3 Reasons Why The Narcissist MUST Abuse You

Good evening from Liverpool, ladies and gentlemen. If you're watching this on the replay, welcome and thank you for joining us. If you're live, I'm going to, uh, speak for about eight minutes, and then I will be taking some questions. Let's get straight into it.

The first reason that the narcissist needs to abuse you is because of something called splitting. After the eight-minute section, I will, uh, help people by speaking about this a little bit more in depth. But for the sake of brevity, let's say something like this: When the narcissistic child is born into their environment, they're essentially trapped between two simultaneous messages. It might be coming, one message from the mother, one message from the father, one message from both parents, and another message from school where the adult injunctions are coming from. We don't know, but we know that they are polarizing, and that this creates a split.

So, the child is being told, the narcissistic child, child that is developing, uh, narcissistic personality disorder as a f, as a defense, is being told that they are wonderful and amazing, which is bad data because they're not wonderful and amazing, they're just a kid. And that they're awful and pointless, which is also bad data because they're not awful and pointless, they're just a kid. They're a human being. So, they're receiving bad data, which is the keystone of their delusional, uh, map of reality, their delusional self-image. And they point in opposite directions. One takes them over here, one takes them over there. "You're amazing and you're wonderful." "You're awful and you're terrible." And they begin to split.

As they begin to split in their own minds, which is why you will see them showing up as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, sometimes very charming and pleasant and seductive and, and even faing. And then they will go into their fight response, become very bullying, very aggressive, and very nasty towards you. That's because they're cycling through the two polarities of, of their internalized super ego injunctions. We'll get into that a little bit in a moment. This makes them need to abuse you because sometimes there's, like, imagine it like this: there's a, a, a nice inner voice and a nasty inner voice. The nice inner voice is telling me, "I'm the narcissist, Richard, you're amazing, you're so clever, you must be some sort of a genius, my dear fellow. Everybody loves you." And then, like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, the other voice kicks in and goes, "Don't be so stupid, nobody loves you, everybody hates you, you're a ridiculous person." And you have this fight in between.

Now, when this one is starting to take over, I'm having a bad day, I'm running low on narcissistic supply. In order to get out of this one methodology is to abuse the target. When I abuse the target, it proves to the grandiose, uh, polarity that I'm special, that I'm important, that I'm worthy of fear, worthy of respect, worthy of special treatment. And it pulls me away from this voice, which I'm terrified of, because if I get sucked into this, I'm doomed. So, they need to abuse you in order to feel okay. Not even to get narcissistic elation, just to feel okay. Depending on the day, depending on the circumstances, if narcissistic supply is abundant, probably not so much. But when narcissistic supply is intermittent or not of a high quality, or starts to disappear, that's when they'll become abusive. Because they are split, they are trapped between two opposing pillars pulling them in two different directions, and they desperately don't want to feel all that horrifying toxic shame.

The second reason why they must abuse you is again, back to childhood. How did they ever receive any good feedback? So, let's say there was a split between two polarities. Either they're completely neglected, or they experienced fairly serious emotional, sexual, and, and, um, psychological abuse. Either neglect and or this kind of abuse. And at the same time, though, I'm telling you that they were being told that they were good. Well, that doesn't make sense. What kind of a crazy family unit does that? What kind of a scenario does that? It's not that they're being shown authentic love. Actually, the environment is probably fairly indifferent to them as a growing human being. There's probably very little empathy, very little effective empathy, very little compassion and kindness in the environment. And so, they themselves, as a, as a, a small human being, as a small entity, they grow cold. They're not very compassionate themselves. They're very, very lacking in that effective empathy, not cognitive empathy, they have plenty of that, but they're lacking in warmth, they're lacking in kindness, they're lacking in compassion, they're lacking in mercy.

So, how could this possibly be the case? Because when I say they're getting good but unrealistic feedback, good but unrealistic, um, uh, data that they're wonderful, they're special, and they're amazing, they're getting it in a very, very, um, specific way. They're typically getting it for performance. It's performance-related feedback. So, um, here's the little narcissist. I'm the father. I will ignore you or I will just abuse you until you perform out in the world and you do something good that gets me applause from the audience. So, let's imagine this screen right here is the audience, and you're all going, "Yay! My little child did something amazing, something worthwhile, some, something noteworthy." And I am absorbing that as narcissistic supply. So, I've instrumentalized my child to give me narcissistic supply. What's happening inside of this little child's, poor little child's brain? The learning: "I can't win Daddy's love." And that's very, very painful. But "I can do things." It could be Daddy, it could be Mommy, it could be the family unit. "I can do things that seem to make Daddy happy and that talk as though he loves me or at least a reflection of me." Which is not so. The love is never, is never from the father to the son, from the mother to the daughter. It's never, it's not "I love you, son." It's "I love when you perform and do the thing that makes them applaud you and vicariously absorb that applause because I made you." Very confusing for the child, very, very confusing. But they learn, "Okay, if I perform, then I can win, uh, some sort of gratification for my father." And then he seems to be happy with, or my mother, or the family unit, or the church, or the cult, and they seem to be happy with me, and then things are better.

This means that they've been split. Their mind is split between two, uh, uh, polarizing forces. And then, if that were not bad enough, they're then forced to have a kind of self-regard, a kind of self-love that requires a mirror. Or, in the case of where we are now, a screen and an audience. They need a mirror, they need an audience. Really, a narcissist can't take love. Narcissistic personality disordered people cannot take love directly. They're not entrained for that. It repels them. It's actually, it actually doesn't feel very nice to them because real authentic love requires vulnerability and openness and all the things that they don't want to do. So, if you've been like, "Oh, I really tried to love my narcissistic partner better," you were just throwing energy into a black hole. They don't even want that. What they want is adulation. What they want is an audience who will applaud them and say, "You're so brilliant, you're so wonderful, how clever you are, what a clever little boy, what a special little girl you are." That's all they want. Everything else is, it just, it slips past them because they don't have a, they, it's almost like a sort of a mutation. They don't have a receptacle for that love. It just slides right off. And so, the only way that they can see themselves is through your eyes. If you're their partner, if you're their child, uh, whatever, or, or it's a family relationship or a friendship relationship. So, they are only getting a sense of themselves through others.

