Transcription
Hello everyone, my name is Evie Lupine. Welcome back to my channel, and today I have another video for you all.
Today, we're gonna be talking about how to find kinky people for dating and relationships. And I know you might not believe me because I have made some jokey videos about this in the past where I claim to teach you, you know, guaranteed ways to find a dominant alpha male or 10 tips for finding a perfect submissive housewife or whatever it was that I did. And, you know, those had a point, they had a lesson in them. But I promise, today, what I do want to do seriously is give you all some advice for finding relationships and meeting other kinky people.
And I know it is very hard when you are maybe a newly single person, or you are newly coming into your own as a kinky person, discovering what that means to you. It is so hard to find good advice tailored to being in the BDSM community or wanting to explore that with a partner. So, we're going over all of that today, and I'm gonna keep this as general as possible so that way, if you're looking for a Dom or a sub or a switch or a friend with extra benefits, maybe, let's say, you're going to be able to get something out of this.
And yeah, like I said, it's very difficult to find good advice about this because if you do look for like dominant relationship tips or like how to find a submissive, I swear every video these days is like the most banana brain Sigma male grindset BS I have ever seen in my entire life. And they really perpetuate these stereotypes that like, all women are submissive, no woman is truly dominant, and therefore all women are pergamists, even kinky women. And that goes along with like, women want a bad boy stereotype too. And so, you know, with the bad boy thing, you know, that might mean like, oh, they want a cool guy with a leather jacket and a motorcycle. But with kinky women, it's like they think kinky women, regardless of Dom or sub or whatever, because I think all women are really just submissive ultimately, they think that women like that, what we really want is to essentially experience intimate partner violence where, you know, a dominant man isn't going to respect our boundaries or ask first, and they're definitely not going to manage their anger around us. Like they think we want Christian Grey, okay? And that is why all of this is about as accurate as your favorite kinky erotica novel because it's just simply not the truth at all. And I hope that we all understand that by now.
And I promise you're not gonna need a yacht or a fast car or a fat stack of cash to be able to find a kinky partner. And I get it, though, on one hand, because there is a reason why this stereotype is so alluring. It is something that people on both sides of the slash are drawn towards. And people that are submissive sometimes they can't have this expectation that a real Dom is gonna come in and sweep them off their feet and against a wall without saying a word first. And that's fun to think about as a fantasy, but that is not how meeting kinky people in real life actually works.
And unfortunately, I have seen over the years many people take just mind-boggling risks when talking to a supposed "daddy Dom" on a dating app like Tinder, where they just go through every red flag and ignore it and go, "You know what? He gets really angry when I don't text back right away, and he yells at me in voice notes, and he demands photos all the time." But like, that's just proof of how much of a "daddy Dom" he is. And it's like, no, no, no, not healthy, not a good sign, do not pursue that any further, just save yourself the trouble because it's basically never worth it.
So, on the one hand, don't be that person on a dating app, okay? If you think you have to perform that way to come across as being a dominant, you definitely don't have to. And if you're a submissive on dating apps looking for dominant people, or this like a bottom looking for a top, just like listen to your gut. You don't need to go through all the red flags and ignore them. Your gut is telling you stuff for a reason, okay?
I really think the first thing that people need to do when they want to meet kinky people and have success on dating apps, especially, is you need to be able to drop the stereotype from your head, okay? You need to be able to let go of those expectations because a submissive doesn't really want someone typically who is going to be barking orders within 10 minutes of matching with each other. They don't want someone who's going to like start demanding photos. And a dominant doesn't want someone he's gonna like completely fold over like a lawn chair and be like, "Yes, master, yes, mistress, whatever you want, whatever you say, have no limits, do whatever you want to my body, I'm yours completely." It's like, I didn't even fully read your profile yet, like we've been matched for all of five seconds, like, can we please slow it down here for a moment, okay?
Ultimately, what people are mostly looking for, if they genuinely want a kinky relationship, especially one that is longer term, they want other people, okay? Not a doormat, not a statue. They want other people. People who can hold a conversation about more than just their kink, or people that can talk to them about music, you know, they want someone that has interests and hobbies and things they like besides just kink because when the kink's done, you got like 20 to 23 other hours of the day to fill up with other conversation potentially and other things in your life. So, have some hobbies, talk about things besides just your kink, okay? I promise the kink can be part of it, but I don't really think overemphasizing it actually does much in your favor.
