Transcription
Hey SOA, hey. So what's about to happen is, um, a song is about to play. But that song is not the original song because we did not have the budget to afford the right to it. So what you're going to hear is a perfectly legal sound-alike to Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like a Woman." Is that okay? Thank you so much. And I cannot reiterate enough, just how legal the sound-alike is. Please welcome to to the stage, it's Olga.
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Go up.
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Fales.
Wo.
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On September 11th, 2021, my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. And that 9/11 was my Vietnam. He broke up with me mere days after my 29th birthday. As it was happening, I was like, "I'm sorry, am I in the opening sequence of every movie ever? If I look into a mirror, will I see Julia Roberts?" And I don't want anyone to feel bad for me because I got broken up with. I want everybody to feel bad for me because I got broken up with by a self-proclaimed Disney adult. Do we know what a Disney adult is? It's an adult person who enjoys the works of Walt Disney. It does what it says on the tin. What I don't enjoy about Disney adults is that Disney adults appropriate virgin culture without doing the work of not having sex. That's not fair. You don't get both.
And some of you are like, "Olga, what's it like to long-term date a Disney adult?" Well, it's when you're performing oral sex at the Toy Story hotel at Disneyland Paris, making direct eye contact with Woody on the wallpaper, and you think to yourself, "This is exactly what I had in mind when you said you were whisking me away to Paris." Because London, if we know anything, is that real men like Looney Tunes. If you can appreciate the curves of Jessica Rabbit's body, your balls have dropped. I don't know if you know this, but Elmer Fudd was actually one of the founding members of the NWO. This is true. You can Google this. Because Looney Tunes teaches you real-life skills, like when there's a gun pointed to your head, you tie it in a knot like a real man.
But the thing you need to know about me is that whenever I go through a breakup, I never get sad. Whenever I'm single, I never get sad. If someone breaks up with me, I never get sad. If someone breaks up with me, if anything, I get more delusionally confident. Do you get this? Like, to give you an idea, a couple of months ago, I was writing this guy's dick legend. And as I was doing it, I looked him directly in the eye and without a shred of irony said, "I'm going to make you believe in God." That's the last time I [bleep] Ricky. Your base, am I right? Come on, we're having fun. I could only come if he did Brent. No, he could only come if he did Brent.
And look, it's difficult for me to be the comedian that [bleep]. Okay, that is my plight. Um, I know what you want for me. You want me to be a jester. You want me to be a clown. You want to point at me and feel better about your own lives. You want me to be pathetic, right? So I can't really come out here and be like, "I have a lot of sex." I have to, like, I have to package it in a sad way. I have to be like, "I have a UTI." But how do you think I got it?
And the reason I never get sad after I get broken up with, and I never get sad when I'm single, is because I came of age at a very specific time in history. I came of age in the late '90s, early 2000s, at the peak of hoe culture. I was raised by women like Samantha Jones from Sex in the City, like Nessa from Gavin and Stacey. When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up to become Stifler's Mom. And that is why I never get sad when I'm single. When I'm single, I fly my hoe culture flag high.
And some of you may be uncomfortable with the term "hoe." I totally get it. I used to be uncomfortable with it as well. But then the last two years, I started referring to myself as a hoe. And I thought, "What changed?" And I think it's because in the last two years, I've stopped deriving so much of my self-esteem from sex and romance and started deriving more of my self-esteem from professional achievements and work. And that's when I realized, "Capitalism, you old dirty bastard, you've done it again." I just have a new daddy to please. I just want Adam Smith's invisible hand to pat me on the [bleep]. I could do other stuff too. God, I love hoe culture. I love hoe culture.
Hoe culture to me is the antithesis to traditional femininity. Hoe culture is a toxic femininity. It's fun. It's flirty. Hoe culture is a self-aware narcissism. Hoe culture is breaking the fourth wall to say, "Am I really about to suck this guy's dick? What am I even like?" I love the women of hoe culture. I love Shania Twain singing, "The best part about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little fun." I love Liz Ail. All the Canadian yodelers. You have copyright to that. Uh, it's not necessarily good women either. Nadine Dorries is hoe culture. Brit Marcon is hoe culture.
Do you know Brigitte Macron? First lady of France. She's married to Emmanuel Macron, the president of France. They met in a classic meet-cute. He was 16 and in school, and she was his teacher, 24 years older than him. And every time I think of Brigitte Macron, which is daily, 99% of me is like, "Oh my God, she's a pedo. She's a groomer. She should be in jail. What a nonce. What a nonce. What a nonce, nonce, nonce." But then 1% of me does inevitably always go, "This is herstory." Just the 1%.
And hoe culture isn't just sex, right? Hoe culture is a way to live life. Um, it's to say, "Shots on me," and then forgetting your debit card. Hoe culture. What a fun feather boa. Does it come in lime green? Hoe culture. Not bringing any camping equipment to a camping trip you organized. Hoe culture. "What's your name, sir?" "Ben." "Ben? That's hoe culture." Wearing a cowboy hat indoors. Thank you very, very much. Automatically connecting to the Wi-Fi at the BrewDog. That's hoe culture, baby.
