Transcription
Are there any you could talk to me about?
There's a lot that that somebody can use on a first date. Uh, even just the ones that we just we mentioned like 10 minutes ago. We were talking about a technique where I could describe a story vividly and get you to feel exactly what I'm describing. So, like if we, you and I, were on a date. I'm happily married, but let's just kind of like entertain this idea. And we're on a date and I was like, "Francesca, I just read this article a few days ago. And they said that there's three different ways. There's like three layers that people go through when they fall in love with another person. And they said the first one is..." And then I go through this vivid description of each one of these layers. And every once in a while when I say the word like "ideal," I might just very casually point at me.
Mhm.
And then when I say, when I say the words like "perfect connection," I might point back and forth between you and me during a lot of those things. So, uh, that. And that could be weaponized 10x, which I definitely don't want to put on here. I don't want it to be public. But that's an example of a method that could be used equally in a hostage negotiation or a crisis intervention for someone who is like OD'ing on drugs. And then like it could be weaponized in in like a dating scenario.
And there's very good news for all the women out there who just heard what you said and are like, "Oh, like what what's going to happen to me?" Um, the people who are doing this, you will get a gut feeling. So, when we talked about all those qualities of authority, uh, you will get a gut feeling that something's off.
Mhm.
And when it comes down to authority, like, does that person do the same off camera as they are right here? If, if you're talking to someone who's way different when they're off camera, when nobody's paying attention, you're going to feel that. Especially women, 'cause women have way more ability to do that than men do.
And I will give you one rule of thumb for everybody watching this, women and men. Um, if you have a conversation with somebody that feels just like effing awesome. Like, during the conversation, you feel like you're on cloud nine, everything's going great, you're like, "Wow, they know me so well. They, they understand me so well." And the moment that conversation is over, you feel bad.
Mhm.
That was a person weaponizing your dopamine and not your oxytocin, not your natural connection. So now you're experiencing a dopamine crash instead of an oxytocin flow, where it might flow down over time.
That is so interesting, and I never thought about it like that. You know, because usually with obsession, with romantic obsession, all these things, it's like dopamine that's at play, right? They're playing with your dopaminergic system, whereas in healthy connection, it's like the oxytocin is involved and some other chemicals that are more like long-term. So that's brilliant.
So, yeah, that's. And that's a good rule of thumb. I talked to my daughter, uh, while she was growing up, is just, just like, you don't need to buy. You, they have all these apps. You can spend a million dollars on some AI. You have way more advanced equipment built into your body. Like, modern science can't even make blood. We can't even make a blood cell. So, like, like, stop relying on tech. You have all the stuff that you need right here. Like, if I'm done with the conversation and I feel like crap, something's off.
So, I think, uh, we have a list of 20 things that we give to operatives. If you want to go through all of these. How much time do we have?
Uh, as much as you want.
Okay. So, we can go down this whole list. And these are the 20 things that kind of make you magnetic and make you in charge of a room. So, number one is hold eye contact calmly. So, it's never a staredown or some kind of threat-related gaze where I'm looking at somebody with a really serious face. So, it's no threat, relaxed gaze, and then smile when it fits. So, like, if I'm smiling, I can make eye contact way longer than if I had a neutral facial expression. Because human beings default to negative. A neutral facial expression plus eye contact, I'm thinking, if I assume that's a threat, I'm going to be safe. I'm, I'm more likely to be safe. So, we default to negative. So, remember, just calm, enjoyable eye contact, maybe smile if it makes sense. So, smiling makes eye contact more powerful and not less.
So, number two is speak and move deliberately. The number one thing that fear does to our bodies is it speeds up our movements. So, slow down your body. This is the number one thing you can do to start teaching your brain to relax. Slow your body down, move slower than other people in the room. Fast movements make you look anxious, slow movements mean that you're in charge.
And number three is never show stress. People trust people who look calm in stress and and in chaos. Even if you're feeling it inside, don't let it leak out. Because we don't follow the people. No human being follows the people with the best ideas or the, the nicest suit. We follow the people that are the most followable.
Mhm.
So, slow, clear behavior becomes the most followable, followable behavior.
And number four, pause before you respond. And I would say don't use this as a tactic. Pause before you speak and think about what the other person said. Don't use it as a tactic for, "I'm in charge of this other person. I'm going to best this other person." Uh, if you think about the world in terms of hierarchy and status, you are a loser. You're going to lose in almost every situation. Uh, so always everybody's equal. It's one level.
I love that.
Everybody's equal.
Such an important message.
Yeah. And I would say like, just one beat of silence. Just a beat or a few seconds of silence shows that you think instead of react to people. And it makes people really...
...interaction than the other person. And don't think about it in terms of hierarchy and status, but detachment is leverage every time. So if you're desperate for something, they're going to smell it.
And number six is dress like an authority. So, your clothes should signal some kind of respect for yourself, not some kind of teenage rebellion, uh, where you need to wear brands and stuff like that all over your body. You don't need to be expensive, you just need to be, uh, a lot more intentional about what you're doing.
