Why Toxic Women Choose Good Men

In the movie Fatal Attraction, men got a little insight into just how evil women could get. Now, in that movie, Glen Close played the character of the evil woman who went nuts. But I think it was Michael Douglas who played the cheating husband. And so, he kind of gave us this idea that this evil cheating husband attracted to him exactly what he deserved: this evil crazy woman who is going to get revenge no matter what.

Well, that's not the way things work in the real world. Crazy women do not seek out evil men. No. No. They don't want to match up with that. No. They look for vulnerable men. They look for guys that are nice guys. Guys that are compassionate, empathetic, guys who have their [ __ ] together, guys who have good jobs, guys who are responsible, guys who will go out of their way to take care of others. These are the guys that are most vulnerable to the most evil women. And in fact, in many ways, they are the most vulnerable all the time.

So today I want to talk about why it is crazy women seek out nice guys. What you can do if you are a nice guy to insulate yourself from these nut jobs and why exactly is this even happening at all. This is life 2.0. Let's talk about it.

In my coaching, I get to talk to a wide range of guys. And I've noticed this pattern since the very beginning. And the more guys I coach, the more and more clear it becomes how these really, really, really nice guys just get completely exploited and run over by these really toxic women. And I don't know if it's the nice guy's niceness that's bringing out the toxicity or if these toxic women just seek them out on purpose, but there's definitely something to it.

I know this guy named Mike, we'll call him, who's just the kind of guy you'd want your daughter to marry. I mean, he's an engineer. He helps out at the animal shelter. I think he uh he's helping out the old couple that lives next door with their groceries and their lawn. I mean, the guy is just, you know, a saint. And his wife could not be any worse. I mean, she is one of the meanest people I've even heard of. She threw a full glass of wine at his head. [laughter] I mean, who does that? Who does that, you know? I mean, she's just a complete psychopath. Mike is the kind of guy who's loyal. He's empathetic. He wants to help people. And this just sets him up perfectly for the kind of craziness that she delivers. We'll call her Sue.

So as a guy who is loyal, declares his loyalty, what she does is she will pit herself against everyone else in his life and declare that in order for him to be loyal to her and to prove that he loves her, that he needs to submit to whatever demand she's placing upon him in that moment. He's empathetic, very concerned about her feelings. Well, she will use that as a way to manipulate him with tears. Every time she's not getting what she wants or something goes wrong in her life, the waterworks begin and his empathy kicks in. He feels sorry for her and he tries to do what he can to fix it. He's got a lot of compassion, which just means that she's going to use him as her emotional janitor. Basically, every single time she has some kind of a breakdown or a thought or a belief that something isn't exactly right in her life, well, she's going to turn on to oh, she's going to start draining him for whatever she can get on an emotional level.

I had a conversation with another guy, we'll call him Dave, and this woman that he was just dating. So fortunately, he had not gotten into a full-blown commitment with her, but she placed a lot of demands on him starting from the very beginning of the relationship when she learned that he had a lot of women in his life, including his cousins and his sister's best friend that he had known since childhood and and some, you know, friendships that she that he had with other women at work. She demanded demanded that he end all of those relationships if he was to continue a relationship with her.

Now, I'm not sure exactly why it is toxic women seek out nice guys, but they do. It's almost like they can smell them from two or three counties away. They are like uh like animals looking for that vulnerability. And I think that's kind of what it is. And I've talked about this a little bit in other videos where women have this constant layer of fear on them all the time. And I think what it is with these toxic women is they just take that fear up another notch. And if you've ever been around an animal that is afraid, especially a cornered animal that's afraid, um they can be extremely unpredictable. And you can only imagine when you take that and you apply it to a human being who has the um intellect to apply different levers on a relationship and cause pain in unique ways, how that fear can manifest into extremely evil behavior.

Most of these toxic women seem to have gone to the same school about toxicity and how to behave with vulnerable nice guys. So, you can identify their behavior really, really quickly. The first indication that you're going to be dealing with a toxic woman is the quickness in which she develops an emotional attachment to you. We'll call it love bombing. Now, it's not quite as overt as you may have read or or heard about, but it's definitely there. So, the sex is going to happen relatively quickly, usually within the first couple of dates. And the "I love yous" are going to start coming really, really soon.

