Transcription
Um, but were you able, are you caught up already for another lesson?
Not really. I've been all around lately. Most of my time has been consumed with either relationship, gym, or um, or college. Mainly college, to be honest.
Oh, okay. Yeah, you're in school as well, too. Um, so I still got, I still do for me. I'll make sure I get you that because if I forget, it'll probably be like another three weeks till I remember again.
No, you're good. But all right. So, just where we left off, we could just make a note of that real quick.
All right. So, kind of where we left off at was um, talked about how uh John John continues just to hang out with Eddie. uh went to the movies, the beach, slept over or slept in bed apparently did not have any type of intercourse um and I think I mentioned the movies as well too um because that's the move that you wanted to see and didn't get to experience that opportunity with him. Dr. how you know feelings sometimes disregarded in regards to how when you talk about your feelings therapy and what you have going on is somewhat just kind of brushed off. Uh, and then yeah, and then we just talked about, you know, how could you use kind of like your your voice to kind of speak up in regards to how you feel about therapy, how you feel about the relationship, and then yeah, that's where we kind of left off at. So, it's been a week. How's the week been?
Um, things with John.
So Friday.
Yeah. Friday, John and I had a um, I got here Thursday. Friday my friends and I we were um, from friends from basic training. I haven't seen them in like almost three years now.
Oh wow.
They got station in Fort Sam, which is like 3 hours away from Fort Hood, but 1 hour away from Austin.
Oh, yeah.
So, we commuted at um, we planned this like two weeks ago, and we commuted to um, to Austin. So, they came to Austin, I came to Austin, we all hung out Friday. Um, to put some names on it, my friend's names are Gonzalez and Duran. They're both uh, they're both married. They're both lesbians. um, go by she she her pronouns um and I've known them since basic um apparently Duran is a struggling. Well, the plan was on Friday to utilize John Jones John's friend's pool, make some ceviche and I'll hang out and mix our in my mind, mix our friend groups and drink. So that was the plan. Um, and then afterwards go clubbing all together, have a dinner and all that. Um, so John Junk talked to their friend. They said, "Yeah, come use my pool." Um, so we all met at her place, at Maddiey's place, which is John's friend. Um,
Yeah.
What I didn't know, well, I knew the day before, but I didn't know following up to this, I didn't know that Duran was going sober and that she has, she struggles with alcohol.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
So, she's getting therapy and help for with that. And um, yeah, so the day before she told, she told me and I was like, "Oh, wow." Okay, got it. Um, are you okay to drink? I asked her if she was okay to be around people who drink alcohol. Is there any triggers like that? She said that she was fine. Gonzalez was going to drink. I was like, "Okay, cool." We made an alternative. So, we made cucumber watermelon tequila. We made her a cucumber watermelon with something tea. John John made it. Correction. And um, and I made ceviche handmade like out of from scratch. Um, so we all came over there, we all hung out and they weren't really mixing. My friend group wasn't mixing. It was John's friend group. No one was really talking to each other. It's kind of awkward. Jon John kept trying to lighten the mood up. Um, and by letting the moon I mean like talking to them, interacting with them, trying to like give them an open discussion kind of way.
Um, they even joked about like they joked about it because I knew they wouldn't give it to them. They were like, "Do you guys need anything? Do you guys need like a drink? Do you guys need some lemonade? Do you guys need cocaine?" Like joking. And uh, I guess it didn't take as a joke. and they felt pressured uh to drink. Duran didn't drink, but they felt uneasy about it. And they didn't say anything about it until the day was over, until the next day.