But wait, this is ego mania, isn't it? I thought they had a really big ego. Their ego was strong and stubborn and stiff. I mean, you could describe it in those terms if you wanted to. And yes, the way we use ego on a day-to-day basis, yes, yes, you could say this is, this is a sort of ego mania. But if you want to be a bit more subtle and a bit more nuanced and a little bit more intricate, we could say, if we're using psychoanalytic theory, actually, there isn't really an ego there. There's a super ego. There's the, there's the, the Freudian Uber, the over-self, which, which is badly translated to super ego. But no ego. They have that. That's why they lack boundaries. That's why they don't like being told no. That's why they will go through your phone. That's why they will walk into your bedroom without knocking on the door because they have no boundaries with themselves. So, they have no boundaries with other people. They do not know themselves. So, they really don't know other people. Humanity, at its essence, is a kind of mystery to them, except when it comes through the mirror. They're only seeing themselves through your eyes. And they can only see human beings by the responses of other human beings around them. And if there is no observable response, then they have no sense of self.

Oh, so why does that mean they have to abuse you? Let me say it again: If there is no external observable response, they have no data to work from. Nothing. They cannot intuit what, what you might be feeling. They cannot intuit what a person, um, uh, could possibly be going through. They have to create observable reactions. "Ah, now I know what's happening. Yes, they're crying. Good, good, good. Oh, everyone's very angry, or everyone's very visibly happy, or everyone's very, uh, uh, full of fear. Now I know what's happening. Now I can tell what my sense of self is because I'm getting good, clear signals from people as to their reactions." If you're all quiet and peaceful and harmonious in your house, I say this is a romantic relationship, or with your boss, or with a family member, and everything is going well, and you think, "Oh, I've cracked the code here. Everything's great." They will become very, very, very agitated because you are making them disappear. Their sense of self is weakening with every second of harmony and peace that goes by until it becomes totally unbearable for them. The only way out: drama, conflict, manipulation, game playing, betrayal, wounding. They will inflict the kinds of wounds on you that you will be struggling and wrestling with to overcome for months, preferably years. Why? Because the longer you flop around like a fish on the hook, flapping, wheezing, and gasping, the more they get their sense of self. They can only see themselves through the reactions of other people. They need the mirror. And the only way that they see themselves in a direct relationship with you is through their eyes, is through your eyes, excuse me.

That means when you see them and they seem to be dissociating and they're not properly concentrating and they're not really listening to what you're saying, it is because, "Okay, you're having a conversation. I'm, I'm a narcissist. I'm a narcissist. Finally, Richard Granon admits he's a narcissist. I was a narcissist all along, you fools. I'm a narcissist. You're talking to me." I said, "How, how is your day?" And you start talking, and I'm like, "Mmm, mmm." You know what I'm doing? And you're thinking, "Is this guy, is this guy high? Is he dissociating? What is this?" I am sat running, I'm, I'm, I'm feigning consciousness to you, and I'm running a simulation in my own mind of how I look to you and how we look sat together in this cafe to other people. I'm very busy. I have a lot to do. I don't be listening to the content of your day. This is all a performance. The only thing that matters is the mirror. So, I'm sat here and I'm looking at you and I'm thinking, "I wonder how I look to her right now. I wonder how she sees me right now. Is there something I could do, something I could say, some gesture I could make that would alter how she sees me? I could get a reaction from her, and then I would know in that moment, and I would be reassured that I'm in control of how she perceives me."

Does this sound familiar? Ever sat there wondering why they're looking at you, why they're scanning you, why they seem to be examining your body language and staring at your face? I've told this story before, loads of time on the channel. If you're new, you, you may not have heard it, where I was in a relationship where there was, uh, uh, in-house stalking, which meant it was so intense, I could be sat watching the TV and we'd be watching the movie together, and I could feel her staring at me to map my reactions to what was happening on the screen. It was like living with an AI, like a malevolent AI, terrifying. So, these moments of disconnection, you've probably thought, "Um, maybe I should look up if they're on the autism spectrum? Maybe they have brain damage? Um, maybe there's a genetic mutation at play here that affects their cognitive abilities?" No, it's all down to this. They're running a simulation at all times. So, I'm talking to you, I'm looking at you, and I'm checking your reactions. I'm looking at your body language, and I'm looking around. I'm like, "How do we look to the people? Do I look cool right now? Is this cool? Am I looking good right now? How do I, or if I want to look like the best father in the world, or I want to look like I have the most harmonious family in the world, or I want to look like I'm the boss of this, whatever it is, I'm checking and going, 'How does this look right now?'" So, that's one simulation I have to run. And then another simulation I have to run is, "How does this person see me right now?" So, I'm looking at you and I'm desperately trying to imagine, using my imagination, how I must look to you through your eyes in this moment. And in order to get the proper responses, I have to abuse you.

The third thing is self-loathing and self-aggression. The thing is, once you are in that narcissistically abusive relationship, because they lack proper ego boundaries, they have to kind of absorb you into them. So, you become a part of them. You become enmeshed. You become, uh, almost embodied by them. In order for them to see you and to understand you and to connect with you, they can't connect with you as a separate entity. That doesn't work. They, they, they don't. Somebody with NPD cannot do that. They connect with you as a malleable, usable part of themselves. So, they make you a part of them. It's not that they leave their fantasy space and leave the cave of their fantasy to come out into the sunlight and and meet you. No, they drag you unwittingly into the fantasy space with them.

