Transcription
Alrighty, boys. Welcome back to the channel.
Today, we've got a video called "Why Divorce Hurts Men Differently and What They Must Do to Heal." Once again, I always find it very rich coming from someone who is not a man and who has not experienced it. But let's jump into it.
For those of you who just want to watch her video without me interrupting, the video is linked in the video description as always.
"Hits men differently. And frankly, nobody's really talking about it. Men experience divorce differently than women for a few reasons. It's because he loses his partner and his primary emotional support, which is different for women. Society tends to expect men to man up and get over it. And men tend to isolate because they aren't socialized for emotional connection. There's five, maybe six different elements coming into play that make men experience divorce very differently than women, and it makes divorce a lot harder for men than women. include attachment patterns, social conditioning, isolation, nervous system dysregulation, loss of agency, and the loss of a primary emotional support system."
"Primary." Does not even. So once again, I'm going to be straight. I'm sure some of those things that psycho-babble stuff is true. The main thing that really hits men that she didn't even mention, she's a divorce coach for men. I'm sure she speaks to guys every day. Doesn't mention the fact that most of these divorces are done in very treacherous circumstances. It's not about losing the woman. In the short term, it is the long-term pain is not that. It is the realization that everything you thought the world was about when it came to relationships, when it came to commitments, it wasn't what you thought it was. You know, you've been left high and dry, rug-pulled.
And what happens to a lot of men, I'm going to say it's most men. It happens to some women, but most men, you get taken through the family court system. That is the most stressful experience that most men will go through in their entire life. It is a scary experience because you don't know what's going to happen to you. You might have been married for two years. You might have married for 10, 20, 30, 40, however old you are. You don't know what's going to happen to you because you know you're in a bad spot. Because most of the time, the men have been the ones who have been more responsible with money, have grinded their whole lives to provide, provision, whatever you want to call it, build wealth, think about tomorrow, you know, have a strategic plan. And the thanks that you get at the end of that, at the end of that period of provisioning is to be thrown on the street and to have your wealth that you've built up extracted from you ruthlessly, brutally, and done without any second thought about the impact it will have on the man. They don't give a stuff. Could not care less because they hide behind the fact that it's the law and that it's not just legalized theft, stealing a man's life's work. That's what it is.
So, a lot of guys get zeroed out. They have to take large amounts of debt, extra leverage, maybe on houses they've already paid off many years ago to buy women out of the house because a lot of men want to hold on to it. So you're left up to the neck on a house. You're buying it a second time at current day prices, the valuation in the market. And then you got to pay out hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not more, depending on what your station in life is, to a woman who wants to go and eat, pray, love, test the market. She was bored, became overly critical of you. You walked on eggshells for years. You didn't want to be in the house a lot of the time. And your reward for enduring that treatment is a robbery.
And a lot of people say life's not about money. Most men don't, you know, don't. Life shouldn't be about that. That's what makes the world go round. And I think it's more a reflection that they're not taking, or society doesn't take into consideration the time, the years of life effort, doing jobs, doing things you wouldn't want to do to build that wealth is gone in an instant. Boom. Gone.
So, you get guys then who they might have had everything set up. You might have had a home paid off. You might have had a, you know, a home that you've uh you might have recently bought. It might be a younger guy, but you thought you were starting to get set up, get a bit stable in life. And then all it takes is "I'm not happy" or "I want a divorce," and see you later to all of that. And a lot of the times, a lot of the reasons are not valid or logical from the male rational perspective. It's pure emotional hamstering from women, and they'll blow your whole life up for it.
Now, if you got kids, even worse. You're going to get dragged for even more. You're going to get dragged for, um, child support. You're more than likely going to have to pay spousal support. You get a lot of the time, if you don't get on with a woman or if you don't play nice and you have an acrimonious separation, you're going to, uh, you're going to have a hard time dealing with that woman with the kids, right? Like she's going to try and starve you of access to those kids because I know how much it hurts. Like very cruel type stuff. Or they'll poison the kid, uh, against the, the husband or the ex-husband and that, uh, that side of the family. Crazy stuff.