And you know, when you're in that vulnerable state, you know, post uh post sex, and she starts whispering, "I love you." It's it's really, really, really hard to not say "I love you" back. But that is the trap and they know it. They know that when you're there, you know, postnut and your eyes are all glazed over and she's just laying there smelling and looking so yummy and you just feel so appreciative of everything that has just happened and she says, "Oh, I think I'm falling in love with you." You're like, "Oh, I'm definitely falling in love with you." [laughter] But you don't mean that. You're definitely falling in love with the sex. We've all been there. We've all done that and she knows it and she knows it and she's using it as a tool against you. Oh my god, you are so vulnerable in that moment. So, love bombing is stage one. You got to be watching for. And like I said, it's a lot more subtle than what a lot of people think. It's not actually a bomb that goes off. It's more like a little grenade.

One of the guys that I talked to was describing how he and his wife got together. Now, she is definitely a toxic nut job and she has been making his life miserable for quite some time. But in the beginning, um it seemed like there was some magic in the air. Do you know what I mean? Um he was a pretty um average guy. Really, really smart though. I mean, really, really smart. Like kind of guy who goes to the best colleges, gets a a degree in um uh some kind of physics. I mean, the guy is just like one of the probably one of the smartest guys in the country. And um but because of that, you know, he's got kind of that little nerdy vibe, you know what I mean? So, he didn't have a lot of experience with women. And um and I think that she recognized that early on. So she emphasized how amazing a man he was to him and really blew a lot of smoke up his ass. Made him feel like he was really super special. And that comes with the love bombing. It's not just about "I love you." It's about "Wow, you're everything I ever wanted in a man. I can't believe I met you. I can't believe we're experiencing this." You know, you get this energy about it like you've had some kind of a mystical experience and you've waited your entire life for this moment. And she is just creating the narrative around this experience for you. And we men, postnut man, we are just buying in 100%. We're not thinking big picture. We're not objectively looking at this. Even though I think in most of our minds there is an aspect of this experience that we're going, "Something seems a little weird about this, you know, like something seems a little off. Is this the way it always goes?" But of course, with my friend, he didn't have a lot of experience with women. So he thought, "Okay, this is just the way it goes." And it wasn't. I don't think it was until he explained it to me and I said, "Dude, I think she was lovebombing you. I think she was trapping you right from the very beginning" that it even occurred to him that that was a possibility.

So, the love bombing comes first and along with it comes all the uh accolades of what a great guy you are and how magnificent this experience is and how she's waited her entire life for a guy just like you. And once you start spitting out those "I love yous," h you move on to stage two. Stage two is when the damsel in distress comes out. [laughter] Yes. This is when she starts to reveal her plan. It starts to become more and more apparent to us viewers who are watching the movie. We can see what's happening here. Yes. Oh, she needs your help. Not only are you such a great guy and she loves you, but she's she's got some deep shame because she's got all this credit card debt. You know, she's $40,000 in debt on her credit cards and she's she doesn't want you to think worse of her for it because she's doing her best. You know, she's just a single woman. She's just out here doing what she can. She's working so hard. Forget about all those Gucci bags and shoes that she's wearing. [laughter] You know, she's just trying to look pretty for to to attract a guy like you. Obviously, that's what it is. And so, you go, "Oh, $40,000, honey. That's a lot of money." Like, how did you get into such debt? Uh I'm just been so depressed because I have not had a guy like you in my life. And you know all those other guys, they were so bad. They were so evil. That's the other thing you're going to see. They're going to badmouth everybody they've ever dated or anyone who's ever had any kind of connection with them that didn't go perfectly the way they wanted. Those other men, they were so evil. They were so bad. They they stole from me. They made me pay for the dates and I paid for the dates because I was trying to be a good good woman. And I wasn't trying to be judgmental about their financial situation. I was trying to be good. I was trying to be a nice person, but they just stole from me because they were all evil. They were all narcissists. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah.

