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Recently, about a year ago, almost a year now, I decided to propose to my fiancée. Fiance? Yeah. And, um, I've known her since high school. We went to high school together, about 10 years back or so. Um, and I've, I've, man, she's been my crush since then, since the day that I met her. I constantly tell her, you know, I tried to hit on her since all four years, basically. Um, and even after, it never really quite panned out. Um, and then out of nowhere last year, we just, I just out of the blue decided to text her on Instagram and, um, we just connected. We clicked and things just went great. Um, I was living in Kentucky at the time and, um, I decided to move back to California, both for family reasons and to be closer to her, and that's when I, you know, popped the question in February of this year. Um, oh, sorry, September of last year, and then finally got her family's permission this February.
I guess what I'm trying to figure out is this whole time that we've known each other, I've always wanted something with her. But I've never, you know, it felt like I was just never the right guy for her up until now. And I'm having a really tough time feeling like she's, you know, like I'm her second or third choice, really. Um, we've had the conversation of our past relationships, um, of what we want out of this relationship and and and all of that stuff. And a lot of that's prompted by conversations that you've had with other callers. But I've also heard you say that if you can't get over, you know, those pictures of her being with somebody else in your mind, you have to let her go. When can I make the choice of, I can't get over this, or if I, or how do, how can I figure out if I can't even get over that?
I mean, you can. The choice is, do you want to? Anybody can, anybody can, right? It's you just have to decide, do I want this? And I, I think there's an important reframe here. You say, like, I wasn't the guy for her. You're looking at all of this from like a one-down position. I instantly, when you're telling me the story, the note I just wrote down was, "No, no, no, no. She wasn't the right girl for you yet. She had to go explore and figure out who she was, what she thought that she wanted, maybe what her mom was always telling her, what she needed, and then she had to go like, 'All right, Mom,' and or her friends or her community or her Abua, who knows. But she went through these adventures. She went through these dark nights of the soul, and she came out the other side, and she, she picked you. And so she wasn't ready."
Oh, jeez. I've never thought of that. And like, and by the way, you weren't ready either. 100%. Yeah. No, she, she even told me the reason why she never actually gave me a chance. I was, uh, I was not only talking to her at the time. And you know, it's true. Yeah. And so here's the deal. Um, you probably heard me say this a lot, bro. You, you're not confident in you. Where does that come from, man?
Oh, dude. This is crazy. This has, I think this has nothing to do with her. I think it has everything to do with you. No, 100%. Um, I was in therapy for a bit. Um, okay. Um, I had to get out 'cause financial situations. Um, the whole move back took a lot of, you know, financial strain on me. So, I'm, I'm working to get back to get back on therapy.
No, you're already circling it around. You're already circling it around. Come, come straight through it with me. We, so far, we've been, we've been landing on that. Um, no, no, no. Not we. Why don't you like Tony? Sounds a little bit silly when I say it out loud, but say it, man. I'm not judging nothing. Well, you know, my dad left when I was a kid. Yeah. And ever since then, I've been looking for someone. Well, I've never felt like I was good enough for anybody to like Tony. Of course. You know why? Why? Why? Why? 'Cause the man that made me didn't love me. Now, damn right. Now. And can I say something else? That's on him, not you. Your old man left 'cause something was going on with him, not you. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. You didn't hear it. Your dad left because something was going on inside of him, not because of you. And here's what I'm telling you right now. I don't like going to work some days because I want to hang out with my 15-year-old son. And I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about that. I like the young man he's becoming. I like him. I don't like to go to work some days 'cause I like wrestling with my nine-year-old little girl and listening to whatever crazy story she's coming up with. And I'm not special. I'm just a dad who loves his kids. But your old man bounced because of him, not you. Yeah.
Um, I, I guess I just never thought this could have anything to do with my relationship, you know? I mean, yes. 'Cause here's why. Here's the problem, Tony. You got it. You got the thing you have been fantasizing over for a decade. And what you're realizing is it didn't fill that hole in the center of your chest. 'Cause you're still a little nine-year-old little boy asking, "Dad, what is so bad about me that you left?"
Oh, jeez. Does that apply to everything else? Is that, I'm not happy with my job? Okay. I didn't hear what you said. What? I said, "Does that apply to everything else? Is that why you move jobs? That's why you move across the country. And the moment you move back to California, you already had your eyes on something else, right?" Yep. I'm always looking for the next thing, the next, you're trying to get something from out there to fill up what's in here. And at some point, you're going to have to sit down and sit down and like, like crisscross applesauce and face that nine-year-old little you, that four-year-old little you. And you can do this in your mind. I've had grown men sit on the floor so they can get the eyeline that they had when they were six when their dad left. I've had grown men sit on the floor and write a letter to talk out loud. But you're going to have to address that six-year-old little boy and let that homie go play 'cause he's still sitting in the driveway saying, "Daddy, come back. I'll do better next time."
Exhale real quick. When did your dad leave? When I was four. Okay. Close your eyes right now where you're sitting. Mhm. Picture you at four. Were you a chubby little kid? Were you a skinny little kid? What were you at four? I was a scrawny little kid. All right. Scrawny little kid. Picture him at the very edge of the driveway of your childhood house. Mhm. What kind of car did old man drive? Um, uh, old white Lexus ES. Okay. Picture the brake lights coming on that car at the end of the street as he's turning right off that block. Mhm. And picture yourself yelling while you're holding a little teddy bear or a baseball mitt, "Dad, where are you going?" And then from the front porch, I want you to see that little boy. And I want you to see his shoulders drop. And I want you to see his head drop.
