Transcription
Most people think that a narcissist always comes back, but that's not actually true. And I know I've said that in a few videos, but I'm revisiting what I have said. There is one moment when the narcissist can be 100% forever done with you. And if you don't understand why, you could completely misread what is really happening.
Hello, my friends. My name is Anuschka, and I have been working in mental health for over 11 years. I've been on YouTube for quite some time making videos on recovery and helping you to rise above narcissistic abuse. And one of the biggest myths on the internet is that narcissists always come back. But while many do, that isn't always the case. There are circumstances where a narcissist can genuinely, genuinely completely be finished with you. But here is what most people don't actually understand. It's really because suddenly they have found the light. They have healed. They have become healthy. They found someone else. They found closure. Or they stopped being narcissistic. It's because something has fundamentally changed in the dynamic between the two of you. And in today's video, I'm going to explain why this happens. And why this moment is incredibly painful can actually become your own turning point for recovery.
Understanding the narcissist is only the beginning, my friends. Real work is rebuilding the version of yourself, becoming stronger in yourself, seeing this for what it really is, leveling up your mindset, seeing through the fog. Basically, you'll get to a place where you no longer need answers from them. This is where I can actually help you. You have two options here. And if you want to understand a little bit deeper, I do have one-to-one consultations available. Please see the description box below for more details. Or if you want to do something more long-term, and something that is like more community-based, you've got to join the daily rituals club. All the details are in the description box. We've got journals, we've got mindset prompts, we've going live in there, we've got workbooks, things that will help you move forward. See the description box.
Okay, so let's start with the idea of the return. Many narcissists, I have to say, they do return. They do come back, and this is what I've always said, you know, over on. But, essentially, what I mean when they're coming back, this isn't because suddenly they have fallen in love with you all over again. Suddenly, they want to be with you, and this is going to be the most amazing fairy tale relationship. Or suddenly, they've realized the error of their ways, and they want to come back in and make it nice for you, like want to make it up to you. This isn't about that. This is about to regain control, to regain access to you. And why is this so important for them? Well, it's important because someone who wants to gain access to you, they want something from you. You provide them with something that they need or they want. The other reason why they may be coming back is because supply failed. Uh believe it or not, like it does happen. It They've chosen someone, and someone maybe has realized who they are, what they're doing. It doesn't always work out for them with the new supply. So, that could be another reason. So, they come back to try their luck with you. Um and the other bit is maybe, you know, they need they need validation. They need your energy, they need your uh approval, emotional approval, if you want to look at it like that. But, ultimately, you know what, my friends? They're coming back because it's all about them. It None of this is about you. None You Do you know what what? when they think of you, it's not like oh sentimental like oh my god, they're amazing. They're so great. They're coming back for you, okay, simply for their own reasons.
So, there is an issue here. It's cuz it's all about them. But, the thing is there is going to be one situation where a narcissist will believe that they are 100% done with you. I'm going to make a bold statement here. The narcissist doesn't leave because they stop loving you. Because narcissists don't operate from secure attachment. They will leave because you no longer give them what they want. So, in layman's terms, that's like you stop giving the supply. You stop conforming. You stop doing what they have what they want you to do or what you've always done before, you stop doing that. Because you've leveled up. You've seen that this is something else. You You could have um understood and seen and reached your threshold and you think now I know I'm just Do you know what? I am done. I am not doing this anymore. And good for you. Good for you. You've seen it for what it really is and it's too much. And the thing is you've become too difficult to manipulate. They can't run their stories on you. They can't make you feel something emotional. Okay, so you're you They can't manipulate you anymore. The fantasy that they had projected onto you has collapsed. It's different. It's gone. It's not what it was. It's changed. Cuz you see you see the truth now. And because of that, they see that there's nothing left to gain. And that's where the problem lies. There's nothing left for them here. As you can see, this is not a relationship. This is not a secure attachment. That is not what is playing out here. There are many different variables, and this is where a narcissist the way that they are, as manipulative, as nasty as they are, they are clever. They know that they have got no future in this. And that is why a narcissist isn't asking, "Do I love this person?" They're asking, "Can I still get what I need from this person?"
So, this is the one thing that makes them walk away forever. A narcissist will always leave or walk away when they believe they have lost control over you forever. Okay? I can vouch for this because this is true. It happened to me. My ex-relationship same thing. I started talking about narcissism on YouTube. So, he could never He could never challenge me on that. What could he do? He couldn't come back because he knew that I knew. So, what he did do to punish me is try to take the YouTube channel down. Oh my god, twice he tried. And he done good. Like, he All right. He tried hard. He done good. But he didn't take. It wasn't taken down. That what happened 2 years ago, that was cuz it was hacked, but that was There's no way that was him. He ain't that clever. But honestly, when they can't have any control I started talking about narcissism on YouTube, so there was no way that he could control me anymore. I knew what it was about. And when you get that strength, when you see the truth, you They They know. They know the game is up cuz you stop defending yourself. You stop chasing the closure, and you no longer react emotionally. And the thing is, these things aren't easy because I I get it. I know. It's not easy because it still hurts. I'm not going to lie to you. Like even when I was doing all this, yeah, it was still triggering me. Yeah, it was still hurting me. And I'm sure it's going to be doing the same to you. It's going to It's going to hurt. It's going to be upsetting. You're going to shed tears. You're not going to sleep at night every night. But at the end of the day, what you got to do is you is understand that you're saving yourself. You're saving your future, your life, your soul. And they realize that there's no more supply left to extract from you. You know. And that is why they don't come back.
