Transcription
Gudiya, what is this? What is this? What is this? What is this? This is Nick Jonas, Priyanka Chopra. Where are you from, Priyanka Chopra? You think you are Nick Jonas. Your face is like that elastic underwear, Nick Jonas. Where are you from, Priyanka Chopra, you say? By the way, hello, Mandakini ji, hello. How are you? Actually, my name is Gudiya, but today if you want to call me Kala, Kala, then these are our artists, these are our designers. Okay, okay. Not just any designer. Our mat wasn't wet yet, sister. Met Gala, Gala, Gala. Met Gala hasn't happened yet. The outfit Alia Bhatt wore, they designed it. Really? No, sister, they did, they did, they did. Yes, yes, they did. Remember properly. They did it. This is nothing. Did they design Sidharth Malhotra's entire sherwani for his wedding with Kiara Advani? They did, they did, they did. We did it. They did it. And sister, at our village wedding, we even designed the Sarpanch's dhoti. Tell us something big. Tell us something big. Yes, the Sarpanch was very big, his dhoti was very big. We designed it. Tell us about a big person. About a big person. We even designed Elon Musk's dhoti. Make everyone wear a dhoti. Elon Musk wears a dhoti. We are trying to get you into Bollywood here. You are not getting out of the dhoti. Now, to tell you the truth. I don't know if I'll wear a dhoti or not, but I will definitely make you wear a dhoti. Get out. Hey Jonas, you also get out. Gudiya, the thing is, I am a contestant. Miss India's contest is coming up, so I am participating. You will see very soon, Miss India will be attached to my name. And that will be the last program, after which the stage will be set on fire. Right, Sharma ji, you know that all the crops in Punjab have ripened. Yes, so go and harvest the crops. Why are you cutting off my words? You look very good, very cute. Do you know you can become Miss India? But if the event is delayed, standing for four hours, she becomes Mr. Her mustache starts to grow. Ignore all these things. I am telling the truth. Sangeeta ji, I have been a big fan of yours. I am your fan. Who did your hair? This is our hair stylist. She did it. Did she do it? She just placed it on top. So, Sangeeta ji, you have been Miss India. So you have experience. So we wanted to take some advice from you. We are a little confused about fitness. What is it? Whatever we eat, our body doesn't seem to absorb it. How much do you want it to absorb? No, no, I'm saying that no matter how much we eat, our body doesn't feel like it has eaten. The body gets hungry again. Yes, it's like that. Just the day before yesterday, it happened. I'm telling you, the day before yesterday, I had such a lunch. After 10 minutes, I felt hungry. So I immediately had dinner. Then I felt hungry at dinner time, so I had breakfast. And after breakfast, you can't just go to sleep, right? So before sleeping, I had lunch one more time. So your four lunches, four, four? Yes, it happens. It happens. That much does happen. Gudiya, aren't you saying strange things today? When the stomach is empty, strange things come out. So you know it's been 10 minutes since I had lunch. Not a grain of food has gone into my stomach for 10 minutes. Do one thing, soak 50 almonds in the river. You have to find and eat them in the morning. What will happen with that? It will take you time to find them. You won't eat our brains. Sharma ji, tell me one thing. If we remove 'soon' from 'monsoon', what remains? 'Moun' (silence). Yes, so be silent for a while. Superb ji, Sangeeta ji, Varsha ji, what can I tell you? I am so obsessed with becoming Miss India. I drink milk from a bowl every morning. Why? No, someone told us that you have to do a cat walk there. So I am adopting all the habits of a cat. Yes. But the day before yesterday, honestly, it caused a problem. I was practicing my cat walk on my roof. I said, "Meow, meow." So the neighboring Mr. Mishra replied, "You don't come, I'll come." Now Mr. Mishra's wife heard this. Because of my cat walk, even her normal walk is not happening. Walk like this, old woman, you can't become Miss India. To become Miss India, you have to speak in English, English. I am taking classes. I am learning English. But so far, I have learned ₹30 worth of English. What is ₹30 worth of English? Let's say ₹30. Actually, I don't feel like saying it. Suppose you become Miss India, what will you do? This is something that has to be done. It's compulsory. It has to be done. Everyone does it, you know. And after doing this, I will do something for our society. What will you do for society? I will get married. Because Mandakini ji, I am telling you the truth, I am not