Transcription
Foreign, what's up Shay? Hey, how are you doing? We are partying. What are you up to? That's not true. I'm not. I'm not. I'm just at work. What are you doing? Oh, just living a dream. Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they are for sure not living the dream. What's going on? I, I've had Adrian. Not the dream. Excellent. Good, good work right there. All right, so what's up?
I am really struggling with motherhood and specifically getting overstimulated and overwhelmed with my kids and all the responsibilities that come with it. And I'm just looking for any help, any way that I can work through that. I love my kids, of course, with everything. For the rest of the show, you don't even have to repeat that because I know that I know you love them. Okay, um, overstimulation with moms is kind of a hot topic right now. Tell me, tell me what that means to you. Do you have kids?
I do. Right? You know, I'm sure anyone who's seen a small child in a busy area, you get overwhelmed by the sights and the sounds and the noises, and they get cranky, and they start fussing and having issues. I feel like that as an adult. I have a hard time with the noises. One of my kids constantly moves, never stops running, never stops climbing, fidgeting. The other one cannot stop talking. He talks a mile a minute. He is probably a hundred thousand words a day, constantly. And so between the sounds and the movement, and then do you walk through, do you walk through your kitchen and you feel little things under your feet? Oh, constantly. And then you step on your truck or a Lego, and there's a crumb, then a thing, and it's all, it's like sensory overload. It is all the time. And I don't want to be overloaded with my kids and with motherhood. Of course, I, I get, I either get to the point where I'm so hyper-focused on everything that's going on, or I completely shut down. And my kids deserve better than that. I wouldn't say better. These are different. Okay. Is that cool? Yeah. Okay.
Um, so what's the, what's the core message that you feel in your chest, like a ticker tape at the bottom of like a Fox News or CNN or something like that? What is the core message of a mom with two wily little kids? Like when you have a kid that won't stop talking, you have a kid that's just kind of running around everywhere and tripping and falling, and there's crumbs and there's wrappers and there's, what is that core message in your chest? What are you, what are you telling yourself? I guess that I'm failing. There it is. And what's beneath "I'm failing"? What's the message beneath that one? It's probably the one you've been sitting on since you were a little bitty girl. I'm not good enough. Yeah. Worthless. I'm freaking worthless. And here's guest exhibit number 144. I can't even keep my kids, fill in the blank. And then that's followed by, what kind of mom doesn't even like her own kids? Fair. Yeah. And then your sweet body spins up, trying to take care of you. And it runs as fast as it can until it collapses. Then it spins back up and runs as fast as it can until it collapses. Are you married? I am. Then knucklehead comes home and starts pawing at you. And you're like, God, if you touch me, I'm gonna kill you. And you kind of like, some conversation, but you kind of like sleeping with them. And then you think, what kind of mom, wife am I that won't even sleep with this great? What's the Met? Right? Absolutely. Touched out is the word we use in my household. Yep. Touchdown. Touchdown. So instead of that touch being a safe place, like a, like a place that you can't wait to get to, it's a place that makes you feel like you're electrified. So I want you to think of your body as doing its best job to protect you. And it's been protecting you from this core message that you're, you're not worth much or anything for a long, long time. I talk to people all over the country that get that mess, got that message from their church growing up, that you were such a worthless, disgusting creature that God had to murder his kid so that your disgustingness could, right? That was part of the narrative. Or it could have been from Dad. Could have been from Mom. "Are you seriously going to wear that? It would have killed you to get one more a really? Oh my gosh, gross. Eat that. He never stopped." And this core message is, you're not good enough. You're not good enough. You're not good enough. And then, and then marriage is going to rescue us, right? We're going to find that guy who loves us. Do you feel safe with him? So I'm gonna ask you something weird. A common threat, and it's not always so. Tell me I'm wrong. I'm wrong. But a common response to the message of "I'm worthless" when you find somebody that you feel safe with, your body actually kind of slows down a little bit. With you, you overdo it with them to the point that they're like, "Ah, you're a lot." And they say it in their nice, kind way because that's usually those kind of people. And you feel it when they go, "Ah." And then they try to re-jump the bridge through sex. Am I onto something? I think that sounds real familiar, actually. Your husband called me and like, filled me in on everything. And you're, I'm just kidding. Not even a little bit. No. Not that wouldn't surprise me. It's okay.
