Transcription
[Music] Hey Becca, what's up?
Hi Dr. John, how are you?
I'm good, how are you?
I am great. I'm excited to be talking to you.
I am more excited to be talking to you. Okay, so my question is, how do I make decisions about my family's future without my mom's disapproval influencing me?
So good. So that's an interesting pair with that last call that you had. Listen, if you, if you, yeah, exactly, exactly. If you write this book, you'll be like a multi-millionaire, by the way. Okay, I'm glad. Hope you figure this part out. It'd be great. All right, so what's, what's happening?
So, okay, so I'm 30 years old. I'm, my husband and I have been married for five years. He is amazing and wonderful. Um, we are, we're in crazy town right now. We have three kids under four years old. So, yeah, are, I'm the mayor of crazy town. We are, we're in crazy town, but I love it. Um, and so my youngest is two months old. And so I'm currently on maternity leave, but in between maternity leave, I've been working part-time. So I work three days a week. And my, my older two kids are in daycare. And so we live close to my husband's family, but and we, we live really far from my family, about 2,000 miles from my mom. But we've always been close. We talk multiple times a week. Um, we FaceTime with the kids all the time. We go to visit a couple times a year, or they come to visit us. Um, and she's always had strong opinions. Like my whole life, she's had really strong opinions, but we've found ways over the years to kind of work with it or work around it or, uh, deal with it, I guess. Um, but then six months ago, I feel like everything just blew up.
Like, hold on, back up, back up. You didn't work around stuff as much as you moved 2,000 miles away. Yeah. I did do that. Yeah. Behavior is a language, sister. We get it. Yeah, like we need a continent or two between us, which is all good. It's not, I'm not, I'm not judging. I'm just like, like we've worked it all out. It's like, ah, not really. We just went to the moon. That's cool. Cool. We, we totally avoid. Okay, like that's when we get into a conflict, it's like, just, just avoid it. And when Deion Sanders was playing a cornerback, um, teams would just throw to the other side of the field. They just, that was their offense was like, let's just don't be around that guy. So again, it's a strategy, and it works.
Okay, so what happened six months ago?
So we were, my, my family was home visiting, or, or back in my hometown visiting. And in the last day of our visit, I just got into this like terrible, terrible fight with my mom. Um, and it started, she just kind of told me all of her thoughts and opinions about the way that I'm raising my family and basically how we're doing it all wrong. Everything from the fact that I'm a working mom, um, she thinks is detrimental and harmful to my kids.
Agreed. Continue.
The fact that we send our kids to daycare.
Agreed. Continue.
She just, she thinks we're, we're like sloughing off responsibility and letting somebody else raise our kids.
1,000%. Good job. I'm Team Mom. Keep going, Becca. Yeah.
Um, she thinks the fact that we're even considering public schools is crazy. It's a disaster.
Keep going.
She thinks that my husband's career, which is in a nonprofit sector, which he's really successful in, but it has, it does have a slightly lower income than other fields. She thinks, uh, he's not providing adequately for my family, which is just crazy town because we're doing great and we're very happy. Um, so she doesn't like my husband's career, and she doesn't like the fact that we live in an apartment, um, and don't have a yard for our kids. So it's like, all this stuff just came spilling out. Um, and I was totally thrown off. And I asked her if she, the, the thing that like I can't get out of my head is, I said, what do you think I'm a bad mom for doing all these things, for sending my kids to daycare and working? And she said, yeah, I do.
Whoa. No way. Are you for real? Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I want you to digest that. Ah, 'cause you blew over it and you used anger and rage to wallpaper over it. Oh yeah, I'm still mad. Hold on. You're not. No. There's that old famous saying, I sat down with my anger and she took off her mask and revealed herself as grief. I can't think of a more heartbreaking thing for a child to hear than their parents say, you're a bad mom. Yeah, it really, really. Hold on. Sit in it. You're too quick. Sit in it with me. I honestly can't think of a more damaging thing for a mother to tell her daughter. I'm sorry that she said that. Yeah, it hurt. It hurts. Still does. Yeah. And Becca, I'm gonna ask you something, and I tell the truth on this show. I'm gonna ask you to tell me the truth, okay? Yeah. Are you a bad mom?
No, I'm not a bad mom.