So, we go to the pool. We all hang out. We're all chilling. They still don't talk to Maddie. Gondal is Durant. Still don't talk to Maddie. Barely talk to John. John and uh, we leave the pool and we all go home to like dry off and wash off and all that. Um, so they do that and then John invites them to go eat Korean barbecue. They go over there. We go there and um, we eat. We don't really talk much. John John pays for everything and then they then we leave and then we then John we come here. Yeah. We come here u because we're ready to go to club. We get here. I drive Duran Gonzalez, myself and John John back to Jon John's home. Um, I go upstairs, freshen up a bit, get on my clubbing outfit or Yeah. Um, grab the things I need like my wallet, cologne, whatever I need. Um, drop off what I don't need, drop off Jon John, brush my teeth, and um, while I'm doing that, John's trying to talk to them to like start a conversation. He even started like a game, the 21 questions game. So like you ask 21 questions to this person, 21 questions to this person, and there they were supposed to ask Jon John 21 questions, but they didn't. And it was just obvious that John was the only one who was trying to talk to them, and they would barely give him an answer. So we go to the club. John doesn't come along because they have work the next day, which was Saturday. And um, we get to the club. We go to the first club. It was kind of boring. We go to the second club. Boring as well. The music was not there. The people were not it. And then we go to the club that I was iffy to go about to. Um, it's called Highland. It's
Say again.
Well, I was just saying I never heard of it. Oh, it's called like a. It's All the clubs we went to were gay, but this specific one is known for it's not known for the good things. Like the music is great. There's an upstairs, there's a middle ground outside, and then there's a downstairs. The downstairs is um, where interesting things happen. People usually go to Highland to find someone to hook up with or all that stuff. So, I called John John beforehand. I was like, "Hey, babe. The girls want to go to Highland. Are you okay with me going to Highland?" And they were like, "I'm literally asleep. You just woke me up." And I was like, "Sorry, babe." And they were like, "Go to Highland if you want. It's fine." And I was like, "Are you sure?" And they were like, "Yeah, just don't call me again. I'm trying to go to bed." I'm like, "Okay."
Okay. Yeah. I think you're going, I guess.
Okay. So, I asked for permission to make sure it was okay with them. Um, if not, we would have gone to some other club. I don't know. And there was like Sixth Street was right there. So, we could have gone to Sixth Street if we really wanted to, but like we want to stay around our community. But, um, so we go to Highland. Um, the music was better. The girls were showing me how to try and throw ass. not on someone but like just in general like on the in the air and that was so embarrassing but so much fun at the same time I did not succeed. Um, so that part um, what or what else? Oh yeah. And then came the part where we they just wanted to check out that downstairs. And I was like, "Okay." And so like I was just gonna stay upstairs and just, you know, do my own thing. And they're like, "You're not coming with us." And I was like, "Fine, fine, fine." Cuz in my mind I'm like, if they go down there by themselves, it's a bunch of guys and just two females, maybe a few females sprinkle in. I'm like, "Okay, fine. Just in case something does happen." So, I go downstairs and as soon as I walk in and I see the corner, I'm like, "Oh." And I was like, "Well, there's um that's what I was talking about." Like, I already turned away. I was like, "That's what I'm talking about." Looking at them and they're like and they're like, "No way." And I was like, "Mhm." So, yeah, they saw that. Uh, we were there for like maybe like 10 minutes because the music was good. And I was like, "It's too hot in here." Like, it's too it's too much. It's too I'm sweating too much. I like let's go upstairs. And they're like, "Okay." So, we go upstairs. We go to the uh patio and we're talking and then they were like, I don't know cuz I saw some guys who were really muscular and I was like, "Ah." I was like, "Okay, damn." They were shirtless. They're in underwear and boots. I was like, "Oh my gosh, control yourself. Control." I was like, and out loud I was like, "Control yourself, Carlos. Control yourself. You have a man. You're taken." And they're like, "But aren't you in an open relationship?" And I was like, "I am." And they're like, "Okay, so if John were to do this and like go up to someone and talk to them, you wouldn't say anything." I was like, "As long as it's not in front of me, no." And they're like, "Okay, so why are you not setting yourself to the same standards?" And I was like,
I'm like, "Well, we kind of talked about."