And usually, when I need to have my sexual needs met after a breakup, I contact a certain someone called Sebastian. Sebastian is a bad signal to all of my friends that I'm single and I'm out on the prowl. And the reason I contact Sebastian is because Sebastian meets most of my sexual needs. But I know for a fact that I will never fall in love with Sebastian because the very first time we had sex, Sebastian brought a guitar. There's no risk of me falling in love with anyone who once posted a picture of Elvis Presley on his Instagram feed with a caption, "Rest in peace, King." But I knew for a fact that I would never ever develop feelings for Sebastian when I realized that he was the type of person to regurgitate facts and anecdotes you told him as brand new information. You know exactly what I'm talking about. He'd be like, "I had diarrhea at the Red Hot Chili Peppers show." "That was me. I told you that." He'd be like, "Did you know that this is where the [bleep] is?" "I told you that."
But this time around, after this breakup, Sebastian wasn't going to do the trick because after this breakup, I had a very specific goal in mind. And Sebastian is quite sexually conservative. He's a little bit sexually repressed. And my goal was quite adventurous. What I wanted to do was something I'd never done before. What I wanted to do after this breakup was to have a threesome. Shock. Everyone's like, "Olga, you're so confident. You look like you've forgotten how to have sex with fewer than four people." I know, I know. I'm aware of the vibe that I give off. Honestly, it would be so unoriginal for me to have a threesome. But the main reason I wanted to have a threesome was because I just wanted to see if I could. Like, no one tells you when you're younger how much sex stuff you do not because you want to do it, but because you want to have done it. Like, you've had a 69 to, like, tick the box, not for the pleasure of anyone involved, right?
I mean, a few years ago, I got obsessed with, um, having sex with a rockstar. I was like, "I want to [bleep] a rockstar. I want to [bleep] a rockstar." And then I had diarrhea at the Red Hot Chili Peppers show. "No, I want to [bleep] a rockstar." If I have a daughter one day, I want to sit her down and I want to tell her about all the rock stars I [bleep]. Is this relatable?
Um, and so, um, and so I approached it in a very organized way. I found like a medium-sized band. They were called The Orwells. You don't need to know anything about The Orwells. All you need to know about The Orwells is that they're sort of, um, intellectual enough to call themselves after a literary author, but strategic enough to have that author be on the GCSE curriculum. So I showed up to the concert. I stood in the back. I sipped on my G&T. I plotted. I schemed. I stayed after the show. I started chatting to the band. I focused on the drummer, lowest self-esteem. I brought him home. The second we walked into my house, I was like, "You can go now." He was like, "What?" I was like, "I wanted to see if I could [bleep] you. I don't actually want to [bleep] you." He was like, "What?" I was like, "Oh, sex with you would probably be terrible. Please leave." And he wasn't too happy about it. But if you feel bad for him, don't. Two weeks later, the entire band got me toed. So what I was doing was technically activism. Thank you very, very much.
So I was thinking as to why I'd never had a threesome before. And I think it's because most formations of threesomes make me feel very uncomfortable. Like, I don't think the division of labor is fair. And I'm very sensitive to unfairness, okay? I don't know if you get this, but like, if I see a pregnant woman and a man out and about, I get angry. I get really angry because I don't think it's fair for a woman to be less [bleep] for nine months, okay? I'm not saying I wouldn't [bleep] a pregnant chick. I'm just saying, surely it's harder to get laid when you're pregnant. Like, if you saw a pregnant woman at a bar, you'd be like, "Hey, should you be here?" So I've never had a threesome, apart from the time that I [bleep] that pregnant chick. You'll get there.
So let's go through every formation of a threesome and talk about why they don't work for me, okay? Uh, first, me and two straight men. Absolutely not. No, that's too much work for me. Also, straight men, one-on-one, there are some good eggs. Straight men in a group, that's how we get Imagine Dragons. Me and two women, that's not a threesome, that's a book club, honey. Oh, go. What about non-binary people? What about gender fluid people? To me, they are superior human beings. With them, there are no rules. They can pass me around like Pete Davidson. Okay, go.
What about a man and a woman? Um, I'm sorry, there's not a man on the surface of this [bleep] planet that deserves to watch me [bleep] a chick. That's a treat. That's a prize I cannot give. I cannot think of any man that deserves the satisfaction of watching me make love to a woman. No man deserves that prize. Maybe Captain [Laughter] Tom. After you've done as much as he had for this country, maybe, maybe you can watch me kiss a lady. I did this joke to complete silence in Brussels. Boom. After which I realized that I had to explain the concept of Captain Tom to a room full of unassuming Europeans. And let me tell you, there's no story that gets less and less believable the longer you tell it. I was stuck there on stage sounding like an American drug commercial. Okay? I was like, "Captain Tom was a war veteran who was walking around in circles in his backyard. He was raising money to treat COVID-19." When the Tory government found out that he was raising money to treat COVID-19, they decided to give him the job of single-handedly curing COVID-19. No offense to Captain Tom, he did a terrible job. And to thank him for everything he's done for COVID-19, British Airways decided to give him COVID-19 by sending him to the Caribbean. After which he tragically passed. But he died safe in the knowledge that his daughter Hannah stole £600,000 from him. And I'm calling it now, two years from now, HBO will get the writers of Chernobyl to do like a Lady Macbeth-esque retelling of Hannah, Captain Tom's daughter. It's the beginning of the pandemic. Hannah's husband loses his job. Hannah has a bright idea. She puts a tripod in front of her father who's walking around in circles and has no idea what's going on. And at first, they make a little bit of money, just to cover the mortgage, maybe some groceries. Hannah's husband's like, "Babe, that's elder abuse." She's like, "Who else is going to pay the mortgage, Chris?" They make more money. They have to start a foundation, hire an accountant. Hannah's getting sloppy. Hannah's buying shoes. British Airways flies them out to the Caribbean. By this point, Hannah's too far gone. She's sipping on piña coladas by the pool. She has Captain Tom on the next season of The Masked Singer. They fly back. Captain Tom tragically passes, played beautifully by Eddie Redmayne. The death doesn't stop Hannah. She calls the Abba hologram people. And if you think I've gone too far, I think we can all collectively agree that Rosamund Pike is going to look beautiful at the Golden Globes.
