly where you should be, even though it's difficult and it's painful, you understand that in this pain there is opportunity and that you have faith that if you face this pain and you move through this crucible of divorce, that you will find your salvation on the other side. You will. You absolutely will.
Faith is a tough thing though. It's a very tough thing for some people and I get it. It's something you got to work on. Maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe it's all about you finding faith. Maybe it's all about you finding some spiritual path for yourself in your life. You know, like I said, I'm not going to talk a lot about religion here, but it has been my profound experience that having faith in my experience and what I'm facing and that there is some reason for what's happening and I do have a purpose and a destiny in this life allows me to take risks and do things that I otherwise would not do.
One of the other benefits of being older is you can start to look back over your life and you can start to see how all that big pile of puzzle pieces is now starting to come together and shape into a picture into a vision. And you can start to see the coincidences and how they all lined up in such a perfect way that all this stuff that happened before that just seemed so random and innocuous is now supporting the success and the happiness and the joy that you want to have in your life. You can see it coming together. When you have that moment, that epiphany of, "Oh my god, this has been my destiny the whole time," you start to realize that there is something else going on here. This isn't just about you. It's not just about your wife. It's a much bigger picture and the role that you play in it is critical. And your ability in this difficult moment to face the pain, to face the failure, to face the lost promises and the lost future and all of that that's under this path that's in your on your current path of being married, to face the loss of all of that and to choose your own authentic path and to move forward with some level of intention will grant you the opportunity to have that epiphany where you go, "Oh my gosh, I see how all the pieces fall together. I see how this is building into something that I never could have imagined. I see why all that happened. It all makes sense now." And once that happens, then it's hard not to realize there was something else going on that you're just a piece of something much larger. And your role in it is critical. It's critical. And your ability to make these decisions at these difficult times is part of the test. Because once you get through this process, once you are able to reclaim your life and make it yours again, you're going to be empowered to do great things.
Life is all about facing difficulty. If you'll notice, if you look around the world and think of all the people you admire and the lives that they live, nobody gets out of this life without having to deal with some pretty difficult things. All the great men before us had to struggle to become great. Their greatness was not granted them as a right of passage. They had to earn it. They had to go through the difficulty. They had to go through the crucibles of their own life. They had to struggle. Life is about that. Avoiding the fight, avoiding the struggle, avoiding the crucible of divorce is not going to serve you. In fact, I would argue that your avoidance of this difficulty will condemn you to the hell that lies before you in this marriage. The funny thing about hell is we all create our own. You know, I know there's some people out there who are fundamentalists and they like to think, well, you know, he's going to send you to hell. You can be down there with the devil and he's going to be burning you and cutting you up and all that stuff. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm not a big believer in hell, but I am a believer that we create our own hell. I am a believer that you can make your life hell right here and now. And if you're watching this video, I bet you already have a good insight on that. You have some good insights on how that happens. So if heaven is finding peace and happiness and purpose and accomplishment, if those are the pieces of heaven, if that's what heaven is made from, then you need to get a divorce. You know, if staying in this marriage could be heavenly for you, you wouldn't be watching this video. You realize now that this is going to end at some point, that this relationship is over, that this has not been what you had hoped it would be. There is no point in doubling down on this over and over and over again. You know, you can't work your way through this. Starting over, stepping back, and changing directions is probably the best thing that you can do.
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. I certainly hope you've enjoyed this video. If you have, please like and subscribe. If you know somebody who is struggling with these issues, and it's common. I mean, you know, relationships are our greatest teachers. They truly are. You know, so when I look at my ex-wife, I don't have bitterness for her. I think of her as being my greatest teacher. It was frustrating and painful and I was angry at times and sad and it caused me a lot of internal strife and anguish and all that. All that. It was the crucible of divorce. But it made me a better man. I came out of it stronger, healthier, better, smarter, more focused. My purpose laid clear before me. There was so much value that came from our divorce that could not have existed without our marriage. You know, so that's the difficult thing like, yeah, people say, should I get married or not, you know. And part of me thinks, you know, maybe you should because the pain that comes from the divorce in the future will make you a better man. I know that's a up way of looking at it, but honest to God, it'll make you a better man. It can make you a better man. I should say that you've got to do your part. You got to become the better man, you know.
Anyway, that's all I got for you today. Please like and subscribe. Until next time, stay healthy and if you can, stay single.