And then you move on to stage three, and this is when the emotional blackmail begins. This is when you're going to start um getting tears, getting uh emotional reactions. If you don't behave the way that she wants, she's going to say that you're not expressing love in an appropriate way, that you don't really love her, that you're really just using her like all those other guys did, that you're just like all the rest. And then she's putting you in this position where now you have to take some kind of action to prove that you're not one of these bad guys. And the minute you do that, you're sunk. Now she's got you hooked, line, and sinker. You are on the line and she is manipulating you as quickly and easily as a you know as a puppeteer handles a marionette. I mean, they are just masterful and she will use you, abuse you and leave you for dead. Trust me.

So why is it that so many good guys fall for this [ __ ] routine? You know, from the day that we come into this world as men, the idea that we need to protect and provide for women has been culturally pounded into our psyches. It is so ingrained in us, I don't know if it's even genetic, you know, it's so ingrained in our DNA that when we see someone in trouble, it's our natural inclination to try to help. And when we see a woman, especially one that we're attracted to, who's struggling, that damsel in distress, stepping in to try to be uh the the nut white knight, if you will, is just an automatic. It's not that these guys are weak. I don't want to give that kind of energy to it at all. I don't think that's what it is. I think it's just a lack of experience with women combined with that cultural programming that tells us that we need to step into that gap, that we need to be the one that um does what we can to help out. And I have done this myself on many many occasions. It's very hard for me, quite frankly, to see someone that um I have maybe I may care about in some way shape or form who is struggling. I just, it's just very, very difficult. I have a friend who is um going through some difficult times and she's attractive but she's probably not my type. You know what I mean? It's very easy for me to want to help her out. You know, like she's trying to get a job and she doesn't have a good computer and I've got computers and there's a part of me that's like, "I'm just going to give her my old computer." You know what I mean? Probably not appropriate. [laughter] Do you know? But I don't know. This is one of the things where is I'm cautious about it because I wonder, "Am I being entrapped? Is this part of a process? You know, is this going to lead to something else? Am I being stupid?" You know, you got to really stop and consider what's really happening here before you step in when there's a damsel in distress because you may very well turn into Captain Save-a-Ho and next thing you know, you're going to be part of the waterworks and the whole, you know, litany of "I loved you" and all that other [ __ ] and you're going to wake up one day and wonder what happened to your life. So, you got to be really, really cautious.

I had this coaching client who was with this woman for about two or three years and he spent much of that time trying to save this woman because she had a toxic family who had alienated her and she had a toxic ex who was, you know, causing all these problems in her life and she had a toxic boss who had fired her. And after spending a lot of time trying to sort through all this stuff, he finally just went to confront these people face to face. And he found out that his family was completely, her family was completely normal. They were just kind of fed up with their her [ __ ]. Like they explained to him exactly how crazy she was. Um he ran into her ex and he found out that he was a totally normal guy. He was just fed up with her [ __ ]. Didn't want to deal with her anymore. And then when he went to learn about what happened at the job, he talked to one of her co-workers and described her as coming to work late and drunk [laughter] and that's why she got fired. And so, um, it became clear to him in relatively short order that he was being manipulated, that she was using him to support her now because she wasn't working and to be her everything because she had lost everyone else in her life because they had all abandoned her because she was such a [ __ ]. And um, and he was being lied to about everything, about everything.

And women will do this as a self-defense mechanism because they are afraid. Let me just say that again. So, I know that we all like to say that they're evil and and I think the evil behavior is what we're observing, but really what we're observing are the natural reactions of a cornered animal who feels like the world is collapsing in on her and now she is going to use whatever self-defense mechanism she can to save herself. And if you're the nice guy standing nearby [laughter] with that deadly "durite" look on your face, guess what, dude? You're the you're the plan. You're the plan. And she's going to grab on to you, you know, and she's going to hold on for dear life. And she's going to tell you anything and everything she needs to tell you to save herself because that's what they're doing. They're trying to save themselves.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys who set themselves up for this and it comes from a place of low self-esteem more often than not. So, they don't think that they deserve a good woman. And so, when an attractive woman shows them attention, even if it is toxic, they're just happy to be getting any kind of attention at all. And they will embrace that toxic relationship because their self-esteem is so low that they don't think that they can find someone better. That the fact that any woman is giving them any attention is better than no woman giving them attention. And that is a tragedy because these guys have this scarcity mentality and they don't realize that being a good guy is enough for most good women.

