Transcription
[Music] How can I have a conversation with my husband about the nature of our relationship without it turning into an argument every single time? So, I don't know.
Why are you arguing with him? Well, he we honestly I we argue about everything. Um we don't really communicate that well. Um tried going to therapy. Like I was I'm in therapy. I've been in for about 3 years. I try to get him to go and he doesn't like say anything and I don't know how to get him to open up and communicate with me and I'm like I'm at a point where I'm one foot in and one foot out the door.
Yeah, of course. But why why would he communicate with you if you'll fight every time? I don't know. I mean, it's hard. Like, so you get you get what I'm saying? Like, I don't know. Like, if you'll fight over everything and you disagree over everything, why in the world would he talk?
I don't Yeah. I mean, I I I get it. Let me ask you this. What does What does disagreeing and fighting get you? Not y'all, but you nowhere. But it gives you something because you keep doing it over and over and over and over again. What does it bring you?
I don't know. I mean, feeling of like I just wish he would I don't know. I just wish he would listen. And but he but he never does ever ever ever ever. Not when y'all are arguing. So why do you keep doing it? What is it? What is it bringing you?
Well, and I and I think that's where I'm realizing it's not bringing me anything. So, I'm shutting down from it and I'm just not talking to him like at all. And then he takes that as everything's hunky dory fine. He doesn't I don't think that's true because I think he knows. I think he takes that as he's going to accept the piece of cord that's on the table even though it's a bad deal for everybody.
Yeah. Um my guess is this. A lot of people argue all the time thinking they're trying to solve a problem. That's not what they're trying to do. What they're trying to do is get an emotional release. Yeah. And over time, when two people are trying to get an an emotional release with and from each other, what ends up happening is it becomes a parasitic relationship. I'm using you to vomit on so that I can get an exhale. And I hate the way this feels. And so I'm going to blame you that we didn't get anywhere from this vomiting I just did. And vice versa. Yeah. And eventually one person quits. Yeah. I think we both have quit at this point.
All right. So the question you have to ask is this because you don't argue with your boss every time you go in. You don't argue with your mom or your dad every second you see them, right? Or your grandmother, right? No. Okay. So that tells me you have the mental and emotional and psychological and physical capabilities of not arguing. Right? And so you have to sit down and say, "I'm going to be an adult and I'm going to choose to not fight and I'm going to choose that we need to solve some major problems. You and me and our quote unquote communication stuff, that's not the issue here. What's at stake here is these big rocks." And so I'm going to commit to when I feel triggered, when I feel set off, I'm going to exhale. I may have to take a walk around the living room, but I'm going to come back to the table. Yes. and y'all just establish ground rules. And if y'all if y'all if one of you says I'm not doing that, then that's that's what you need to know.
Yeah. I just he like I I don't He just like changes the topic though. Like every time we're arguing about something like I'll try to tell him, you know, I'm I've got one foot out the door. I'm like I can't keep going around in these circles. And then he'll bring up like some an argument we had about something stupid like I don't even know. Um just like random stuff like stupid things like why didn't I wash his laundry or you know like hold how in the world do you have the right to judge what is stupid and what's not stupid? If he's if he's putting on the table this is a pain point for me and you're like that's stupid. I got one foot out the door. I'd quit talking to you, too.
Yeah. If you sat down and said, "Hey, you're not happy in this house. I'm not happy in this house, and I want to be happy with you in this house. I'm willing to sit here for 45 minutes and just let you go. What's in your heart, man?" And he's probably going to start with tic-tac stuff. Well, you said you were going to do the laundry and you didn't do mine last week. and the dog was barking and you always take care of the dog and you didn't go get it the you'll start there and if you can just swallow your ego for a second for 5 10 minutes 15 minutes and then it will get to I'm exhausted. We don't have any money. I feel like I'm on a treadmill. I feel like you spend money like crazy. I feel like I don't like how I feel. My clothes don't fit. Like you'll get to the real stuff. Yeah. And then vice versa. But if every time you sit down to say, "I've got a grenade I want to throw." And then he throws one back and you're like, "Yours is stupid." Well, of course I'm not going to talk. And by the way, if your grenade is Your grenade is bigger. Your grenade's a threat. I'm already halfway out the door. I'm leaving you. Yeah.
So, here's my big question. Are you done with this marriage? Sometimes I think I am not what I asked you. Are you done with this marriage? I don't know.
Okay. Really? If you're not done with this marriage, you have to have the vulnerability and the astounding bravery and courage to sit down and say, "I will go allin, if you will." I think that's what I'm afraid of doing is to opening is opening up to him because I don't know how he's going to receive that. So, what you're trying to do is is threaten him into coming to rescue you. And what you're doing is, you're making it very hard to come rescue you. And in the process, you're not just going to step off the edge, you're going to fall. You get what I'm saying? Like, you're dangling over the edge. You're like, "You better come get me. You better come get me. You better come get me." And you're going to slip. Yeah.
So, so let me answer. What is so scary? Are you scared of physical violence? No. Okay. Not at all. Are you scared of emotional berating? You suck. I'm going to swearing at you, screaming at you, pounding the table at you. No. Okay. It sounds like there's one underlying fear here, and I want you to just say, "Nope, you're wrong." Or crap, that's it. You're afraid if you go all in, he may say, "I'm out."