So, why is that a problem? Because they hate themselves. They hate the, you remember I mentioned before, this voice on the shoulder that's saying, "You're, you're a liar. This isn't true. You're full of, you've always been full of. You are a useless, no-good, dirty, lying." This is the voice of an abusive parent or some adult in their environment when they were younger. And that's running. So, they pull you in. This voice starts to run. They begin to hate themselves. But you're a part of them. Yet, at the same time, there's this other voice over here saying, "I'm perfect. I'm the me that is me is perfect." So, where's the bad object here? And bad subject and bad object and good subject and good object all at the same time. But this voice is telling me something is bad. Well, it can't be me. It's not me. I'm, I'm, I'm perfect. I'm, I'm perfect. It's them. Them. They did it. And that's why you get this like, um, these manic, um, cycles of aggression. And then another question you'll be asking, you'll be on Google at 3:00 AM tapping away, going, "Is this bipolar? You know, like, sometimes we're in a manic episode and sometimes we're in this deflated episode. What's going on here?" The cyclical nature of the abuse is because this, it's, it's called a, it's called, um, well, these are super ego injunctions, but it's actually called the super ego inject. So, this voice, this internal voice that's saying bad things, will come and go. It will switch on and off. Or, we could better say, it will become energized and de-energized depending on the circumstances, the moods, even the, the narcissistic personality disordered individual's own thoughts. This will switch on and off. If it's been caused to switch on, I can either persecute myself. But I am perfect. I am God. And all of you are here as as sacrifice to the wonder and awe that is beautiful, amazing me. So, it must be the only logical conclusion I can come to is, you must be due for a bit of abuse because I'm perfect.

So, in order to live a life that's anything approximating normal, without being driven completely insane by their battling super ego injunctions, by their battling injects, the voices and feelings inside of their heads that are giving them all this conflicting messaging, they have to abuse people. It's, uh, it's way beyond, you know, mere arrogance and vanity and a sense of entitlement. Because if I was just vain and arrogant and entitled, why couldn't I sit in a room peacefully with you? Why would that be unbearable? There's nothing unbearable about that. I'd just be sat there going, "I'm amazing. I know I am. Now I'm going to read my amazing book with my amazing eyes because I'm amazing." But this isn't that. Because fundamentally, what makes it so aggravating and so painful to partners, um, spouses, family members, co-workers, employees, is I need to abuse you to alleviate the massive anxiety, depression, and terror I feel on a cyclical basis. Not at all times, but a on a cyclical, as in, within a cycle.

Just to very, very quickly explain, I'm talking about interjects and inner voices. This is natural. It's normal. We all have that. It's not only the realm of somebody with narcissistic personality disorder or or borderline personality disorder or psychopathy. Um, everybody has this. So, we all have a part of our mind. Um, I made a crown with my hands. Let's make it a crown. It's what Freud called the ego, which is the "I." Because you all know German. And then the Uber, which is the "over-eye." Who knew German was this easy? And the Uber sits, um, in terms of a position of power within the systemic dynamic, in a position of authority, and it sends injunctions or commandments, let's say commandments, down to the ego and says, "Do this, don't do that. It's good to go over there. It's bad to talk to that person. It's good to do this. It's bad to do that." It sort of functions like a conscience. But where do its voices, where do its, where where does the uberi, the super ego's sense of what to do and not to do, or what is good or what is bad, come from? It comes from childhood environments. So, you're, when you are born into consciousness, into this horrifying simulation that none of us signed up to, only kidding, it's wonderful here, um, this is what you're supposed to do as a little biological machine. You are, you're supposed to absorb this data from the environment. You're wide open. So, what happens to you and what people say to you between the ages of zero and eight, when your brain's neuroplasticity is at its highest, they have a big function. The super ego, the Uber, is not, uh, very good at quality control. It has a job. It is to record, um, rules that pertain to doing good or doing bad, and, and then to replay them, to replay them, to replay them. And it will do this throughout your life. If you have bad super ego injunctions or toxic super ego injunctions, you really need to go to therapy to get that sorted out.

So, these are the three reasons why the narcissist must abuse you. I will answer your questions if you can make them one sentence long and end with a question mark. I would be delighted. Um, the only thing to say is on, uh, Sunday the 11th, we're starting the next 30-day challenge. It's the Future Focus Challenge, but it's 2024. So, when you sign up for it, you have the Future Focused Challenge, which is 30 days of, uh, videos, audios, and exercises to do. You, you really need to commit to about 30 minutes a day, I think. Um, you don't have to do every day. It's not school. You won't be in trouble if you don't turn up or whatever. But to get the maximum benefit, you should try and hit 25 out of the 30 days, and you really should be doing the work on, on every single one of those, uh, uh, days. Um, and it's also combining another course that I made called Summoning the Self. This is for people who have struggled with issues relating to being too agreeable, maybe some elements of codependency, hyperactive for response, or people-pleaser syndrome, people who really struggle to say no, people who by default would put others' needs before their own. So, the Summoning the Self course does that. And what we're doing is we're going to integrate the Future Focused 30-day challenge with the Summoning the Self course. And I'll be helping you to do that by every day for the 30 days, I'll be uploading an audio or a video that guides you to be future-focused, to build the future you actually want, but coming from a place where you're also involving your authentic self. If you want to do that, then you can hit here. You can go to richardr.com and sign up for the 30-day challenge 2024. Okay.