So what I'm trying to say is, British Airways killed Captain Tom. So now I can't have a threesome. And there's only one threesome that would work for me. It is a very rare threesome to come by. It is the Holy Grail of threesomes. And that threesome is me and two bisexual men. Because that's a triangle where everybody can entertain everybody. Nobody is texting in the corner. Any bisexual men in statistically unlikely? Any open-minded straights? Any conservative gays? Look, I urge everyone to reconsider. I think bisexual men are superior to straight men in every single way. For example, bisexual men can take a nude, okay? Because bisexual men aren't terrified of objectifying themselves a little bit, right? Like, any straight man nude I've ever received has always just been a very tightly cropped medical image of their dick. That's like, it's purple. Any straight man nude I've ever received can be captioned with the words, "Is this [Laughter] normal? Should I see a doctor?" Because straight men are so terrified of being gay, the second they see a penis on their phone, even their own, they're like, "No," and they throw the phone across the room. A bi guy isn't afraid of his own body. Maybe he'll get a thigh. If you're lucky, he'll be like, "Oh, it's attached to something." So you'll realize how lucky I felt.
Mere seven days later, on September 18th, 2021, when I found myself on tour in the city of Bristol at a nightclub called OMG with two people. The first was a man called Leo. Leo and I have met many times before. Leo's a stand-up comedian. Real name, Google him. I don't give a [bleep]. Leo is bisexual, and Leo was single at the time. The other person on that dance floor was a man called Sam. Leo and I met Sam that night. Sam was also a stand-up comedian, also bisexual, and also single at the time. And unbeknownst to these two gentlemen, mama was going to have a threesome that night. 'Cause I had a room at the Premier Inn where the shower gel is very much attached to the wall.
So first, I approached Leo because Leo and I had met many times before. So I came up to him and I very openly said, "Leo, would you like to have a threesome?" And Leo said, "Yes." But I don't think his heart was in it. I think we have the same agent, and he was too scared to say no. And if some of you are looking at me saying, "Oh, Olga, be so [bleep] up if a man said this on stage," don't overthink it. Let it wash over.
So then me and Leo collectively approached Sam. But Leo and I only met Sam that night. We couldn't just open with, "Would you like to have a threesome?" We needed to lay some groundwork. And before I get to that groundwork, I cannot overcommunicate enough to you just how devastatingly handsome Sam is. Sam is so hot, whatever you're imagining, double it, triple it. He's so hot. He's so hot. He's so hot. He's tall. He's blonde. We kind of look like siblings. Okay, I wrote that joke when I was blonde. Realized I have red hair. I don't know. Fix it in post. I don't know what will fix it. Anyways, basically, he's hot. He's really, really hot. He's so hot. He's got big arms. He was wearing a wife-beater, sorry, vest that you wear to beat your wife. Sam is so hot, whatever you're imagining, hotter, hotter, hotter. So hot. He's so hot. A comedy review once referred to him as a "good-looking chap." You know what that means? Horny reviewer.
So I'm, I'm doing all of my small talk all-stars, okay? I'm like, "Do you have any siblings? Where are you from? What's your favorite movie?" He's like, "Groundhog Day." "What's your favorite movie?" "Groundhog Day." "What's your favorite movie?" At a certain point, at about 2 AM on this nightclub dance floor, Sam looks at me and he goes, "Hey Olga, I'm going to be in a student comedy competition a couple of days from now. Would you like to be my plus one?" Now, before we go any further, he's a 24-year-old Master's student. Everything is above board, okay? What's 24 years between a teacher and a French president? So in my mind, I think, "Okay, well, I scratch your back, you have a threesome with me." So I say, "Sure, I'll be your plus one to the student comedy competition." At which point he whips out his phone, 2 AM nightclub dance floor, and emails the organizer of the competition, "Can Olga Co please be my plus one?" No subject line, no hello, no thank you. To which I assume the organizer is like, "Do you know her? Is this a Make-A-Wish?"
And so after this, I feel comfortable asking for my thing. So I say, "Hey Sam, would you, would you like to have a threesome?" And he goes, "Is this the only way I can get an agent and ultimately London?" He declines. At which point I realize that I've just been scammed into going to a student comedy competition. And student comedy competition or not, I have done crazy [bleep] after breakups. We've established. I love embracing a little bit of hoe culture after a breakup. I love embracing a little bit of chaos after a breakup. Like after my first major breakup in high school, I faked my own death for the attention. I went on Facebook and I did one of those statuses that was like, "This is Olga's mom." You know exactly the one I'm talking about. You've all wondered what it would be like to post it. I don't recommend it. Like, zero comments. Don't do it. Don't do it.