And you might be thinking, "Oh, okay, I know how to do this. I know how to seem like a smart, experienced Dom or sub and not some clueless banana that doesn't know anything about kink at all. I'm gonna read everything. I'm gonna go to all these classes and take these notes and have a journal and do this and this and this." It's like, okay, slow down for a second. I'm going to cut you off right there. I'm gonna say something that I can almost guarantee will surprise you. If you have watched my channel for especially a long time, you don't have to learn everything first before becoming a Dom or a sub. I would never discourage anyone from educating themselves, but I think people can fall into this trap where they try to like learn everything as much as they can first and then do it. I talked about this in my video on polyamory, very true also for kink, where people will think, "Okay, I can read everything, take all these classes, do everything as much as I can, and then I can do it, and I'll know everything." But something that makes this different compared to like polyamory, for example, is I think people use this learning phase almost as a barrier for them getting to really experience kink, where they go, "Okay, but I haven't learned this yet. I haven't read this book. I haven't done this yet." So before I do anything, I must do this first. And then that keeps getting added on to over and over and over again. And suddenly, you've been spending two years reading about kink and then not actually doing it.
And you know what? If you just have an academic interest in kink, fine, go for it, love it. Actually, more people should just like want to learn about kink for the sake of it, I think. Awesome. But if you really want to do kink at some point in your life, I highly recommend getting into it when you can, as soon as you can. Not like, you know, rushing into danger or anything, but go to that munch, okay? Go to that meetup, that discussion group, that dungeon, that thing you've been telling yourself you're not ready for yet. Go to it. Stop getting in the way of your own happiness because it's not really serving you. And you could be missing out on years of fun experiences and people that you might not otherwise ever meet unless you start right now.
And I don't get too morbid here, but I will say, you know, as we get older, our bodies change, our relationships change, our ability levels change for certain things. And I wouldn't want to miss out on maybe what could be the most active years of my life doing kink because I was too afraid to do it sooner, okay? So again, don't get in the way of your happiness, just go and do it.
And I want to go ahead and borrow a quote here from Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said, "A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer." And I love this because I feel like it is really true. We think that people that do things we wish we could be doing have some kind of innate characteristic that we don't have. They're braver than I am, they're more courageous than I am. But really, they all start from the same point that you're in right now, trying to decide to get out there and go and do things potentially. And they made that plunge, they made that choice. They were brave for five minutes to put in the address to the local munch in their GPS and go there, okay? So just be brave. Make that follow-up account, research that munch, reach out to that person over a DM if you've been finding someone you're interested in and you haven't reached out yet. Go and do it. Be brave. I promise, no matter how much you are building it up in your head, it is not as scary as actually doing it.
And if you are going to an event, keep in mind, just because an event is four or five hours long, you can be there for five minutes if you want to be. You know, just show up, browse around, maybe make some eye contact, you know, check out a drink or a snack area if you want to, if they have that, and then you can go. Okay, do I like this? I want to keep being here. And if you don't want to be there anymore, you can go. It's not a big deal to show up at an event and then not come back or to leave early. People do that all the time. So don't worry, you're not gonna get like barred from the exit. It will be okay, I promise.
But I also know that it can be really hard to get over that. And I'm not trying to minimize that, but also I'm trying to like kind of frame that perspective more in reality where it's like, it's only as hard as you really make it to be. And you can make this easier on yourself. It's not that people that have some big kinky polycule harem are better than you, or they're more kinky than you are, that somebody who's doing a really hard, heavy scene every night of the dungeon, they're like better at this than you are or just have a deeper connection to BDSM than you ever will. That's also not true. And it just again, takes that first step and you getting out there and trying things. And they might actually be worse at kink than you are in terms of a lot of the important stuff, like communication, I want to talk about here in a moment, right? Just because somebody is doing a thing doesn't mean they are good at it at all, that they're better than you would be at it, or that they have some kind of mystical thing about themselves that would be impossible for you to obtain. It's all a process.
