Transcription
I've been struggling with writing this podcast for some time because I really love women. Because I really, really want to reach out to my less experienced self and guide her to where I am today, only a lot faster and with fewer hang-ups. I want to speak to women who think they are not dominant. I want to speak to the women for whom what Miss Pearl calls "comp sub" is their current reality.
"Comp sub" is based on the term "comp het," or compulsory heterosexuality. The idea that heterosexual is the expected default, and that if you are a woman, it's assumed that you will be attracted to men. It's just assumed that you'll have to try it out first before realizing that men aren't for you. The same is true for most women who find their way to BDSM. Some women know they might be a little kinky but think that naturally means being submissive.
I also really want to speak to the wives of some really amazing submissive men who say their partners just aren't interested or may even be put off by their submission. I want to ask you ladies, really, and if so, what's turning you off about it and why? I want to discover why you're saying no to the thing that has made my life so incredibly fulfilling, because truth be told, I find men like your partners so deliciously appealing and sexy when they open up to me about how their minds work. And I'd like to understand you too. Do you know what I know about submissive men? And if not, would you like to know?
Today, I'm talking to the ladies. You submissive guys can listen in. And if you know a woman who would benefit from hearing me, please pass this podcast along. Hello.
[Music]
And you're listening to Obedient Love. Now, I have several current goals which are beginning to propel my entire life forward. One, I want submissive men to know that they are appreciated and loved just as they are, and that there are women who will cherish them if they learn how to look for them. Two, I would like to bring dominant women together to slough off any feelings of competition in which the patriarchy has us entangled, and work together and learn from each other. I want real community with women in the lead as collaborators and masterminds. And third, I want to reach out to women who are trapped in what Kasia Urbaniak refers to as "good girl conditioning." That is, you're stuck in the fear of your own power and afraid to be seen as dominant. I want to dispel misconceptions about female-led relationships and help couples find their groove. It's a tall order, I know. But here I am, doing what I can in my short time left on the planet. As I wrote this, "Little Sims Song" was playing in the background, and one of my favorite lines came up: "Woman to woman, I just want to see you glow."
First, welcome to my world. I'm glad you're here. Come in, sit down, relax. Hear me out for a bit. I'm pushing 50, and I've found the kind of happiness I've been searching for. It took a lot of learning and unlearning to get here. I'm a Gen X woman, wedged in the forgotten generation between boomers and millennials. From this unique vantage, I have a good view of both the past and the future when it comes to gender relations. We Gen Xers bridge the gap between two very different eras. Folks on one hand are blurring and even abolishing gender itself, while others are trying to get back to what they feel is normal or hold tightly to the gender roles that they grew up with. The new comfort zone of some is the total discomfort zone of others. But I'm sure if you've been paying attention, you're noticing the ever-accelerating shifts, the backlash to those shifts, and a whole world full of both possibility and uncertainty, depending upon how you look at it.
Women are not my typical demographic. My podcast is typically made for submissive men, because I think submissive men are strong men. I think they're brave men, and I think they make the world a better place because of that. I want to help them find authenticity and happiness in their lives. But right now, I want to reflect on why you may have found me. Some of you have a partner who has discovered he has a submissive nature. He's told you a lot about his fantasies and his kinks, and you just don't understand it all, or it sounds really unappealing. You love him, and he loves you, but this side of him confuses and or annoys you. And not to mention, it sounds like a lot more effort for you in the relationship. Effort to please him and cater to his fantasies, while there's not much in it for you. And being a woman, it may already seem like you're the one who always is expected to bend and compromise and work on this thing, right?
Some of you may know you're kinky and you've only been able to explore submission because, let's face it, that's pretty easy. Lots of men have no problem dominating a woman, and you don't have to fight against established gender norms. Even the most conservative folks can understand you. If anything, you need only embrace the typical with excessive enthusiasm. And if you're anything like me when I was young, you think to yourself, "This is where I find my power to be seductive and sexual and desired. I just submit and they come running. If I objectify myself in the ways that they objectify me, I get all the attention in the world. I'm wanted." Admit it, that feels really good. If you can't beat them, join them, right?
Or maybe you're beyond that point entirely, and you've come to the conclusion that all this kinky play is just male fantasy. None of it caters to you and what you want, and therefore, you roll your eyes at it. "Just boys trying to get off, as usual." I mean, maybe you don't even really know what you want. No one has really cared all that much, so you haven't had a chance to explore the idea. Maybe you've gotten to a point where sex is a chore, and you can barely get yourself interested anymore. It's nice to feel that closeness, and orgasms are certainly cool, but it's just a lot of negotiation to get there. It's not much fun. I know these women because I've been them at various stages in my life. So please understand, if any of that sounded like you, I can relate 100%. And woman to woman, I just want to see you glow.