After one breakup, within one month, within one month of this breakup, I had gone to Mamma Mia! The Party at London's O2, not once, not twice, but three whole times. Pause for applause. Thank you very much. Thank you. Uh, who here knows what Mamma Mia! The Party is? Okay, great. The rest of you, read a book. Mamma Mia! The Party is an immersive three-hour dining experience based on the musical Mamma Mia. Do we know the musical Mamma Mia? Based on the songs of ABBA. Mamma Mia is in Italian. ABBA is Swedish. The songs are in English. The whole thing takes place in Greece. Why is it called Mamma Mia? Because there's already a musical called Greece. What does this have to do with anything? Uh, Meryl Streep raw-dogging three men in Greece is hoe culture.
And look, I'm going to be completely honest with you. I've only been recognized twice in my entire life. And the first time I ever got recognized was in the queue to Mamma Mia! The Party. And it wasn't because of any of my television appearances. It was because of the other time I went to Mamma Mia! The Party. I may be misremembering this, but I'm pretty sure the woman checking my ticket just went, "Here we go again."
So you walk in, and it's quite an industrial space. So you think, like, what could they possibly done to the O2? But the second you walk in, you are transported. The walls are covered in vines. The sky is painted blue. The whole place looks like an authentic Greek taverna. It looks so much like Greece, I thought I was at the British Museum. And what Mamma Mia! The Party promises you is 50 ABBA songs in 3 hours. 3 hours is a long time. 50 ABBA songs is a buttload of ABBA songs. And this is not merely a concert, like the holograms. This is part of the Mamma Mia Cinematic Universe. They have narrative. They have characters. They have dialogue. But because they have to get through so many songs, the amount of dialogue they have is porno-level, okay? Like, you're constantly hearing [bleep] like, "We need to call the plumber." "The plumber's name?" [Applause] "Fernando." Halfway through, they're panicking. They're nowhere close to 50 songs. They're shoehorning every line. You're hearing stuff like, "Hey, Costas, uh, do you have a favorite Martin Luther King quote?" "I have a dream." 15 minutes left. "No, we're close to 50 songs." What they do is a very clever thing. They stage a talent show within the narrative of the show. And it just so happens that the only performance at this talent show is a 30-song ABBA medley. Cannot recommend it enough. If you have £200 lying around, why are you even here? Don't do the math of how much money I've spent on Mamma Mia! The Party. Don't do it. I see some of you doing it. Don't do it. Millennials cannot buy houses. And Mamma Mia! The Party is to play.
But the crown jewel of my chaotic post-breakup behavior year was without a doubt the day I got broken up with. And that same day I got broken up with, I immediately applied to be on The Bachelorette. Do you guys know The Bachelorette? It's, um, it's like a long tradition. It's a woman in a long dress. She lives in a house with a bunch of men. I think the first Bachelorette was Snow White. The Bachelorette is an American TV show institution. It's reality television heaven, okay? I've always wanted to be The Bachelorette. She's amazing, right? She's there in a long dress with 20 men. Every week she votes a man off until there's three Republicans or farmers. And then, because it's a very heteronormative show, she has all three men propose to her. And the one that she chooses, contractually, inevitably, three to six weeks later, comes out as gay. That's how the show works, okay?
But in order to make the show last 20 weeks, they need to pad out the pool of eligible Republicans, farmers, with other dudes. And these other dudes are, for lack of a better word, freaks. I don't know if anyone here has seen episode one of any season of The Bachelorette, but it is a parade of freakazoids. Okay? She's there in a gorgeous gown, full face of makeup, flowers. Open the door. Ding dong. It's a guy in a hot dog suit. It's a magician. It's a white Buddhist. It's a guy in a regular suit. Camera pans down, he's wearing toe shoes. He's there. It's Anthony Costa from Blue. Knock knock. It's just like a Jehovah's Witness that knocked on the door and just got roped in. They're all there. That's the setup of the show. The subtext of the show is, when do we collectively start [bleep] shaming The Bachelorette because a bloody Bachelorette [bleep] like seven of them? And a good, godly Bachelorette doesn't [bleep] any of them because they're what? Gay.
See, if I were to be The Bachelorette, I'd subvert the whole thing. If I were to be The Bachelorette, London, I would [bleep] the freaks. Because if I know anything, is that a guy in a hot dog suit will [bleep] me better than any Republican. If I'm going on ABC television, I'm getting fingered by a magician. "Is this your card?" I have yet to hear from the producers. They wouldn't be able to handle me. I'd subvert too much about the show. I'd subvert too much about the show. I would come on, I would [bleep] the freaks. The producers would hate that. I would also refuse to have the men propose to me. I'm sorry, I'm The Bachelorette, so I'm doing the the proposing, okay? And don't tell me that it's desperate when women propose because men love it. When I get on my knees, and you know when men propose to women, it's always so gendered. It's always like flowers and butterflies. I would want my proposal to my man to be just as gendered. I want to give my man the proposal that he's been dreaming of since he was a little boy. I would do it at the gym. I'd get on one knee. I'd hand him an ice-cold Stella and I'd say, "Wouldn't it be tight if we spent the rest of our lives together? No homo." And then he'd stand there, and then he'd be like, "Oh, word." All those boys would be there, lifting through the tears. "Surprise, I made you all steaks. Surprise, I bought you tickets to the game." "What game?" "I don't [bleep] know." And just when he thinks the day can't get any better, I buy him a Cameo from Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Weddings on a Saturday. I'm not even there because Saturdays are for the boys.