Yeah. And they were like, "It sounds like you are closing yourself off. You're the only one in the monogous relationship, but it's not the same the other way around." And I was like, "I guess." Yeah. And so I was like I got I got too much into my feelings. I was like, "I'm not trying to have a bad time." So I'm like, "You want a tequila shot?" I told Gonzalez, "Do you want a tequila shot?" And they were like, h I was like, I'm gonna get you a tequila shot and I'm gonna get a tequila shot and we'll take it together and I'll get you some water shots.
And so I got like three shots, one of water, one of two of tequila. And we all took them. But when I came back, they were talking to um, this one gentleman. Um, he was very insistent, very flirtatious, and I was very drunk and, um, he was flirting with me, and I wasn't flirting back, but I was entertaining it, I will admit. Um, he was trying to get me to go back to his place, do all these kinds of things. And I was like, "I'm sorry, but I have a man back home and they're waiting for me and I really want to go cuddle with them." And then they were like, "Why not? Why don't you want to come with me? We can have fun. You can still go back to your man afterwards." I'm like, "I'm just not feeling it right now." And I was like, "You know what? Here's what we can do. I'll give you my social, aka my Grinder account, like profile,
And if I'm ever, you know, interested or if you know, anything, I can always hit you up or you can hit me up and we can see what happens. And so I gave them my information, my Grinder account information. And um, and yeah, and they were like, "You better text me tonight." And I was like, "Sure." did not text him back cuz I wasn't interested in anything. I just wanted to go back home to my boyfriend. So once we left, we left. I made sure they got an Uber. They got home. I took an Uber um on my Uber. I met this one guy cuz it was an Uber share. And I was like, "Were you clubbing?" And he was like, "No, I don't club." And I was like, "Oh, how come?" And he's like, "I have a girlfriend." I was like, "Okay, so why don't you club?" He's like, "I'm too much of a for that." I was like, I was like, h I don't know. It just kind of spoke to me. And um, this is where I up. I came back home drunk. I saw my boyfriend sleeping, uncomfortable.
When you came back home, we went to John's place.
Say again.
To John's place.
Yeah. Back to Jonathan's place.
Okay. Cuz you said I came home also. You went back to their barracks. No, you came back to John's place.
Yes, I came back to John's place. They were sleeping. We were planning on doing stuff once I came back. But I came back and I was kind of like I knew they were awake. So, I started talking about everything we did. I started talking about where we went, how it was like, and I told them that like one guy, one guy was flirting with me and giving them details that they didn't ask for. And they got mad because of when I came home, I started talking about some other guy instead of, you know, actually being with them. And like we were planning on doing intercourse, all that, but because I came home, talking about that one guy, he was they were really pissed. Not only that, but their friends, my friends also initiated me, you know, flirting with someone else, which kind of like shows John, hey, they don't like me. And rightfully so, because afterwards, like the next day, they told me all about it. They were just mad at John for offering them cocaine, for pressing to drink, and for making me feel uncomfortable because I don't feel like I can be open safely. And um, and Jon John felt offended because they didn't thank Jon John for like, you know, asking their friend. They didn't thank their friend Maddie. They didn't thank John for paying for their meals, for paying for the alcohol. They didn't they didn't thank Jon for anything. They didn't thank Maddie for anything. And they barely thanked me for anything. So they were very but hurt about that. But I thank John John and I did thank Maddie, but they didn't do anything. They just complained. And um, and that was Saturday. I mean, Friday. Friday.
All right. All right.
And then.
And then yesterday, you're going to be surprised. I met Eddie.
Oh, wow. How did that How did that go?
Um, it I wasn't planning on meeting Eddie. Um, we were going to go to Hippie Hollow and just sunbathe. As you can probably tell, I got like burnt.
Yeah. I was going to say it look a lot darker.
Yeah.
Even out of the sun.
Yeah.
So, we went to Hippie, but um Eddie, as soon as we woke up, we were going to get ready. And Eddie was like, "Do you want to come to Hippie?" to John. And John was like, "Do you want to meet Eddie?" And yeah. Wait. Okay.