Okay. Period. Period. End of story. Yeah. And I'm sorry that your mom said that. I'm sorry that she lied to your face. I'm sorry that she broke your heart. 'Cause moms are supposed to be moms, and they're supposed to give their opinions, even when they're wild, and that's okay. And moms are also supposed to be our biggest cheerleaders. Both. And that means sometimes my mom calls, my mom's in her 70s, and she's brilliant and a savant, and she also says crazy things. And I'm like, oh, geez. Or she finds something on the internet that like is super scientifically inaccurate, and she explains it to me. I'm like, oh, gosh. And there's not a phone call that goes by that she doesn't tell me how proud she is of what a good dad I am. Mmm-hmm. And both are true. And I get mad when people write their parents off too soon. And I really get my heartbroken when moms and dads don't say the words, I'm proud of you, and you're doing a good job with their kids, even though the situation's different than they had pictured. Because it sounds wrapped up in all the stuff she said to you, I, I had a different picture of what my life as a grandma was going to look like, and I miss y'all. And I don't know how to say that. So I'm gonna say it with criticism and accusations. And she's probably told you she loved you that way her whole life. Yeah, like if you got second place in the, in the, in the class grades, it wasn't, oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you. It was, oh my gosh, you almost got first place. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Here's the homework assignment. I want you to go to, like, I don't know what kind of stores they have in Canada. So I'll just say a shoebox. I would tell you to go to Crafts Etc. I don't even know if that's a store anymore, or like Hobby Lobby. But, um, I want you to find a small box and put it on your kitchen table. Like, and do this actual thing, okay? I don't want you to write down the names of people in your life. Could be your mother-in-law, could be your father-in-law, could be both of them. It could be two of your girlfriends from college. It could be your next-door neighbor. It could be your minister. It could be anybody. Your husband. But I want you to actively on note cards, write down the names of people who get a vote in your life. I want you to put that in the box. And there shouldn't be more than five or six, max. And by the way, my mom and dad, who I love, I mean, they, they gave me an amazing ride. They're the best. They're still married. They're an incredible example. They're, they're great in every way. They don't get a vote in my life. I, I call my dad and ask him for wisdom. I call my mom and ask her for wisdom and support. They have influence, but they don't get a vote. Because they don't, they don't live in and out. They're not my go-to. They don't know all the deep dark secrets. My job is very different than any sort of experience they have. The way, the way where I live, the state I live in, the like living on acreage or living downtown in a city, like that's just different than the world they, they inhabit. It would be unfair to put them in a position where they're voting on things that they don't fully understand. I love them, but they don't get a vote.
I, I guess I, like, I wish she did.
There you go. And grief is the gap between what we wished, what we wanted to be true, and what actually is true. And what actually underneath all of this is true is that you had to move 2,000 miles away to find peace because this kind of stuff's been going on your whole life. Yeah. And I wish it wasn't that way for you too. Mmm-hmm.
And I guess when, when I'm looking at, just, we, we have a lot of big decisions coming up in the next year. What, um, my oldest is going to be school age, so we're gonna decide, you know, what school, possibly homeschool, possibly private school. Um, and we're also looking to buy a house for the first time.
Cool. But like, my mom doesn't know any of that because she's, she's not a voting member.
Becca, it would just, she's not a voting member.
Cause more. It would, that's why she's not a voting member. Yeah. And by the way, can I take some, take some bricks out of your backpack for you?
Sure.
My son went to, um, a teeny tiny private little Christian, um, I don't know, Tuesday, Thursday kind of school. Mmm-hmm. And then he went to a public kindergarten, first grade, second grade, and it was amazing, like world-class, unbelievable. Mmm. Then we moved and sent him to this like hippie, awesome private school for two years, and it was an absolute, like soup to nuts disaster. And then I put him back in a public school, and it was extraordinary. And now he's transitioning grades and I'm putting him into a private school. Why do I tell you all this? It doesn't matter. You don't know the real data. Did you go to college? Yeah. Did your husband go to college? Yep. Do y'all read books to your children every day? Okay, that's about it. Are y'all still married? Yes. Do you have a home that is relatively safe? Yeah. Absolutely. Do you teach your children what feelings are and that they can tolerate frustration? Yes. Especially my four-year-old. Tada. You have more of a chance to screw your kids up than you do. Like, you're doing all the right things. You're doing all the right things. And here's my opinion. This is just my opinion. I want my kid to go to school and hear wild, weird things. I want them to hear beliefs that I don't agree with. I want to hear all sorts of things while he still lives in my home so that he comes to me and asks me, hey Dad, what about, I heard that, whatever the thing might be. Yeah, because if I try to shield him and create a bubble for him to exist in, and I, I personally