I don't even know if that's it because in our in his and I's relationship, I've spent all of our almost 20 years together basically taking care of and I've gotten pushed to the wayside and now I don't know how to say what I need and hope that he will come back at me with Okay, I'm here for you. Cuz that's what I'm afraid he's not he's not going to. And what about if I talk to him? Would he say, "Dude, for the last 20 years, I've been told what we're going to eat, what I'm going to wear, where we're going to live, where the kids are going to go to school?" No. No. Not Not really. No. He's He's Have you been his mother for the last 20 years? Pretty much. Okay. That's where you start. That's where you start, Marie. Like his mom. That's where you got to start. I've been your mom for the last 20 years and I' I've got to be done with that. I want to be your wife. Yeah. Yeah.
I've kind of felt like I mean his mom that he lost years ago and like I have a fourth child in my house in a way. So there's there's a both end to that conversation. He has acted like a fourth child and you have treated him like one. Yes. Both of you have participated in this dance. Yep. And so part of this is you're grieving 20 years where instead of having a lover, you've had a fourth kid. Basically, it's partially on you and that's partially on him. Fair. Yep. Okay. Don't vomit your grief on him as much as take your grief and set it on the table. I've been your mother for 20 years and I I'm I'm done with that. Yeah. I want to be your wife. or I want to be your girlfriend again because we have to rebuild this marriage and I want to find out if we if you and I still want to be married to each other. And I think that's where I'm at. I do I do want to, you know, I do want to try to figure out, hey, is this worth rebuilding or are we just giving up? I don't I don't I don't want to completely give up on it yet.
I can I be honest with you? I don't hear that you do. And I think that may scare you to death. It does. Okay. Definitely does. So, the harshest reality of where you are is the only way it works is if you close the door and take one foot out of the door and put both feet back in that house. Okay? And he may walk right out the back door tactically here like like here's how this goes. ABC, B, C, and D. Number one, I want you to spend a few minutes or a few hours alone writing down what it is you want. I want X, Y, or Z. I want A, B, and C. That's number one. Number two, set up a time and let them know we're having a grown-up conversation. No yelling, no fighting, no we're not here to disagree on minute things. We got some big stuff we got to talk about. And I love you. And I want us to agree that we're gonna have this hard conversation. Oh, what's that about? Are you serious? You're gonna be doing that? No, no, no. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. This one's for real. And you know that you have a voice when you can be whiny and naggy. And you have a voice that when you can be angry, and then you also have a voice when he knows you're being serious, right? Yep. Okay. That's the one I'm talking about. And I want y'all, if you can leave the house, great. If not, find a place where there's no screens or anything where y'all can look directly at each other and no kids. And then here's the fourth big one. Every one of these things that you bring up at the very beginning have to start with I statements, not you statements. For the last 20 years, I have acted in the role as your mom. And I've wanted you to have this kind of life. I wanted you to be at peace. I've wanted you to feel good. And I have acted like your mother. Yeah. And I am tired. And I am no longer going to do that. And I still love you to the moon and back. And I want to us to start dating again and find a spark that we had or find a new spark. Yeah. I want I feel like I want someone to take care of me instead of me taking care of someone. Say those exact words. Yeah. I want to be your wife and I want you to spoil me and I want you to take care of me. And be honest, I don't know how to do that. Okay? Cuz I think you like the idea of being taken care of and I think you would fight somebody trying to take care of you, especially at the beginning. Yes. Is that fair? Mhm. Okay. So, be honest. I want you to take care of me and I don't know how to let you do that. And you can laugh and say, "I don't even know if you know how to do that." Yeah. And the big question is, are we willing to learn how to do that together? And then you'll get to if he's And then let's pretend he's all in. Yes. Thank God. This is amazing. I love it. I'm all in. Before you leave, you leave with a small action plan. Okay. From this point forward, no more yelling. From this point forward, if I say the words, I have a vulnerable thing to say, all the screens go down, face down, and the promise is no rebuttals. I'm just going to say it out loud. I'm not doing laundry anymore. Or you're going to be responsible for your laundry for 30 days or 60 days or 90 days, and we're going to try it out. Whatever those whatever those little knickknackies are, y'all cocreate a 30 or 60-day plan with what comes next. Okay. And listen, he may say, "I am all in." And that'll scare you to death. And he may say, "I'm out." And that'll break your heart. Yeah. I don't know that he'll be out. I have a hard time telling him what's on my mind and what I'm thinking. So if you if you go in and sit down and say, "I've not done a good job of telling you what I'm feeling over the years, and I've blamed you for it, and I'm sorry." Yeah. You see, man, you're talking about a a revolutionary change. And let's say this, if he walks out the back door, it will be heartbreaking, all that kind of stuff. But you will be able to exhale knowing I could I tried to control what I could control and I left everything on the table in the spirit of reconnecting and reimagining our marriage. And sometimes that's the best we can do. Frustratingly, that's the only way it works. If you want to rebuild something and both of you go all in.