Doing BDSM is a unique skill set to have. And yes, they may have certain hard skills that you don't necessarily possess to begin with, but basically everything is something you can learn and apply, so long as it fulfills you and it's what you want to be doing, not just doing it because you think you have to, because all Doms are into blank, or all subs are willing to do blank. Like, leave that one at the door.
But in any case, I want to talk now about some skills you can actually build and learn if you want to have successful kinky relationships and also just generally for having a good positive first impression and making sure you're giving off the right vibes to people. And it's not just, you know, having an expensive suit or having the ability to Florentine flog or getting to kneel in 20 different perfect positions. Like, it's not about that, really. And I think some of these skills you're going to be like, "Of course," but actually practicing them, that is what takes skill and discipline to be able to do.
And I think first of all, when you're looking to get into kinky dating, the first thing you need to do is know about yourself, right? What motivates you to do kink? What are your interests? What are your limits? What do you not really have any draw towards? And use that to tailor what you're talking about and what you're looking for. And it can seem intimidating to think about all of this and really know, okay, what do I want to do about this? But I think it is the most important thing to start off with because the one thing you will always know your other partner is not already going to know about is about you. So always bring that to the table and be prepared. Because if you're just looking at other people and going, "What do they have? Do they have what I want?" and you don't really reflect on yourself, that's going to be a very short conversation.
And I think likewise, you're going to be willing to be vulnerable. I think vulnerability is the key thing here because vulnerability leads to trust, and trust is that we have really, really good deep relationships and deeper kink scenes. And vulnerability is complicated, right? It can be very hard to talk about yourself and your genuine, real, deep feelings and emotions and goals. And I think the way to make this more simple is to basically take what the other person is giving and then go like, half a step or one step farther. So if you're talking about like music, maybe for example, and they say, "Oh, I love Fall Out Boy," or something like that. Maybe you then talk about, "Oh, I went to this concert," or "I really connected with the lyrics in this one song, and this is why." Like, take where you're being led and then also go just a little bit farther. Have that vulnerability.
And ultimately, this really serves you because we trust people that trust us first. We have a tendency as human beings to not really want to give away too much of ourselves initially. We kind of like play it safe and we don't really give more than the other person does first because we don't want to have it like be awkward or like share too much. But if you can just go a little bit more, a little bit further, that can be such a beautiful thing. Because if you're dominant, who is looking at a submissive getting to lead that vulnerability dance, though it might seem like it could be like too girly or too submissive to go there first, it shows that you have that self-knowledge and you are leading the conversation. Whereas if you're a submissive who's looking for a dominant partner, getting to be vulnerable first really shows that person that you are willing to be vulnerable with them, and that that gives them room to expand and have place for their dominance to be able to grow.
He also realizes I'm saying all this and I'm saying like sub and Dom a lot, but really my advice works for like top, bottom, switch, everything like that. So just like please insert as necessary in this conversation.
Now, I think something else I need to mention here is basically in direct contrast to that whole like, "Women don't want to be asked, they want to be told, they want to be dominated, you just take her." Um, please don't. Please don't do that, okay, guys? Um, please do not do that. I think what folks actually need to do is be better at asking questions. And that includes respecting boundaries and above all, getting consent first. Because you never know what somebody's history is or what their preferences are unless you have a conversation about a person. I know I'm harping on again about consent, as I always do, but it really is so foundational.
And part of the reason why I was motivated to make this video is I recently had an experience that really illustrates how this can make a relationship better in the long run. So, a while ago, I had a newish partner where we wanted to introduce a new thing into our dynamic, and I was a little nervous. I wasn't quite ready to go there yet. And so when they brought it up in a conversation to start doing it, I hesitated and I was like, "Eh." And immediately they took that hesitation and went, "Okay, that's a no. We're just gonna put that on the shelf for now. Let's do something else instead that feels good for both of us. What do you want to do instead?" And I was shocked by this. I have basically unfortunately very rarely had this experience where somebody has taken me saying a no, at least non-verbally, and then directly verbally, and then just ran with it and been like, "Okay, you know, that's fine. No fuss, no fight. Let's just focus on what we both enjoy about doing this together and just stick to that." You know what happened? You know what happened? They didn't push me. And so next time we met up, we were totally able to do this thing. And it wasn't a big deal at all emotionally for me, at least, in the way that I didn't want to happen. Right? Emotionally, the way I wanted it to go, perfect, awesome, amazing. And it was just so, so good. And I wish more people had stories like this where setting a boundary went well, or hearing a no and looking for a no went well, instead of just like what most people do, which is looking for a yes instead of looking for a no. And I think that makes a really, really big difference.