Um, let me take a look here in the comments. If you have a question, one sentence long, and, um, ending on a question mark. It's wonderful here in this simulation. Richard, I know I was just joking. It's May. I hope it never ends. Um, I, I learned today that we're talking about, uh, taking on British conscripts. And I was doing a podcast. I said, "Well, that my mate was in there, Darren, and he's the same age, Mo, both 40." And went, "Mate, we won't have to worry. We're 45." And he said, "Let me show you this news article." It says they'll be conscripting up to 60 years old. And I'm like, "How desperate a war are they planning on fighting? A bunch of obese middle-aged men are going to be on with bad knees are going to be on the front line. We must be in trouble." June Lewis: "The narcissists come across as weird." Some people with MPD can do, but not necessarily. Not necessarily, no. Some can be very, very slick socially because that, um, ability to simulate reality and what other people's reactions are can get very, very slick, and they can really learn to be, um, very personable, very charming, very amiable. Across time, remember, they've been doing this since childhood. They had a lifetime to practice the art. Arin Lee: "So, both and I need to breathe more and talk less. Let's take a break." So, both MPDs and BPDs have an external locus of control? Yeah. Could you please explain the difference between what MPDs and BPDs or an external and internal locus of control? What would you? I can explain the difference of either, but please, please let me know what difference you want me to explain. Does the narcissist? Irene: "Does the narcissist always need to be around others? If so, why or why not? Thank you." Because all, yes, generally speaking, yes. Because all of their sense of self is coming from the reactions of other people. Because that's how they're entrained to experience, not love, but adulation in childhood. Narcissists are not interested in experiencing love. Your love is meaningless to them. People's, not yours, people's admiration, an audience, a, a faceless collective of of worshiping slaves is what they desire. And so, yes, they need people around them. Sophia: "When the narcissist is in your life, not much and very low contact, and plays games, how do you avoid entering into it with them and not biting on their attention-seeking behaviors?" If you feel a certain way as a human being, and you're at a certain level of development and growth or recovery, let's say from the narcissistic abusive relationship, there's no, there's no tactic I can give you with words that's going to change the way that you feel. There's just none. There's no, there's no book you can read. There's no tactic any, uh, smarmy sounding, um, person like me on YouTube, uh, can give you in a sound bite in 30 seconds. You'll be like, "Oh my God, I'll do that tomorrow and everything's going to be fine." It won't. Because you're still hooked in. You're still plugged in. And the only way to unplug is to start dismantling that, um, well, it's, it's called, it's, it's a shared fantasy space. So, when you've been in a relationship, even it's a healthy relationship, you have a shared fantasy space with the other person. And that has to be dismantled in order for you to move on. With the narcissistically abusive relationships, the, uh, shared fantasy space is, of course, toxic. And it goes a little bit beyond the shared fantasy. A normal, let's say, I don't know, like standard, somewhat healthy shared fantasy goes beyond that, and it becomes much more like the kind of brainwashing that you would see inside of a cult, except you're dealing with a cult of one. I think of it as a matrix, like the movie The Matrix from '99, where people are placed into pods and then they just live an entirely simulated reality. I think that's closer to what's happening. So, we have to deconstruct that matrix or unplug from it. I have a course called Unplug from the Matrix of Narcissistic Abuse that can help you to do that. It is a bit of a big course and takes about three months to do. If all you want to do is diminish the emotional loading of the narcissistic person in your life that you can't go no contact with, and you want a shorter course that's a little bit easier and gets the job done faster, because the only thing you want to do is reduce the power they have over you, not fully recover, then I suggest you get a course on richard.com that's called Break Narcissistic Possession. And Bop, not turn. Here's a great question: "How do you remove the voice of a sociopathic parent from your mind?" Look, there's no online course or YouTube video that's ever going to replace face-to-face therapeutic work with a qualified clinician. Now, I didn't say, here's what I didn't say: every time you hire a qualified clinician, they're amazing. Qualifications and competencies are two different things. But if you're going to do this kind of work, you need to be really looking at qualified clinicians and find within the full scope of qualified clinicians, some are very, very competent, very, very helpful, very knowledgeable. Some are less so, or you just can't build rapport with them. Find the ones that you can work with and, and work, work through the step by step. What a qualified clinician will probably start to do with you is to say to you, "Can you recognize when the voice, or the, if it's, you know, psychotherapist, they might say the interject, um, of a sociopathic parent is coming through? Can you recognize when some of the things that you feel compelled to do, or the voice that's speaking inside your head, might not be authentically us? It might have been imposed upon you." When you can recognize that that voice, that feeling, is not you, I would say 30% of the battle is won. Having that boundary of saying, "That ain't me. That ain't me. I don't choose that. That's not about me. Those don't represent my values, my objectives, my coordinates, my map of reality at all. That's something that's inside of me, but there isn't me." And then work with a therapist, maybe somebody who is working with IFS or transactional analysis, um, somebody qualified who's qualified in in those particular modalities. They should be able to help you to remove that voice. Good question. I'm impressed with your analysis, says Alina. Oh, that's very kind of you. So am I. Um, as an AR nist, I do this to get narcissistic supply. There'll be people out there now going, "I knew it, I knew it all along. I'm telling you, I have had MPD the whole time, and all of this is just an exercise in gathering narcissistic." I'm what you call a pro-social narcissist. I'm impressed with your analysis. Me too. Very. Oh, wonderful. So clever. Andrea Parker has asked, "What happens when the new supply is a narcissist herself? She's come at him as a predator herself, wanting to fuse with him as a..." Oh, how interesting. She wants to fuse with him as a lesbian. Is he a lesbian? I mean, it's 2024, he could be. Wanting all his toxic masculinity for her. Really? She's a lesbian who wants all of his toxic masculinity for herself. Okay, that's interesting. I see that. Is this possible? Because this is what I'm saying. Um, I don't know if what you're seeing, if your analysis is the correct one, because I don't know the people involved. And what do any of us really have when we're observing human desire or human behavior? Um, we can only make simulations inside of our mind that are more or less accurate on a certain spectrum of probability. Uh, you could see if she's abusive or not, I guess. It's quite common