So, that's a lot of hurt. A lot of treacherous things are done. It isn't about, uh, men going through breakups and the woman goes and decides that she doesn't want to be just with him anymore. That's very hurtful, obviously, but that isn't what gets men. Like, you get on with life. You know, six, 12 months after a bad breakup, you move on. If you've been married for a significant amount of time, it's about the permanent destruction to your quality of life. And, and a lot of guys don't bounce back, don't have the means to bounce back. Uh, and it's very disheartening.
Guys, before I start the next part of the video, check out the locals linked in the video description and pinned comment. Running a promotion on it at the moment. You can join for free. So, just click the link, you can join up. You get one month for free. If you're not enjoying it, just cancel before the end of that month. You don't have to pay for anything. So, go check it out. Go support. If you don't want to join and do all of that, you can follow the channel for free. I do upload free content there from time to time. If you want to support the channel further, once again, there's the PayPal link if you want to do that. But most of all, guys, I appreciate you all just sharing this channel with your friends, getting it out there, and, and, and the channel growing. Let's continue.
"Emotional relationship. And it's the, it's all of these factors that make the suicide rates for men going through divorce four times higher than the general population."
[Music]
"If you're going through a divorce, especially a divorce that you didn't choose, you're feeling this deeper than anyone around you understands. And you're feeling it so intensely, not because you're weak, but because of how you're wired and how you're conditioned. There's two things happening on the surface level. One is that somewhere between 70 and 80% of divorces are filed by women."
"Isn't that an endorsement enough to really question why men are rush? They're still rushing in in large numbers to get married? Like I work in, uh, an environment where there's a lot of younger guys in their 20s, early 30s, makes up the vast majority of the workforce, and they're getting engaged and all this stuff all the time, walking lambs to the slaughter. All I say to him is, 'All right, best of luck, mate.' I can never say any of the things that I talk about on this channel in public, but you just shake your head because you think these guys have been programmed and they're so excited. They're so happy about it. They've been programmed to go and do these things without questioning any of the downsides, any of the potential damage that that can be done and is done to many men every single day all around this planet.
The thing about young guys as well, it's the ego of men. Happened to you because you're a loser. Uh, you got a small knob. You can't keep your missus happy. You don't enough. Whatever it is, it's never, it's never questioned that maybe it's not a great idea for most men. Some guys win. They have a great time. Most don't. No. The, that, that young guy, he knows better than you. Someone who might have 10, 20, 30 years more life experience and seen a lot of things happen and been through it yourself. Now, he knows better. It's not going to happen to him. But it's that, that's the reason it still happens. And while I'm not saying men should not do it, my message has always been be very careful who you do these things with because you pick a wrong person because a lot of people rush into it. They get engaged after six and 12 months. It all happens very quickly. There's no due diligence done. You haven't seen the real person. As I'm saying, if you pick that wrong person, you're going to have a bad time.
Even if you don't get a divorce, you're going to be living a life of walking on eggshells, someone who's worked out maybe one, two, three years into the marriage that doesn't really like you that much, lost interest in you, you're living in separate bedrooms, you're roommates, no sex. Everything you do gets, gets criticized. You're eating chips on the couch too loud and they're looking at you like they want to end your life over that. You're breathing. Oh, why are you breathing so loud in the house? Or you're walking around the house at night and they can hear your footsteps. Why are you walking around? Why you making so much noise? The list goes on. I'm making up examples here, but you guys will know what I'm talking about. That's the life that you get. And a lot of guys think that's what marriage is. You know, you take on the deal.
Now, once again, I'm not going to be one of those people that says all of them are bad. There are guys out there, uh, who meet someone who is measured and adds a lot of value. However, I think that would be quite rare and it has to be quite rare because there's just a lot of divorces and a lot of unhappy people behind closed doors. So any of you young guys or not even young guys, you guys out there who are still romanticizing the idea of what this marriage is all about, I think you need the rose-colored glasses smacked off your face because it will happen at one stage or another anyway."