We hear all this stuff online about how women judge men's attractiveness. And I know the first time I saw it, I thought, "Well, no wonder they're all so whacked out. They're they're their eyesight is gone. They're the way they judge men is different." And then it occurred to me, the way they judge men is different. Yeah. They're not into the physical attractiveness as much as we like to think they are. See, we see the world through our own eyes. And we immediately are very visual when it comes to a woman. And when a woman is very sensual and beautiful in our own mindset, we are drawn to them without question. Women are not like that. They're just not. Yes, there is some there's some aspect of that. There's no question about it. There's some aspect of attraction, but the full package is what's needed for the attraction to fully develop. They're not as drawn to the physical attractiveness as we are. It plays a smaller role in the decision-making process. They need to know who you are as a man. They need to know what your confidence is like. They need to know um what your um ambition is. They need to know where your life is going. What are the qualities that you bring to the table? What kind of uh values do you have? These kinds of characteristics really make a man attractive to a woman.

So, it's very possible that you could meet a woman, you know, at a party or something and you guys could have an interaction and it might seem to you that she's not all that attracted to you, but there's the seed has been planted. Now, you may not be Brad Pitt, so she's not drooling at the at the mouth for you, but you've planted the seed through the conversations that you had that you are a quality guy. And so, the next time you meet with her, and the next time you meet with her, the next time you meet with her, you're building your case um step after step after step. You just need to be a good guy with good self-esteem, a good sense of who you are as a man and understanding what you're bringing to the table. Because when you have that confidence of what you're bringing to the table and how you recognize that any woman should be um drawn to you because you are a valuable asset in a woman's life, then you have that confidence that um if she doesn't she's not attracted to you, she doesn't see it, then why would you waste your time with her? You know what I mean? You just move on to the next one. You're looking for women who can recognize the value that you're bringing. And women who don't recognize it aren't worth your time.

There are some red flags that you can use to identify these crazy women before they get too deep into your life. The first one obviously is the speed at which the relationship is evolving. If things are moving a lot faster, like you're in a whirlwind romance, there's a really, really good chance that you're dealing with a toxic woman and you need to be very, very cautious. You need to put the brakes on and slow this thing down. Because if you allow it to go its natural course, you're going to get hit with a wine glass one day. You're going to go, "Holy [ __ ] this is just like John told me. This is crazy. What am I doing with this nut job?"

The next thing is you're going to see um inconsistencies in her stories. So, she's going to have a story for everything and everyone. And it's very difficult for even the best liars to keep consistency going. And a woman who has a toxic past is going to try to hide it from you. She is a liar. And she has to be a liar because if she told you the truth of who she really is, there's no way that any man would would hang out with her. So keep that in mind. She's going to have to be a liar if she's toxic. And that lie is to cover up all of the damage that she has caused to other people in her and in the wake of her life. So when you hear these inconsistencies that inevitably will pop up, recognize that as a red flag. She is hiding these things from you. And if she can't remember the stories and how they went, there's a really good chance that um she's a toxic woman or maybe she's just got dementia, early onset dementia, but more than likely she's toxic.

Another red flag is constant drama. Yeah, if she just seems to blow everything up out of proportion without any regard for how serious the actual circumstances are, that is a red flag. Now, this is a tough one because women tend to be dramatic compared to men. So, you need to put her on a scale with other women, you know? So, keep that in mind. You can't just think she's way more dramatic than any guy I ever met. Well, that's just true of all women. But when you compare her to other women that you know, and she's dramatic compared to them, well, that's a red flag because now she's really crazy.

The next one is vindictiveness. She holds a grudge. She doesn't let things go. She wants to get back at people. She's the kind of person who would key your car. [laughter] Do you know what I mean? Like you don't trust her if you have a fight. You don't want to let her out of your sight because you know she's going to do something terrible. If you get that energy from her, that vindictiveness, oh man, that's a huge, huge red flag. You need to run to the exits because this woman will hurt you. And I don't mean just emotionally. I mean she'll hurt you. So be careful.