for narcissists, for narcissists to end up with other NPDs. That's actually quite a common, uh, relationship formation. We tend to think it's always, uh, codependent or for responders with narcissists, but it's actually very common for highly narcissistic people to club together. And I actually, my pet theory is, the more highly narcissistic the person is, uh, the more likely they are to survive a relationship with somebody with MPD and for the relationship to go on for quite a while. Because if it's NPD with codependent, the codependent will eventually get tired. NPD with NPD, they're just feeding off each other, predating from each other, day after night after day after night. And it, it has its own crazy sort of, um, um, stability, if you like. Now, if she is animus possessed, to use the Jungian terminology, rather than saying, uh, she's a lesbian, but if she really is animus possessed, nothing wrong with saying she's a lesbian. I'm saying, like, it would, it would offer me more insight psychologically to say animus possessed rather than just being like, she, like she's a girl who likes scrs. If she's a girl who likes scrs, that doesn't really tell me very much. But if she's animus possessed, which means that she's disavowed part of her own masculine nature, pushed it down, repressed it, and then it's come back to possess her, then yes, I could see her being attracted to somebody who would be what we would classically consider to be very masculine. You said toxic masculinity, but let's say it like this: a guy who is classically masculine, but not noble, classically masculine, but pretty abusive with it. Um, yes, I could see, I could see, uh, her wanting that and fusing with that. Where it leads, I cannot to tell you because I do not to to know. Caroline has said, "My now ex, who I've come to understand is a covert narcissist, has moved back with his ex." Your comment's being cut off, and it's prime. I'm sorry about that. There you are. "My now ex, who a narcissist, with his, he's moved back with his ex-wife, sexual narcissist, who was seriously unfaithful to him. Right. Move to get out of that toxic triangulation. It bloody hurts though." Yes. Now, now let's talk about pain. And let's sit for a moment beyond all this psychotherapeutic language and psychoanalytic theory and all the terms and all the jargon and all the multi-syllabic words. We are people. And when we're talking about romantic relationships, um, when a human being loves another human being, they offer them a great gift. They offer them the gift of trust. So, if I offer you my love, my love is a gift. Well, great. But, you know, like, it's a little bit goofy, to be perfectly honest. It's usually slightly, uh, delusional, and I'm probably going to be idealizing you, even if I'm a healthy human being. That's just the nature of romantic love, especially when there's a sexual component. But something I'm offering you that is a bit more meaningful and a little bit more sacred than my, um, crazy love is trust. Because when I love you, I trust you to not wound me in the place that I just opened up to you by loving you. I just removed the armor around my heart to love you, and I gave you the gift of trust, which is one hell of a compliment to pay a person. It's a hell of a compliment. And you did that. And what did he do with that? When the armor was off, he took the opportunity to kick you where it hurt the most. He took the opportunity to betray you. And that hurts. And you don't need any fancy language for that. I hope offered you love. I gave you trust. And you betrayed me. And that hurts. And I would suggest that you'll get more, um, traction moving forward thinking in these simple terms rather than trying to find the pseudo-analysis of the doohickey of the blib-bobble, you know, all those words, all that energy up inside the head because you don't want to feel here. You don't want to feel all this hurt and all of this betrayal. But you loved. You were courageous. You did a good thing. You did a good thing. The courage that it took was that you knew there was a potential to get hurt. And now you are hurt. So, you did a courageous thing, a risky thing, and you've been hurt. Don't become bitter about love. Don't become bitter about humans. Don't become bitter about men. Don't become bitter about the world or about life. You didn't do anything wrong. There are some people out there, though, who are absolute shits. Absolute, wanting, joyful, gleeful chaos, loving pain, loving shits. That's where they're up to. It's not about you. It's not about you. It's nothing to do with you. They're nothing to do with you. You're nothing to do with them. For a period of time, there was an illusory, delusional moment where you engaged in a joint fantasy. And now the joint fantasy is over. And the only job you have is to feel sad and to grieve and to then pick yourself back up, pick up your dignity. Do L. Do not let bitterness infect your heart or your mind. And to go on. Don't try to take revenge on him. Don't try to manipulate him. Don't try to play him. Direct all your thoughts, all your words, all your deeds, all your emotion, all your energy to grieving so that you can heal and so that you can build a better life beyond nasty, weird, twiddly little creatures like this from another realm. God knows what they're here for, just to generate suffering for the pleasure of Satan, no doubt. I know it's easy for me to say, but you're probably obsessing over this person right now. Um, they trust me when I say what he said and what he's done, he's done whilst barely conscious because he's on a very, very low level of consciousness. Because only people who are vibrating at a very low level consciousness frequency do these kinds of things. And from a certain perspective, and I hope you take it in the spirit in which it's intended, it doesn't matter what he did and it doesn't matter what he said. Your pain matters. Your disappointment matters. Your betrayal, your sense of your betrayal matters. But what he did, he's not that powerful, mate. He's just not, really, in every sense that's meaningful, particularly in the psychological sense. This whole thing is about you. And if you go to a therapist who's a good one and you show them this clip, they'll agree with you. It's not about him. It's about you. And when you've got to a place in your grieving, maybe four or five weeks from now, where you can really see that and really feel that, you'll start to get better very quickly. You will. J. Don't mind control. You will feel better quickly. These are not the droids you're looking for. Oh God, here we go. Are you really a pro-social narc? What the guys like, "Come on, get a sense of humor." And I know what's going to happen. I know, I know exactly what's going to happen next. Somebody's going to cut this out and go, "Richard Granon finally admits he's a narcist." Listen, but here's another question. Here's a better philosophical question, right? Imagine I was. What difference would it make? You don't know me. You're not around my house. You're not borrowing money from me. I'm not borrowing money from you. We're not sleeping together. What's the risk? It doesn't matter if I really am or not, or if I'm secretly a schizophrenic or, you know, psychotic. Or it doesn't matter. Try see, see boundaries. Good boundaries is not just your boundaries with other people, it's also your boundary with yourself. Why are you hit so like, why am I here? Why am I watching this effing YouTube video? I want to learn something about narcissism. Okay. Is this guy saying something that seems