getting married in our society. Why? But I won't tell you. Yes, about a week ago, my wedding was almost finalized, but it got cancelled due to the Pandit's mistake. How? Six rounds were completed, then the Pandit, I don't know what he put in the Havan Kund, so much smoke came out, the groom regained consciousness. Are you getting married while unconscious? Who will marry me when I'm conscious? Where does the confidence to talk about all these things come from? Is there a tablet for this, Sharma ji? No, confidence is within a person. You are lucky that a little confidence is outside today. This is a product. It's very good. It gives a lot of confidence. Try it. I'll give it to you. This is a packet of confidence. Eat it once. After that, you can even tickle a lion. Will the lion eat you? Will it not hit you? No, see, if the lion enjoys your tickling, it won't kill you. If it doesn't enjoy your tickling, then it will enjoy eating you. What does the lion want? It wants enjoyment. It wants enjoyment. Sangeeta ji, yes. In your modeling days, everyone used to call you Bijli (electricity), right? Yes, yes. To tell you the truth, in my village, everyone calls me Bijli too. Oh, many people's views are blown away. In my village, you look like electricity. Thank you. No, I'm not joking, seriously. One boy came to see me, and doctors are still seeing him. They didn't call you Bijli, they called you Transformer. What beauty! That boy was her aunt's son, so he knows everything about our family. I don't know how. Varsha ji, you were also born in Goa, right? Yes, we were also going to be born in Goa. Going to be born. So how did you not get born? Because of Anita? Who is Anita? Anita is our mother. She used to go, but she would just drink beer and return. That's wrong. That's wrong. No decent boy ever wooed her in Goa. Otherwise, we could have been born in Goa. And still, who did you marry? My father should have seen. Not only beer is available, but coconut water is also available. Oh? Why didn't he drink that? He drank that too. He told me once he drank it. So what happened? No, but tell me. The man she married, my father. I am telling you the truth. When I was born, I was crying and saying, "Change father, change father, change father." They changed my diaper, but not my father. Okay, now we're leaving. I also need to water the flowers. It was very nice meeting you. Hello. I have to prepare for Miss India. How is it? Wait. You can't stay in the back room. We are staying there. One minute. Is this my house or a railway station? People are coming and going. Okay, but the amazing thing is, the compartments have arrived first, and the engine is coming now. If this engine runs over you, you might turn from a human into a mushroom. So, one second. Gudiya, what are you doing in our house? Well, a leopard came into our house. It went under the bed. One minute, were you sitting on top? Yes. So it must have hidden out of fear of you. You came. It must have left. Go and check. He's throwing stones here. One minute, Sharma ji. There's also a letter attached to the stone. Surely, some admirer of ours. Let's read what it says. It's not "I love you." It says "Kapil Sharma Massage." What is this? What happens in this? I'll tell you what happens. Hello, hello. Sit, sit. Thank you, thank you. How are you all? How are you all? No. The tone changes with these people. How are you all, man? You missed me this much. You didn't even call me. Oh, I called you. You weren't coming yourself. Where were you? I would have come, Kapu, but he brainwashed me. Who? Money. She won't change. Yes. Archana ji, my mind was so messed up. I started selling banana peels. Huh? Who sells banana peels? I told you my mind was messed up. Your mind is also messed up, Kapu. You took her on the show. She used to deliver newspapers here. You took her on the show. Double-story woman. Don't say anything about me. Understand? Nothing like that. Say it, say it, say it, say it, Sapna. Say it. We are with you. Are you with me? One minute, take this money and be with someone else. I don't want your company. I don't even want your six. Now I'm telling you all, don't come here. This show wants only one woman. Excuse me, one second. Archana ma'am and I are already here. Oh, sorry, sorry. This show wants only one talented woman. I am very angry with Archana ji. Why? I won't talk to her. Kapu, what happened? Oh, I called her. She said the number has changed. Then I called again. She said the number has changed. I called a third time. I said, "I need to send money to this number." She said the number has changed. I was like, "Oh my god." Sapna. Yes. Sapna, you've arrived. It's really