Transcription
Chapter 17. [music] Aftercare.
You've survived and thrived in your first play party. You've had your experiences, overcome your insecurities, created memories, and you're ready to go home. Now, let's take a moment to talk about aftercare. This is one of the elements of the RBD SMA that often receives the least attention. Yet, it has, in my opinion, the greatest potential for long-term impact.
Aftercare is what a person needs following an [music] encounter, a scene, or an event. Aftercare can vary greatly from person to person and situation [music] to situation, which is why you should be clear on your needs. In recent years, I've realized that aftercare and the meaning we assign to sexual acts are very closely related. And it's easy to confuse feelings of shame or guilt following a sexual [music] act with assigning blame to a partner for failing to meet my aftercare needs. Differentiating and owning these feelings [music] can save stress and misunderstanding for everyone involved.
Assigning meaning. First, consider the meaning that you assign to sexual encounters. Likely, the stories you make up around sex are cyclical and repeating. Can you identify your patterns? [ __ ] obsess, and [music] burn.
Marcy fell for it again. She found herself crushing on Paul prior to a festival. They [music] engaged in playful banter on social media via text ahead of time. They danced to different DJs and found themselves running into each other multiple times due to overlapping friend groups. The chemistry was obvious and Marcy was hooked. She found herself looking for opportunities to see Paul. She sought out his friends more often than usual. She stumbled into him on multiple [music] occasions and then at a sponsored play party at the festival, she had her chance. They engaged [music] in sexual play and she felt fireworks. However, immediately afterwards, Marcy froze. [music] She had a nice cuddle with Paul following her encounter, but didn't ask him for any other aftercare. They went off with their respective groups later that night and didn't have as much engagement for the remainder of the festival. Marcy became frantic. She found herself texting Paul [music] asking him about what this meant for him, obsessing over his social media posts, and reaching out to his friends to see whether he was engaging with other lovers. Paul was turned off by Marcy's hot and cold behavior and backed away.
Exercise: [music] Want, need, avoid. If you find yourself crushing on someone before engaging with them sexually, it's best to parse your patterns and get clear on your requests ahead of time. First, parse your pattern. In your notebook, identify your most your five most recent sexual [music] encounters, if you have that many. Write out any patterns you notice between these five different experiences. Examples could include, but are not limited to, I wanted more and they backed off. [music] I got awkward and lost my mojo. They became cold. We jumped quickly into a relationship. They wanted more than I was willing to offer. We stayed in communication and [music] became friends. We lost communication and no longer speak. We are now on good terms or bad terms. I feel blank about this person. I feel blank about this act with them. I feel blank about myself and connection with this event.
Next, identify your needs and desires. Looking at the patterns you have just identified, challenge yourself to get clear on what you are seeking and whether the these encounters are meeting your needs, and if not, where they're falling short. Ask yourself the following. Are you seeking love or partnership? When someone has sex with you, do you feel a deeper connection, or do you view it as cardio, as I did back [music] in my swinger days? Have you noticed a trend in your past romantic relationships around feelings of insecurity, neediness, projection, or shame following sex with past partners? In an ideal next encounter, what would you need from a new partner to meet your needs and resolve your past disappointments? Be as specific as possible, i.e., [music] I need my partner to take me on multiple dates, send me a text immediately after we part telling me that they miss me, pursue me for follow-on communications, etc.
Understanding the meaning behind your actions will greatly influence your aftercare needs. Ideally, when you meet new partners, you can communicate these needs with them in advance of engaging sexually. If your needs are too much, you can both avoid escalated emotions by avoiding the escalating event. And finally, identify red flags in advance. If you have disappointing aftercare following If you have had disappointing aftercare following your last five encounters, you are likely going to create the same outcome for yourself in this next encounter. [music] One way to shift your trajectory is to identify any red flags that you've noticed in the behaviors or ways of being exhibited by your past partners. Write them down. Some could [music] include they were highly sought after by a number of other people. They exhibited [ __ ] behaviors that were not specific to me. They shared friendly vibes with me but weren't pursuing me before we had sex. [music] They had dramatic breakups with several past lovers that I know. They have a reputation for being emotionally unavailable. If you see this pattern in your new love interest, make a conscious decision to avoid a sexual encounter with them until you're either able to collect new evidence or find a new love interest.
Aftercare in the moment, what aftercare do you need immediately following your encounters in the BDSM King space? Understanding and discussing immediate aftercare requirements is much more commonly practiced. If you've engaged in activities like impact play, rope, or scenes involving degradation, [music] all parties invest time in what a subordinate might need to feel safe following their scene. Sexual encounters would benefit from following the similar protocols.
In my own experience, I often communicate my care needs before, during, and after an experience. [music] I'll give some examples. One, flogging. If I'm being flogged, I'll ask the person flogging me to check in with me every so often to ensure that the experience is feeling safe. [music] I tend to use a number scale and we'll share something like, "Hm, that was a four for me and I'd be comfortable with up to a [music] seven right now." If at any point it becomes overwhelming, I'll ask them to slow down or say yellow or to stop or say red. I communicate before the scene that I typically need about 10 to 15 minutes of cuddling afterwards to feel safe and secure with the person who just [music] impacted me. While cuddling, I may have an additional ask for aftercare, such as a call to decompress later that week.