But please don't confuse this with healing. Do you think that my ex narc has healed? I can categorically tell you no, they haven't. They haven't even attempted. Mine never came back just so that you guys know. He never came back. There were attempts at trying to get to me, but it wasn't about um it wasn't about getting back into some sort of something cuz he knew. He knew that I knew. Well, it was very public. The thing is when a narcissist leaves forever, this isn't about them healing, about them understanding the error of their ways, that they've changed, that they're suddenly becoming self-aware. Their absence isn't proof of growth. What they're doing is they're cutting their losses and they realize that they cannot get what they need from you anymore. It's It's done. It's There's no point of them returning because at the end of the day, they're not going to embarrass themselves. They're not going to sit there and proclaim this love that they have for you, okay, which is again not true. The love is the actual control. They're not going to say that or do that. The What they're going to do is realize that they can't run their game on this person anymore. You're too aware. You're too clever. You've leveled up. you've reached your threshold. They've pushed it, okay? And And the thing is, what you have to remember, okay, is that when they get into a relationship with you, they know that you're going to reach this point. They know with everyone who they start something with, that person is going to reach this point. So, they know that when that individual reaches their threshold, there's no coming back. So, that's why a lot of them don't actually try. When they do come back, when you do hear from them, they know that there's still more to extract from you. That's why they're on your case. That's why they're calling you 24/7. But in this case, in this case, when they know you have realized, they're not going to do it. They're going to I'll be honest, some of them will try and get even. Someone will try and get nasty and even. That happens in my case, but I'm not saying it's going to happen in yours. I'm just saying that this could actually be a possibility.
And this is the part that nobody talks about. You have to shift the focus and the power onto you, even if they never come back. Even if they never attempt to try and get you back. And many survivors remain psychologically attached because they wait for an apology. They will replay conversations, the hope for justice, hope and justice. Dangerous words and dangerous emotions. And they still define their worth through the relationship, which is very sad. So, the narcissist may have left your life, but they haven't left your mind. This is where you've got to really see this for what it is. This isn't about understanding, naming their behavior. This isn't about, okay, "Oh, now I know they're definitely a narcissist." What are you doing? You're staying in victim mentality, which means that you're never going to be able to grow, never going to be able to level up, and you're going to stay stuck in this identity. And I see it so many times on the live streams, with clients, with the comments. They did this to me. They did that to me. This isn't about that. This isn't about you staying stuck in victimhood. Yes, you what happened is really bad, but if you're going to define yourself as a victim, look what they did to me. Why did they do this to me? Why Why me? Then you're staying stuck, replaying the same thing over and over again. This is where it is calling you to rise. This is what I mean. Take it all back onto you. Come back home to yourself. Yes, this person was in your life. Yes, they did what they did. But now you have gained awareness. Now you realize what is happening. This is about you rebuilding yourself. It's about shifting the focus onto you. This is about you rebuilding yourself. It's about shifting the focus onto you. It's about rebuilding who you are. This is the most important. Not focusing on them, what they did, why they're doing this, who are they with. You've got one life and one life only, and it is yours. And this is where you have to honestly really focus back on yourself and go forward in your life. In- instead of staying stuck thinking about this person, worrying, not sleeping. It's only hurting you. Ask questions like, who are you now? What brings you joy? What's my favorite food? What's my favorite color? What relationships deserve your energy right now? Friendships, relationships that are in your life. What dreams did you put on hold? Freedom isn't when the narcissist disappears. Freedom is when you allow them to disappear from your life and never look back. Become stronger, level up your mindset, and go forward in your life.
If If watched this video hoping to understand the narcissist, I hope that you've realized something much more important. The goal simply isn't about understanding them and labeling them. It's more about understanding yourself. It's rebuilding your confidence, your routines, your identity, who you are in this life. And that's why I've created the Daily Rituals Club. Every month, every day, I guide members through daily rituals, creating new habits that will form new thoughts and new lives. Journaling prompts, simple habits that you can put into practice every single day to reconnect with yourself and not the narcissist. But, if you wanted to go a little bit deeper into something more meaningful, I do have one-to-one consultations. I also have longer healing containers where we work together to break the trauma bond, understand your unique situation, and create a roadmap for recovery. All the details are in the description box below. If this video has helped you, my friends, please don't forget to like it and subscribe if you haven't already. I just want to say thank you so much for watching the video, and I hope to see you in the next one.