"Which means that even if the divorce and the decision and the emotions are difficult for both parties, men don't have much agency. And that loss of agency, the sense, agency is the sense that you're in control of your life, that you have a say in what happens to you next. If you're going through a divorce you didn't want, you've lost that. I know so many men as a divorce coach for men, a lot of the guys I worked with have really fought valiantly to try to save the marriage. They have done everything they can to make it work and yet they're still getting divorced. So that loss of agency is crushing. And when humans lose agency, it naturally pushes our nervous system into a freeze mode. Freeze is what happens when we're being tortured, when we're being hurt and damaged and injured and we cannot fight back and we cannot flee. We can't get."
"That's the thing, and that's why a lot of women, this is my theory, and I think it's a very valid theory. Women are always looking for love, looking for more serious connections at all ages of their life. I'm not going to say all. I'm going to say a lot of them are because they just don't experience this. Don't experience the brunt of the law as she was saying, being not in control of anything. That's the hopelessness. That's what is a scary, scary proposition when you're going through the divorce. But these women, they move on, they get a big bag of money, they get some assets, they might get a house, they take a big chunk of your superannuation or your 401k, wherever you may live, your pension, and then they're off looking for their next purse, the next romance. So in their mind, like, 'Oh, well, we had 10 good years together or 20 good years together, but now I want to look for my person.' The internet's full of them. The dating apps are full of them. Women who have left men, destroyed men's lives for a lot of the time, no particular reason, apart from being bored, and now only two months, one month after, three months after, they're out there getting cheeks clapped, uh, trying to lock down some another idiot to sign up to the deal. And there's plenty of idiots out there.
I only know one woman ever. One woman ever who has gone through what many men go through from a divorce perspective. Like she's a very hard worker. Uh, and she did all the right things and worked multiple jobs and all this stuff grinding like a very, very hard worker. Saved a bunch of money. Bought some investment property, then bought another one and bought another one and just started building some real significant wealth. And, uh, yeah, she married a guy who wasn't good with money. He had no money. He came with debt. So, it's more or less complete role reversal. Things haven't worked out. And, yeah, now she's, um, having a bad time because he's, he's basically acting like, uh, how the women do, right? He's going for the money. He won't accept anything. He wants more, more. So I, I doubt she would be trying to line up very quickly for that situation again. But the point I'm trying to make is that is very rare, and that's why they're out. Always, always looking for the next sucker.
One thing I forgot to mention before, guys, is I'm still doing the Calendly phone calls. So check the link out as well. It's in the pinned comment video description. Reduces the price significantly to make it more accessible for you guys who want to chat about anything you want. And I've been speaking to a lot of you recently, and it's been really great to connect with the audience. So check that out in the video description as well."
"Away when you lose agency in a divorce, that's what's happening in your nervous system and it's terrifying. It makes you feel helpless and powerless. Another surface level, um, part of this is that most men have one primary bond in their life, one primary relationship, and that's their spouse. Women, because of social conditioning, tend to maintain more emotionally supportive relationships in their lives. So even when they lose a spouse, there are other relationships that they can fall back on, other people that they are emotionally connected and bonded to."
"And that's a good point. She makes a really good point about that. What generally happens with men, not all men, but a lot of men, they get into relationships and they drop all their mates. You guys know the one I'm talking about. You guys know the guys. My best mate does it. He does it all the time. You know, he disappears into a black hole whenever he gets a girl, and I don't see or hear from him for two or three months beyond a couple of texts. Then that falls over, and then he's back. He wants to hang out. He wants to, you know, have a beer. He wants to do all these things all the time. Then another girl comes along, disappears, right? This is what most people do. Most men will do. Uh, there's a reason for it. A lot of the time, especially early on in relationships, women want the guy's time. They want to be with the guy all the time in his spare time, and therefore he doesn't have any time for friends. Uh, then when things get more progressed and if she becomes familiar with friends, familiar with family members as well, a lot of the times they take a disliking to them. It's either out of jealousy or out of just not liking someone. Someone said something once that she didn't like. That's it. She doesn't want to go and go to their events anymore. Doesn't want you hanging out with that friend. And if you go and hang out with that friend, then you're going to hear all about it. You guys know what I'm talking about. So, guys end up with, uh, basically an isolation.