So here's, here's the goal here. The goal is not to be less overstimulated. I know that sounds bananas. Overstimulation is your body trying to get your attention. Okay? We don't protect our houses from burning down by taking all the smoke detectors out. What we want to do is address that core message that yet again, you're not worth anything. And it's not true. That's that's the, that's the problem with it. It's not true. It's a lie. It's false. And so we are going to begin a practice where when our body starts taking off on us, we're going to catch it. We're going to have somebody that we trust. That could be your husband. That could be your girlfriend of yours. That could be, um, um, your mom, if she's safe. She probably is not, based on your story. Um, it could be a, a counselor. Whatever. But all we're going to do is when we feel our body, when one kid's running around and you say, "Stop running," and they just keep running, and instantly, that's it right there. Your body dumps into, "Your own kid won't even listen to you." Yeah. "Wait, a way to be nice mom." And then you yell or snap. And then you're like, "Ah, and I'm a terrible mom too." We're just gonna stop right there. And we're literally gonna put our hand on our chest and we're gonna feel our bodies. And we're going to exhale really deep and say, "That's not true. I'm not a terrible mom. I'm exhausted." Tada. "I get to be exhausted, not terrible. I am not worthless." And we're going to be really intentional about "I am" statements. "I am a good wife." And "I am a great mom." And "I am working to practice on some new things that I've never done before in my life." Do you hear how one of these is so much more peaceful than going to war?
So here's a couple of weird things I want you to practice. Okay? Okay. And you're not going to find this in traditional parent literature. Um, in there, so they're kind of weird. Number one, I want you to practice not using your kids as a report card. Here's what that means. When your kid does something ridiculous, like knocks over a plate of chips in a restaurant or yells real loud, I don't want you to look around and make eye contact with other people. I want you to feel your body kind of getting embarrassed and ashamed and, oh my gosh. And then go, "He's two. You know what two-year-olds do? Knock over chip bowls." Next time, I, as the adult, I'm just gonna remember to move the chips. Ta-da. No war, no fight, no running, no body starting to try to defend me because there's nothing to defend. I'm just gonna remember to move the chips next time. When somebody says, "Man, this one's got a lot of energy." Let your first impulse, I want you to practice this, be, "Thank God. It's so great. It's a lot, but it's so great." Do you see what I'm saying? We're practicing new ways of doing that. Okay? And you're gonna stumble and fall and trip and screw up and be like, "Oh gosh, he's the worst." Then you're gonna catch yourself, be like, "He can be the worst, but man, I'm glad these health and he's running around." And we're just gonna practice that. Okay? Here's the second one. And when I say this, I don't want you just to immediately run into a big ball of burning shame. Okay? It sounds like an old, uh, My Chemical Romance song, but I don't want you to be like, just a ball of shame. Okay? Okay. I want you to practice being likable. And here's what I mean by being likable. Not being a doormat. Not having feelings. That's not what I mean. Whenever you find yourself about to tell your kid to stop running around, I want you to ask yourself, "Why? Why am I deciding that this is an important hill?" Is he unsafe? Then yeah, of course. And instead of yelling, I'm just gonna get up and pick him up. Or I have this picture that a perfect mom has perfect kids. And perfect kids don't move. They don't run around. They don't ask questions. They don't talk too much. And that's not true. Perfect kids are silly and rambunctious and quiet and loud and some sleep and some aren't very good at sleeping. It's a, it's just a bunch of different pictures. And so when I say practice being likable, practice skipping every other, "Hey, stop. Hey, quick, quick. Hey, quit." Asked, "Can you just put?" Skip every one of those. Or when one of your kids starts talking, I want you to like, you can put your hand up and go, or put your hand on them and say, "Hey, Mom needs seven minutes. When this clock says one, four, two, I want to hear all about your story. And you are going to have