The biggest red flag of all is lack of empathy and compassion for other people. She treats wait staff and you know servers and people who are in a position of providing service to her like dirt. She's just a [ __ ]. You know, she just treats them like [ __ ]. If you see that or if she recognizes um someone's in jeopardy or someone's having difficulty and she is really cold and callous toward that person in any way at all, she has no ability to recognize the pain another person is experiencing. Those are enormous red flags because now you're talking about someone who probably has a personality disorder. It may be narcissism. It may be bipolar. Maybe um you know some kind of other psychosis that is driving her behaviors and you don't want to be anywhere near someone who has those kinds of problems. That's the kind of person who will ex who who will completely blow up your life. And if you continue a relationship with her um despite seeing all these red flags, I hate to say it, but you're just setting yourself up for a a meltdown in your life.

Now, I'm sure that a lot of guys are listening to me saying, "Oh, John, that would never happen to me." That I I am too smart to fall for that. There's no way I could fall into that trap. Well, let me tell you, it happens to a lot of guys, a lot of really smart guys because it's not as overt as I'm making it sound. They Some of these signs can be really, really subtle. And some of these women have become very um astute with their own behavior and how to camouflage it um because they have been in so many other relationships and they have seen those relationships blow up because they other guys saw the red flags and was able to dismiss her quickly and efficiently. So they're becoming really good at camouflaging these behaviors.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is showing these kinds of um behaviors, even though they might be much more subtle than what I'm describing here, you really do need to seek out some help at the very least. Talk to a therapist, maybe get her in front of somebody, because if you allow this to continue, the ramifications to you are way beyond just having a bad relationship with some funny stories to tell. No, it's I mean psychologically I've seen guys go from being really healthy, normal, confident guys to just being a shadow of their previous selves where the trauma experienced from these relationships is so dramatic that it undermines your confidence as a man. You know, it just puts you in a place where you don't even want to be around another woman. You think that you caused the whole thing. Like you're just constantly trying to figure out what went wrong, what you did, and how you could have done it better. And all the while there was nothing you could have done except to say no to the whole situation. And the psychological damage that it does, the emotional damage that it does, the financial damage that it does, it lingers for for years sometimes. So, you got to be really cautious. If you're starting to see these red flags pop up, you definitely got to take um action as quickly as you can to remove yourself from that set of circumstances. Or if you're not sure of what you're looking at, you need to talk to someone, someone who has some professional insights who might be able to give you an idea that yeah, this person that you're dealing with may be a truly um evil person.

Now, I don't want to be I want to be really clear here. There are some women out there who are good women who have trauma in their lives. Like they had bad childhoods, you know, they um I talked to a guy recently whose um girlfriend had a really tough, tough, tough childhood, you know, and she had some trauma bonding kind of behaviors. Now, I'm not so sure that she is a throwaway just because she had those negative experiences as a child because I don't think she necessarily has a personality disorder. I think that she's just working through some really difficult situations and I think that a little compassion and empathy on your part can help get through that. But you got to be really cautious in situations like that because there's a fine line between someone that um is willing to change and is willing to recognize the behaviors and see them as being problematic and wanting to change versus someone who is truly toxic, who does not see that they are responsible in any way at all. They're not taking any accountability. They're only blaming other people for their circumstances and they are lashing out at you all the time and they're trying to manipulate you with, you know, the love bombing, with the loyalty tests and the dramatic, you know, tears, etc. Um, if you see those patterns repeating and repeating, and that person is unwilling to be accountable for any of it, well, then you got to run. But if you got someone there who's just has, you know, we all had some some dark stuff in our lives, so and you're trying to work through it and they blow up one day and they throw a wine glass at your head, it doesn't mean they're a nut job. It just means um you need to stop and take account of what happened and figure out what's happening in her head because maybe she's just working through something that is under the surface. But maybe, you know, she's Glenn Close. [laughter] She's coming for your bunny.