Mhm.
So, I got it. All right. Never mind. I was thinking that Eddie was already there, but uh John John contacted Eddie was like, "Hey, you want to meet up there?"
Yeah. No, Eddie contacted John um to see if they wanted to hang out. And then, uh John John invited me to meet Eddie. And I was like, "You know what? Let's do it. Let's see. I need that exposure. Let's see how that works. Let's see how that happens. Um, worst case scenario, we get into a fight. Best case scenario, my anxiety and insecurities get, you know, Yeah. like extinguished or the flames go down a little bit. Um,
So I met the guy.
How'd that go?
I hate to say it, but it went really well.
Well, okay.
It went stupid well. It was I was so ready to like fight.
All right. Um, now you said it went well. Like what do you define it it went well by? Like how would you score it as a well? Like what made it well?
So we got I'd say it was like an eight out of 10, but reason I say it's an eight out of 10 or nine out of 10. Maybe a 10 out of 10 to be honest. Um, when we got there, the first time I saw him, like he was like maybe a mile away on a rock waving his hands and I was like, "Is that Eddie?" And John was like, "Where?" And I'm like, "That guy right there." And he's like, "Where?" And I'm like, "Oh yeah, you're blind. I forgot." And I was like, "That goofball over there waving at someone. Is he waving at us?" And uh, so we get there and um, yeah, it was him and by that time we were all three of us were naked.
Oh wow.
Mhm.
Well, it is hollow.
Yeah. So yeah, nude nude beach. Um, we were on the gay side. John John didn't feel comfortable on the gay side. So we went farther away from the gay side to where we normally are, which was so much better because I did not.
So the far end side, so there's like the straight side, gay side, and what's the the far end side? Is that just like a mixture of people?
So it would be like straight side, all people, gays, and all people, and then gay side.
Oh, okay.
Mhm.
Got it.
So yeah. So, um, so we detached from Eddie from Eddie and we went on our own area to like the gayer, straighter side, close to the gay side, not too far from it though. Um, and we were just chilling and then Eddie came over eventually. And um, and yeah, no, I got to talk to the guy. We talked about Yu-Gi-Oh. We talked about Pokemon. And then yeah, Jon John did ask me that if I meet Eddie that I don't start a fight. And then I don't bring up the fact that they did make they tried to ask John to choose between them and me. And I said, "Okay, I'm not going to bring that up." Okay. And um, at some point I remember I went up on a rocks because I cut my finger. Um,
Hopefully doesn't look too bad. Just looks like for mine it just looks like a paper cut.
Is it pretty deep?
Yeah, it was pretty deep. It was bleeding a lot, but it's all right. It It's better now. But um Eddie brought bandages, so he went upstairs. He went up to the rocks with me and we were just talking and I was like I just I was very blunt. And I was like, I hate to say this, but I really like you as a person. You're a very chill person. And he was like, oh, thanks. And we just, you know, started talking. And I was like, you know, I was very insecure and very jealous about you because of your history with John, but now that I see you, you're chill. You're a good guy. I was like, and I hope you can like respect our relationship. And, you know, I hope that we can still be in both our lives as in John and mine. Yeah.
You know, and he was like,
And he was like, I'd love that. I'd appreciate that. He said he'd appreciate it and he'd love that and that he hopes like, you know, that everyone we can all be friends. And I was like, Sam. So, and then we started talking about um, then we started talking about who was it? His situationship boyfriend.
Okay.
Oh, lord. Um,
So. Oh, so Eddie's dating.
Yes, it's complicated for him.
Okay.
Yeah, it's very complicated for him. Um, he's um, he claims the title of boyfriend, but the title of boyfriend was never given to him.
Okay.
Mhm.
Like it's being led on.
Is what it looks like. It feel I feel like that's what John sees. That's what I'm seeing. And I'm just like, poor guy. He doesn't see it.