And then what happens? Things fall over. They go through one of the toughest times in their life because that's a divorce is that there's no question about it. You're going to go through some serious pain for a multitude of reasons, and you don't have, or many men don't have, relationships or friendships that they've maintained where you know you got people you can rely on and catch up with and talk to about your hard time you're going through and feel like you're supported. You're not alone. And also in saying that too, I mean, the reality of this world is men don't like talking about that stuff a lot of the time. Like they'll sit there and they'll listen to a guy pouring his heart out a bit over a beer. But there comes a point where I think men have enough of it where women like to stew and hear all the details and rehash things and talk about things and eventually they work their way through it. Either men don't want to talk about it, or they do and no one wants to listen to them. So that's why guys suffer a lot."
"Most men don't have that outside their relationship with their spouse. And they might, especially if things haven't been good for some years in the marriage. You might not even have that emotional support system with your spouse. You might not have felt like you could be truly honest, vulnerable, break down emotionally in front."
"You can't. And I'm stopping this quite a bit because I'm not here for her video, but she's just giving me a lot of ammunition here. Guys, put in the comments if you have been vulnerable. Uh, you might have been pensive. You might be quiet. You got things on your mind. You're having a hard time. You know, you, you're hating your job or you're hating your boss or there's something at work that's making your life hard. Maybe you're worried about money. Whatever other factors, a hundred other things that can stress a man out that's on your mind that you're constantly thinking about, playing over. And you go and she sits there and she's picking at you. She wants to know what's wrong. She wants you to open up. And then finally you do. Then the response is, uh, I would say for most guys who do end up opening up, it's going to be very underwhelming. It's a game for them. They want the man to open up. They want to open up that treasure chest because it's a challenge. But then once they are dealing with a man who's dropping some baggage on them, 'Oh, you know, my boss is riding me and I'm stressed. I don't want to go to work because, you know, every time I go there, I feel sick because I'm under so much pressure,' or whatever, whatever things are happening. Instant weakness. You're showing weakness. And I know that a lot of people will say, 'G man, you are spreading toxic masculinity because men should be able to talk.' And that's why there's a lot of mental health issues in men, and that's why men end themselves. I'm just talking pure facts here. Every time I've done it, I've been met with, at very most, the best circumstance, a lukewarm response. But you just, they're just not made for that. They want to feel like they their man is strong. He's under control. They're the ones that need the constant reassurance, the constant emotional support from a, from a man. They don't want to be doing that to a dude. That's why you'll hear a lot of stories about, uh, a man gets unwell. He might not be working anymore. Then all of a sudden, that, that woman, she's got to take on the leadership role. And if that, you know, it might be okay for a couple of months or whatever, but eventually, they don't want to do that. So they'll drop the dude at his most vulnerable point."
"Of her in these last few years, there are some deeper mechanisms going on as well. If you think back on the evolutionary history of humans, for most of human history, men had a lot of really strong male relationships. They hunted, they fought with their brothers, their uncles, their extended family, their community, their tribe. Most men don't have that sense of deep male community where they can count and rely on one another. And I, I think this is why, you know, I work with quite a few military veterans. Um, and I think this is why some of those, the, the military lifestyle is actually really appealing to a lot of men because you get that brotherhood, that 'I'm there for you. I have my, I have your back. I would die for you' kind of male relationship that most men in our modern society completely lack. Right? Instead, they have buddies that they hang out with, they watch the ball game with, maybe they drink some beers, but there's not this deeper emotional safety, connection, bonding that for most of human history, men have really relied on for their emotional support.
Men are also having to live through childhood conditioning that tells men not to feel deep emotion and if they feel it to hide it. Right? Men are told things from the"
"I've never been told that by anybody. You just learn it. That's why I find it's very interesting. You know, once again, maybe she's out here helping a bunch of men who are struggling, but how can she even know? Because she's not a man and she hasn't been through these sorts of things from the male perspective. So, it's all theory. It's like me sitting there and saying, 'This is why men aren't doing enough housework and this is why women are getting emotionally upset at men,' and for me to be talking through the experience. I have no idea what goes on in the mind of a woman. That's my only critique of this particular video. I've never once been told, 'Don't say anything.' You learn over time. You might be vulnerable, and it is not a good feeling if you do share something with someone and they dismiss it. 'Oh, you'll be right. What are you worried about? You'll be fine.' You guys know what I'm talking about. You, when you wanted to actually someone to talk to about something, not just, 'Oh yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. You'll be good. Let's talk about something else.'
