Transcription
Have you ever gathered the courage to share your experience of narcissistic abuse with a counselor or spiritual leader, hoping for understanding and guidance, only to walk away feeling more confused, more guilty, and somehow responsible for your own mistreatment? Well, you're not alone.
What if I told you that some approaches to counseling can actually deepen trauma rather than heal it? Especially when it comes to narcissistic abuse. In this video, I'm going to reveal why certain types of religious counseling can make abuse situations worse, how to recognize harmful guidance disguised as spiritual wisdom, and most importantly, what true biblical help for abuse actually looks like. Because contrary to what you may have been told, the Bible doesn't call you to endure abuse, it offers a pathway to genuine healing and freedom. And I also have some exciting news to share at the end of this video. So, please stick around for the whole video because you're not going to want to miss what I have to share.
Now, before we get into it, for those of you who are new to my channel, welcome. I'm Shenine Maggie. Welcome to my channel called Toxicity is Not Your Destiny, where I create weekly videos to help you navigate toxic relationships in your life from a biblical, practical, and spiritual perspective. So, if you'd like to receive regular content from me, subscribe to my channel, and don't forget to click the bell so that you can be notified every time I upload a video.
So, let's get into it. Let me start by acknowledging that many spiritual leaders and counselors genuinely want to help people. They're not intentionally causing harm. However, when it comes to narcissistic abuse, good intentions aren't enough. Without specific understanding of both narcissistic dynamics and proper biblical interpretation, even well-meaning guidance can lead to devastating consequences. I have heard countless stories from people who sought help from religious counselors only to be told things like forgiving means choosing to forget what they did to you otherwise you're holding on to bitterness or remember that you're a sinner too and we all sin or just pray for them and let God deal with them. It's not your job. These responses might sound spiritual on the surface, but they fundamentally misunderstand both the nature of narcissistic abuse and what the Bible actually teaches about relationships, boundaries, and justice.
So, let's look at five specific ways that misguided religious counseling can actually deepen the trauma of narcissistic abuse.
The first problem is misapplying the concept of biblical submission. Some counselors take verses like Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit to your husbands," completely out of context. They turn them into weapons that keep victims trapped in abuse. What these counselors miss is the verse that comes right before it, Ephesians 5:21, which calls for submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. They also ignore that the same passage commands husbands to love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Christ's love is self-sacrificing, protective, and honoring, not controlling, demeaning, or abusive. When a counselor tells an abuse victim to submit more, they're not only misinterpreting the Bible, but potentially endangering someone's physical, emotional, and mental health. True biblical help recognizes that submission in the Bible is mutual, voluntary, and it exists within the context of love and respect, not fear and control. It never means submitting to abuse or mistreatment.
The second problem is oversimplifying forgiveness. Many abuse victims have been told that they must forgive and forget or reconcile at all costs or that true forgiveness means restoring the relationship as if nothing happened. And this misunderstands what biblical forgiveness actually is. The Bible does call us to forgive. But forgiveness in the Bible doesn't mean denying that wrong was done or removing all consequences for harmful actions or automatically restoring trust or continuing in unsafe relationships. Jesus taught about forgiveness extensively. He also taught about repentance. He says, "If your brother sins, rebuke him. And if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in the day and turns to you seven times saying, "I repent," you must forgive him." Notice the pattern. Sin, rebuke, repentance, then forgiveness. While we can forgive someone in our hearts regardless of their repentance, which means releasing the right to vengeance and bitterness, reconciliation, on the other hand, requires genuine repentance, which is something the narcissist rarely demonstrates. True biblical help distinguishes between forgiveness, which is releasing bitterness, and reconciliation, which is restoring relationship. Recognizing that the latter requires genuine change, not just empty words.
The third problem is misusing the concept of suffering. Some counselors tell abuse victims that their suffering is God's will or that they should rejoice in their trials based on verses like James 1:2-4 or 1 Peter 3:14-17. This is a profound misapplication of these passages. The Bible does speak about suffering for doing good or for the sake of the gospel, but it never glorifies suffering abuse at the hands of those who should be loving and protecting you. Jesus himself avoided unnecessary suffering at times. He slipped away from crowds who were trying to stone him and he instructed his disciples to shake the dust off their feet and leave towns that wouldn't accept them. The Apostle Paul used his Roman citizenship to avoid being flogged. The Bible distinguishes between suffering for righteousness and suffering needlessly. When counselors tell victims to endure abuse as their cross to bear, they're not offering biblical wisdom, but a distortion that keeps people trapped in harmful situations. True biblical help recognizes that while suffering is a part of life, God doesn't call us to remain in abusive relationships when escape is possible. Sometimes the most godly thing you can do is walk away from those who consistently harm you.
