Transcription
[Teh Hsin] I think about sex. I would say probably most of my waking moments. Women become objects of gratification. That created in me a desire to have an extramarital affair.
[Tan Tong] For a long time, Teh Hsin was addicted to pornography. It took over his life and eventually cost him his marriage. On this episode of Can Ask Meh, he shares how it started as a form of escape and how he eventually overcame his addiction.
Most addicted, it would be multiple times a day. The cycle of pornography is not just watching pornography. It is seeking for sexual gratification. The goal is to end up masturbating. I think about sex. I would say probably most of my waking moments. It affected me in my view of women. I couldn't relate to women simply as a human being. For instance, if there's any activity going on and if it's an all-men's activity, I have no interest. And then even simple things like getting a haircut to me is a time to be touched by a woman barber. Women become objects of gratification.
My first exposure... I was probably about 14 or 15 years old. When I was 14 or 15, I had a neighbour boy the same age as me across the street. One day he said, “Yeah, you come Teh Hsin, you come. I want to show you something.” And then he opened it, and it was full of Playboy magazines. It was electrifying. The first time I saw naked women from top to bottom. It was like something happened in my brain. From that day on, I craved for more. Back then, I didn't think it was an addiction. Back then, my friends were saying it's normal. Some of the older boys in my secondary school even asked each one of us, “Have you seen pornography?” “Have you masturbated?” The feeling is good, so the body craves for more.
Gradually, I discovered there were deeper reasons. When I was growing up, I was a sickly boy since I was young. So because I was so skinny, I was quite ashamed to expose my body. Even going to the swimming pool wearing swimming trunks, my upper body was exposed. Everybody could see my ribs and how skinny I was. I had no muscles, and I felt a lot of shame. The thought of actually undressing myself in front of a woman was quite terrifying, actually. When I see myself in the mirror, I think, “Oh, this guy cannot make it.” What if she laughs at me? What if she... runs away? That would be horrible. Those thoughts were quite scary to me. But in pornography, none of that exists. In pornography, I can find any woman, any image, anyone whom I think would have nothing to do with me. I can have something to do with her in my mind. Yes.
Before I got married, I had the idea that my craving for sex would be completely solved once I get married. Because once I get married, I’ll have a wife. We can have sex all the time, and this issue will be gone. One of the things about pornography is that you can see multiple images successively. But married to one woman, having sex with the same woman day after day is not the same. Sex is... supposed to be reserved for someone that I truly love, and someone who truly loves me. It’s a moment of intimacy. It’s a kind of connection, but pornography is completely against that. It’s about my... joy, my happiness, what I want. It has nothing to do with the needs of the woman who I’m supposed to love. And that created in me a desire to have an extramarital affair.
In hindsight... I lost all those years of intimacy I could have had with my ex-wife because that marriage eventually broke down. I went into internet chatrooms to find women. Eventually, the conversation would move to something gradually more sexual (in nature). (My ex-wife) eventually found out. She found out who I was having an affair with. At that time, she was still willing to forgive me. We still went for marriage counselling. But my heart wasn’t really wanting to reconcile because I felt like I wanted the freedom to meet other women and have sex with them. I felt like this ring on my finger was a chain on my neck. It denied me of the freedom and the life that I wanted to have. We had many fights. It was quite exhausting. And then eventually, she decided that we couldn’t go on like this anymore. That was the most painful moment because my ex-wife broke the news to (my children). “Mommy and daddy are going to be divorced.” Actually, at that moment when my ex-wife announced it to my kids, I felt no sadness like I am feeling now. I felt relieved. Both of my kids cried. They were just sobbing in the car. They couldn’t believe it. Only in hindsight, when I tried to rewind back to that day, stepping into the shoes of my children... did I realise how much I hurt them, how much I hurt my ex-wife. I have become a man who I never want my son to become. A man who I never want my daughter to marry. I did not protect them. In my selfish pursuit of my gratification, I put them in harm's way and became the one who dismantled the whole family.
No. It’s not something I want to do anymore because it has not done anything good for me. I don’t want it, but that doesn’t mean that I am not vulnerable to it. There were times when I was lonely or bored. During that time, I indulged in pornography. But because it’s not something that I want, I would try to pick myself up and try to wean myself from it again. I had to recognise that what I was doing was wrong. Because the message from my male friends from secondary school until adult life, even my male colleagues would say that there’s nothing wrong. Even having a little bit of marital affair, there’s nothing wrong. One of my friends says he told me, “As long as it’s not on his wife’s time. It is fine.”