to make sense? Yeah. Um, do I believe this is useful to me? I don't know. If I remember like 20% of it tomorrow, it'd be a miracle. But maybe it'll be useful to me. Um, is it engaging? Yeah, I guess so. Because I'm still here after 41 minutes. Like, what do you want? What, what do you want? Like, if I'm literally insane, but for 41 minutes I can manage to say something that helps you, does it matter? Does it really? Like, I might not even, I could be AI generated and you wouldn't know. The reason I'm on this, and the reason I've gone on about it, is because I don't, I see people get caught up in stuff that is just not relevant. And it's like, um, I'm almost tempted to say that it's like the proliferation of reality TV since the year 2000 has made people want to get involved with, um, with, with, with things that don't matter. Like, how, how's Richard gonna vote? Oh, well, if he's voting that way, I ain't listening to anything. What if you knew the way I was going to vote and he just switched off? And but the next thing I was going to say would be the one thing that's going to help you to recover from narcissistic abuse. Every once in a while, we're, I'm on social media. I was joking with my friends about this the other day. I have this overwhelming temptation to say to people, "Hello, I'm Richard Granon, and I'm here to offer you free advice on overcoming narcissistic abuse and complex post-traumatic stress disorder." Because I can feel people's urge to, uh, drift into like, "What color socks have you got on? Are you vegan? Will you vote Democrat or Republican?" And I'm like, "Don't get lost, homies. It doesn't matter." And because of this, I want to read you something, which I didn't plan on doing, but I will. The Parable of the Poison Arrow. Kat responds that he never promised to reveal ultimate metaphysical truths. I'm not comparing myself to the Buddha, such as those. And then using the story of a man who's being shot with a poisoned arrow to illustrate that those questions are relevant to his teaching. It's just as if a man were wounded with an arrow thickly smeared with poison. His friends and companions, kinsmen and relatives would provide him with a surgeon. And the man would say, "I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the man who wounded me was was a noble warrior, a priest, a merchant, or a worker." He would say, "I won't have this arrow removed until I know the given name and clan name of the man who wounded me, until I know whether he was tall, medium, or short, until I know whether he was dark, ruddy, brown, or golden colored, until I know his home village, town, or city, until I know whether the bow with which I was wounded was a longbow or a crossbow, until I know whether the bowstring with which I was wounded was fiber, bamboo, sinew, hemp, or bark, until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was wild or cultivated, until I know whether the feathers of the shaft with which I was wounded were those of a vulture, a stork, a hawk, a peacock, or another bird, until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was bound with the sinew of an ox, a water buffalo, a lion, or a monkey." He would say, "I won't have this arrow removed until I know whether the shaft with which I was wounded was that of a common arrow, a curved arrow, a barb, a caved tooth, or an oleander arrow." The man would die, and those things would still remain unknown to him. Don't get caught up in stuff that doesn't matter. By the way, in that story, for those of you who are not into Buddhism, revelation time: the poison arrow is the poisoned arrow of time. The poisoned arrow of time. And we are all struck. We are all dying. So, to sit around wondering whether it was bound with the sinew of an ox or shot by a crossbow by a merchant or a nobleman, it matters not. We are under time pressure. The poison arrow of time has already hit us. And it is time to heal and move on. Yes. No. Hi. I will answer two more questions and then I will go and read my book and go to bed because unconsciousness is a sweet, sweet thing. Ah, Aaron is back. Sorry, sorry. Richard, I mean, the disorders are different. They're both regulating themselves through others. You explain very well why people with MPD do it. Is the reason people with BPD do it different? As in, what is the motivation for people with BPD? Oh, Eden. I must go to bed soon. And this is a question and a half. Um, well, you said, "Do it." You understand why people with MPD do it. Is the reason with be people with BPD to do it different? As in, what is the motivation for people with BPD? Are you talking about the motivation for regulating themselves through others? Oh, Eden, Eden, Eden. What can I tell you that doesn't make me go on for too long so I can go to sleep? Borderline personality disorder is a term I use, even as I know that it is not a good term. It is not good. Doesn't mean much here, Richard, does it? It's not, you know, I use the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. I don't use the ICD-10. I don't use any like fringe theories. I just always have. I don't even think it's the best definition for these things. It's just inertia. I always have. I'm not defending it. It's indefensible. Um, but see the way they, they use it, and they have MPD and borderline and histrionic and, uh, psychopathy, which is now antisocial personality disorder, and they're all neatly in the cluster B. It really doesn't work like that. It really doesn't work like that. BPD is probably an out-of-date, um, diagnosis. The way I've described it elsewhere. The problem, the problem is, I, I don't talk about it too much because it gets people really, really upset. Um, an awful lot of people are walking around who have been given a diagnosis of BPD who probably don't have it. That's not the opinion of some stupid taxi driver who learned how to become a YouTuber. That's the published research. How much, Richard, is BPD misdiagnosed? According to some research, I think it's misdiagnosed. I can't remember the, like, the percentage. It's absurdly high. It's something like 80% according to some research. So, a lot of people who think they have BPD actually have PTSD, or maybe they have complex PTSD, or something else. It's a massively misdiagnosed personality disorder, which should ring the alarm bells for everybody. It's like, why is there any other personality disorder that comes close to being as misdiagnosed as BPD? Nope. Not even close. Nothing. So, then, if you imagine you're a psychologist, like, put yourself in the driving seat and go, "Hang on a second, right? So, I'm running this institution called called psychology, but I'm over, I'm over here in psychiatry, and we're doing, we're doing, um, diagnostic criteria for personality disorders. Do personality disorders exist?" Well, yeah, seem to. Okay, fine. So, they exist. If I have a diagnostic criteria, imagine, in fact, okay, so hold that thought. Imagine we're doing viruses and we're doing the, uh, diagnostic criteria for different viral infections, and there's six different common viral infections, but the seventh one, the seventh viral infection, is massively misdiagnosed. At that point, nobody, I'm not a doctor, but like, not like you would be saying, "Well, either the diagnostic criteria are wrong, or the way we've defined the virus is wrong." Right? If it was a car, if it was, if you were analyzing, like, just think of anything in life, anything at all in life, and it was being constantly misdiagnosed, you would think that somebody would say, "Just stop, everybody. Stop, stop, stop a second."

