Transcription
INFJs don't enable other people's fantasies because we're naive. We do this because we know how it feels like not to be allowed to live out the life the way we see fit. We want to help others. We want to encourage them. We want to tell them the way you see life is fine. It's actually magical. Like please continue and don't give up that spark that you have within you.
The problem though is that this very often leads to codependent relationships. It enables narcissistic tendencies in others and it doesn't really quite get the job done. What is the job? To allow not only the other person but also ourselves to create real belonging, to create authentic connection, and to allow everybody to live out their authentic selves. So today, let's talk about how to stop enabling other people's fantasies. How to stop enabling others illusions while also allowing everybody to live out their truth. And it all starts with how we approach the situation, how we change our behavior, how we make sure that our reality comes first in our mind.
Before we get started, since 2026 is just around the corner, I updated the following poster for you. So, you can now get the 2026 goals checklist for INFJs. It's all based on the five pillars to an INFJ epic life. So, you can set the goals that you want to achieve based on each pillar and you can track their progress. You can get the poster through link in the description. You can also join boot camp, join my other programs or work with me oneonone. Everything you need to know you can find through the links in the description.
Why it happens? So, as INFJs, we can read patterns and we're great observers. This is not only something we're capable of doing. This is something we enjoy doing. So, when we meet another person and they seem interesting to us, it's like a new puzzle. We want to understand how that person thinks, what perspective they have on life, and there's so much we can absorb from this. This is an incredible experience for a lot of INFJs. And most of the time when you meet people like this, there's always pain connected to that. People very often build this amazing inner world or fantasy or an escape from reality because reality seems too harsh. It is too different to who we actually are. And as INFJs, we know this very well. We've always been different. We've always not quite fit in. We've always lived on the edges of society. but how I like to call it, we're actually pioneers. And it's not that we're outsiders or we have to be outcasts. No, we're actually here to be an example of what it means to live authentically. And before we really get to this place, we very often feel like since I would want somebody to make space for me and for my experience, this is what I can do for another person. I can see their pain. I can see the wonder in how they see the world. I see all the complexities in that, the good and the bad. And if they could, they would live out the world the way they see fit. It just doesn't work with their environment. And so very often those codependent relationships happen which are based on the INFJ making space for the other person's reality. So this is what I've experienced in platonic relationships. This is what I've experienced in romantic relationships. It is something that a lot of INFJs do on autopilot without even recognizing it. Because on the one hand, we can create this belonging. We can create this connection. We can allow another person to be more of who they are. And it seems like an easy way out if you think about it because it seems like you can give the other person something nobody else can give them cuz nobody can understand them like that. And if you create this for somebody else, then how are they going to leave you? How are they going to abandon you? And so this plays into the INFJ's unconscious fears um because we've been different. And we've learned in early childhood on that this is the best way to create connection to make sure that we belong by allowing other people to be more of who they are. This is our skill set and this is what we think we can do. And very often we feel like the other person is starving for it and we're here and we can provide that for them.
What feeding the illusion actually looks like. So this is the challenge. So of course we want every single person to be allowed to live out their truth, right? I believe that in most areas of like let's say western societies, you can actually do this. Yes, we all kind of have to adapt, but at the core we're all allowed to be ourselves. The problem though is that every single person has to learn how to deal with their wish to be understood, to be seen, and at the same time recognize that there's a level of who I am that's always going to be misunderstood. And by the way, this is not an INFJ thing. Every single person, if they're an ISTJ, if they're an ENFJ, if they're an ISTP, I don't care. Every single person has a part of them that only they will have access to. And the earlier we understand it, the more we can actually change our behavior. Because otherwise we kind of feel like, oh, I can sense that in another person. I can see their inner world. I can connect with them through that. Maybe that will give me a chance for them to see me the way I want to be seen. But trust me, there's always a part that's just never going to be available to us. how a part of us is always going to be unavailable to other people if they're INFJs or not. And so feeding the illusion isn't about allowing another person to be who they truly are. Feeding the illusion actually means that we encourage another person to do things that they would normally not get away with. It's like we create space so they can act in ways that aren't the healthiest. They can act in ways where they're taking too much from others or they're letting out their anger or they're taking up space in a way that normally other people wouldn't make room for. If you feel like the only way this person can live out their authentic selves is if you are around, then this is feeding the delusion. Because you as an INFJ, you could survive who you are and how you see the world and the way you go through life without a particular person being around you. But how often are you in situations where you feel like if you wouldn't be there, they wouldn't be able to live at that level that you're providing? Because what you're doing is you're building a buffer. You're allowing them to live out their illusion while you pick up the pieces that are not working, that are not accepted in society, where somebody might go overboard. So, for example, if somebody has so much anger in them and you're the one who always picks it up, they can sort of go through life and nobody recognizes that they have this anger issue that they're not working on yet. So, this is in a way feeding the illusion.