Number seven is own the frame of the interaction. So, whoever defines what this interaction means is controlling the entire room. That doesn't mean I'm being domineering, it just means that I believe in what's going on more than they do, and my quiet and calm perspective is going to quietly win. No matter how much they object or resist, it's I don't, I don't exit my frame, ever. So, it's not that I'm, I'm getting them to adopt mine, it's about you not exiting yours. That's the biggest piece right there.
And next is use silence as a weapon. So, pausing makes people uncomfortable and they're typically going to reveal themselves to create a little closure in that gap. And I would say it using that without hierarchy and status is the best way to do that.
Number nine is smile less. Smile less. But freaking mean it when you do. Do it when you genuinely mean it instead of using a smile as a tactic or a tool to like, "I need to get someone to like me for some reason." That's performative and it should, it should make you feel fake. If it doesn't make you feel fake, then maybe there's some other work you got to do. So, genuine smiles feel magnetic to us.
So, next is ask more than you tell. So, good questions lead people better than a, a whole bunch of long sentences and speeches about yourself. So, curiosity is always a superpower.
Next is anchoring your body. This is planting your feet and owning, owning your space without ever seeing the world through hierarchy and status. I'm going to keep saying this. And just knowing that me being still is is stronger than me fidgeting. Fidgeting's not going to help me. Just being still is, is always should be my go-to.
Uh, next, I think we're on 12 here. Is never chase any kind of approval. The second that you try to please, you give up control. So, always prioritize respect over likability. And keep in mind that, let me just say one thing here, and maybe somebody listening needs to hear this. If you've shrunk yourself to make other people feel comfortable, or if you're carrying a whole bunch of shame, uh, and, and you think that that makes you a good person, you are delusional. And I, I say this out of pure love for you, whoever needs to hear this, that's, that's not real. That's completely fake. You're not making other people more comfortable by you getting less comfortable and shrinking your body. Uh, and it doesn't make you a good person to shrink. 'Cause good people don't do that. So, prioritize your respect.
Authority is human. Authority is composed of five factors. This is confidence, number one. And these are in order, the most important to least important. Confidence, discipline, leadership, not title, leadership, gratitude, and enjoyment. Gratitude is in there, and a lot of people don't expect that. Um, but this is our generalized positivity. Like, things are generally going to be okay and things are going to work out. So, that confidence is walking that line of those three things we talk about, safety, I'm not performing, everything's going to be okay. Discipline is very easy. Everybody talks about, you know, you'll see these like five-hour lectures on discipline and stuff. All discipline is, is can I prioritize my future self over right now? 'Cause if that was true, I wouldn't have a problem going to the gym. I wouldn't buy that stupid crap on Amazon at 11:00 at night when I'm scrolling through and binge purchasing things. I wouldn't eat that 15th piece of cheesecake because I'm prioritizing me tomorrow, me in a year from now. So, discipline is, can we prioritize our future self?
And then we have, leadership. This is, do we have certainty in our thought and action? And it doesn't have to be super fast, it doesn't have to be super, uh, informed about what's going on, and it doesn't even have to be competent. 'Cause you hear so many people say, "Well, I'm not really educated on this. How can, how are people going to follow me?" If you watch the movie Catch Me If You Can, uh, this is about a con man, and it's about a, uh, it's a true story about this guy named Frank Abagnale, and he doesn't know how to fly a plane at all. Uh, but he convinces everybody that he is the pilot, like he is a pilot. So, it's the certainty of self. It's not the certainty that he's a pilot, it's certainty of self.
Cuz if he sat behind the sticks and somebody said, "Oh, hey, you need to take over here." Uh, he would crash the plane most likely.
So, like, confidence and leadership do not have to correlate and connect somehow with competence. They do not have to connect. So, that's good news for most people. Uh, and then we have gratitude. And what we, what I mean by gratitude is gratitude with perspective. And can you feel gratitude without, you don't need to keep a, a little velvet journal from Amazon or any of these little like apps where you have to write down these little gratitude things every day, but can I feel gratitude from zoomed in and zoomed out on what's going on? 'Cause zoomed in on our life might mean I'm grateful for this family, and I'm grateful I saw the doctor yesterday and they gave me this medicine or whatever, but other gratitude might be zooming out on the state I live in or the country, or even zooming out even more to the solar system or something. And like, does my gratitude have perspective? A, can I feel it while I'm doing my regular thing every day? And B, does it have perspective? Those are the big things. Can I zoom out and in with gratitude? Uh, and that's also the problem with people, most people have with issues in their life and stress in their life is they're just zoomed in. They can't, A, change their camera angle horizontally, and B, vertically move the altitude of of the camera for whatever problem they think is stressing them out in their life.
And, and that that leads us to enjoyment. Which is the most magnetic human quality that there is, which helps us to exude a lot of that authority. And if you're enjoying the moment, it doesn't mean you're shooting off confetti cannons and, uh, in party mode 24 hours a day. It just means you're calmly enjoying the passing time. And that's maybe one of the secrets of life. And James Taylor said that, like, that's the secret of life is enjoying time as it's passing. No matter what's going on. Uh, so these are the five traits, uh, that decide whether or not the human brain on an animal level is going to say, "I need to trust that human being. I need to absolutely trust them."