Man, that hurts. I know. But that's where the pain is, brother. How do I even begin to address that? You write that little boy a letter tonight. Not on an app and not on a text message, but you write, get out a piece of paper and write him a letter. "Dads don't leave boys. And Dad was sick. Dad was troubled. Dad had his own demons 'cause that's the only reason dads leave their boys." And then you tell that little Tony, "I love you." And how old are you now, brother? 26. You tell him, "22 years from now, you're not going to believe this, but we're going to be stronger. We're going to have found an amazing woman that's going to spend the rest of her life with us."
We moved back to California 'cause we just didn't like keeping all of our paycheck and we wanted to give some more to the government. So, we moved back to California. Yeah. We didn't, we didn't like paying half for our home in Kentucky. So, we decided to double our house payment. Whatever. Oh, jeez. Here's the thing. You're going to let that four-year-old little boy whose heart is just exploded in his chest. You're going to let him know, "You don't see it yet, four-year-old Tony." Mhm. "But I grow up bigger and stronger. And I'm okay. We made it. We did." Okay. Yeah, we did. We did. And we got a long way to go, right? Yeah. Okay. Still got a long way to go. This woman that you're going to marry is not going to heal you. She didn't sign up for that, but she did sign up to walk with you. Yeah. Yeah. She's a saint. Your job, your job's not going to heal you, but your job will provide money for you to build the life you want to build. And hopefully, it's a life that has peace in it and has joy in it and has few as few demons as possible in it. So that when you have a little boy, you know, "I'm never going to leave that boy." Yeah. Right. Yeah. 100%.
But when you get itchy, and what I mean by that, you know what I mean by that? People who don't, don't aren't always looking over the over the line. Don't understand that line, but you know what I mean. When you get itchy. Yeah. Yeah. When you start wanting to apply for a job, when you start wanting to like look at another house, and you start like scrolling Instagram to be like, "I think I want to get a zero-down rental property because I want to be a," just right? Right? Yeah. Yep. I flip cards. Of course you do. Yeah, of course. I'm looking for the next card now. Of course you are. You're probably scrolling on it right now while you're talking to me. Facebook Marketplace. Yep. Listen, all of that is a drug, trying to make that little boy feel better. Maybe if I make this much money. Maybe if I get this girl. Maybe if I get a house that looks like this, then at some point my dad will. Maybe if I get this title. That's right. Then, then my dad will call. He's never going to call, brother. Yeah. He won't call. That call. I'm proud of you. That call, dude. I failed you. That call's never going to come. And that, that should break your heart. It should break the heart of every young man, every old man, every boy, every man I know is desperate for his old man to call him. Not text him, call him and say, "Hey, I don't tell you this enough. I'm so proud of you." That call's not going to come. And so masculinity in the 21st century is a bunch of men desperate for their old man's like approval that aren't going to, it's not going to come. And then what do we have to do? We have to go do the next right thing and begin to say, "Okay, where do I find value and worth?" And it comes from the inside out. I'm a good man because I do the next right thing.
When a picture of your future wife, your, your fiancée, pops in your head of her with some other guy you went to high school with, you have a choice in that moment. Am I going to meditate on this? Am I just going to focus on it? Am I going to be that little boy at the front of the driveway just thinking about it? Nope. Nope. I'm going to have a picture in my mind all ready to go. And when that picture zaps in my mind of her holding hands with somebody, I'm going to go, "Nope." And I'm going to think of that picture. I might even carry one in my back pocket just to pull it out of you and her laughing, smiling. She made you sit through one of those stupid photo like things y'all have to do. Yeah. Put one of those in your back pocket. Put that one on your phone. So you pull, I'm going to focus on this. And here's what my promise to you is, brother. If you will do that, if you will set a dedicated time from 4:30 to 5:30 p.m. every day, that's when I look at cars. And I'm going to feel itchy and awkward the other 23 hours 'cause I'm going to choose to get off this drug. And the drug is, "Something out there will make me feel better in here." Here's my promise to you. Over time, your default setting will begin to shift. That itch will go away. And then you'll have to stand in the awkwardness of, "I don't know how to be a husband because the guy that was supposed to model that for me bailed." So, new wife, I'm gonna screw this up and I need you to continue to come back to the table to me and remind me that you love me, and then I'm going to say, "I'm sorry." I'm going to go do the next right thing.
That's powerful. You get what I'm saying? And I know no therapist told you this, and I'm sorry that they just want to sit here and listen and tell you all the old stories. There is a path out of this, brother. And it is not fun because you're going to feel itchy a lot, especially for the first six months. Right when you're about to apply for a new job, just don't. Just don't. Ask yourself, "What would make me the best damn employee at this place where I work right now?" Go do that for six months. It will change you from the inside out.
Roger that. Fair. That's fair. And it's not like I don't have any experience with this. No, no. I mean, yeah, my therapist was great, but, you know, it was just a lot of listening. I did want, you know, I, I did want a good talking to, and I do appreciate it, doctor. I haven't been as proud of a of a young man as I am of you right now. Thank you, Doc. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. Hey, uh, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with some, some wedding gifts, okay? I'm going to hook you up with both of my books. I'm going to hook you up with, um, Financial Peace University so you, you and your wife can start and get your money right as you get out of the gate because that's most couples just fall apart because of money issues. I want y'all to get on the same page with your money. And I'm going to send you EveryDollar, the premium version, for free for a year. Okay? That way you all have the same app and y'all could do your money together. When y'all get that squared away, it's going to force you all to have conversations about who we want to be together. Let's go help you out.
Cool. Cool. Cool, man. Thank you so much. All right, man. Thanks, Tony. Appreciate you, brother. Appreciate you.