Something's not working here. Stop rubber-stamping people with BPD. Either the way we defined, um, uh, uh, BPDs is wrong, therefore the diagnostic criteria is wrong, or, or the, or the tests were running wrong. I can't, off the top of my head, maybe there's another way it could be wrong, but off the top of my head, that's all I can think of. That's what I would do. I'd be like, "Stop. No. Nobody say BPD. Nobody move. Everybody keep really still, or you might stand on something important." What are we talking about? And we have to go back and talk about it again.

This is a very long-winded way for me to say, without upsetting people, most people who, who've got the BPD diagnosis actually just have PTSD or C-PTSD. There does seem to be an adjacent disorder that is around very intense emotional dysregulation that leads to bouts, short bouts of psychotic episodes, typically rage, but not necessarily rage, of psychotic episodes. But largely speaking, here, here's where I get myself in trouble. If it's entitled and exploitative, so if you have BPD and they're very entitled and they're very, very interpersonally exploitative, and they think they have a right to hurt other people because they're entitled, I would go ahead and say, "You can just, we have a term for that. It's called fragile narcissist. It's called vulnerable narcissist." Now, if you want to add, um, something else to it, like fragile narcissist, comorbid psychotic spectrum disorder, fine.

And on the other side of the spectrum, if they're not entitled and they're not exploitative, but they are interpersonally, uh, they have a lot of interpersonal turbulence, they engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, they engage in self-destructive behaviors, they have a very weak sense of self, they struggle with feelings of intense numbness, they, I can't remember the other, the other diagnostic criteria off the top of my head, but they, they don't, they're not abusive, and they don't feel as though because I'm, because the, the, the war cry of the, of the BPD who's secretly a fragile narcissist, "Nobody was hurt like me," and because I was hurting in a unique way, I can do what I want. That's, I've literally had clients say that over and over and over again to me. Not, not just the one client saying it over and over, but multiple clients have said that to me when I've pushed them on the fact that they lean too hard on husbands, they lean too hard on wives, they lean too hard on their kids. Out of male borderline have that breakdown and say, "Nobody understands." Because, because he was leaning on his eight-year-old son. And I was like, "You can't, you can't do that." Fortunately, we weren't in the room, it was via Skype, 'cause he went berserk. I was like, "You can't do that." So they have their sense that because they were, their pain is unique and their suffering is unique, that that's the core of their narcissism. It's the core of, of, of fragile narcissism. "I suffered in a way that nobody else ever could have suffered, so therefore I'm unique, so therefore I have something of a right to be a bit of an a-hole to the people around me because I need to, and it's, it's a matter of survival." That's fragile narcissism.

On the other side of the spectrum, no entitlement. So I, I've drawn it like trauma. And then over here, you put, you, you, you split it. You go, so, so trauma of BPD over here, fragile narcissism, comorbid, comorbid some sort of psychotic spectrum disorder. Yes, I know borderline has psychosis built into the cake, but I'm saying I, I would change the diagnostic criteria to be observable cyclical psychotic events with very predictable, uh, triggers. And on this side, no entitlement, barely any exploitation. Yes, they can be dicks, but, but they're not, um, it's, um, there's, there's, there's no intent behind it. That, that they're like, uh, disagreeable and grumpy because they don't feel good. So it's like somebody who's in a bad mood. That is PTSD. That is maybe complex PTSD. So, so that, that's where they sit apart. These people over here that I just described, they need people. Oh, they need people. They need people to abuse. They need people to stand. They're drowning. They're constantly in quicksand. Every day they're like, "Oh God, I'm drowning. I'm drowning. Let's smash them somebody on the head. Oh yeah. Oh, oh, I'm climbing here. Stamp on their head. Oh, I've climbed. 'Cause I dragged you into the mud and I pushed you down, I can get up now." That's the, that to me would be the fragile narcissist, comorbid cyclical psychotic episode, comorbid, uh, cyclical psychopathic episodes where these people can become seriously effing dangerous. They're not negotiable with. They're not like, you know, I've known career criminals. I've worked for career criminals. People, I'm not proud of it, but it was just in my 20s. I needed money for like guys who were in, like organized crime. There's, and this, it's not like they're known in Liverpool. People know I work. It's not even a big deal around here. It's not like I'm not like the only one. Loads of people work for them, but they've got like viral YouTube videos made about them and all this, and everybody knows them from the 2000s when, when they were big. These are guys you can negotiate with. They have rules. They have rules. You can talk to him, be like, "Oh, you know, sorry, this lad, he did this, but he didn't know who you were, and he was drunk when he did it." And he's like, "Oh, you know, it's about, you know, can we, can we, you know, can we, can we fix this? Can we sort it?" And they'll be like, "Ah, you know, everybody knows, you know, I've got a reputation." You negotiate. Here, like seriously, these are guys who killed people. Psychopaths. Psychopaths. This over here, this, this, this, you, you, you can't negotiate with this. This is like when it, not all the time, but when the, when the, when the psychotic episode kicks off, and then the psychopathy kicks in. Sent from hell. They're sent from hell, and their mission is destruction. This, the, the guy that I'm describing, like, you know, some guy, um, in, in some horrible, like shiny grace suit who watched Goodfellas too many times, and he's done okay for himself, and he's driving around in a Jag, and everybody knows him, and he's got like a name in town and all that. He cares about his future. He cares about his reputation. And he likes himself. There's a vanity. There's a narcissism to it. They get their teeth done in Turkey. And, and, you know, I like him. I haven't got a problem with them, um, apart from the killing. That's a bit unfortunate. The, the, these people over here, they'll, they'll take themselves out. They're, they're so self, they're so, they could be so consumed with rage and, um, uh, just loathing for, for, for life and reality, they'll take themselves out.