So what I'm trying to say, London, is that I've done crazy [bleep] after breakups. So two days later, you bet your ass I was at the student comedy competition. And this is the part of the show where I confess to you that this was not my first time at the student comedy competition. And it was not my second time at the student comedy competition. It was my third time at the student comedy competition, having never taken part in this student comedy competition, because I like what I like. And what I like is to be called Mommy.
So I walk in with my ticket. I hand it to the organizer, who recognizes me. He looks at the ticket. He goes, "Here we go again." I take a seat. And it is only when I take my seat that I realize I may have made a terrible mistake. I'm there completely alone. People keep coming up to me asking me why I'm there. They sent me directly next to Sam's entire extended family. I can't introduce myself to them because I can't just be like, "I failed to have a threesome with your son and here I am." I don't see Sam before the show. I only see him on stage for a total of seven minutes, after which I have to sit through three hours of student comedy. I cut my losses. I go to a pub. I order two small glasses of wine and one big one, like a mom who's had too much on that day, which is hoe culture. And as I am decanting my second wine, this is the second time I've ever been recognized in my life because a man in this pub comes up to me and very kindly says, "You are in Mock the Week." And I say, "You don't know my life," and I burst into tears. And as I am crying into my giant wine, I receive the following text message from Sam.
"Hello, hello. Okay, um, okay. I'm gonna need a volunteer to be Sam. Does anybody want to be, does anybody want to be Sam? Would you like to be Sam? What's your name?" "Marcus." "Marcus? Would you like to be Sam?" "Okay." "All right. So if you could just read. Huge round of applause for Marcus." "Sam. Thank you, Marcus. Sam." Okay, so this is, this is the text message that Sam sent me. I'm crying in my wine, post-student comedy competition. "Yeah, I just love the student comedy competition." Sam text me the following text message: "It was lovely meeting you last week, weekend, and having you at the competition tonight. It really means a lot. Have a great rest of your tour and hope to see you again sometime soon. Rock emoji, hotdog emoji." [Laughter] "Exactly."
I'm not sure this accent can make anything sound romantic. No offense to you, sir. Um, okay, so based on that text message alone, do you think he wants to suck and [bleep], or do you think it's more of like a "we'll always have Paris" vibe? Definitely Paris. Okay, Marcus is being brutal to me right now, but the accent makes it kind of hot. Um, okay, so he, so you think that's a rejection? I, we established that I was feeling delusionally confident at the time. So to me, I couldn't really tell. I couldn't really understand the text message. To me, it was like a foreign language. I did not know what it meant. I was staying up all night deciphering it like the Rosetta Stone. Okay? I took a screenshot of that text message and I sent it into every group chat I've ever been in in my life. It was like, "Work drinks 2017. Hey guys, long time no speak. Congrats on the baby. Now, my thing." I had no idea what that text message meant. I had no idea what it meant. I had no idea whether he wanted to see me again.
And to make matters worse, a few days after this, Sam invites me out for a drink, or a milkshake. Okay, Chloe, what does a milkshake mean? I was even more confused than after that [bleep] text message, okay? 'Cause is a milkshake friendly? Is it networking? Is it sexy? What the [bleep] is a milkshake? And we've established that Sam is bisexual. I am also bisexual, based on my footwear and the length of my my fingernails. Hi, girls. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Okay. And I don't want to give bisexuals a bad rap, but I truly believe that any interaction between two bisexual people is simultaneously the most innocent and chaste interaction and the most horny and depraved interaction. Okay? Uh, the only way I can explain this to straight people is, um, imagine running into a distant cousin at a wedding. It can truly go either way. If it's good enough for the Queen. Marcus.
And look, I'm bisexual. I didn't talk too much about having sex with women on stage. I don't really do that because it would just sound like bragging. 10 out of 10 would recommend. Also, for the longest time, I didn't really feel comfortable talking about my bisexuality on stage because I'm not a 50/50 bisexual. I'm more of a, like, a spicy straight. Like, I am as gay as Tony Soprano is Italian. Like, I feel strongly that my grandmother was a lesbian. I love the culture. I've been many times. Also, I don't think it makes sense for me to come out as bisexual because I do believe that all women are lesbians. Um, if there's any straight-identifying women in the audience, can you give me a "woo"? I don't believe you exist. But, um, it's really fun. You can identify as whatever you want. That's fun. It's fun that you always come in groups. Huh. Just a little anthropological observation for me. Um, my favorite thing that you straights do, um, is practice kissing on your female best friend for like four hours. She's nodding. She's nodding. Uh, my favorite activity that straight women do is get really drunk at the club, and then you're so drunk, and you're so horny, and going home with a man is dangerous, and Beth is right there, and if you're not laughing, that's a sound of about 50 women going, "Huh?" Look, we spent hundreds of years objectifying women. It's okay if it worked. Men love buying magazines with women on the cover. But women love buying magazines with women on the cover. And if you're still not convinced, why not turn to a famous hoe culture disciple, a certain Dolly Parton? Do we love Dolly Parton? We love Dolly Parton. And Dolly Parton loves her straight husband in a very straight way. And, um, she loves her husband in such a straight way that she keeps writing these gorgeous ballads about how much she loves her straight husband. And, um, one of the most famous ballads, as you'll know, about how straightly she loves her straight husband, is called "Jolene." And it goes, "Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, your beauty is beyond compare, your flaming locks of auburn hair, your ivory skin and eyes of emerald green." Tell me the guy's name. Jolene is the only song about a man that passes the Begell test. Can you imagine going to the woman you know your boyfriend is cheating on you with and just being like, "Jessica, I've read the text messages, and let me just start by saying that your eyes are beautiful. Jessica, where did you get those shoes? Jessica, everyone in the community respects you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm wasting your time. I shouldn't have be here. I'm so sorry. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I forgot why you didn't hear. Oh, please don't [bleep] my boyfriend." All women are gay.
