Transcription
Lately, we all seem so busy labeling our exes as narcissists. And maybe that's because it's easier to blame and mischaracterize someone when we're hurt and feeling betrayed. But it doesn't necessarily mean that they're actually a narcissist. Doesn't mean they're not.
I'm Lisa Block, therapist, author, and life coach. And in today's video, I will be listing 10 favorite phrases of the female covert narcissist. And I'll provide my translation of what they are actually saying. Male covert narcissists may say these things too, but my channel is mainly aimed at helping men who are in toxic relationships.
If you like this video, please like, comment, subscribe, hit the notification bell so you don't miss anything. So keep in mind that if your partner says one or two of these phrases on occasion, it doesn't make them a narcissist. We all have some narcissistic tendencies. So what's important to pay attention to is patterns of behavior and communication over time. In other words, other than in the beginning of the relationship, have they been progressively getting worse? Talking to you and treating you with more and more disrespect and disdain? Are they regularly cutting you down, not just with their words, but with dismissive tones and body language? Do they act like they're superior and entitled, consistently lacking empathy for your needs? Do they seem incapable of handling any type of criticism, becoming defensive or attacking, no matter how gently or diplomatically you try to bring things up? Is she continuously controlling or coercing you to see things and do things her way through the use of guilt, fear, and the crushing of your self-worth? My point here is, look at the big picture, not just at the phrases that I'm about to list. Take the actual symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder into account. And if you want to learn more about NPD, click on the link above.
So most people can spot an overt narcissist from a mile away because they're old, boastful, and arrogant. But the covert narcissist is so much harder to spot because they often are shy, they act sweet, vulnerable, sometimes becoming very introverted, or alternatively, being very social, getting their supply from obsessively helping others and portraying themselves as a community hero. So when it comes to the covert narcissist, you may have no idea what you're getting into or dealing with until you're totally in love and committed to them. Once you're hooked, their contempt rears its ugly head, slowly, subtly, and progressively. Now, I'm not talking about a bad fight or having a bad day, um, you know, high stress moment. I'm talking about a continuous pattern of subtle critiques, smug remarks, sneering tones, eye rolls, size complaints about how you look, how you do things, how you don't do things. Just every day that they just, they just gotta come at you. They just wake up, they have an agenda, and they're like these psycho robots that never run out of batteries. And every day, right? Eventually, it's almost constant complaints and criticism. And as she gets progressively disappointed in you, she's just oozing disdain towards you as you fail to match up with her delusional reality. So it goes without saying that a relationship with an overt or covert narcissist is toxic. But here are 10 of the favorite and frequently used phrases of the female covert narcissist.
Number one: "You're just trying to start an argument. I don't want to fight right now." And the translation here is, "I got you. I pushed your buttons. Now you're upset and you want to resolve this, but I'm going to deny you that resolution." This puts the narcissist in a dominant position because she can leave you spinning in this negative psychological, unresolved emotional state as long as she wants. So the sentence is often followed up by a long, drawn-out silent treatment or stonewalling. And the more you want that resolution, the more anxious and insecure you get, and the more likely you are to take responsibility for whatever went wrong just to get that resolution. You might even start questioning whether they are right and whether you are the problem. For those with narcissistic personality disorder, the silent treatment is used as a tactic to mess with your mind and get you to submit. Here's how it typically works: As soon as you bring up anything, they attack you and quickly get you on the defensive. Now, it's not about what you brought up anymore. Now, it's about this other thing. So I noticed that anytime she was losing a fight, I don't know why, she just feels like that's why you're just going to grow old and be alone. The next thing you know, I'm in the kitchen washing dishes for the ninth time in a row. This is what the argument was about. I was so right. What happened? Remember, in the beginning of the relationship, she studied you mentally and emotionally, mapped you out, found out your likes, dislikes, fears, traumas, triggers, and so on, while giving you only superficial fluff about herself. And even if she told you things that seemed so vulnerable, things that she supposedly never told anyone before, this stuff, if it's true, are stories she's repeated multiple times and that no longer even affect her. She most likely did not give you anything that you could hurt her with or use against her. So it's a 90-10 split when it comes to her understanding your operating system and what makes you tick versus you understanding hers. So she knows how to push your buttons. She knows how to upset you. And once you're upset, she steps away, she stays above it all, leaving you reeling. And she gets to decide when to give you the antidote, which is her forgiveness, after you beg for it.
Number two: "I was just kidding," or "Why do you always take things so personally?" or "I was just trying to help you." Narcissists tend to say these types of things after giving you a backhanded compliment or blatantly insulting or disrespecting you. And what they're really saying is, "How dare you accuse me of doing something wrong?" The narcissist will very rarely take responsibility for doing something wrong or hurting you. So as they demean you and plant seeds in your mind to lower your self-esteem, they also create an out for themselves by leaving an element of doubt. Well, maybe it was just a joke. Maybe I am taking things too personally. And now your focus is not on how disrespectful and demeaning they were, but rather ruminating on whether maybe what they're saying is true.