The fourth problem is creating false equivalence between the abuser and the abused. Many victims have heard statements like, "Well, you're not perfect either. It takes two to tango. You need to focus on your own sins or you're both equally responsible for the problems." This kind of thinking ignores the fundamental power imbalance and intentionality in narcissistic abuse. While no one is perfect, there's a vast difference between ordinary human imperfection and systematic patterns of control, manipulation, and abuse. The Bible doesn't flatten all sin into one category. Jesus even said that some sins are greater than others. And the Bible also says that teachers are held to a stricter judgment than other people. The Bible clearly differentiates between human weakness and deliberate destructive sin, especially when someone uses their power to manipulate, to control, and harm others. Equating normal relational tension with narcissistic abuse not only misapplies scripture, it enables evil. It keeps the abused confused, often in bondage. True biblical counsel doesn't erase distinctions. It discerns them. Jesus also addressed this kind of false equivalence in the Bible when he spoke about removing the log from your own eye before addressing the speck in someone else's eye. And notice he didn't pretend the log and the speck were the same size. When counselors blur the lines, they end up participating in the gaslighting that's already happening. A form of psychological manipulation that makes the victim doubt their own perception, memory, or sanity, making victims question their reality and blaming themselves for their mistreatment. True biblical help recognizes a difference between mutual conflict where both parties contribute relatively equally and abuse where there's a clear pattern of power and control by one person over another.
The fifth problem is spiritualizing away practical steps. Some religious counselors offer only spiritual solutions like prayer and Bible reading while dismissing practical steps like setting boundaries, creating safety plans, seeking legal protection when necessary, getting professional trauma therapy, building financial independence. This approach creates a false dichotomy between spiritual and practical solutions. But throughout the Bible, we see faith and practical wisdom working together. In Nehemiah, they prayed and they posted a guard. In Acts, the early church both prayed and organized systems to care for widows. When counselors suggest that just praying more will solve abuse situations, they're ignoring the practical wisdom that the Bible itself models. And this can leave victims feeling that taking practical steps to protect themselves somehow demonstrates a lack of faith. True biblical help integrates spiritual practices with practical wisdom. Recognizing that God works through both prayer and action.
Now, if you're trying to discern whether the spiritual guidance you're receiving is truly helpful or potentially harmful, I want to offer you something that might help. I have created a resource which is a checklist of signs of spiritual abuse or cultish environments. While this checklist was originally designed to identify problematic religious groups, it is equally valuable for evaluating religious counseling. It outlines the warning signs of spiritual manipulation and control tactics that masquerade as biblical guidance. You can download this free resource by clicking on the link in the description box below. I created it especially to help people distinguish between genuine spiritual support and harmful religious manipulation.
Now that we understand how religious counseling can sometimes make abuse worse, let's talk about how to recognize potentially harmful guidance. Here are five warning signs.
The first sign, be cautious if a counselor is pushing for quick reconciliation without addressing the underlying abuse patterns. Beware where reconciliation becomes their primary goal rather than safety, healing, or genuine change. They may say things like, "Let's get you two back together as quickly as possible." Or, "The goal is to save the relationship at all costs." Or, "Separation should only be a last resort and very temporary." True biblical help recognizes that reconciliation requires genuine repentance and changed behavior over time, not just apologies or promises. As Proverbs 14:15 says, "The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps."
The second sign, be weary if a counselor minimizes or normalizes abusive behavior, saying things like, "All marriages have problems. He was probably just having a bad day." That doesn't sound that serious to me. Are you sure you're not exaggerating? This minimization often happens because the counselor lacks understanding of narcissistic abuse patterns or because they're uncomfortable facing the reality of what's happening. True biblical help takes abuse seriously, recognizing that God himself is described as a defender of the oppressed throughout the Bible. The psalm tells us, "Oh Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted. You will strengthen their heart. You will incline your ear to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more."
The third sign, be cautious if a counselor uses the Bible selectively to pressure you into compliance rather than bring genuine healing and wisdom. They might quote verses out of context, ignore passages about justice and protection, use the Bible to shut down questions or concerns, apply different standards to different people, may be stricter for victims and more lenient for the abusers. True biblical help uses the Bible as a source of comfort, wisdom, and truth, not as a tool to manipulate and control. The Bible itself warns about those who distort the scriptures to their own destruction.
The fourth sign, be concerned if a counselor suggests that you're responsible for the abuse that you're experiencing. Saying things like, "What did you do to provoke him or her?" If you are more submissive, more peaceful, more loving, this wouldn't happen. God is allowing this because there's something he wants you to learn. This is happening because of your lack of faith or sin or spiritual weakness. And this victim blaming contradicts how Jesus himself responded to the vulnerable and the wounded. He never blamed people for their own oppression, but instead offered compassion, healing, and sometimes righteous anger toward their oppressors. True biblical help places responsibility where it belongs on the person choosing to engage in abusive behavior while offering compassion and practical support to those being harmed.