great. Thank you, Kapu. Do you know, Kapu? This season was supposed to come. Yes, now I've arrived. Sidhu ji has also arrived. Slowly, all the old people will return. Don't get too happy. If too many old people arrive, you'll also go. The water has stopped flowing from the tap. You didn't say the tap is broken. Why did you call a plumber? Hey, Gujli, this looks like a tortoise sticking its head out. Kapu, is this your mother-in-law? Yes, my mother-in-law. Is she all here, or are more relatives coming? Son-in-law, this woman like a coconut tree is your sister. Okay, okay, you said it well. You said it well. Hey, fat cardamom, if you support the small cardamom too much, this ginger will team up with her and crush you all. And will mix you in tea and drink you. Women bigger than men. I don't want to say much, otherwise, I'll soak you and beat you, and soak you and beat you. I'm a massage person. One minute, one minute, one minute. Let's sit and talk calmly, shall we? These are all things. Nobody talks sitting down. I sat at home for 8 months. Nobody talked to me. This is right. This is right. So you know very well. You act very smart here. Brother, she is my mother. Is this something to be told? She is my mother. Oh, hide her away. Aunty, I have a request. Please tie your bun in front of your mouth too. Even if you hide me completely, her daddy will find me. Spot, Sapna, these people have been staying in my house for two years. I know. Pappu, why did you give me this? Two years. You've been in this house for two years? Okay, pay the rent for the house. I am the wife. This house is mine. Did I come for the wedding? No. So, wedding cancelled. Right? I didn't see the wedding, so wedding cancelled. Oh, you weren't even there during the independence, so is independence cancelled? Sapna. You kick them out. We two brothers and sisters will stay in this. Are you my charger that we will stay together? What need do I have for this? Listen, will we stay together? Are you telling me to get out? Get out. We are here. We are. Sapna is here. Sharma ji, we will stay together. I've been listening to your nonsense for six months. Now you all get out of here. Now I am in charge. Son-in-law, your sister is very rude. Yes, so what do you all think? Only you are rude? I am also rude. I have watched the show for a full month, six to eight months. Yes, I put a camera on Pandey's stomach. Yes. What do you think, does he breathe in and out like this? No, I used to zoom in and zoom out like this. Thank you, Pandey. I love you, Pandey. I have watched the entire show. Oh, enough, enough. Now there's no need to make such a mess of your brain, Sapna. What will you take to leave from here? First, give me something for coming to Sony. Hey, don't bother my brother too much. You want to come so much, right? He won't come until he does this interview. We will. Pappu, you do the interview comfortably. Now I'll take them. Don't worry. I will take care of Raju, what do you call him? Gudiya, Bindu, and her mother. No tension. Right? Okay. Okay. Now, with love. Come this way. Come this way. Sharma ji, yes, I've brought sweets for everyone. Everyone will eat sweets. In celebration of what? In celebration that this buffalo of ours, you see her, Phooljadiya, yes, she has given birth to twin calves. Twins. And both of them have taken after us in beauty and cuteness. How did they take after you? No, no. They say that whatever pregnant lady's face a pregnant lady sees the most before delivering, the children resemble that person. Okay, Anuj, let me introduce myself. I am Bachcha Yadav. I am a producer of milk. Producer? How? Do you give milk yourself? What strange things are you saying? We give it, man. We are the ones who deliver milk door-to-door, aren't we? And honestly, if anyone complains that your milk is adulterated, you add water. They come to us, not to the buffalo. You add water to the milk. Man, Sharma ji, the doctor said, you would agree, the doctor said to drink 4 liters of water a day. If you don't drink it yourself, we will provide it, brother. Anyway, NRI vibes, man. What a thing! Loud applause, man. Wow, wow. We saw the promo, the trailer of your film. It's amazing. All the actors have done a great job. But there is one specific boy. Yes, yes. There's a boy, very handsome, dashing, smart, good-looking. What's his name? Kiku Sharda. Do you know the actor Kiku Sharda? Oh, we know him. He's our close friend. We live in the same house, and our children call him Papa, Papa. The only problem is, we earn, and he spends it all. Sameer Soni ji, how are you? Just fine, fine, fine, fine. We saw you in "Baghban." You played the role of our