Also, as a bisexual person, I don't want to give bisexual people a bad rap, but I do think I have sexual tension with everybody. And what you're hearing is like, "Olga, you have a lot of sexual tension with a lot of people." No, everybody I've married and divorced. All of you. You and I are co-parenting in my mind. Every job interview I've ever gone to has ended in me going, "Are you feeling this?"
There are only two people in the entire world who are exempt from my sexual tension list. And the first person who's exempt is my best friend, Charlotte. And Charlotte is exempt because Charlotte went to an all-women's university where her entire personality was drugs, and she still chose men. Okay, I know when I'm not welcome. And the other person exempt from my list is my best friend, Phillip. And Phillip is exempt because Phillip is so gay, he has repeatedly told me he prefers magic to comedy. I know the limits of my abilities, Phillip. Also, recently got food poisoning from what the medics refer to as "eating too much [Laughter] ass." He died doing what he loved. Eating a magician's ass. Is this your car, Philip?
And I also went to high school together, and his yearbook quote was the MGMT lyric, "This is our decision to live fast and die young." And now he works for Goldman Sachs. A happy ending, after all. Also, I joke about Philip getting food poisoning. Philip had liver failure from eating ass. London, are you hearing me? Philip ate, Philip ate so much ass his liver gave up. He had to get hospitalized. He had to tell his parents. Imagine calling your mom, "Mom, I ate too much. Can you come get me? I ate too much ass." He got hospitalized. I visited him. UCL Hospital, 7th floor. Amazing views of London. Hash, secret London. Stunning. No, stunning. Oh my God, life hack. Okay. And then, and, and I visited him. He had an en suite. And I had to go through this like communal floor that all these people were sharing. And I was like, "How the [bleep] did you get an en suite?" And he said, "I had the [bleep] so bad I needed my own toilet." Very cool. Write it down. Very, very cool. But, um, I do, I do get it. Like, um, I'd lose my liver if I could eat ass one last time. Um, take my kidneys. I don't give a [bleep]. Um, you guys eat ass. Just like, breathe and act normally if you eat ass. Let me sell you on eating ass. If anyone here is curious about what's happening in the ass-eating space, if you have children, let me tell you, if they're eating ass, they're not getting pregnant. They are getting liver failure. And if you're curious about eating ass, let me, let me tell you, okay? So, um, if your, if your partner is cheeked up, if they got a big juicy booty, like a big butt, which they should, it's 2023. Step up and get a BBL. A BBL, for those of you who don't know, is a Brazilian butt lift. It's, uh, the plastic surgery with the highest mortality rate, begging the question, is life with a flat ass even worth living? So cheeked up. I got a big, big butt. What you want to do is you want to take the, the, the person whose salad you're about to toss, whose five a day you're about to enjoy, what you want to do is you want to take the cheeks, you have to shove them into your own eyes. And it feels like a VR headset. Take me into the [Applause] metaverse. You know when you're a kid and you rub your eyes and you see stars? You'll see stars. All right.
So Sam invited me out for a milkshake. So I packed my things and went to the yard. And I guess he invited me out for the milkshake because he's not like other boys, because he's sober. And I'm not like other girls, because I can digest lactose. So I arrived at this milkshake. I still had no idea what it meant. I had no idea whether to prepare myself for a date or whether to prepare myself for something more friendly or formal. I had no idea. But the second we sat down, it didn't really matter anymore because the conversation was so easy and it was so fun. It was the most fun I ever had in my life. We were bonding over all the things bisexual people bond over, like the price of hair bleach, or our coming out stories. It turns out we came out the same exact way. We sat our parents down and kissed them both on the mouth. It was honestly amazing. Like, he was also into all the hoe culture disciples, except for me. Avril and Atanas were women I grew up with. And to him, Avril and Atanas were classic rock. And at the end of the day, we stood up, realized we never actually ordered anything because bisexuals famously cannot choose. And as we were walking out, I was still thinking, "I can't tell what this is. I don't know if this is a date or not. I had such a nice time, but I don't know what he's thinking." And as I was thinking this, he grabbed me by the shoulder and he kissed me. And then he said, "Where do you live?" And I said, "We're about 5 minutes away from my house." And he said, "We can be zero minutes away from your bed." Which should tell you how hot he is, 'cause he totally got away with it. And in my head, I was like, "Yay, he wants to have sex with me." But in reality, I had to be like, "No, I'm shy." But I wasn't shy. I just had Sebastian at my house tuning his guitar, 'cause, you know, I did that thing where you go out for the night and you're not sure if it's definitely going to happen, so you line up a sure thing 'cause you don't want to waste a shaved [bleep]. I was the victim of my own over-preparedness. And so I had to leave, right? And then after that, I had to go back on tour. And, um, a few days later, I found myself in the city of Leeds. You guys like Leeds? It's a city. And I was doing that thing in Leeds, I don't know if you know this. You go to a pub, you see a straight couple, you start chatting to them, you start taking shots, you start making out with the girl as a joke, um, and then halfway through the kissing, you turn to the guy and you say, "I'm cucking you right now." It's a great way to see a new city, okay?