three minutes. I want you to tell me the whole story. Are you ready?" And they'll go, "Yeah." And then you take those seven minutes and you breathe and you go, and you go, "Ah." And some of that chatter will have dissipated. And there will be a core story there that you can hold your kids' hands, squat down, and look them in the eye and say, "Tell me all about it." And now your body's not trying to do 48 things at once. It's just lasered in here. And you're gonna find that that kid isn't as knowing as you think it is. Think he or she is. And all we're doing, we're just practicing being likable. And with your husband, there's a way that you can push and push and push until you snap. We're just gonna go way upstream. And you're gonna, he's gonna ask you every morning, "What's the best way I can love you today?" And what you're going to find in a couple of weeks or a couple of months is, man, if you do bedtimes or help with bedtimes, and if you just see a dish in the sink, I have a strange thing about dishes in the sink, or whatever the thing is for you, um, you are going to have more peace. And he's gonna have a lot more sex than you are too, obviously. See what I'm saying? Yes. Okay.
So I threw a lot at you. I want to hear back from you. You may have, you may be like, "Dude, John, I've done all of these things." Or this may be totally new. Tell me what you're feeling as I'm talking. A big conversation, actually. Okay. Um, my product of listening to your show all the time. Okay. Tell me how that conversation went. It did not start off as a calm conversation, but we, the more we talk about our individual needs, not being that we figured out that if our needs aren't being met, we don't want to meet the other ones. Mean. There you go. And so we are both trying to make a more concerted effort in helping the other one get what they want and what they need. That is helpful. That is beautiful. Here's my, here's my mechanics question. How did y'all set that up? Did you tell him a list of needs that you have and he told you a list? Yes. Okay. I want to change that a little bit. Okay. Okay. Needs are very dynamic. What I mean by dynamic is they're different all the time. They're always moving. So I want you to come up with a regular morning practice where you ask each other, "How can I help meet your needs today? How can I love you best today?" Because some days you're gonna be like, "I want to do the dishes and not look at another human or talk." And he may walk in and do all the dishes. He's like, "I'll do all the dishes so you can have more time with the kids." And you're like, "I'm gonna go bury myself in the backyard." Right? So I want this needs conversation to be something y'all do every single day. And what you're going to find is just the intimacy of this conversation is going to be extraordinary. And you're gonna find that some days you have this need, some days you have that need, some days he has this needs, some days you have that need. You might just have a picture of, "He needs more sex." Okay? So you're just gonna have a picture of sex. A picture of sex. Well, he may want rambunctious, silly, "We just got like, can't wait to get home" sex. And then other days, he may want to just sit with you and have old, like connection, boring married sex. Like what? It's gonna be different every time. And so I want y'all to make this a practice. Is that fair? Yeah. Absolutely.
All right, I want you to say out loud, "I'm worthy of being a wife and I'm worthy of being a mom." I'm worthy of being a mom. And I want you to say out loud, "I am not worthless." I am not worthless. That story is not true. Say it. Is that hard to say? There it is. Yeah. So when you get up the courage to call a counselor, that's going to be where we start. My core story, my core message that I tell myself on a regular bit, it's encoded into my DNA, is that I'm worthless. And I've tried to achieve academically, and I've tried to achieve, I've fallen the rules, or I've tried to get people's attentions by drinking a lot, or I've tried to marry the perfect guy and had the perfect kids. And the underlying ticker tape story is over and over and over again, "You are worthless." What are you doing here? Just go. Just leave. And that story is a lie. The roots of that story that we feel, we begin to think through new things. And then we begin to practice new ways of doing life. And hey, let's be honest, if you get a house cleaner, tell your husband to vacuum. That may help too.