Obviously in situations like this, prevention is the best um remedy. The way you prevent this is by insulating yourself from these experiences. And the way you insulate yourself is by turning yourself into a high-value man. You don't need to be six feet tall. You don't need to have six-pack abs. It does help if you make six figures. So work on that. That's something you have control over. You can make six figures. You can absolutely make six figures, but here's what you got to do is you've got to have a uh a vision for your life. You know, it always starts with a vision for your life. You got to know where who you are. You got to know where you're going. So, who you are, you're a good guy. You're confident. You're smart. Um you're an ethical person and you're caring and compassionate. You're the kind of person that's hardworking that's going to protect and provide for a family. This is who you are. You're an honorable man. Let's start there. You're an honorable man. Now, you've got to have a vision for your life. You got to be thinking, "This is where I'm going. No matter what, this is the direction that I am going." Now, if a woman wants to come along with me, I'm open to the idea. Okay? But I'm not changing directions just because I got a new passenger on this ride. You know what [laughter] I mean? Like, she's not taking the wheel here. You know, she's just coming along for my ride. Like I am the person who is driving this ship. I'm the one who is in control here. And she is just coming along for the ride.

Um you've got to be constantly working on yourself both psychologically, emotionally, and physically. That means you've got to be reading books. You've got to be looking for um content that helps round you out as a man, that gives you insights into the way people think, into the way women think, and helping to you're getting to understand their processes. Because even though technically men and women are all human, we could not be more different. And your perspective on the world is completely different than a woman. I guarantee you that. And you are not going to be able to have a relationship with a woman unless you learn about women. Now, you can do this in a couple of different ways. You can date a lot of women and go through a lot of [laughter] a lot of experiences, good, bad, and otherwise. Or you can start absorbing as much content as you can. I mean, we all have these little magic boxes in our pockets, and they're packed with all the information that's available in the world. In the world, you can just access any kind of information that you want that has ever been created by humanity ever. Use it. Use it. This magic, this magic, you can educate yourself on female behaviors. You can find good, bad, and otherwise behaviors and experiences all over the place, but you've got to make it a priority because you're not going to get it otherwise.

Um, your intellect, you got to study philosophy, spirituality. You've got to get your head in the bigger picture so that you understand what those who came before us understood. I think I I read a book recently where um the author talked about how uh books are like talking to dead people, you know, in that you're going back in time and you're talking to some of the most intelligent, most thoughtful, most philosophical, reflective people that ever lived. And they wrote these books, these books on philosophy, on thought, on um spirituality. And those thoughts are available to you and you can access that information by simply opening a book. I implore you, turn the TV off just for an hour at a time and avail yourself of this wisdom. It is there for the taking. It is there for the taking. And if you're not taking advantage of it, well then you're going to get what you get. Okay? Life will [ __ ] on you and you will have be wondering why is life [ __ ] on me and you'll go, "Well, if you just read a [ __ ] book, you might be okay, you idiot." So read a [ __ ] book, okay?

Um and then finally physically take care of yourself. That's the bottom line. You got to take care of yourself. Get in the gym, eat well, and make yourself the best possible man that you can be. If you can do that, then you can insulate yourself from these negative women because you are going to have self-confidence. You're going to see the value that you bring. You're not going to question the the quality man that you are. You know that you have what it takes to be a good, healthy partner for a good, healthy woman. And when you see the world from that perspective, you don't attract crazy people. You just won't. It really is just a really simple change of perspective. You stop seeing yourself as the applicant for the job of boyfriend and you start seeing yourself as the interviewer for the job of girlfriend. When you can make that shift in your mind and you realize that you are the job, you are the prize, you are what she's after, then everything in your relationships will change for the better. So long as you believe that you're pursuing her, that you're trying to convince her that you're worthy, then you will never be worthy and you will always be chasing her around. And that's even in healthy relationships. But in these toxic relationships, it just gets even worse. So be the prize, be the job, be the interviewer, don't be the job applicant, don't be the one that's doing the chasing. Change your perspective. And I swear to you, it's this shift in perspective that makes the biggest difference in your relationships with women. If you can just make that single shift, everything will get better.

All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. I hope you've enjoyed the video. If you have, please like and subscribe. If you know someone who's in a toxic relationship or who may be in a toxic relationship and might benefit from seeing this video, please share it with them. Anyway, till next time, remember, stay healthy and if you can, stay single.