Transcription
[Music] Hey guys, it's Lord Miles here. I've done a lot of traveling in my life, as you can see from my YouTube videos. I'm a bit of an unhinged man, but I'm an honest one. You've got a bunch of travel influencers who go around saying everything's great in every country. I'm an expert in this; I'm not going to lie to you guys, my viewers, because you guys pay my bills. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to go through the map of the world and tell you where to stay and where to travel to, where not to.
So, first things first, think about [Music] it. This, this whole thing here—if it's sunk, and it's got an awful thing to say—if it's sunk 30 ft into the ocean or 500 ft in the air and dropped it, wouldn't really matter a lot. There's no tourist visa, so that's gone. Chad—the name might suggest it's a good place—it's really not. Niger, for one reason we know: Niger is because it has a funny name. Nigeria: great scammers, sometimes good food, jolly fellas. Honestly, it's a little bit overpopulated; I don't really care for it. South Sudan: fake country. I've been there about five times now; giant money-laundering scheme. Ethiopia: one of the countries in Africa that weren't colonized—again, not too bad, but I don't recommend it. Somalia: we know it from Captain Phillips; nothing good about it.
Kenya: Now I've got a personal gripe. You see, Kenya—I went all the way from Nairobi to this one place called Kakuma, on the South Sudan border, and I got extorted by a bunch of police informants. After they stole my passport, I quickly hired a prostitute, and then got that prostitute to go inside the police station. That prostitute got the policeman completely wasted, completely drunk. I snuck in there, stole my passport back, fled to the South Sudan border, and I managed to get past. That's not even a full story, guys, but just a run-through. Uh, let's see: Morania—nothing goes on there. Western Sahara: it's a Sahara; it's nothing. Morocco: not too bad, but they keep coming to Europe, so it can't be that good. Um, Liberia: yeah, American slaves were freed to Liberia, and they built nothing. This one, I don't like them, 'cause they're French. Namibia: giant desert. Botswana: gold mine. Zimbabwe: used to be Rhodesia; that's when it was good. Madagascar: great movie. Right now, I'm actually in South Africa. This video has been filmed right here in Johannesburg. Again, used to be nice, but then they got screwed over, and now you have copper cable thieves, and you get stabbed and robbed in the middle of the night. But the thing is, guys, these places—yeah, you'll get occasional food poisoning; yeah, in Lake Victoria you'll, you know, eat a… a burger from time to time. If you haven't seen that video, you know, you'll be fine. But people there, they wash themselves; they don't smell too bad, you know.
India, guys, absolutely [Music] not. Scary truth, guys: 25% chance that you're born an Indian. Think about it. The Indian government themselves said I couldn't go to north-central India. Their food sucks. Their food hygiene sucks. They are stinky, and trust me, they are low-trust people. I have never had a good long-term encounter with someone from this area of the world. Same thing for Bangladesh, guys. They make your clothes, but they don't make anything else. A nuclear exchange between Pakistan and India wouldn't bother me. Reminds me of Canada a lot, because one, in recent years, has become second India. You could probably infer why I think so. Canada is a [ __ ]. Canadians are mostly [ __ ]. I find people from America—God bless America, by the way—as an Englishman, these people are lovely, usually. Most of Canada lives down here. I do not like it. They have a funny accent; they look funny in South Park. Trudeau: just a bit communist. It's expensive, what it is, right? And plus, you might as well go to India.
One place I would recommend, if you can afford it, is up here, where there's, you know, no one. This is a beautiful area for the beautiful nature: Northwest Territories. The most beautiful mountains I've come across. A flight up here will run you a few thousand, so you might as well go to Iceland or Greenland. Iceland: pretty cool; they even have a supermarket named after it in England. One place I like is Mongolia. Mongolia is a lovely place. For one, Mongolia takes V's because it's such a barren land, with [ __ ] deserts, and you know, no real arable soil. Basically, guys, the average vegetable sold in a supermarket in Mongolia is actually rotting through singing. That's nature. Capital sucks, but you know, if you're going to Mongolia, going to the nature side, it's cool. You know, it's got great history, too bad it couldn't expand the Empire. China [Music] guys. Now, if you don't mind being watched by CCTV in anything you do—probably in the bathroom—you'll be fine with China, because they don't take any crap from anyone. And the other one, too: my personal favorite, Afghanistan. Lovely, lovely place. Now, it may be also because I own a gold mine there. You need a high-risk tolerance; it's not the safest, but it's one of the most beautiful. It's always fun to meet the Talib bros, because they're not our foes.
Now, next one, guys: Australia. This place is very far away from England, so I haven't been there. However, Australia is lovely, apart from these areas, guys. You know why these areas? The Aboriginals—their daily plan is breaking into small-scale airports to steal heavy fuel to sniff it and get high. This is kind… this place is kind of beautiful, too. You might run into some Sudanese here, but you know, I won't comment on that's good or bad, but you can take your inference on there. Okay, guys, we're going to bring it back to somewhere closer to home: Europe. Now, Europe is part of my homeland, technically. I'm from the United Kingdom. We once had a great Empire. Now, you think I'm being unfair to all these countries, guys, because, oh, you haven't lived there for 50 years, Miles. Now, the thing is, I'm… I'm from England. I'm very fair, guys. England is now a [ __ ] [Music] hole. Number one: London—not even English, is it? We've got an Indian Prime Minister; that sucks. You go to Birmingham, the second biggest city, where I'm from—you get stabbed. I see flocks of hundreds of Chinese tourists, and I… I just… if I was Chinese, I would just kill myself. If you've saved in Bing Bing Bong Province for 30 years and you go to Birmingham and are disappointed… I mean, I don't know what in Mandarin for word or sentences for "The West has fallen," but it's… it's being used more often, guys. Scotland: kind of beautiful, if you go very far up north, especially Skye Island. That video of mine flopped. Island: mixed bag; not too sure, you know, if you're English or you don't like potatoes—absolutely not.