And I think part of this, it also goes together with this idea, is you have to make communicating with you a safe thing to do. If this partner of mine, if they had flown off the handle, they had yelled at me, if they tried to coerce me, they said, "Well, but this instead," you know, and they had gone down the line of that kind of conversation, that would have been a very different experience for me. And I think we have to make talking to us a safe thing to do. And that can mean a lot of different things, right? That can mean like heart-to-heart honest communication, that can mean being empathetic. But really, no one usually likes talking to somebody that flies off the handle, that yells a lot, that gets angry at the drop of a hat. And if you know you're somebody who has those tendencies, right, where you get really possessive, really jealousy, really angry, really easily, you can stop and evaluate that and try to change those patterns. And that is a hard process, but it totally is possible.
And on that note, if you need more help with that, it's okay to get professional help. It's okay to talk to a therapist. I know a lot of people still have this stigma around mental health, and I don't think that needs to be the case. I don't think that we need to have this dialogue continually in our community where like, "Oh, you only go to that if you're broken. If you really need help, you're like a lost cause," basically. And that's simply not true. I know a lot of people, Dom, sub, look at somebody who's going to therapy and think, "Ah, red flag." I don't think it's a red flag. I think it's a green flag to go and get help and talk to somebody and be working actively on your issues. So yeah, I think it's totally overall a good thing.
And there are other ways to educate yourself too, right? I want to say this too, like it's not just like go to a therapist, reflecting yourself personally. Like I think there are other ways to get skills. And I don't necessarily mean like learning how to throw a whip here, that can be a really fun thing to do. I mean like learning things like how to set a boundary, how to hear a no, learning non-violent communication techniques, learning heart-to-heart communication techniques, meditation, reflection, introspection, all those sort of like softer skills. I think are really good to have.
I really, really care if you've got like a bookshelf full of books that you've read or you've got a list of 20 different resources you've learned from. I more care about having a curious mind and being open to learning new things because I think that means a really good thing for like learning about other people in a relationship. I think a lot of people, especially people that are like naturally more intelligent and feel really smart and have that part of their schema in life is that "I'm a smart person," oftentimes they can be the most bull-headed people when it comes to learning about others, right? They think, "Okay, well, but I'm smart, I know about this. Therefore, your reason for doing things could not be true. I think I already know why you are the way you are, or why you like this thing, or why you have this boundary." And it can just get so frustrating being in a conversation with somebody like that. So don't be that person. Be open, be open-minded, be curious, okay?
I think one of the other big key things is to be humble and to be honest. I have talked this one to death, but just to say it again one more time in case you haven't heard it before is oftentimes it is very tempting to overinflate your existing skill set or your knowledge base or how long you've been doing kink for, especially on a dating app when you're filling out a profile. And you really want to be able to say, "I've been doing kink for 10 years," or "I'm really kinky, I've been doing this for a long time." When really, 10 years means you've been fantasizing about it for 10 years and then like once or twice on a birthday you did something. And that to me doesn't really count. It's not bad, it just is misrepresenting your actual experience level. And frankly, it doesn't really serve you in the long run because if you do meet other experienced kinky people that way, they're kind of figured out pretty quickly that your 10 years is not really 10 years.
And I think even worse, if you are misrepresenting your experience level to seem like you are more experienced, and then you meet somebody who is brand new, and they don't know better, they just take your word for it, then it's really the blind leading the blind. But neither one of them know that. Well, one of them doesn't know what's going on, the other one does. But one of them doesn't know what's happening. And then that can make somebody dependent on you in certain areas for knowledge that you don't really have. And that's not fair, that is not honest. And when the truth eventually comes out in the wash, that's going to leave your relationship in a really bad place. So I don't recommend starting there. Just be open, just be honest. It's going to be better for everyone involved here.
