Transcription
I'm Dr. Orion Taban and this is Psych Hacks Better Living Through Psychology and the topic of today's short talk is she'll wait. She'll wait.
So, this is an episode for the guys. I've talked to a lot of men who are subject to becoming very insecure in relation to women, especially in relation to those to whom they are most attracted. They worry that the woman will somehow forget about them if they don't talk for a few days or that she'll become disinterested if he happens to have other plans. And I'm here to explain why you never have to worry about making a woman wait. It's very simple. When a woman loves you, when she is highly attracted to you, she will wait for you.
This has been true since the dawn of time. Women wait when their men go out on business. Women wait when their men go off to war. Women even wait when their men go on holy crusade and don't return for a decade. And of course there's the most famous literary example of this phenomenon. Penelope who waited 20 years for Odysius to return fending off dozens of important suitors who had taken up residence in his own house.
Of course, people are going to listen to this and think, "But Orion, that's not entirely true. Women cheat on their husbands when they're on business trips. They get pregnant while their fiances are deployed in war. They forget men who they haven't seen in years." And I would respond, "This is also true. However, this is the important part. So listen carefully. If a woman loves you, if she is highly attracted to you, she will wait. And if she doesn't love you or isn't highly attracted, she won't. But in that case, you will have lost a woman who doesn't love you, which is no big [ __ ] loss, my dude. Like, you really have to sit with that for a bit. There is absolutely no reason, none, to suffer and sacrifice for a woman who doesn't love you, who doesn't put you above all others in her heart. She is not worth sweating about, bro. Like, for serious. I know you might be in love. I know you might put her above all others in your heart, but your impulse to chase her down and prevent her from leaving might be your suffering talking. Like you are actually well rid of a woman who doesn't wait for you. And notice how being a husband or a fiance in those counter examples didn't protect those hypothetical men. That's right. Check out my episode, The Two Relationships Marriage Does Not Get You Love for more on this. For better or worse, a commitment will not prevent a woman from straying because ultimately she is more loyal to her feelings. And this is why emotional states like love and attraction are much better predictors of female behavior than say their explicit agreements. And this is why using circumstances in which women need to wait for you is a great way to test how much you matter to her. Women test men all the time, but testing is a two-way street. Men can and should test women in return. That way, they reduce the chances of throwing away their time and money and health and energy inappropriately. And why wouldn't that be a good thing for everyone right now? You don't have to be too manipulative here because life will naturally present conditions that will take you away from your woman. Don't work to prevent them or bend over backwards trying to protect her from her frustration and disappointment. Observing how a woman responds to both is absolutely an essential test before you decide to emotionally invest. But don't worry, this will happen organically. Maybe you have to visit a friend in another city. Maybe you have to put in overtime at work. Maybe you just need some time to yourself. In any case, you're not going to be able to spend time with her. And this is good for a number of reasons.
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First, it stimulates her emotions. Most women are used to guys accommodating them. When this doesn't happen, it stimulates curiosity. What could he be doing that is more important than me? She might wonder. And these experiences, wonder, curiosity, constitute emotional involvement. And women's interest follows their emotion. Technically, this is true of men as well. But how interest is aroused differs dramatically between the sexes. A man's interest can be aroused by a curve, a scent, an image, irrespective of how he feels about the source of those stimuli. On the other hand, a woman's interest is aroused and maintained through her emotions by how she feels about the source of the stimuli. And there are many things that predictably stimulate a woman's emotions, including but not limited to mystery, uncertainty, and doubt. All of which are afflimed to some degree when you remove yourself from her presence. Now, some people will think this is underhanded, but make no mistake, guys. There is no magic without smoke and mirrors. Until women decide to commit in spite of their emotions, and I don't think that's happening anytime soon, it will be necessary for men to maintain women's emotional involvement in order to preserve their relationship. And if that's problematic, then perhaps you should talk to your doctor about whether dating women is right for you.
Second, making her weight increases her insecurity. Patrice O'Neal got this one right. Unpopular opinion, but no two people are going to be equally secure in their relationship. It's just the way it is. And if someone is going to be more insecure than the other, then it's probably best for both parties if that person is the woman. Let's consider why that might be the case. When the woman is more insecure, that means the man is more secure. And when a man is secure, he can operate with more confidence, assertiveness, and equinimity. And because he has fewer doubts about his leadership and authority, he can direct the relationship more effectively. All of this tends to make him more attractive to a woman, which in turn makes her more loyal and agreeable, which in turn makes her more attractive to him. It's a virtuous cycle in which both parties become more attractive in each other's eyes. On the other hand, if the man is more insecure, that means the woman is more secure. Now, this isn't necessarily a problem provided the woman is also prepared to occupy the position of leadership and authority in the relationship. Some women want that, but in my experience, and despite what many of them say, most women don't. They don't want to be in their masculine, and they don't want to assume responsibility for protecting and providing and directing the relationship. Ultimately, a woman who is more secure isn't going to feel as much and the less she feels, the less she will be committed to any particular relationship. This is similar to the adored adorer dynamic I discuss in my book. Furthermore, an insecure man does not make a woman more confident and secure, and it absolutely does not make him more attractive in her eyes. A man who expresses worry and anxiety and insecurity is communicating weakness. And no woman, mark my words, no woman in the history of the world has ever wished that her man were weaker. Insecurity in men corrods relationships because it undermines women's trust in the man's fundamental strength and competence which signals that the man who might be the most harmless man in the world is actually unsafe.
H in a perfect world of course neither the man nor the woman would be waiting by the phone. However, if an imbalance is inevitable, it kind of makes sense for the woman to be waiting for the man. And this means that both parties kind of have to resign themselves to a little pain for the greater good of the relationship. Women have to resign themselves to the occasional pain of having to wait, and men have to resign themselves to the occasional pain of having to make their women wait. Of course, it's important not to go overboard with this. A very insecure woman is an absolute liability. Not only is that a very unpleasant and uncomfortable condition for her, but too much insecurity tips her over into panic and desperation. This will likely produce really intense emotions that scream urgency even when there is no objective emergency. and you will have been complicit in creating that avoidable problem yourself. Trust me, if she's into you, she will wait. In fact, she will wait to the extent that she is into you. And once you as a man understand this to be true, like in your bones, then you will free yourself of relational insecurity. You will be able to confront the problems of reality with confidence and optimism.
See for yourself. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this episode to someone who you think might benefit from its message because it's word of mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow.
Other value propositions. Anyone looking to join my free weekly newsletter for which I write original content or book a paid one-on-one consultation with yours truly can find out more information on my website. There's also my book, The Value of Others, in which I explore the economic model of relationships and my novel Star Night, where I explore the final days in the life of painter Vincent Van Gogh. Finally, there's my private member community, The Captain's Quarters. You hear all this theory? How do you apply it to your unique circumstances? That's what the quarters is for. It bridges the gap between theory and practice. How? Through our bimonthly group consultation calls where I walk through problems in real time with actual members. Check it out. Great value there. Links to everything are in the description below. As always, I appreciate your support and thank you for listening.