So let's talk about what it's like to be a woman. First, from the time we're in the womb and our parents stage that gender reveal, our gender is set apart. First, we get more eye-to-eye gaze time as babies, which advances our emotional development, and that's good. But from day one, people judge us for how we are rather than what we do. Boys are judged more on actions rather than attitudes and personal qualities. As girls, we're judged on things like, "Are we pretty? Are we agreeable? Are we cooperative?" We're faced early on with what women's power coach Kasia Urbaniak calls "good girl conditioning." It goes way back to when we had to marry in order to survive, because let's face it, up until the 1970s, we were not even allowed to have our own bank accounts without a man. Being marriageable meant being pleasant, non-abrasive, and it certainly meant you had to avoid seeming as if you were demanding or domineering. Lower maintenance women were more likely to find a mate. Being sweet and nurturing with a willingness to work hard with no pay, keeping the household running, meant that you made a better wife and mother.
Now, don't get me wrong. Being sweet and kind and nurturing and even agreeable, these are great qualities. But they've been so heavily enforced over generations that it's become a handicap for women. We no longer have to marry in order to survive, or even have kids if we want them. And yet, our mothers still cultivated those marriageable qualities in their daughters. So we apologize for speaking up to get what we want, and often we even apologize for wanting anything in the first place. We selflessly deal with bad sex or neglectful men because that's the way women who came before us did it. But now we're starting to wake up, aren't we? At least many of us are. Regardless, these qualities that may have served our great-grandmothers still seem like the right way to be, even if it means we're in a state of constant compromise.
But "viola, compromise is good," I hear you say. And yes, maybe to a point. On small issues, that's what we're always taught to do, isn't it? Compromise the life right out of our relationships. But inject enough compromise into any relationship, and you'll have two very unhappy people, always thinking that they're sacrificing in order to make the other person happy. Meanwhile, both are unsatisfied and unfulfilled. It's a lose-lose situation. Compromise is almost never a win-win. If it is, it's not real compromise. It's always, "I'll give up something I want as long as you give up something you want." No one should have to live like that when real fulfillment is within your reach.
And as a result of all of this, when the idea of us dominating is on the table, we can feel awkward or scared. It's so far outside the behavior that we've been taught makes us a good woman, or even a good person, that some of us will balk or back away. We're trained to judge one another for being a [ __ ] when we put ourselves first. And that's not even beginning to scratch the surface of how we are trained from childhood to understand men. Society tells us men are supposed to take charge, and whether we can consciously see and acknowledge it or not, we're trained to trust in their authority over that of ourselves or other women. We're less likely to contradict a man, even when we know we're right. We're conditioned to be careful of their egos and not do anything that might humiliate them, otherwise their manliness will be questioned, they'll be seen as weak and pathetic, and we'll be seen as undesirable ball busters.
And herein lies many women's objection to submissive men. They don't want to see their partner as weak. They want to feel protected and held by their man, and know he would be there for them in any situation. Heterosexual women tend to like manliness, and we're taught that manliness should look a certain way. A man's the doer, he gets [ __ ] done, and when he wants something, he goes for it. Action is the realm of manliness. So I just want you to step back for a second and ask yourself, are you simply following your gendered conditioning, going with the patriarchal flow, or are you making a real choice?
I don't know how many of us stop and think about the kind of immense pressure all of this puts on some men who do want to be manly and desirable to women, but who don't fit the acceptable mold. Held up against the judgment of women and other men constantly, men commit suicide twice as often as women. And much of it is feeling that overwhelming pressure of being the successful doer, focused always on outward action, their inward lives being completely devalued or ignored.
So let me share my observations about submissive men. First, what's the submissive man? Is it just a guy who wants to be spanked and told he's a worm? I mean, yeah, some of them are like that. The self-centered ones, mostly just want someone to cater to their kinky fantasies. I call those guys bottoms, but they aren't necessarily submissive. Submissive men, deep down, want a woman to take control and lead them. And if that strays from the fantasy in their head, they're fine with it, as long as they get to feel totally commanded by you. And no, there is nothing wrong with them. They are not psychologically damaged just because they're submissive. They were not necessarily abused or neglected as children, and even if they were, that's not usually the reason why they're submissive. It's just who they are. It's simply a personality trait that some men have and some don't, regardless of their history or background.
There are as many types of submissive men as there are men. Some are big teddy bears, while others are stoic, muscular warriors. Some are more sensitive and femme and prefer a domestic life, and others will pride themselves on being a real leader in their work life. Some are refined, sharp dressers with impeccable manners, and others are more primitive and need you to teach them how to behave in civilized company. The only thing they really have in common is that their submissiveness is a part of their identity, and it's a key aspect of their sexuality.
I talk to submissive men daily, my own and others. They write hundreds of pages of journals in my classes. They have incredibly rich inner lives. These are sophisticated, highly evolved men. They have the guts it takes to acknowledge their submission in a world that judges them harshly for it. They can be powerfully aware of themselves and always strive to improve themselves, not just for their own sake, but for you as well. And there is almost nothing they won't do for a woman who takes control. Making them feel controlled and dominated will inspire them to behave in any way that pleases you. You need only explicitly acknowledge that you're the boss. They will be so turned on and feel so seen as their authentic selves that they won't be able to say no to any request.