Two, light impact. [music] If someone casually smacks me on the ass, I might say, "You have my consent to smack my ass, but I'd like you to rub it gently afterward." This is the only aftercare I seek after a gentle or casual experience.
And three, post-encounter cuddling. After sexual encounters, I often want to cuddle for a few minutes and debrief [music] on the highlights and learnings from the experience. I share this during our RBD SMMA in advance of the act.
Aftercare days later, aftercare doesn't always stop with immediate needs [music] following an encounter. It extends into the days following as well. What kind of communication do you want to have with your lovers after the event? In my own experience, communicating my ongoing aftercare needs has been bumpy for me. I have learned how and when to communicate my needs the hard way. Here are some examples.
One, desire for connection. Personally, I'm not interested in one nightstands. I want to establish at least a friendship with anyone I engage with sexually. I consistently ask for my lover's phone number and suggest a 15-minute call in the days following our encounter. This call allows us to decompress and deepen our connection. I need to know there's something more than just a physical encounter. Note, if I were to ask to see the person again during sex, this could be conceived as coercion or received as coercion [music] um as they are otherwise altered during my request. It is important to deliver this request ahead of the act and to hear a verbal yes.
Two, follow-up communication. During the RPDSMA conversation, I communicate my need for follow-up. I if I don't hear back from someone, it can leave me feeling unfulfilled. Just because someone agrees to follow-up call during the RPDSMA, this doesn't mean that they will follow through. However, I will hold them to it and will remind [music] them of their commitment. This may be a turnoff for them, but I want to ensure that they know that their word matters. You cannot control your lover's follow-up behavior. However, you can be clear about your needs upfront and [music] can hold them to their commitments even if a relationship doesn't ensue thereafter. By doing this, you are creating a culture of [music] communication and accountability.
Your partner's aftercare needs. What aftercare will your primary partner need now that you've engaged with a new lover? This aspect is often overlooked, but it's important. As a hinge in a polyamorous dynamic, it's your responsibility to communicate your partner's aftercare needs, if any. Just as important as what my partner may want from my new lover is what they do not want. For instance, contact preferences. If my partner wishes to be contacted by the person I just played with, I'll communicate that. I might say, "It would mean a lot if you could send a follow-up text or voice note to my partner thanking them for sharing me for the night." Conversely, if my partner does not want to be contacted, I need to clearly state that, too. [ __ ] up. If someone is in a don't ask don't tell relationship, [music] it could be quite jarring to receive a text from an unknown metamour following a sexual encounter. Do not [music] engage with a metamour without the direct and explicit guidance of your lover.
Second, respecting boundaries. Every couple has different protocols. If someone isn't clear about their aftercare needs, make it a point to ask during the RBSMA conversation. [music] This proactive approach helps prevent insecurity and miscommunication. Will your partner have any needs that I can support after this engagement? As [music] an example, [ __ ] up.
Ghosting. Remy had just had mind-blowing sex with Liz. He communicated his aftercare needs asking for a text in the days following his encounter and then nothing. Liz vanished from all direct communication with him only to pop up later in social media. Remy was hurt, embarrassed, and highly triggered. He had no idea how to engage with [music] Liz if and when he saw her again and began avoiding events where she might be present, shifting his social calendar to calendar to avoid discomfort of seeing her again. He felt waves of insecurity, shame, and embarrassment, [music] and was confused by how heavily impacted he was by such a small act. This is the [music] worst thing you can do after a sexual encounter. Ghosting causes harm not only for this potential new relationship, but it also triggers insecurities and past trauma for the person left hanging.
Just two weekends ago, I met a lover at a BDSM party. [music] We had a beautiful encounter, and I communicated my desire for a follow-up call. They agreed, but then texted me just before our scheduled call, saying they couldn't make it. They didn't show up for the rescheduled call and then went silent for the entire evening. [music] I felt taken advantage of and disrespected. After seeing the impact that their ghosting had on me, I reached out to express my feelings, [music] saying, "This doesn't work for me. I won't be seeking a friendship with you moving forward. In the future, please [music] be your word. Even if I never heard from this lover again," and they did reach out to make amends following my text. It was important for me to hold them accountable to their commitment.
The lesson here is clear. Aftercare is the simplest [music] way to maintain safety, security, connection, and integrity following an encounter. By communicating your needs and the needs of your partner and asking what your new lover may need, you foster a healthier, more respectful polyamorous community. Remember to show up, follow through, be your word. [music] This is how we can thrive in the world of open relating.
And a final word [music] on play parties. Every party will teach you something new. And even the most experienced orchestrators can encounter [music] unexpected challenges. Embrace Embrace each experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. Reflect on what worked well and what didn't, and don't hesitate to adjust [music] your approach in the future. Above all, keep the spirit of exploration alive. Play parties are about more than just physical connection. They're about creating a shared space of joy, intimacy, and pleasure. So whether you're a visionary, executor, supporter, voyeur, or pillow princess, know that you play a vital role in this collaborative dance of erotic expression. Enjoy the journey and may your future experiences be filled with connection, [music] consent, and creativity.