Transcription
One of the things I see that obstructs awakening frequently in some people, in in many people this is not the case, but in in some people for sure, I see this um in comments, I see this in conversations um and so forth. And it is something like um skeptical doubt. It's a kind of almost um almost arrogant belief in the power of one's own thoughts, or I should say the the accuracy of one's own one one's own thoughts. And that may not sound like doubt, but the the kind like almost again, arrogant, it's a strong word, but I don't have a better word for it at the moment, but that almost arrogant insistence that the way I'm thinking about things has to be the right way. That if something's logically um sound to me, then it has to be true. Or if something isn't logically sound in the way I'm putting it together in the moment, it can't be true.
Uh, that feeling of confidence in the intellect, that feeling of confidence in belief as it refers to realization, awakening the self and so forth, um is actually covering up the deep-seated sense of doubt. It's a reaction formation. So what I'm saying is that when we have this again, almost like an arrogant um insistence that the way I see things must be the way they are, uh the way my mind, the way my own thoughts are perceiving reality has to be the way reality actually is. And importantly, if my mind can't see reality in the way that it's being maybe pointed to by somebody who has woken up um, then then that can't be true, that must be made up. It can't be a real phenomenon. Okay.
Um, that is a reaction to the deep deep deep fear of crashing into your own personal doubt. There's a lot of uh discomfort. Uh, there's a lot of discomfort in not knowing when we've identified with knowing. There's a lot of discomfort and uh doubt when we've clung so tightly to our concepts and beliefs and ideas. Uh, and yeah, seeing that that's a reaction formation is helpful. Seeing that that's a coping mechanism is helpful. Seeing that intellectual confidence is often a coping mechanism um is really helpful for us to stop doing that, or at least stop doing it in reference to entering the mystery, engaging the the mystery of self, uh engaging the mystery of awakening. We can we can so much more readily engage that when we're willing to let go of that poorly examined but sometimes pervasive sense that whatever I think is true, my thoughts must be right.
Yeah. Um, yeah, it may feel uncomfortable to do that at first because you might find yourself with a lot of doubt. And you might even feel like, oh, okay, this doubt is actually a more fundamental layer of my experience. I've just covered it up with confidence, with a kind of false bravado, right? A false confidence, especially a false intellectual confidence that I know. So that stabilizes me somehow. And really, that is the crux of identity is what we identify with, we protect. What we identify with, we solidify, we um defend and so forth. So if we're identifying with thoughts, beliefs and so forth, we will defend those till the end of the earth. And you see this all the time, right? You see this in political circles, well largely political circles, but in all kinds of circles. Um, people taking sides and so forth. It's almost always intellectual. It's almost always based on ideas, judgments, summaries, things that aren't tangible but are conceptual.
Yeah. Uh, so you could say one big step is to actually recognize how much doubt is actually there. Um, how much doubt we carry when we identify with thought, when we identify with belief. And again, uncomfortable, but this is why I say like in my book that if you want to wake up, one thing that'll really help is to learn to be uncomfortable. Learn to be okay with just being uncomfortable sometimes. And when you start to enter the mystery that is beyond you, beyond the scale of your mind and yourself as you know it and so forth, it's going to feel maybe at first um a bit intimidating uh because you're engaging something that's just beyond you and that's can be really scary. So it's easier to just cling on to what you think you know. But this process is calling you to move beyond what you think you know. And the first thing you might feel will be doubt, and that's okay.
In Buddhism, there's a series of fetters, 10 fetters or eight eight or 10 fetters depending on where you look. Um, but the second fetter is described as doubt and um, I think that's this that the the binding of that doubt is you, it's fully binding when you don't even see it, right? When you have such a reaction formation to it, such a coping mechanism built um and in place and frequently used to avoid even feeling the doubt, then you have no chance of breaking that fetter. Once you feel the doubt, you have a much better chance of breaking the fetter. Um, and yeah, you have a you have a chance of actually questioning the source of what's going on in your mind. Uh, which is the doubt in a more direct way. You can't question it if you don't know it's there. So, you will be in the reaction formation and you won't want to question anything. You won't want to be questioned. You'll be completely attached to your thoughts and ideas.
But when you get to the place where you're like, "Okay, yeah, I actually do have a lot of doubt. I do have a lot of fundamental doubts about who I am, what this is, how life is, and so forth," uh, that kind of authenticity and congruence with your deeper uh process is really helpful. Now you have a chance to see, okay, and maybe the doubt itself is even a thought. Even the doubt is a thought. Even the doubt is a conclusion or a perception. What's here when I don't cling to even that? Right? So you got to get to it first, but then you can transcend it, or you can um deconstruct it, or you can challenge it, or you can confront it. Confront the doubt. Confront means see what is that made of, and you will ultimately see it's made of thoughts. Even the doubt is made of thoughts. The confidence is made of thoughts. The doubt is made of thoughts, or made of clinging to thoughts.
So then the question arises immediately: What happens when I don't cling right now? What happens when you don't cling right now to your thoughts, to your beliefs, or to your doubts? The doubt that says maybe I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I can't figure life out. What if you don't even believe that? You just don't take a stand in reference to that because it's the thought. Now you're in the territory of directly investigating identity, not thought. This is where you move beyond thought, right? This is how you break the fetter. Break the binding of doubt. When you break the binding of doubt, you'll break the binding of thought. They kind of go hand in hand. As it said, the first two or three fetters often break all at the same time. Um, and the first fetter is the self view, the belief in a separate, distinct, independent self. Uh, so when you're investigating doubt, you're investigating self, you're investigating thought. It's all hand in hand.
So what is here right now when you don't believe a single thought and you don't even give a thought enough power to or enough um energy to reject it? You just regard it as a thought, right? A thought could say anything. Could say I can jump off the ground and fly right now. The thought could say I'm a green Martian. It's a thought. It has no more or less meaning regardless of the type of thought it is. When you see that what's right in front of your face, the experience of being itself, is not contingent upon thoughts, then it doesn't matter what the thought is. It can be an absurd thought like I just me named, or it can be a well-worn thought that's been spinning in your mind for years like I'm not enough. Still just a thought, right? So when you see that a thought is a thought, it's kind of an even playing field. None of them are binding unless you bind to them. None of no thought is binding unless you really believe in it and identify with it. So what happens when you stop identifying? That's what we're here to investigate. That's the first step. That's the first awakening, or it's the pathway to the first awakening. It's the entry point. It's the catalyst question: What is here when I don't engage thoughts? What is it that knows without having to have one single thought confirm the knowing? What is it that knows without having one single thought to confirm the doubt? What is knowing? Pure knowing without thought confirmation or without any doubt at all. It's right here. Just land there.
And when you land there, you'll realize you've never not landed. You've been there the whole time. It's clear. Like an infinite ocean of being, an infinite ocean of knowing with no need to know anything in particular. With no need to land anywhere, with no need to be separate from what is known. The being and the knowing are the same. Literally the same. Being and knowing, knowing and being. It's all continuous, like a continuum. That's where this leads. So drop the confidence in thoughts, the arrogance of belief, and feel what's underneath it, and you'll find doubt. Then see that doubt, even doubt is a layer of conclusion, judgment, processing, memory, thoughts, beliefs. Now you're in good territory.