Transcription
"You're so selfish!" "Ugh, what an idiot." "It's not my fault we're always late." "Forget it..."
NARRATOR: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. John Gottman calls these negative communication patterns "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Because they'll lead to the end of your relationship. In fact, he can predict this relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behavior isn't changed.
So, what can you do? At The Gottman Institute, we understand you might not even know you're communicating this way or you might not know how to control it. But if you practice the following four research-based antidotes... ...there is hope for your future.
Criticism attacks the character of the recipient instead of focusing on a specific behavior. The antidote to criticism is to talk about your feelings using "I" statements. Then express a positive need.
Contempt is an expression of superiority that comes out as sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling... ...eye rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is the greatest predictor of relationship failure and must be eliminated. The antidote to contempt is to treat one another with respect and build a culture of appreciation within the relationship.
Defensiveness is self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. Defensiveness never solves the problem and is really just an underhanded way of blaming your partner. The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility ...even if only for part of the conflict.
Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the conversation without resolving anything. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three Horsemen to result in stonewalling. But when it does, it can become a habit. The antidote to stonewalling is to break for at least 20 minutes, calm down, then return to the conversation.
Spare your relationship from certain destruction. Learn more about eliminating The Four Horsemen by visiting our site.