"From the time they're little children to man up and be strong and don't cry and don't be a girl and don't be a, and men are often rejected, judged, scorned if they show fear or grief. And so, so many men get so good at suppressing and shutting down those emotions, which means that they don't feel truly emotionally safe with anybody. But the only person that they feel even a little emotionally safe with is their spouse. And part of that is about oxytocin. Oxytocin is the neurotransmitter of human bonding. It's what makes us feel loved and loving. And it gets released in a couple of different ways, but one of the ways that oxytocin gets released is through physical touch. Um, even hugging somebody for 20 to 30 seconds causes a release of oxytocin in both people. Well, men get a lot of oxytocin through sex. And if they're not having emotional intimacy outside of sex, for a lot of men, they can't have emotional intimacy outside of sex because they get judged and scorned and ridiculed. Um, I've even had guys tell me where their therapist told them that they needed to man up and go out and get laid. There's other fish in the sea. It's a matter of receiving all of this messaging that their emotions really are insignificant. They shouldn't be sh"
"I mean, there is truth to that. There is truth to that. As they say, the best way to get over someone is to get someone else under you, if you know what I mean. It does work. Now, I'm not saying it might work right away or be a permanent fixture, but definitely that dopamine hit to the brain, that, uh, increase in confidence that you get from being able to pull that off does a world of good for a man's mental health, uh, and self-esteem. So, it does. There is truth to it. Now, is it the be all and end all? What generally what happens is when guys go out, uh, dating and stuff like that after they've had a bad time, they, they just, just as bad as women, right? They're going out straight into the dating market the next day after the divorce or separation or a week or two trying to find validation. Women do it for different reasons. Men go and try and get validation. And they want to prove to themselves that they could still, you know, women still want them, or even at the very least, they want to get some action because they haven't had any for two years before the split. I've done it three times or 10 times. But really, a lot of men go, they go chasing validation, and that's how they end up very quickly getting speed-run by lower quality women when they're vulnerable. Then once again, they end up in a situation again.
So, one of the only places where they can have that the deep intimacy and connection that releases oxytocin is through sex. While you're married, who are you having sex with? Your wife. Right? So again, she becomes the one person."
"I mean, I don't know who, who actually was. What's the old joke though? What's the old joke? If you, every time, uh, when you're first in a relationship, every time you have action, put a, what is it? A penny or a 20 cent coin in a, in a jar. It'll fill up pretty quick. Now, every time after you're married and every time you have action, take one of those coins out. You're never going to empty that jar. It's true. What's this presumption that men are getting all this action? Now, I'm going to get some guy in the comments that says, 'I don't know what you're talking about, G man. I bang my wife four times a day.' Well, good luck to you, mate. I don't believe you, but good luck to you if you are doing it. That just isn't what happens. Also, it isn't guys. It isn't always guys that are chasing women and the woman doesn't want to have sex with them. Think about Al Bundy. Like, Peg's, Peg's pretty hot. Yeah, you, I'd be up that like a rat in a drain pipe, Peggy. Especially back in the '90s and '80s. Al doesn't want a bar of it. She's trying to get him into the bedroom. He doesn't want to go. He wants to watch his football game. That's, that's, that's what happens. How many times can you put away the same woman and be excited about it? Think about it. Now, some guys, they, they always at full, full mast, so to speak. The MCM is always ready for action with the same woman. But if you've been a guy who previous to being married had a lot of variety, uh, doing all sorts of things, bang bus reenactments, all that sort of stuff, and then you get married and you have married sex, you lose interest in that pretty quick because it's not very exciting. That's just my opinion.