So I was out and about seeing the sights of Leeds when I got a fire react emoji to one of my Instagram stories from none other than Sam. And I wanted to use this as an opportunity, okay? Because I realized that I was sending him mixed signals. I didn't say hi to him after the student comedy competition. I said no when he asked to come home with me. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't interested because I was interested. And baby, I was interested. I was scrolling so far back in his Instagram, okay? I was so far back in his Instagram. You know when you scroll so far, you know they have a melanoma before they do. I was doing every Google search under the sun. I was like, "Sam, last name, Isis, right?" You need to check if you'll always come second with it. I used to say his actual last name, but now I have to say last name to to to anonymize because this is being recorded. But is it more confusing when I say last name because you think his his last name is Isis? 'Cause his last name is not Isis, and he's not an Isis. Let's just make that perfectly clear. Although I says needs LGBTQ representation, not the message of this show.
So I really wanted to let him know that I was interested. And so I sent him the following message. He was in Wales at the time. This will become relevant. I said, "I hope you're having a wonderful time in Wales. I'm having a wonderful time not thinking about you." Winky face, which is the international sign for open throat. And Sam came back with [Music] this. Uh-huh. Ah. Same handshake emoji. [Laughter] [Applause] He sent me a handshake emoji like it's [bleep] LinkedIn. I sent him an open throat, and he pleased doing business with you. Me, the indignity. He sent me a hand, a handshake emoji.
And look, okay, reading that is devastating. But I need to tell you what it felt like to receive it at the time, okay? So, you know how guys who like small tits think they're intellectually superior? Men who are like, "Big boobs? Not for me." To go, so I'm quite flat-chested, so I've mostly dated readers, right? And what I've learned from dating all these intellectuals is that next time, ladies, don't ask him if he has any STDs. Ask him if he's red-pilled, because you can get rid of an STD, you can't get rid of ideas. And so what was so refreshing about Sam, what was so mind-boggling about Sam, was that Sam was completely and utterly unpretentious. He was so completely unpretentious when he told you about his favorite Jack Reacher book or asked you what your favorite Ariana Grande song was, that it made you want to stop pretending. For the first time in my life, I could stop pretending that I had a favorite strain of weed or that I had a favorite Beatle. It's Yoko. Yoko is my favorite Beatle. I wish he Yoko more bands. I wish Yoko Yoko Imagine Dragons. So with any other person, if I read that text message, I'd say, "Oh my God, they're clearly not interested," or, "They're playing some sick and twisted mind game." Was Sam, and only earnest, unpretentious Sam, did it genuinely feel like he just wanted to shake your hand? But I couldn't think about it too much because I woke up the next morning with a giant lump on my throat. You can touch it on the way out. And I obviously thought, "I've hoe-cultured too close to the sun." So I made an appointment with my GP. And before I get into that, can I just say that the NHS is the greatest invention on this godforsaken island? Everybody who works for the NHS is a saint. Sadly, the NHS is terribly underfunded, and everybody who works for the NHS is terribly overworked. And it is because the NHS is so underfunded and because all of the NHS workers are so overworked that the bedside manner of some NHS employees may at times be a little bit on guard.
So I show up to my GP with my giant lump. And the very first thing she says is not, "Hello," not, "How are you?" She just looks at me and she goes, "You think it's cancer?" Reader, I did not think it was cancer. So now we're both in a panic because we have no idea what this thing is, right? I go for an ultrasound because maybe can join twin. Arguably the most hoe-culture thing of all is your twin dying on you because she'll.
Never be you inconclusive. Have no idea what it is she's like. Let's go take a biopsy. Autopsy, autopsy, biopsy, biopsy, biopsy. The one where I'm not dead. Um, the thing like when they take a little piece of you. Assum, right? So she sends me to another doctor. This new doctor, she lays me down. She gets out the biggest needle I have ever seen in my life. And she starts sticking it into my neck. And as I'm lying there trying to distract myself from the biggest needle I've ever seen, I try scrolling my phone, just not to think about the giant needle in my neck.
And as I'm scrolling to distract myself, I get the following text message from Sam: "Hey Elga, I just wanted to say, is it all right if this stays platonic? I think you're amazing and I don't want anything to complicate our friendship 'cause you're a lovely person and it's so much fun having you my life. Hope you're having a good day. Hot Emoji." Marcus, none of that was written down. What the [ __ ]? No, thank you for reading that. Um, he wanted to protect our friendship, you know, friendship when you've met twice and one of them you beg them for a three best friends forever.
So obviously, when I receive this essay, I start balling. I'm crying, I'm hyperventilating with a needle in my neck. I'm enjoying it a little bit because I love being the main character. And as I'm crying, the doctor looks over and I kid you not, verbatim, goes, "Sometimes I forget you're people and not pin [Laughter] cushions." I don't have cancer. My original GP called me and the conversation word for word went. She was like, "You don't have cancer." And I said, "Thank you so much, have a great day, goodbye." And she went, "Thank you so much, have a great day." It could be syphilis. [Laughter] Click. Syphilis. That's not ho culture, that's harlot culture. But also, relax, I don't have syphilis either. But if I did have syphilis, how do you think I got it?
