Transcription
Hey, hi everybody! My name is Jerry Wise, and today I want to talk about narcissistic adult children: the betrayal and deep pain they cause. I want to mention that I'm not talking about adult children of narcissists, but children who are adults who are narcissistic. Those are who I want to talk about today, and I'm going to talk about the causes of narcissism later in this video. I hope you watch, and I'll give you some information on how narcissists are created.
So, narcissistic adult children can betray and cause disillusionment and deep pain in various ways, and here are some of the common behaviors and actions that contribute to these feelings.
Children who are narcissists behave with emotional manipulation. Narcissistic adult children use guilt, fear, or emotional blackmail to control their parents. They feign affection, concern, just to get what they want, only to withdraw once they get what they want.
Children who are narcissists behave with a lack of empathy. Narcissistic adult children show little to no concern for their parents' feelings, often dismissing or invalidating their emotions. They systematically ignore their parents' needs and struggles, focusing solely on their own desires. And I don't know how many people I have talked to who are parents who have had adult children who are narcissistic or NPD, how meanly and how selfishly they have treated their parents, and they expect everything and give nothing, and are not appreciative, and feel entitled to everything and anything.
Children who are narcissists behave with broken promises. Narcissistic adult children frequently make commitments or promises to their parents that they fail to keep. They lead parents to believe they will change or improve, only to continue their harmful behaviors, and they do not abide by boundaries. So, because of the broken promises, they'll, you know, they'll say, "Hey, I only want you to do this," or "You can borrow the car, but only for this reason." They will always, most commonly, have their own justification for busting those boundaries if they're children who are adults who are narcissists.
Children who are narcissists behave with exploitation. Narcissistic adult children take advantage of their parents, and they take advantage particularly of their parents' generosity, whether financially or emotionally, and without reciprocation. They'll take advantage of money or emotions but not give it back. They use their parents' resources, such as money and time, without considering their parents' well-being. How many times in stories have I heard this in talking with clients and family members?
Children who are narcissists behave in a way that is dishonest. Narcissistic adult children lie about their actions, intentions, and circumstances to manipulate or to deceive their parents. They conceal important information or make false accusations to shift blame.
Children who are narcissists behave with blaming and criticizing. Narcissistic adult children constantly blame parents for their own problems or failures, leading to feelings of guilt and inadequacy. They harshly criticize parents for perceived shortcomings, often undermining their confidence and self-esteem, and parents get beat down or worn down by narcissistic children.
Now, before you talk about, and there are many who have, I've heard from who said, "Oh, well, there are no narcissistic children without narcissistic parents." I'm going to talk about that at the end, so hold on and watch to the end, and I'll explain what I mean by that and why that isn't true in many instances.
Children who are narcissists behave with a lack of gratitude. Narcissistic adult children show little to no appreciation for the sacrifices and their efforts their parents made throughout their lives. They act entitled to their parents' support and resources without expressing gratitude or acknowledgment.
Children who are narcissists behave with unrealistic demands. Narcissistic adult children expect parents to cater to their needs and desires without consideration for their parents' own lives and limitations. And I've known many children who have run through their parents' retirement, their parents' finances, because of their own selfishness, and the parents have felt obligated to do that. They pressure parents to make significant sacrifices or changes in their lives to accommodate the child's wishes, or maybe even, "Hey, Mom and Dad, you need to move here so you can take, so you can see your grandchildren," which many times can mean, "So you can take care of the grandchildren." "Children, sell your home at a loss, buy this home near us at a profit for the seller so that you can take care of our children or your grandchildren." I've heard of those instances.
Children who are narcissists behave with ignoring guidance and misplacing blame. Narcissistic adult children disregard parental advice and parental help, leading to repeated mistakes and then shift the blame to the parents.
Children who are narcissists behave with public embarrassment. Narcissistic adult children engage in behavior that publicly discredits or humiliates their parents, whether intentionally or through neglect. They share private family matters or conflicts with others, damaging the parents' reputation and sense of privacy. That happens quite frequently.
So, I mentioned I was going to talk about how narcissistic children are created. We are still learning more about narcissism and how it develops because narcissism is a personality disorder. And so many I know, whom I have talked to, are of the belief that if you become a narcissist, then your parents were narcissists and you were abused and mistreated, and then you become a narcissist yourself. There are narcissists in which I believe they had their beginnings in that very way. However, that's not the only way and the only factor involved in becoming narcissistic. There are genetics. Genetics play a big part in personality disorders. Early childhood experiences like rejection, trauma, abuse, excessive praise, or overindulgence or being spoiled, and again, that can lead to ego fragility and things like that, which is what we commonly think of maybe how a narcissist is developed. Parenting style also, you know, being a helicopter parent may lead children to expect the same treatment they receive from their parents. Culture is a part and can add to and be a factor in personality disorders. And then lastly, neurobiology, the connection between brain and behavior and thinking, may also play a role in that dynamic. So, there is no simple answer and always accurate answer as to why someone is a narcissist. I also believe that there are transmission of family issues and psychology that comes down through the generations as well. Can you have grandparents, parents who are narcissists, children who are not, and then have grandchildren who become narcissists? Yes. And those who believe that there's only one way to create a narcissist, remember, there's a lot of people who experience those same dynamics and don't become narcissists. How does that prove our theory if abuse, rejection, shaming, if that's our only means of knowing how someone becomes a narcissist? What about all the people who experienced that severely growing up and did not become and possess a narcissistic personality disorder? So, we need to think more generally. And I have been working, and I've worked with parents, many of them over my 45 years, who have had narcissistic children. They weren't perfect parents, but they were good parents and did not show signs of NPD. So, you know, and many people say, "Oh, well, they're just lying to you," or "They're just fooling you." Well, if you work with them, you know, for three years, it's kind of hard to hide that for three years, I believe.
So, what do we do? What are some self-differentiation tips I can offer to you if you have children who are narcissistic? Don't change them for you, and don't change you for them. Second, you can learn more about narcissism so you can have a better idea of how to comport yourself or what needs you have, boundaries, etc., that are important in dealing with someone, even if they are your child and they are narcissistic. Focus on reducing your guilt, shame, and self-blame. Parents are overwhelmed with those feelings when they have a child who is narcissistic. Often an NPD child will cause the parents many times to second-guess their parenting and going, "Well, maybe I was, maybe their childhood wasn't what I remember," though they were the adults. I mean, they remembered in more of an adult way than the child. I've also known of many narcissistic children to falsely accuse parents of abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and in checking a wide variety of folks and people, I find no evidence of that at all, or even a hint of that. Now, that doesn't mean the parents were perfect in any way, and they will take responsibility for their own parenting, but many times there are usually false claims that come with narcissistic children. We want to shift the responsibility to them from us as parents to let them grow up, even if it is painful. A narcissist changes when the consequences are high enough. And again, they may not change at all, but if the consequences are high enough, even a narcissist will begin to have some self-focus and go, "Well, maybe I don't want to experience that." So, we want to shift the responsibility to them to make their own life and to suffer their own consequences. I would strongly recommend you get a coach or therapist for support. I really think that would help you in sorting through these things and also seeing if there's any daylight to helping or preserving the relationship. I hope that you'll learn more about being self-differentiated through the program I have, "The Road to Self." I really think that can be helpful. I also have training, free training, 84-minute training, free, doesn't cost you anything. You're welcome to participate in that. The links are below. I hope you'll subscribe, like, comment on this video, and again, I really hope you have a great day. Thanks for listening, and be wise.