Transcription
We're inclined to think that the secret of great friendship is all about finding someone with whom we mysteriously and wonderfully just click without having to do very much about it. But this is arguably an unhelpful stance because it implies that there is nothing that any of us can do to become better friends. Friendship is made to look like a mere happy accident.
At the school of life, we think differently. We believe that good friendships follow certain principles which can be identified, discussed, and taught. We firmly believe that we can learn to become better friends and are not any of us born knowing how to be. Here then are some of the principles of being a good friend.
Firstly, asking the right questions. We need to learn the art of teasing out of people the bits of themselves that are sincere, vulnerable, and true. Society tends to encourage us to stay on the surface. True friends know how to go deep. In order to do so, they ask questions like, "How did it feel when X or Y loss occurred?" They show empathy. They say, "You must have felt quite sad when they use self-disclosure to encourage others to throw off their masks." They might say, "I found myself very scared when..."
Secondly, sincerity. Allow space for sadness, regret, and melancholy. Don't come in with aggressively cheerful leading questions like, "Is everything okay?" Then keep inquiries open. Allow room for intimate disclosures.
Thirdly, silence. Don't always speak or interrupt. Allow the other person to unfurl their concerns.
Fourthly, going deep in you allows them to go deep in themselves. People can only go as far with others as they have gone inside themselves. A key part of the art of friendship is therefore to know yourself as well as possible and then to use the data about who you are as a guide to who others are liable to be. We all know that around some people we feel we're boring and have nothing to say. This is solely a reflection of how many rooms such people have opened up in their own minds. The more they've explored, the more interesting their interlocutors will feel in themselves.
Fifthly, don't jabber. It can be tempting to talk too much on pet themes. Ask yourself with courage, what could another person possibly do with what I propose to tell them? Be ruthless. Do they really need to know this? Can there be a space in someone else's minds for this or not so much?
Sixthly, allow room for weirdness. We are all stranger than we're meant to be. Know this of yourself and of others and therefore clear conversational space which will allow space for the odder yet still utterly normal parts of them to assume shape. Remember the essential dictim. No one is normal.
Seventhly, know that everyone is anxious and scared. However confident others seem, they are always likely to be inside close to despair, panic or regret. Don't wait for them to tell you this. Assume it's true and then just respond accordingly with preemptive signs of sympathy and tenderness.
Eighthly, love in a cold universe. We are probably the only things in the universe out there. It's mostly just gas, rock, and silence. So, concentrate inside our bonds on conviviality and good humor. It's a very strange and tricky business being human. Think of how odd it is to have nostrils or elbows. So, use the alienation and fear of out there to inspire warmth and compassion for ourselves in here.