get down on my hands and knees and and wipe off his knee every time he scrapes it, he's going to go to college or he's going to go straight to the workforce, and the world's gonna set him on fire. Yeah. And so I'm gonna do what's best for him academically. It's my job to teach him spiritually. It's my job to make sure he reads. It's my job to make sure, and again, I'm speaking very liberally. It's my wife is, was Dr. Deloney way before me. She's way smarter. Um, but it's our job to make sure these things, these benchmarks are met. I'm not gonna outsource that to the state or to the to the government. So send him to the school where he's gonna thrive the best socially, academically, etc. Mmm-hmm. And if it doesn't work, just move him the next year. Mmm-hmm. If it doesn't work. Oh yeah, I also forgot the year of homeschool that was not great during COVID. Like, you see what I'm saying? Like, it, you have so much pressure. Permanent. Do the next right thing. Let it ride. And be willing to go, that was dumb. That was dumb. And we're gonna do the next thing. Yeah. Here's what I know. I know I trust you to do what's right for you and your family. Mmm-hmm. So if no one's ever told you that besides your husband, hear it a second time. Becca, I believe in you as a mom. And I believe in you as a wife. And I believe in you as somebody who's co-creating a home for their kids. And I'm proud as hell of the work you're doing. And I'm proud that you're gonna screw up some stuff, some things royally. And you're going to, you're sorry. And you're gonna do the next right thing after that. Yeah. If you have some real courage later on down the road, don't send it. Don't send it. Please God, don't send it. But write the letter to Mom. Yeah. And say thank you for the things that she gave you. Because as hard as it is to see through the smoke sometimes, she did give you some great stuff. Yeah, she did. And be honest about the things that made life really hard that you're gonna have to overcome for years. And then be really clear in that letter about the things you're doing differently with your kids. And let your mom go. 'Cause in a weird way, you're the one still dragging her into these conversations. If she lived next door to you like Ray Romano's mom and like was always knocking on your door, that'd be one thing. You're 2,000 miles away. You're half a continent away. Yeah. So in weird ways, you're still, you, you're still searching for that one thing you can do or the one thing you can say that she's finally gonna exhale and go, I'm so proud of you. You're a great mom. And Becca, I hate to tell you this, that call is not coming. Yeah. So your job is to find the people in your life that will be honest with you. And when you are doing a great job, they'll look at you and say, amazing. Yeah. That cool? Yeah. Yeah.
And it's, I mean, I know it's not lying, it's not any of that, but it just feels like I've just, for the last six months, I've just like left her out of so many parts of my life that I maybe would have invited her into before. But she opted out.
Becca, she opted out. Becca, she opted out. It's not. Yeah, she opted out. And I hate that because I wish she was right by your side in this. But when she looked at the fact that your husband is somebody who is dedicated his life to service, and when y'all have looked at, hey, you know what? We live in one of the most expensive places on planet Earth. And so we're gonna make do it the best we can. And that also means we don't just drop our kids off in the yard, that we have to go take them to parks and go be active and go move around because that's what we have to do. Yeah. Yeah. And she looked at you and said, you're a bad mom. She opted out. Yeah. She opted out. And so it's not dishonest to not include somebody who doesn't have the emotional or psychological or physical capacity to participate. In fact, in a weird way, it's a gift to her because she has told you, I can't lift this weight. So if you keep putting that weight on the bar, it's gonna crush her. You just have to make peace with, not make peace, you have to grieve. You had this picture of Mom being able to come in and sit by you and cheer you on because you've been searching for that Mom, am I doing a good enough job? You've been searching for that since you were so little. And the answer is yes. And the answer is also, she does not have the capacity to tell you that. I'm sorry. And this is a hard thing for me to tell you, you have to make a choice to stop seeking it. Because a choice to continue to seek something that can never be true, or it probably will not be true, is a choice to be miserable in the present. And you don't deserve that. Your kids don't deserve that. Your husband doesn't deserve that. Your coworkers and clients don't deserve that. That call is not coming. So sit down at the kitchen table this weekend and put a box out on the table and be very clear about who gets a vote in your life. And if you only have one, and it's your husband, then you've got a mission ahead of you. And that's to get some people that you trust that you will say, hey, dude, I'm gonna lean on you. You're my 2 AM ride or die. And if you do have four or five or six people that you can call your sister, your friend, your mother-in-law, whoever that happens to be, your husband, you want to be a real gangster, call them and tell them. Call them and tell them you have a vote in my life. You have access to my soul, to my heart. Please wield that power and responsibility with care and with wisdom. And it will, your, your body will relax in a way that it probably hasn't ever. Becca, you're a good mom. Your kids are lucky to have you. Your husband's lucky to have you by his side. I'm grateful that you called.