And the cherry on top of the entire experience was, um, you know when you go to your GP and they write down everything you say and they send it to your address? I opened this piece of paper and instead of standup comedian, she wrote standard comedian. Standard comedian. I haven't even raped anybody. Look, I really wanted to write this show thanking and celebrating the women that made me the woman that I am today. I also really wanted to write a show about rejection, showing the world that I'm not ashamed of my rejection. Because if I learned anything, it's that in traditional femininity, if you want something, you're meant to sit there and wait for that thing, for someone to come to you and propose to you. But in ho culture, you go out there and you get the things that you want. And in traditional femininity, if you get rejected, you're meant to think of it as a defeat. You're meant to internalize it and feel ashamed of it and self-pity and sit there in silence and think of it as your own failure as a woman. But in ho culture, you can't shame me if I'm not ashamed. The women of ho culture aren't ashamed if they're rejections. They take their rejections and they make beautiful art out of their rejections. When men get rejected, they start World War II or [Laughter] Facebook. When Alanis Morissette got broken up with, she did not text her ex-boyfriend. Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater? She took these thoughts and she put them to music and she wrote "You Oughta Know," the greatest song of our time. And now, now people are singing "You Oughta Know" in karaoke bars all over the world. And no relationship anyone could have ever offered Alanis Morissette would ever come close to the euphoria of hearing "You Oughta Know" for the very first time. And this show is my "You Oughta Know." Because I don't make comedy for comedy fans. I make comedy for 18-year-old girls who got left on red and think the world is ending. And I don't know if you guys know this, but "You Oughta Know" was written about Dave Coulier, who's a standup comedian, most well known for "One of the Coolest Chicks in Show Business." So Sam, we're halfway there. So Sam, you ask me if it's okay if this stays platonic. I ask you if it's okay if the show is iconic. [Applause] [Music] To ask your Disney adult from the top of the show to help you compose this perfectly legal sound. Alife. I was watching Notting Hill a couple of nights ago and when Hugh Grant turns Julia Roberts down and his friends all roast him for it, I was like, "What the [ __ ] have I done?" Psych, psych, psych, psych, psych, psych, psych, psych. Sorry, I can't write a show about rejection if I've never been rejected. Can't relate. Hello. He changed his mind because he watched Notting Hill. I'm Julia Roberts. [ __ ] thank God Netflix had the rights to Notting Hill. It could have been Gone Girl. I would have been dead. Look, it brings me absolutely no pleasure to tell you that I do not live by the message of my own show. It brings me absolutely no pleasure to tell you that Sam and I are in love and he's my little baby. Oh, I hate this part of the show. It like makes me sick. Um, I hate, I hate, I hate this part of the show because men stop laughing because they think I won't [ __ ] them. Um, oh God, he's my little baby. I hate it. I hate it. The thing that's the most annoying is that changing your mind because you watched a Richard Curtis film. ISO culture. Don't you hate it when you desperately want to have a threesome and you fall deeply in love instead? Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Kind of. I love him so much. He's a little baby. We went running the other day and he was like, "Do you want to see how fast I can run, Mama?" I love him so much. We were playing 20 questions the other day and I gave him Mariah Carey and he couldn't get Mariah Carey in 20 questions. And I was like, "It's Mariah Carey." And he was like, "Who? The Christmas lady?" I also just think that maybe like a bisexual man and a bisexual woman in a relationship is maybe the bravest thing you can do because you're very boldly and very openly looking at each other and you're saying, "I could have been interesting, but instead I chose you." And who knows, maybe one day I'll get on one knee and I'll hand him an ice-cold milkshake and I'll say, "Wouldn't it be tight if we spent the rest of our lives together?" Some homo. And he'd stand there and through the tears he'd be like, "Is this the only way I can get an agent?" Then you. Thank you so, so much. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for coming out. You're incredible. Truly. What a ride. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don't want to waste much more of your time. I'm just gonna end on one short anecdote. I love going to parties. I love going to parties. I love talking to strangers. I love asking strangers the big questions. Questions like, in the movie Freaky Friday, would you rather [ __ ] Jamie Lee Curtis with Lindsay Lohan's brain or Lindsay Lohan with Jamie Lee Curtis's brain? That's to say, would you rather [ __ ] a child's mind or a child's body? Starts a very interesting conversation about consent. I especially love going to parties with my best friend, Phillip of liver failure fame, Gay Phil. And by Olga, love going to a party, love approaching a group of straight men, like Imagine Dragons of straight men, right? And asking them the only question that a bi woman and a gay man want to ask a group of straight men. And that question is, of course, if you had to have gay sex, if you had to have gay sex, if you had to have gay sex, if your life depended on it, would you be a top or a bottom? And what happens every time is that all the straight boys start running around saying, "I'd be a top. I'd be a [ __ ] top because I'm a dick and I [ __ ] with it. I'd be a [ __ ] top." That's exactly what happened at this party. Apart from one man. And that man's name was Sebastian. Sebastian looked at all these other boys and he said, "I would be a bottom." And all the other boys went, "You're [ __ ] gay." And he laughed. Oh, how he laughed. And he looked at them and he said, "I'd be a bottom because I wouldn't be able to get hard for a man." He outmasted all of them. That night, I saw a man grow a cowboy hat. And that's yeaw culture. Thank you so much. I've been go up. [Music] [Applause] [Music] Thank you very much.