And I think finally, sort of end where we began with all this is, I think just be interested in people as people, not just like kinky gumball machines. I think it's very difficult when you really, really want to do kink to really sit back and go, "Okay, this is a whole person. I'm looking for somebody else who's a whole person, not a cardboard cutout of a mommy Dom or a cardboard cutout of Christian Grey." Okay, cool. On that, I promise finding whole people that are more than just their kink identity, especially if you want a long-term relationship, is going to be way better for you.
And to show interest in people that way, right? Don't only ever talk about your kinks and your fantasies and their fantasies and their kinks. Like, to me, that is like the number one way to kill a potential conversation is like, I don't want to talk about kink immediately, right? I want to know about your life goals, your aspirations, what you have accomplished, what you're proud of, where you're going with your life. That's what I want to know. But I want to know are we aligned here so that way when we do kink, we can stay here, as opposed to like thinking, "Okay, well, we both like vlogging, we both like spanking, let's do that." And then when you try to have a conversation afterward, it just like falls apart because like, they love polka music and you don't at all. And then what do you do from there? Awkward, right?
So that's really my advice. And I think I want to also note here for you all, did you notice how none of my advice involve things like losing weight or getting a new wardrobe or buying a new car or anything like that? Because that stuff doesn't really matter, okay? Like, in the kink community, yes, there are people who are shallow that care about certain things, but truly, our community is a very diverse place. And we do have lots of people from all walks of life, that are all shapes and sizes and ability levels. And we have people that are, you know, all different levels of skill. We have all different types in our community. And I think trying to fake being something you're not for somebody else to initially get a better first impression or to swipe on a dating app, I don't really think that'll serve you too well past a certain point. I think basic grooming, basic hygiene, wearing colors that flatter you, you know, having a good background, like this isn't the very freaking basic tips for having a good profile on a dating app, yes, that still applies. But you don't have to lose 100 pounds to be able to do BDSM, you know, to be a size zero or have a perfect tan or washboard abs. That might matter again to some people, but to most people that genuinely really want to do kink, the most successful people I know that do kink are men that are short, people that don't have abs, people that are not super skinny, right? They show up, they're humble, they're honest, they're vulnerable, and they have a good freaking time doing BDSM and they stay true to that, you know? So it really matters in the long run. They don't spend a bajillion dollars on toys or equipment or anything like that. They are just themselves and they want people to take them for who they are, and they present that, and it works pretty dang well for them.
And you know what? We can have a further conversation about like sizeism and ableism in the community. We have done that before. I'm not saying it's not there, but I don't think it's as big of a deal as people think that it might be. And there are going to be people that look like you in the community. That is just how it is. It might take longer to find certain people depending on what it is you're looking for, but they are out there. And yeah, just like show interest in people, support them emotionally, be there, be humble, be honest. And you're like 75% of the way to being where you need to be to have a good kink relationship. It's not about what you can learn in a book. It's not about how many classes you've been to. It's about representing who you are truthfully, honestly, transparently, and following through on that. And that's how you have a beautiful kink relationship, basically.
I mean, if you want to know how to meet people, there's tons of options with things like FetLife, going to munches. There's the Bloom Community app, which I don't know a ton about, but is a way to do that. And then my favorite dating app for many people in the BDSM community is called Feeld. And OkCupid is also pretty good for this. But Feeld, I think really emphasizes especially like open, non-monogamous, polyamorous relationships, and also kink to varying degrees too. And so if you want a dating app that's really the one I'd recommend. So a lot of people are like, "Do you recommend a kinky dating app? Which one should I use?" And that's like really the only one I would ever recommend using is Feeld. So please check that out if you want to. I think it's a pretty good resource. Links to other resources will be down below too for like guides to like going to a munch and staying safe and how to use FetLife if you want to know about that. Again, links will be down below.
And after I've said all this, I would love to know your thoughts about what you found helpful for your journey in finding other kinky people. What worked? What didn't? Did you learn anything from us? Are we learned our thoughts in a comment down below. Any other questions? Anything else you want to know about? Please leave us down below as well. If you did enjoy this, and already, please do subscribe because I make videos twice a week about all sorts of different kink and BDSM related topics. And finally, if you want to support what I do, the best way you can do that is with Patreon. The link to that will be down below. If you do already explore there, thank you so so much. It means the absolute world to me. And until I see you all next time, I hope you have a great yesterday and a great rest of your week. Bye.
[Music]
Thank you.