Number three: "No one appreciates me. No one appreciates everything I do for them." Translation: "You need to give me the appreciation and admiration I deserve, you ungrateful nobody. I am entitled to better than this. You need to step up your efforts to supply me." Another reason is because they are getting supply simply by playing the victim, getting sympathy from whoever doesn't know what's really going on.
Number four: "You're crazy," or "You're always imagining things." Calling you crazy, or some variation thereof, directly to your face or to others is a very common tactic used by narcissistic partners. In reality, she doesn't believe that you're truly crazy, at least not yet. But she's planting that seed of doubt in your mind and in the minds of those around you so that you will start to question your sanity. And if you go to someone for support, their perception of you is already tainted in a negative way. The female covert narcissist also loves to gaslight you, make you believe that you are, in fact, losing your mind and shouldn't trust your own perceptions, memories, senses, and so on. And they do this to control and dominate you by making you more reliant on them to interpret reality for you. So they get to control the narrative of what happened and what didn't happen. And for more on gaslighting, just click on the link above. The gist is that they make you and everyone around you think that you're going crazy so that they can avoid detection and avoid taking responsibility, making you look like you're the problem and the cause of all the issues in the relationship.
Number five: "I don't have time for this." Translation: "Whatever is important to you doesn't matter to me, and you can forget about me spending my precious time and energy on something that matters to you."
Number six: "I didn't say that," or "You're always putting words in my mouth," or "That's not what I meant." Now, it is possible on occasion that a partner truly doesn't remember saying something. But if this is happening regularly, it is more likely a tactic to avoid taking responsibility for something that they've said. Remember, the narcissist is never wrong, and they don't feel bad for the things that they say and the way that they treat people. They truly believe it's not their fault and you deserved it. And even when caught red-handed, they will still deny having said it and say that you are remembering wrong or that's not what they meant.
Number seven: "You are so insecure, jealous, needy, and clingy." So when the narcissist says this, it might be a projection of their own feelings of insecurity, or it's simply a shifting of the blame away from themselves and onto you. They've done something wrong and are trying to get you to feel bad about how you reacted to the situation. Here's an example: Let's say your narcissistic partner clearly flirts with someone right in front of you. And when you question them about that behavior, she calls you insecure, jealous, and accuses you of not being able to tell the difference between friendly and flirting. And then starts talking about something you did 10 years ago instead of admitting that she was flirting. She makes it about you. She did nothing wrong, and clearly something is wrong with you if you don't shut up and let her be friendly as she pleases.
Number eight: "You never put me as a priority. You care more about everyone else." What the narcissist is saying here is, "I'm not getting the attention, praise, validation, and admiration that I deserve." If you're getting this, even though you've been bending over backwards, waiting on her hand and foot, trying to please her and make her happy, you may very well be dealing with a covert narcissist.
Number nine: "You'll never find anyone as good as me." The narcissist may be saying this for two reasons. The first is because they actually believe themselves as superior to you. And the second is that they want to lower your self-worth to a point where you are afraid to leave because you believe that you really are no good for anyone, you have no other options, and you truly don't deserve better.
Number 10: "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?" They're comparing you to someone who is better than you to make sure you know you're not good enough, you're not cutting it, you're not meeting their high standards and expectations, and letting you know that there is someone who could. So the message is, "You need to change pronto. Work harder. Do more and be the man she thought you were." This tends to activate your competitive nature. It puts a target on who and how you need to be in order to win at this game, to get that ideal version of her back, the one you met in the beginning of the relationship. And it makes you wonder if you could get that fantasy future you'd envisioned if you just worked a little harder. Meanwhile, what they're actually doing is bringing you down yet another notch in your own mind, chipping away at your self-esteem, convincing you that you need to prove yourself and your worth. Do as she says. And obviously, this gives her the ultimate upper hand as you continue to give yourself up in order to try and please her every day. It's, it's like waves hitting the beach, you know, every day just a road and a little more your life away, you know, just waking up inch by inch. And every day, just, "Why are you hanging out with him? He drinks too much. Where'd you find that? That's ugly. Throw it out." Okay.
So when you hear one of these sentences in isolation, you might think it's not that bad. But when it's repeated and said in combination with the smug, demeaning, contemptuous tone or body language, it can have a powerful and devastating effect on your mental health and your well-being, making you feel like a no-good piece of garbage. And that from your partner, who you think loves you, can really play a number on you. And if you try to talk to them about any of this and they get defensive, aggressive, or try to shut you down in other ways, then it's toxic, no matter what label you attach to it.
So if you need help getting out of a toxic relationship, please check out my toxic relationship recovery program by clicking on the link in the description section. And thank you for watching. I hope you enjoyed this video. And if you did, please, um, comment, like, subscribe to my channel. And to learn more about the toxic tactics of the female covert narcissist, click on the link above.
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Thank you.