Number five, the fifth sign, be weary of a counselor who discourages you from seeking additional help, saying things like secular counseling will just lead you away from God. Or, you don't need a therapist or a counselor if you have Jesus, or those abuse support groups will just make you more bitter, or everything you need is in the Bible. Other sources aren't necessary. This isolation tactic, whether intentional or not, cuts you off from valuable support and perspectives that could help you see your situation more clearly. True Biblical Health recognizes that God works through many channels, including trained mental health professionals, trauma-informed support groups, and educational resources. There is a proverb that reminds us that without counsel, plans fail, but with many advisors, they succeed.
And if you've experienced harmful religious counseling that's made your situation worse, I want you to know that this wasn't your fault. You were seeking help in a place that should have been safe and you deserved better guidance than what you received.
So, now that we've identified how religious counseling can sometimes go wrong, let's talk about what genuine biblical help for abuse situations actually looks like. So, here are five characteristics of truly biblical counseling for narcissistic abuse. Number one, it prioritizes safety. Number two, it offers balanced biblical teaching. Number three, it integrates multiple forms of support. Number four, it empowers rather than controls. And number five, it offers hope without minimizing reality.
If you've experienced harmful religious counseling in the past, you might be hesitant to seek counseling again. And that is completely understandable. But if you do want support that both honors your faith and your need for safety and healing, here are some suggestions for finding it.
The first thing is to look for specialized training. Seek counselors or support groups that have specific training in both trauma and abuse and faith. General biblical knowledge is not sufficient for addressing the complexities of narcissistic abuse. Ask potential counselors, "What specific training do you have in narcissistic abuse? How do you approach situations where someone's safety is at risk? What's your perspective on separation or divorce in abuse situations?" Their answers will tell you a lot about whether they can provide truly helpful guidance.
The second thing to look for, observe their fruits. Jesus taught us in Matthew 7:16 that you will recognize them by their fruits. When considering a counselor or a support group, look at the results of their guidance in other people's lives.
Number three, ask the Holy Spirit for discernment. You have access to God giving you the capacity for discernment. So ask God and invite him into the process. And as you do that and you feel that something feels off or wrong about the counsel you're receiving, even if you can't immediately articulate why, pay attention to that feeling because that could be the Holy Spirit highlighting something to you.
Number four, fourth sign, seek multiple perspectives. As we discussed earlier, the Proverbs tells us that with many advisors, plans succeed. When dealing with something as complex as narcissistic abuse, it is wise to gather perspectives from multiple sources. I would also add that it is good to ask God to lead you to the right sources and shut the door on the wrong ones so that you know who would be truly helpful and who God is sending to you.
And number five, as you seek help, remember God's heart toward those who are experiencing abuse and oppression. Throughout the Bible, God is constantly defending the vulnerable, opposing the proud and the abusive, valuing truth and justice, offering genuine healing and restoration. Any council that portrays God as endorsing your mistreatment or requiring you to endure abuse is a misrepresentation of his character and his heart.
So, I hope this video was helpful. Now, on to my exciting news. Speaking of finding true biblical help, I want you to know that you don't have to navigate this healing journey alone. If what I have shared today resonates with you and you're ready to move beyond just surviving to actually thriving, I have something that might actually be what you've been looking for.
I am currently accepting applications for my 12-week group coaching program for men or women who are ready to reclaim their God-given identity after narcissistic abuse. We have a program for women and a separate program for men. And this isn't just another program. It is a biblically grounded, trauma-informed community where you'll find the kind of support that actually understands what you've been through. In this program, you'll learn to set boundaries that actually stick, rebuild your confidence in hearing God's voice, and step into the purpose that he has for you and that he's had all along. You'll be surrounded by other people who get it, who understand the unique spiritual confusion that abuse creates, and who are also committed to healing God's way.
So, enrollment is open right now, and the program runs from the week of September 8th through December 2nd. It is on a first come, first serve basis. We have limited spots, 45 seats for women and 15 seats for men. If you're tired of feeling stuck and ready to move forward with people who truly understand your journey, we would love to talk with you about whether this program is right for you. So, you can schedule a 20 to 30 minute discovery call with me or one of my trained coaches. All the details are in the description box below. If you're watching this after the enrollment has closed, you can join the wait list. And if spots are full, keep checking back because we are always opening new spots every day. If there is still a link to book a call with us, it means there are still spots available.
Thank you for watching. Remember, toxicity is not your destiny. God desires your healing and freedom, and he's provided paths to both, even when some religious voices have obscured the way. I'll see you in the next.