uncle's son. It was great fun watching you. Your uncle's son's role? You mean our uncle's son also kicked his father out of the house. But it's not our uncle's fault. He was diligently working hard at his extortion and kidnapping business. Okay, the son didn't like something, got angry, and kicked his father out. Uncle was also doing wrong things. Then it's not wrong. See, sir, it would be wrong if he took the ransom and didn't return the kidnapped person. Then it would be wrong. If you are taking money and giving goods, it's a business. Yes, this is pure business. Bachcha, are you here to talk nonsense? See, Sharma ji, no one is born from their mother's womb talking nonsense. This channel makes people talk nonsense. The pressure to make people laugh has to be there. And people enjoy it. We also enjoy it, by the way. Aditi ji, you are a doctor, right? Yes. Can you please take a look at this buffalo? What is it? Come, check. No, really, there's a bit of a problem. She's been dizzy for two days, and because of the dizziness, she's not giving milk, she's giving lassi directly. Bachcha, aren't you ashamed? She's a doctor for humans. This is wrong, Sharma ji. This discrimination, this discrimination is not a good thing. What about humans, what about animals? We are telling you the truth, sometimes when we get sick, we go to animal doctors. Yes, because it shouldn't feel like no human comes to them. Yes, Hiten ji, tell me one thing. When you got married, you wore a sherwani, right? Did you wear a tejwani there too? Tejwani was also worn. Tejwani because it was Tejwani's wedding. Oh, that's true. Have you had children? No, have you not had children yet? Where would children come from? Bhagyshree ji, I'm a big fan of yours. I really like your hairstyle. Thank you. Thank you very much. But honestly, we really like you. We have a nephew. He's become very wayward these days. Please explain to him a little. Bring him to the right path. Make him do some work. Why will he listen to them? Oh, Sharma ji. In the first film, they made Salman Khan do labor. They made Salman Khan do labor. What is our nephew? Bachcha, what are you doing here? Oh, man, sorry, sorry, sorry. I forgot to tell you the main thing. You'll be happy to know that my wedding is fixed. Yes, an NRI, an NRI girl, Angelina. Why would an NRI girl get engaged to you? Is our passport torn? Who arranged your engagement? Elon Musk's bird arranged it. Where is it? See, nowadays, everything is on social media. So our engagement also happened on social media. Honestly, we posted a smiling photo of ourselves on social media. Like this. See. So we posted the smiling photo. Below it, a comment came very lovingly: "What rubbish is this?" We understood the girl is interested. "What rubbish is this?" means "What nonsense is this?" Sharma ji, leave it, man. I know that much English too. I know English very well. Hiten ji, I know so much English. You tell me in English. Speak, speak. Bachcha, you are looking very handsome. I know. Listen to me. If you want to go out, then change your attire a little. You know it gets very cold there. Dhoti won't work there. Dhoti doesn't work here either. You have to put your own feet in it and walk. And if you have to put your own feet in it, then you can put your feet in anything there and walk. It will be done. Excuse me, I'm getting a call. Oh my god. Oh, it's Angelina. Let me talk. Hello. Yeah, baby, I'm coming here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. One minute, one minute, one minute. 4392, that is the OTP. Hey, don't send that. Wait, wait. There is just a man who is jealous because I talk English fluently. He is jealous. Hello, baby, baby, baby, hello. Hey, Sharma ji, what happened? My lifelong earnings are gone from my bank account. I told you, fraud is happening. Don't give the OTP. Where were you saying that? You were saying Bachcha, Bachcha, say this, fraud, fraud, fraud. Oh man, all my lifelong earnings have been taken from my bank account. How hard I worked to save this. What can I tell you? You know, if I ever felt like eating cashews in my life, I would write "cashew" on a garlic and eat it. If you had to write and eat, you could have written it on paper and eaten it. Paper? Yes, good idea. But paper irritates the eyes. Then there's a problem in the morning. Not paper. Anyway, my lifelong earnings are gone. Only one path remains. Which path? Where we came from. And anyway, what's the big deal about lifelong earnings? We'll earn ₹100 again. What's the big deal? If we can't earn, we'll take from Kiku Sharda. He did an NRI movie, he must have earned in dollars. Let's go now. Okay, see you. Okay, bro. Let's go.