Yeah.
But it's unfortunate um that it sounds like Eddie is also going through his own issues as well too. Um, now knowing all this about Eddie and his situation and now you had a situ some concerns about Eddie as well. How do you see the relationship now between Eddie and John? John John knowing that you've met him in person or um, do you feel as insecure or well if you feel so insecure about any John John now how do you think that changes your perspective of the situation?
Don't get me wrong, am I still a little insecure and a little jealous? Yes. I fear that there might always be some of that. But I feel a lot safer now that I've met them with John John. Am I still going to feel some type of way? Of course. I mean, that's their ex exartner, exual partner. Any normal guy would feel like that, but it's not as bad. anymore. And I'm sure that once I see him again and hang out with him more and more, I'll get more comfortable with him being around. But um, one thing that John did get pissed about was they thought we were um, we were like arguing. So they came up to the rocks and started yelling at me, saying like, "I didn't want you to confront Eddie. I didn't want you to, you know, be harsh with him or say anything." And I was like, it was like we weren't I wasn't confronting. I wasn't making them feel uncomfortable. I wasn't being rude. We were just having a heartto-he heart. We were talking about Gavin. And I guess they didn't believe me.
Ah, okay.
Yeah. So,
And they didn't.
Pretty.
And they didn't believe me because every time I talked to Eddie, it was always about it always it's always comes back to like that topic of them making them choose between myself and them and that I didn't like Eddie. Eddie made me insecure. Nothing good. So, they really thought I was going to confront them even though they asked me not to. So, it sounds like you obliged by his request, but sounds like he didn't believe you.
Like, do I feel like there was some type of confrontation?
Yeah.
Perhaps. Was it? It was a confronta. It was Yes. I felt uncomfortable and I needed to address it to feel comfortable and I needed to address the tension because there was tension. I feel like there was tension and I just wanted to address it and let it be known that like we're okay now. And I did and that's when we started talking about Gavin and things were getting like better and then John came in and kind of made it a little awkward and I talked to them about that.
Say again. You said you did talk to them about that.
I talked to John John about that. I talked to them about how they were making they made me feel a little embarrassed because they were yelling at me in public. There was like one guy behind us. Eddie was right there. Another guy was down there. And there was another guy next to the rocks who was also hearing everything. And like he kind of just put me on blast in public.
And then.
They apologized.
Go ahead.
Yeah. I mean, being put on glass is uh especially in public setting that is very embarrassing. Um, have you ever seen that side of John John just being that kind of irritated or upset at you because of what he has told you not to say or something that you've done that he didn't like? Yeah. Is that your first time?
No, that's not my first time. That's.
Honestly the day before that. Saturday after Yeah. After I picked them up, went to get some food and um, I tried talking about my friends and what was pissing them off and we talked about it. But one thing that I noticed is that we were having such a good time and I do this often. We're having a good time. It's relaxing. And then I bring like a hard, deep, controversial topic to the table and ruin the moment.
Okay. What was the hard uh uncomfortable conversation that you brought up?
That I brought up? I brought up my friends, Duran and Gonzalez. And they were really and you know why they were mad at me, what was wrong, why are you upset? And it just really blew up from there. And they said, "Wh do you always do this? Why do you always talk about these kind of things? Why do you always want to be talking about deep conversations when we're having a nice time? Why can't you just enjoy the moment now and not think about, you know, that?" And he said, "Maybe that's something you should talk to your therapist about." And I have realized that I crave those hard, deep conversations. But I mean, I get it. I only reason I'm laughing is because I can only imagine the kind of deep intimate conversations that you should have with like your partner about certain things, right? Like would you have those with like your therapist? Because there there's boundaries on things, right? So I could imagine like you like the same questions as you're laying your head on your pillow and looking at your your boyfriend like intimately intimately in his eyes about certain questions. I don't think that would work in the therapeutic relationship. Like so it's like where else am I supposed to go to still get these these needs met? You know, like therapy is only one hour in a professional setting with you and I talking, but like after you hang up, like I can only imagine that you would want to go to a different boundary with like your partner.