I got fireworks going off behind me. Am I having a psychotic episode? Did everyone else see that, or is that me? Where are my meds? Did fireworks just go off behind me? The hell. Okay, I definitely need to go to bed. Did that, did that happen? You saw it? Oh, thank God. Wow, that was frightening. So let me wrap that. I really went off on one there. I, I love the subject, but it's, it's so controversial to talk about this. It's not too bad on YouTube. Like, I have a pretty good following here, but if you cut some of that, you want to see people go just psychotic with rage. And ironically enough, pro my point, load clips like that onto TikTok. You mention BPD on TikTok, oh, Gen Z will come for your ass. They're going to come for you crazy. So my humble opinion, we're talking about two, uh, distinct things. Sorry, we over here, we're talking about two BPDs. You got this, I don't know, haven't defined it properly because I'm still looking. I'm still not sure. Let's just say, um, um, a psychotic fragile narcissist with, who, with a psycho, psychopathic side, but it's not there all the time. Let's just leave it at that. And these poor people who have PTSD, we all want to say complex PTSD. My God, PTSD alone, um, is, is, is so destructive for people. Yes, they can be dicks. Yes, they're grumpy, they're cranky. Sometimes it's 'cause they're using like drugs, painkillers, alcohol, they don't sleep properly. When I, all of this here, and I'm saying they, they, they, I, I mean, we, we, we, um, but, but, you know, you know, like I know when I was bad, I knew. And I was, and I would just, and by the way, so sorry, I knew I was coming to something that was important. These are going to look for people because they need people to climb out of their, um, the mud, the swamp, the quicksand that I said. That was a good metaphor. I like that one. I'll use it again. These ones, they'll isolate. So I, I would just self-isolate. I'm just like, "I'm not fit to be around people. People shouldn't be around me right now. This is not good." And just go off and self-isolate.

But that, do you want to ask me? Oh, has Richard Gran got narcissism? No, but what I've said in other videos, which got me in trouble, is I would have rung the bells for BPD, but that doesn't mean I think I have BPD. I think, well, I don't think, I know it's massively misdiagnosed. What I had was a pretty good dose of PTSD from childhood trauma, and then a bunch of really self-destructive coping mechanisms from layer after layer of like, um, caked in complex post-traumatic stress, and what, um, uh, Pete Walker calls the abandonment melange. I'm sure you shouldn't use the word melange like that, but Pete Walker did, and so we live with it. And, um, and so, so, so that's the split. So there's a very long-winded answer to your question. They both need people because they both effectively have the same break. I will upload a video, uh, if not tomorrow, maybe Saturday, where I describe, it takes about an hour to go through the infrastructure and the development and how it develops. And for narcissistic personality disordered people, which obviously, as I just said, in the Venn diagram, BPD covers that, covers some other issues as well. I don't think BPD is a good, is a good diagnosis anymore, and I'm not alone. This is not, this is not fringe YouTube conspiracy theory psychology. There's tons of people. Um, uh, the, the, the lady who came up with the term complex post-traumatic stress, Professor Judith Herman, from, I think she's the head of the psychology department at Harvard, uh, she, she came up with the term complex post-traumatic stress disorder. She's campaigning to get rid of BPD. She wants to call it emotional dysregulation disorder. So, and I'm saying, I'm not alone. This is not fringe. They need people because BPD, when it's BPD, as I just described to you, and NPD, they need people because essentially that's NPD plus plus. And over here, the people who are labeled BPD but aren't, let's say C-PTSD, that's just C-PTSD. I went on way too long. I hallucinated. I saw fireworks. There was gangsters. There was a swamp. God knows what I'm going to dream of. How are you all doing? Are you still with me? What that? So wait a second. What's, how, what is this? No, I really hope that there's balloons coming up on the screen for you, otherwise I'm going to look like I've lost my mind. Mind. No. All right. Are you, are you familiar at all with different types of rages? No. I was with someone last year who may or may not have BPD but was abusive. They had rages where they didn't yell, but they're very cutting. Yes. Just get very nasty and very persecutory, um, and bullying, and try and crush your spirit into the ground. I am familiar with that. That is, that is a manifestation of rage. Did, did you all just see the balloons? I'm sorry, I need this. Do a heart, two thumbs, astonish, two thumbs. Do a heart shape with your hands. I've broken my hand. I can't do it. This, this hand doesn't, the fingers don't. I've broken, broken the knuckles here and the phalanges here. And on, on there, we end up doing CP signs. I'll probably end up getting like the bloods after me because I'll do, I'll do it wrong, and it'll be an insult. It'll be something like, yeah, I won't.

Now then, everything that I have said here does not, uh, replace anything a qualified clinician has said. I hope that it was useful. If you would like to join us for the 30-day challenge we've got coming up, I'm going to do it, and I've designed it this way because I think I need it. I'm in a position where I could do that. I'm like, I think I need this. I think the people who like my stuff need it. Let's do this together. Um, anyway, you can join that. It's over on richardr.com. It's just called 30-day challenge future focused 2024. And if you're into that, it'd be good to see you there. Apart from that, thank you very much for your time and for your attention, and look forward to seeing you soon.