First off, we have to understand why we're doing this. We do this because we can feel another person's pain and we don't want to feel that pain. So this is one of the main reasons we actually want to take that pain away because if we're connected to somebody, if we feel like this is a connection we want, we also experience that person's pain and it's painful to us and we want that pain to stop. So you kind of like become this crutch without even recognizing it. So this is the first reason. The second reason is because we would have wished somebody would have done this for us. When we were younger, when we wanted to be allowed to be all that we are and society constantly told us the way you are is wrong. You're not supposed to do this. You can't, you know, go through life thinking this way. And you're constantly bombarded with these judgments. you would have wished there was somebody there for you who would have said listen I make room for you so you can be all that you are but you know probably that didn't happen because people didn't understand our needs um and you know the story continues but now we're adults and we have to learn how to create a life how to create a lifestyle how to create an environment that allows us to be more of who we are right so me living this kind of life for example is way more in alignment with who I want to be than if I was in a corporate world and I had to play by so many rules that I can't play by. I just don't want to. And it is costing me a lot of my authentic being that I now can be. So these are extreme examples, but it's on us to create that environment. And so wanting to take pain away from the other person, understanding where they're coming from. Both of those points are one of the main reasons why we do this. But there's a third reason and it's a really big one and it's that we don't want to be the ones who say you have to wake up from your dream. Because this is really heartbreaking because as INFJs, we can see that dream. We can see that inner world. We can see the, you know, incredible internal map to some extent and we probably can see it more than other people. And when you show up as all that you are, when you stop being a crutch to that person, most of the time they actually wake up because before you were creating this world with them. You know, it's one thing if a person goes through life and they don't know what it means to be more of who they are and then they just continue through life like this. It's another thing if they meet an INFJ who connects with them, who makes space for them, who kind of like becomes this container for the other person's world or they expand the other person's world or internal world and then you take it away from them. Uh this is heartbreaking on all sides and this is one of the reasons why we then keep feeding the illusion.
But here's the uncomfortable truth. You're not really protecting another person. You're being an enabler. You're being a crutch. Yes, the intentions are good. And yes, it's a fine line between being a crutch, being somebody who enables another person, or being somebody who's like a big cheerleader for them. But here's how you can recognize if you're supporting the other person or if you're feeding their illusion. Are you paying a price? Are you acting in a way that is not in alignment with who you truly are? Meaning, if you pretend you're weaker than you are, so you're not mirroring something back to them. So, for example, let's say you're really good at drawing and your friend is kind of like learning to draw and you pretend you're worse at it than you are. You kind of feel like you're protecting the other person's feelings, right? But you're paying a price. The price is that you're not being all that you are. You're not tapping into your greatness. But if you would show up and you would create this amazing masterpiece, then you're afraid, oh, the other person would see all the ways that they fall short in this regard, right? And this is something a lot of INFJs struggle with. And of course, it is not about drawing. It is so seldom about drawing. And when you bring out your greatness, you're probably not going to be the exact same version as the other person is. And of course, we're not always better at all the things another person is great at. Every single one of us has unique advantages, unique qualities and skills, but there's always parts of us that we seem to keep small in order not to trigger another person because being an INFJ, this is one of the things that just naturally happens. You can either adapt to another person or being more of who you are very often triggers other people. But here is the thing. You can't pretend that you don't exist, that your greatness doesn't exist, that your way of seeing the world doesn't exist, and you're not helping another person. You can protect them to some extent, but at the end, if you want to help them grow, you have to help them to be okay in a world if you weren't there. Otherwise, this is being an enabler. And I've done this, for example, with my best friend in college who is an INFP. We've talked about this many times that this was a codependent relationship and you know it was totally platonic and we actually helped each other a lot get through college, get better grades because we had this dynamic but so much of it was based on I didn't want to show up in who I am because I was afraid of everything that might trigger in other people and I was solely focusing on her. And this is a dynamic you see with INFJs very often where you say, "Okay, INFJs attract narcissists and INFJs get into codependent relationships because most of the time those tendencies, you know, just seem to happen and they kind of like click and attract each other." And it's like something so many INFJs um experience. And you know, when I talk about narcissists, sometimes it's just a person in pain, somebody