I just want to.
Totally.
Everyone's always told me I'm bad at communication. I'm bad at expressing myself. I'm bad at, you know, listening. Overall, I'm just bad at communicating and I've heard that multiple times and I understand and this is my way of trying to work on it. I crave that deep conversation that that deep uncomfortable conversation so much because if I have that at least I know what I need to work on. I know what's wrong. I know what could be possibly done about it. I know what Jon John wants right now and maybe I can't provide it right now, but that is something that's in the back of my mind. They want to have more date nights. Okay. Once their birthday passes and once Yeah. Once their birthday passes, I have some time. I can make some date date night plans. They want to, you know, feel more connected. Okay, we can do that. We've, for example, our sex life. There was one time where they wanted to make love and not just have sex. Okay, I wasn't able to complete that cuz they didn't feel like I was making love. They felt like I was just having sex. I I took it for like the week. I thought about it and and yesterday I was like the way I show love is through foreplay. Words, hugs, kisses. That's my way of showing love. And they were like, "That's sex." I'm like, "That's not sex." Because I don't do foreplay with just anyone. Normally when I hook up is to slip it in, slip it out, go. That's sex.
And I get it. Sometimes we just want sex and and with us. Cool. But when you want to make love, that's how I make love. I foreplay. I hold your hand. I call you good names. I say sweet nothings into your ears. I I kiss you. All those things. That's how I show love. And they didn't they weren't really allowing me time to do that. So yeah, and so we talked about that. And uh, yeah, sex um recently has been a lot more fun. But if we never talked about that, how would I ever know, you know, to fix that? How would I be able to let them know like how I show love? Because we had that uncomfortable conversation because we argued about that. I was able to see what was wrong, see what I was doing on my part or what I wasn't doing or was trying to do but wasn't allowed to. And I was able to communicate that.
We argued about my friends and we argued about, you know, me going to the club and someone hitting on me. They weren't mad that the fact that they someone was hitting on me. They weren't mad about that I was like allowing it. They were mad that I brought it back to them. when it was supposed to be an moment between us.
And I understand that because if they did the same thing to me, I'd be pissed. Sorry. Continue.
No, no, no. I was um I was doing some just reflecting as you're you're talking. But um I'll pin that that what I was thinking about there to go back to the whole sex thing now or the topic of of sex. So you were saying that like once you brought this up about how you are you are you show intimacy differently through like foreplay.
Um, and this is just that's your style now. What happened? What was his response after you explained that's just your style? Um, now did was your your style and way of communicating was that incorporated because you said it sex or that when you said that I could have imagined you said something in regards to it got it got better after that. So, were you able to kind of express your your your sexual desires and your needs be met? Is that what I'm hearing?
Yeah, in a way. Um,
It wasn't just like like normally it's been like just slid it in and finish and carry on. It's been It was more of a like actual intimate moment where like we got to like explore each other's body and actually talk and have a good time. It was actually really fun because they listened to what I what I said.
Oh, okay. Gotcha. Gotcha. Now, um, which is good. Uh, I'm glad I'm happy that you guys well you got to experience that like your voices heard um for once and like some of your your desires and ways of showing intimacy were actually regarded as in the past it seems like some of the things have been disregarded recently.
Mhm.
Um, but then you also made a a point about talking about other guys. Uh, I was sure if you guys were like about to become intimate, but I think it but in the past you just brought up that he has brought up multiple men or sexual encounters in front of you and it sounds like you simply brought up that a guy flirted with you and he was uncomfortable with that.
Yes, because it was I believe it was a time and place. Um, the time was super night. It was like 2:00 in the morning in their home and we were planning on having sex that night.
So, say again.