And in your life where you feel the neurologic, the physical, the emotional, the evolutionary sense of safety, security, and emotional bonding. The end result is that your nervous system recognizes one safe person in the world, and it was your wife, and now she's gone. And maybe she's actually been kind of gone for a while. Maybe she hasn't felt very safe to you in a while if she's been withdrawing, if she's been lashing out. Uh, so men are feeling very, very isolated and alone as they go through the separation. I think most men are alone in marriage. You know, as much as I get a few people call me an incel or bitter and jaded or whatever, but the reality is most men are feeling very alone in their lives, even if they've got the wife, because all they're doing is you go to bed, you wake up in the morning, you put your clothes on, you go to work to mostly a job you don't like, then you come home. The environment a lot of the time isn't great. You might be getting criticized. Every little thing you do is getting criticized. You take one plate. You take a plate out of the dishwasher and put it into a certain section in the drawer. 'Oh, no, no, no. What are you doing? That isn't where it goes. Don't you listen to me. Why don't you listen? You always, you never learn. The cups go here and the bowls go here and the plates go here.' It's all this sort of stuff. So, you go to work every day. Most people are going to work jobs they don't really love. They might be tolerating them. Some people love their work. If that's you, good luck to you. They're going to do jobs just to get the money, and then they want to come home and have peace, but they walk into drama and chaos. Especially if you're going through that stage of things where things are going downhill. That woman just doesn't like you. She's already switched off on you. A lot of guys, they realize it's happened. They're like, 'Oh god, she's being a bit cold or she's being a real, I hope things get better. It'll blow over.' Guys are just walking from one show to another. And I was talking about this guy all the time. I got a guy I know who I used to work with, and I was only speaking to him recently. He said the best time of his day is when he's in the car on the way to work and on the way home. He has about an hour each way in traffic. He listens to the radio. He listens to podcasts. He calls his mates up. He has a laugh. It's his time. It's his time where he's not being interrupted, uh, or something's not expected of him. He's not on duty. That's the life of a married man."
"And divorce process. This is also why a lot of the advice that's out there for men doesn't work very well. There's a lot of, uh, videos and even therapists or coaches who are telling men they need to move on, put themselves out there, start dating, get really buff and fit and strong and build their confidence, distract themselves, start new hobbies. And all of those kind of surface level fixes, they don't work because your nervous system is still feeling like you lost the one safe person, your one chance."
"I think she's way off on this one. This is very effeminate and she doesn't understand men. But going to the gym and I'm saying getting buff, going and self-improvement, doing self-improvement initiatives, uh, setting yourself goals, setting yourself a financial goal, career goal, something to chase, especially when you're down and out. That will make your life feel a lot more better, especially when you start progressing towards that goal instead of sitting around in the house worrying about your nervous system and not doing anything about it. That's why I say these coaches just don't get men. Yes, men hurt. Uh, men hold on to things for a very long time. A lot of men hurt for a very long time because they don't do anything to improve their life and situation. And that's not a jab. It's just the truth. They sit around, they end up becoming hermits and drinking beers and smoking cigarettes and going to work and coming home and doing all that. They go the other way. Their life goes into a negative, goes into a tailspin of bad choices, right? So being better, go, you know what? I'm not going to let this get me. It's a hard time. I'm going to work through it, but I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go walking. I'm going to go running. Whatever it is, I want to learn a new skill. I'm going to try and advance in my career. Now, I've got the time and energy and focus. I'm not drained all the time dealing with women. I might go and study. Whatever it is, that will get you past it. When I, when I was in the depths of it, I wasn't the kind of guy who sat around and moped around. I was in the gym. I was out walking. I was out making a strategy and a plan and a financial budget and all these sorts of things to get myself back on track because I've been there like a lot of other guys have. I've been in that hole. What do you do? You, you, you claw your way out. Otherwise, you just sit in it. You claw your way out. You climb out of it. It's like if you've seen Batman. What's that, the most recent one? The Dark Knight Rises. You know the guy Bane, and he's been thrown down into that prison, and you, the only way to get out is to be able to jump up and cling onto the bricks and then get out. That's what you got to do, man. Otherwise, you get stuck in the hole there.
Anyway, that's me trying to be motivational. I'm going to leave it there, guys. If you want to watch her video and learn a bit more about your nervous system, your central nervous system damage, uh, the links in the video description and pinned comment. Once again, guys, you've made it to the end. If you want to check out the locals, that supports my work, keeps me independent, and, um, also check out if you want to have a call. Thank you very much. See you tomorrow."