If you're with a submissive man, you have the key to the ultimate doting partner. Take command, and you'll eliminate arguments. You'll flip the switch that makes you the center of his existence and makes your pleasure and comfort his life purpose. You want him to be ultra masculine and go chop wood and repair your car? If he doesn't know how, he'll learn, just for you. Want him to stand up for you and protect you? He'll be your knight in shining armor, bowing down to his queen in private and supporting your every move in public. Would you prefer that someone do all the laundry and cook dinner? He'll follow your directions if you just show him what to do. Domestic service, coming right up. Are you tired of being bothered by him wanting sex more often than you? You decide when and how to have sex, how often he's allowed to masturbate, and even keep him in chastity if you want. Have a few dozen orgasms before he ever gets one, or take sex off the table entirely for as long as you want. Want more sex, or you want some variety? You could even cuckold him and take other lovers, and he'll remain faithful and 100% devoted. It's really all up to you.
Have you ever experienced what it's like to be the one who gets what you want, when you want it? If not, I suggest you give it a try. It can be very intoxicating, and you can still remain nurturing and gentle if you wish. Domination is not going to take away from your femininity. In fact, coming into the powerful feminine will make you feel like a goddess. This is not about becoming more like a man. It's about finding the strength of the kind of feminine that a man is entranced by, a feminine that is holy and authentically yours. Does that mean you have to dress up like a dominatrix or wear high heels and corsets and latex? Absolutely not, unless that makes you feel sexy and it makes you feel good about yourself. You are totally free to maintain who you are in every way. You want him to worship you, not some role that you play. And if you want, as a treat, you can dig into his kinky fantasies. If you still want to find ways to please your partner because it comes naturally to you and you love and adore him, then you can experiment with costumes, with new activities he may have mentioned that he wants to try, with taking things as far as your imagination allows.
When I first started doing sadistic acts like flogging and caning, I was scared shitless. I thought the men would come back and say that I'd really messed them up. I thought they'd hate me afterwards. I liked these guys, why would I ever want to hurt them? Right? I felt a twinge of guilt for beating another human being. But as I watched their reactions, a closed circuit of pleasure developed between us. Seeing their eyes glaze over as they went deep into subspace really turned me on, and my definition of sex and eroticism expanded in whole new directions. I found it was a place of infinite creativity for me, an art. And I could tell I was freeing them in ways that they'd always dreamed of. I was giving them a gift, something they'd longed for their whole lives, and that felt really good. Once I paired that with getting all of my needs met with enthusiasm, I never looked back.
If you're with a submissive man, I have to warn you. Submissiveness is not something that these men can make disappear. Once they understand it in themselves, it's never going away. They may try, but that often makes it come back even stronger, with more of a desperate quality. It's not necessary to survive, but imagine you love chocolate more than any other flavor in the world, and someone tells you you can never taste chocolate again. You'd find yourself either depressively resigned to that fact, or fantasizing about it incessantly for the rest of your life. Sex therapists know that submissiveness is a type of sexual orientation, like being gay or bi. No matter what desires you act on, even if you suppress sexual submissiveness, it's a part of who you are. It's always there. You'll never really stop wanting it, no matter what you do. All you can do is try to get your needs met as ethically and openly as possible.
So if you think you can change your submissive partner and make him more dominant, the truth is, he may act dominant to please you, but he'll have to do some massive mental gymnastics to make that fulfilling for him. In his mind, he's still serving your needs and wants. So why not make it explicit? Why not get what you want and frame it in a way that his submissiveness is honored and his true self appreciated openly? If you want to be taken and [ __ ] hard, tell your submissive tonight, "You're my sex slave, and I want you to [ __ ] me with everything you've got." Want a session of sweet, connected lovemaking? Tell him to indulge you, take his time, and focus on connection. You don't have to give up anything you like by being dominant. You get to have more of it, and better than ever. All you have to do is insist on getting what you want, and he'll fall in line.
There's a man out there who craves giving you the world and doing everything you want to him, and he can be as masculine as you want him to be, or not. He's longing for a woman to put him in his place and keep him there. He would drown in joy if you would just grab him by the scruff of the neck and tell him what to do. He'll go through hell and high water for you. You can have and do whatever your heart desires with him, or to him, and he'll love you forever for it. So what are you waiting for?
As I said, I have found real, lasting happiness with submissive men. I see them as highly evolved and conscious beings who deserve affection. So, in an effort to continue this conversation, share with me your own specific objections to female-led relationships. And if you feel like you prefer a more dominant man, is that a choice you've made consciously, or are you following what you've been taught is appropriate and right? Are you bound to "good girl conditioning," as Kasia Urbaniak says, afraid to seem too demanding, or not even knowing what you really want? And if it can eliminate the pains of compromise, why not take control and get what you want instead of hanging on to a model of manhood that's fast becoming outdated and depressive? What do you really think? Please reach out and comment. I really want to know.
And as always, if you want to explore your domination and you could use some coaching, my door is always open to women at no cost. Ask me anything you want to know. All right, I'm looking forward to your responses and thanks for listening.