I said, "Okay." And I was just thinking so like when he tells you stories about like you know the guys that are people that he had sex with in the past um is there ever a right time um for him to bring up these things or is it just randomly like hey damn I want to like you said he says it like multiple times throughout the day or throughout the week. It's usually when we're having conversations and it revolves anywhere close to anything sexual, dates, sexual dates, parks, events.
Okay. So, that means there's really no type of like filter per se to when he'll talk about the sexual encounters. They're just like you could be talking about like the most randomest thing and you'd be like, "Oh, well, I did this." Bam. So,
Or I went on a date with this person or I went on date with this random person here where we're about to go and I'm like,
"Yeah, I mean, the shoe was on the other foot." What I hear is that he doesn't sound as he doesn't sound comfortable when the shoe's on the other foot. Maybe that is something I I noticed, but I might it might again it might have just been time and place and I'm not really like trying to test it actively. But of course, it seems like when there is a time and place, it sounds like you could potentially be yelled at or you're feeling disregarded. um if you do bring it up.
Mhm.
No matter what. Um, because like you said, he's yelled at you in the past before and then uh he yelled at you because he spoke with Eddie and somebody didn't trust you that he wouldn't bring it up and he yelled at you in public. So I mean I think that's something to consider even um and then yourself is that why is it okay for him to uh explain about sexual past experiences and dates randomly? Um, and why can't I do the same thing as hell? Because I can only imagine there's probably some instances to like um, you know obviously uh John Junk wasn't your first partner. I could imagine.
Mhm.
Um, I could imagine having at 23 like any 22 year olds I bet you probably had some u encounters that are just flames you know.
Mhm. Uh, and I think it's sometimes healthy depending on how the the relation dynamic sped up set are set up especially if it's an open relationship that these kinds of conversations generally happen but if only like one person is allowed to do it where does that leave me.
On lines.
Where What's that?
On the sidelines just watching.
Like literally. But like um how do you think that how do you think that's going to work in the long run if like you have to kind of subdue your yourself and your stories? Not good. Because it'll just be a whole Eddie and Patrick situation all over again. I'll get insecure. I'll get jealous. And then who knows, maybe I'll try and lash out and date and mess around with all these other guys just to get revenge. Then that's only going to end up horribly and it's just going to fall down.
Yeah, I could potentially see that. But I I also think in terms of just mental healthwise, I mean, or just in a relationship status, I I think if I if I have a a partner and like I have to be cautious of what I say to them, um, like what's to the point of considering this person like a a best friend or a good friend if I can't talk about um certain things in my past? But even if it's I mean obviously no one really wants to hear about their partner sexual escapades sometimes. Um, but you know, just life experiences like I I should I should feel comfortable enough to talk to my partner about life experiences that I've had um without having to question if I say whatever I want to say or feel comfortable sharing, is it going to be scrutinized or do I have to fabricate a story and skip out on like the meat and the potatoes uh in order for him not to get mad.
No, I don't. I even I'm going to be I kind of swore to myself that I wasn't going to lie to John John anymore.
What have you lied about in the past?
Um, no more white li No more like holding back the truth. No more no lies. No, I can't think of something, but I'm sure I have. I have a problem with lies. Um, no more nothing. Just honesty. No holding things back.
So if someone does flirt with me, okay? No more hiding the Grinder app. No more hiding nothing. None of that. Even though they know I have Grinder, no more hiding. I told myself that. No more hiding. No more hiding my emotion. No hiding emotions. No bottling things up. If it's uncomfortable, it's uncomfortable. If it implodes a relationship, it implodes a relationship.
All right. Well then, um, that means that's the case that you should be able to talk freely about your encounters without being judged. and I will be and if I get judged then we talk about it and we un we try to understand like why it hurts or why it's uncomfortable.
Like we did with um when when I came back from the club I mistook that as them being uncomfortable with me doing all these things. Nope. It was actually just they were uncomfortable because bad timing, bad place, not the right spot, not the right places to talk about this. And now I know not to do that ever again if I'm with them in like a personal setting like that. Maybe if we're eating dinner or maybe if we're like, you know, talking about sex or whatever or if they ask.