who's depressed, somebody who's not really being able to, you know, experience life the way they want. And if we're not careful, we will think we're responsible for this. And because of that, you know, it kind of like enables the other person to focus only on their pain and only on their own experience. And through that, they suffer even more. And the list goes on and on. But even more than that, there's also a hidden cost. If you, as an INFJ, get into these kind of relationships. And they can be with a colleague, they can be with family members, they can be with friends, they can be with romantic relationships. These relationship dynamics are draining to an INFJ because you're making space for the other person. And you're doing this at your own expense. If you allow yourself to tap into more of the things that you like, you listen to the music that inspires you. You don't only listen to it when you're by yourself, but you actually share it. You take up space with the choices that you make. You do things that make you feel empowered. Every single time you do this, you gather more and more energy. A lot of this we actually learn in boot camp and you can also check out the 10 principles of INFJ energy management. But the exact opposite of this, and this is what a lot of INFJs learn, is how can I put myself in a situation where I can barely keep my head above water so I'm surviving and I can give all my excess energy to somebody else. And we're not doing this only out of altruistic reasons, right? We also have to look at it from the perspective of it feels too scary to put all the attention on ourselves because we might feel too bored with our life because we have to take responsibility of creating something exciting with our life without having that other person who is an expansion of our life. Right? There's so many reasons why we're doing this and one of them is because our last function is extroverted sensing. Because really putting who we are into reality, anchoring that in is always going to be a challenge for us. But just because it's a challenge doesn't mean it's not doable. And we have to recognize that actually betting on ourselves and saying first and foremost I'm going to create who I am from the inside out and only then I'm going to connect with other people. That is actually the key to creating an INFJ epic life, living in alignment and enjoying life to the fullest.
The empowering takeaway. What so many INFJs underestimate is how much we can inspire others when we bet on ourselves. Because you can tell another person, "Oh, your life is great and your worldview is amazing and why do you struggle with yourself so much?" It all doesn't matter if all they're seeing is that you are neglecting your life and your worldview. The more you bet on yourself, the more of an inspiration you are for another person to choose themselves. So you're not feeding their illusions, but you're on the sidelines cheering them on while you're building your life for yourself. Because we all have to find a compromise. There will always be parts of us that nobody's ever going to understand completely. And that's okay. And that is what we actually have in common. That every single person, if they're an INFJ or not, will have a part of them that others won't understand. Maybe partially, maybe not at all. But it's on us to find a balance in how do I show up in the world? How do I create connections? How do I create this flow of what is internally me and how I show up on the outside? And when you bet on yourself first and you stop feeding other people's illusions, you actually say, "I know what reality is. I know that this is your internal world and you have all the right to live out that world and that is yours. But I'm not going to pretend like this is something that everybody has to play by. You do you, I do me. We can find a compromise or not. A lot of people will back off and that's totally fine. But it all starts with us. I don't get in these situations anymore. And the best part about it is I've actually improved all my relationships. There are so many relationships where I walked on eggshells with family members, with friends. And now some of those relationships are less intense. They're less connected. They're less enshed, but they're way more peaceful because I've been the one who said, "No, this is how I see the world. This is what is reality for me, and I will see how I will get through life my way." And you can connect with me through that. I'm not going to hide my strengths anymore. I'm not going to hide my quirks anymore. I'm not going to hide my vulnerabilities. And all of this is a package of who I am. And this package is not as comfortable as the roles I used to play before. So, I've actually made it harder for people to like me. And at first, this is painful. But through that, you know, the people who connect with you connect with you because they like the real you. Remember, we rather want to be disliked for who we are than to be liked for who we're not. And when we're feeding another person's illusion, we're pretending we're somebody else because we know the truth. We know that this is an illusion. We know that this is a fantasy. And you know, we can recognize this as such. And as long as we pretend like we're playing by those rules and we're not letting them know that we are aware of all of this, we are feeding those illusions. So, let's stop with this. Let's focus on ourselves first. 2026 is the time to do this. Remember, download the poster, check out the courses, you know, join boot camp, work with me oneonone. All of those options are available to you. Check them out through the links in the description. And if you want to watch another video now that is in line with today's topic, then check out the video you see on the screen right now. I wish you a great start into 2026, and I see you in the new year. Bye, guys.