It wasn’t until a year (after I became a Christian) when I went on a business trip to the United States of America (USA). I turned on the television in my hotel room. I chanced upon a channel of a pastor preaching. She was talking about fasting, and she said, “Fasting is not just only about food.” That struck me. Then I thought, okay, maybe I can fast from pornography. If you asked me at that time, “Teh Hsin, give up on pornography for the rest of your life.” I would immediately say, “No way. Get out of here. Don’t talk to me.” But the idea of fasting for a period of 30 to 40 days, I thought, “Yeah, maybe this is doable. It’s not the rest of my life.” I suddenly had this conviction in my heart. “Okay, I want to do this.” That night, I didn’t masturbate. The next night... Usually in hotel rooms, I’m quite vulnerable. I decided that I would read this book... I brought along several books. That whole week, I read different books. And sometimes I would spend more time out with my colleagues so that I don’t come back to the hotel room so early, such that I have too much (free) time. I survived the whole week, and that was the beginning. Then I completed a 40-day fast. I couldn’t believe it. I felt a... a sense of freedom I’ve never felt before. Because previously, I was thinking about sex all the time. And now my mind is free. I can think about other things. I can think about more meaningful things.
Then I began to think about what harm I had done to my first marriage. What did my kids feel... What did my ex-wife feel... because I had never thought about that. Earlier on, I blamed her. I blamed her because she was too busy. I used to blame her that she didn’t watch her weight, she wasn’t attractive. All those were excuses. My own seeking for sexual gratification resulted in an extramarital affair that destroyed the marriage, and I could not blame her. I asked for forgiveness. I wrote my ex-wife a letter and then I invited her out for lunch and admitted my wrongs. Same thing with both of my kids. I told them, “It’s not mommy’s fault, it’s my fault.” I know that my children have every right to not want to have a relationship with me anymore because I’m the one who caused them that pain. I don’t deserve it, and yet they gave it to me. My daughter... Last Sunday was my birthday. My daughter in the USA, she ordered a birthday cake, ordered some ice cream, and got it delivered to me. She went through all of that just because she remembers my birthday. I am very grateful that they still found room to maintain this relationship.
My current wife is very supportive. She knows... everything I’ve told you. Plus a lot more. (When) we became friends, she was the one who brought me to church. I became a Christian. I became a pastor. Unthinkable, actually. We were dating for a while. But I... felt that I should not marry her as long as I still have this addiction to pornography. Because I didn’t want to hurt her. Yes, very much so. This is in many ways a very shameful past. In many ways, maybe it’s better off not to talk about it. Not to let anyone know about it. The first time I shared with my church, I felt very uncomfortable. It was during one of our church camps before I became a pastor. Our pastor was preaching about lust. The destructive power of lust. The next day, on the final day of the church camp, he asked people to give (their) testimonies. I shared that testimony... of fasting. I felt funny because right after that was lunch break. We went to the buffet line and got our food. A few people came and thanked me for sharing that (testimony). Then the rest of them, I didn’t know what they were thinking. Maybe a few weeks later, he (my pastor) asked me if I’m willing to share with the male leaders in our church. And so I shared. After that, a few guys decided, “Okay, we need this.” “Why not start a men’s ministry?” “Where men can actually come to talk about our struggles.” That was the beginning of the men’s ministry. The men’s ministry is still running today. I think the first step of turning around is simply admitting my own fault. Opening up about my shameful past may cause people to not respect me, and I think that is fine. I don’t need people to respect me. I want people to know the truth. I want to learn so that I can learn to mature and grow as a man. My younger girl, who’s 11, when we’re walking through the shopping mall, if there are women models in bikini... like underwear stores, then she will block my eye and say, “Papa cannot look.” It’s kind of funny. Pornography affects many men. It would be helpful to find a community or a group of other men who are wanting to fight back against pornography addiction. They can encourage each other and walk towards freedom. I cannot imagine if I was still on the same path of... indulging in pornography. I would be a dirty old man. I probably would have ruined my relationship with my children.
[Producer] So do you like who you are now a lot more?
[Teh Hsin] Infinitely more, yes.