How about I think another important thing is like friendships. So where does that leave you now with your friends that you have or met? Is it now you know are you not allowed to hang out with them because they may not care for John John or you know feels that maybe they were disrespectful and unappreciative or like where does that leave you now for your friends?
I feel like I need to talk to them.
So they know how Jon John felt. I need to clear out the room. I feel like I need to clear out the room because they took some a joke as very heavy and very literal. I already talked to Jon John. Jon John did all they could. They tried to make him feel welcomed. They they really did. And I feel like Durant and Gonzalez just weren't trying the same way Jon was trying.
Now, in your opinion though, um, like why do you think that your friends didn't take to John John? Well, uh, it doesn't doesn't appear that you may have like, you know, the way that we talk about, you know, some of the concerns your relationship. I don't suspect that he brought those up to your friends or.
Oh, you did.
Not a um got like two minutes. We got two minutes left and I now I'm starting to understand. You painted the picture for me at the last moment.
My bad. That's why we That's why we're going to have two therapy sessions a week from now on. So that way I can tell you everything that happened this week and then next one we can really get into meat and potatoes.
Ah, okay. So you left that part out. So you explain to them about some of the things that we talk about. And it seems to appear that your friends were just more so.
I wouldn't say all the things.
I was just I explained to them like like they said the open relationship part. That's kind of the only thing I explained that was negative.
Oh, okay.
Mhm. That's kind of that was kind of it. And that's kind of the impression they got of Jonjun from that. So, and I guess me calling John to ask for permission to go to Highland, I guess they saw that as bad, too. So,
Ah, okay.
Which is all right.
Which is why I need to talk to them and be like, "What's up? What happened? Why don't you like John John? Or do you have a problem with Jon John? Is there something wrong?" Like, I need to get the full story from their point of view cuz I got John John's point of view. And I don't want to pass judgment on anyone, nor do I think I'm going to pass judgment, but I will inform them on how each other felt.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I think that's that's important.
I love them both.
As well, too.
Like I said, I love them both and John already has trauma with their ex's friends not liking them and then their ex picks their friends over them. But I already told John, "Hey baby, I love you. I want to marry you and I want you to be my husband. That being said, once you're my husband, even in the Bible, it says that once you get married, that person is now your main priority, your main family. So once we get married, you will be my priority. Not my friends, not my biological family, not my mother, not my father, not my sisters. You and whatever family we make will be our my main priority. you will always come first. And then when we have a kid, you will come second because it goes my child, my spouse, myself, my biological family, and then my friends. That's how it goes."
So, it sounds like you have some concrete rules or expectations for when you do get married.
Of course. Right now, since they're my boyfriend, they come second to my family. Yeah.
So, it it'd be myself, my family, then my boyfriend.
Oh, okay. I got it. I'm glad you because you said my family is priority. But I'm glad I was just about to say I'll help yourself and your mental health. And that's why you were like, "Oh, self." And then you started.
Of course, cuz if I'm not good, I can't help anyone.
I'm glad you started to recognize that now.
I am now. Yeah.
It's 3:30. I was going to say that's your next appointment schedule. But obviously our next appointment is going to be on the 25th, correct? On a Thursday.
Yep. Uh, I know you probably get the reminder, but I just want to make sure that when is what is today's date? The 22nd. Yeah. And then next point we can actually get into all the meat and potatoes and maybe I'll even be able to talk about what I talked with is Durant and Gordon Gonzalez.
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's important too because now it's starting to I better understand like why are they why are they so far and dist.
Yeah.
All right. So, I will see you at 1:30 on Thursday and uh, we'll just continue just to unpack.
Sounds good.
All right. Take care and have a good rest of your day.
You too, sir. Stay safe.
June 2nd, 2022. Time ended 3:31.