Okay, guys, so, onto the big one you've all been thinking about: Israel and Palestine. Now, for me, this is not a tough one, because everyone keeps saying Israel is doing this, Palestine is doing this. I think both should not exist. For the British Empire, you should claim it and return it to the Christian King. We're going to Saudi Arabia now. I've passed through Saudi Arabia a few times. Land of Arabia, maxing… honestly, I would say Saudi Arabia: yes, if you've got a decent amount of money, you don't mind sand. But the issue is, I've had troubles with Saudi Arabia in the past, crossing the road—bloody impossible. So, I had a hotel just here, right, and then you had two or three major highways, and then you got over the supermarkets and stores, and my friend and I, we walked a mile either side, and there was no way to legally cross the road, because there's traffic cops, and they basically said, "No, sir, you can't… you can't cross here." They said you have to go a different way. So, instead of crossing the road with 500 intersections, right, and there's no crosswalks, I had to Uber Eats across the road to get my food. So, it's… it's a bit of a nightmare if you don't have a car, but if you can rent a car, fair enough, guys. Oman: actually, pleasingly surprised—kind of beautiful, very smooth roads, everything's good. It hasn't got the ugly architecture of Dubai, right? I don't know why people keep pushing Dubai. Yes, it's luxury, but it's one giant shopping mall; there's nothing really to do. I don't get it. But I would say Oman is better. Dubai makes it look like they hired a five-year-old who likes Hot Wheels, you know, all those fancy things for their architect. Yemen seems like a chaotic Oman. Hey, autistic man watching this video—yeah, that's you. I've got a proposition for you. Have you ever felt that… ah, jeez… you know, I need more materialistic goods, and you know what the one thing you're lacking in life? It's not women, it's not success, it's not weight loss—it's actually authentic Taliban merch from my store. So, if you go to my store right now—link in the description—you could buy authentic Taliban headband, Taliban war rug, um, Taliban flag—all this other stuff that only I sell, because I have the permits for it. Lovely stuff. And plus, then you can scare your parents and scare all the hoes away. Isn't that lovely? Somehow completely legal; somehow you're not violating sanctions. I don't know how, either. I don't know why the police haven't knocked on my door. Order now; it ships from the US, tracks and everything. Lovely stuff. Thank you so much for supporting my work, and back to the video.
Okay, we're going to move to this part of Asia, guys. This part: cluster [ __ ]. Cambodia gets a straight-up tick for me, 'cause you shoot an RPG at a cow. The Philippines—you know what? There's too many islands, too many people. You know, stop doing that, guys. Indonesia: just the Muslim Philippines. New Guinea: uh, undeveloped tribespeople, whatever. I just… I just cross out all of this, really. Myanmar/Burma—um, it's best known for Rambo 4. Thailand: if you like ladyboys. Japan: Now, I don't watch anime; I'm not a weeb. They do have a pedophilia problem, but… it's a beautiful society; things actually work over there. They do have a pedophilia problem. It's cheap; it's not too bad. I would give it a tick of approval. Kazakhstan: now, this is a giant oil field for Russia. Flights are expensive; middle of nowhere; everyone there seems to be stuck in the Soviet days. I don't know; don't think it's worth it. But I'm actually banned from Kazakhstan. Not my thing, guys. North and South Korea: now, this one is mislabeled here, 'cause this is true Korea. I don't see why the US got involved with this. Now, you've basically got a plastic surgery country that has people upset about exams, and everyone there is really depressed and, you know, works 21 hours a day. For me, North Korea is fascinating. I do highly recommend—boom—no to South Korea, yes to North Korea. Ukraine was basically a Jewish money-laundering scheme for… for Israel back in the day. If you follow the money… I would go in there just because you've got beautiful places like Lviv, beautiful cities that you can take a train from Poland to. I wouldn't go to Donetsk or Kyiv or Donbass anytime soon. Some of the worst countries I've come across. Moldova is the most depressing European state, and when I passed through Moldova into Romania—no joke—first 20 minutes, my wallet got stolen. Serbia and all these weird countries—they should form again. Albania: nothing's really known about Albania; it was mentioned in Harry Potter once, I believe. Now, I did get banned from Greece. I did jump the border from North Macedonia. Beautiful architecture; food's good. Greek men: a little bit smelly. Thank God North Macedonia can't join the EU due to Greece blocking it, because then I'll be extradited for the crimes I committed in North Macedonia, which I still deny, and it's legally a joke. I bloody love Italy. I cannot talk more good things about Italy. The only thing I would say: do go to Venice; it's a tourist trap. This passes me onto Turkey. Yes, I am bald, so maybe I shouldn't say bad things about Turkey, because I need to go through a hair transplant. But then again, I can just go to… fake Korea, because you've seen the bot jobs in Turkey. Basically, uh… I know some SAS people, some former Special Forces, who money launder through Turkey. My Air Maxes are fake because they're from Turkey. Iran: good carpets. Iraq—again, you know… I mean, we've seen wars. Syria: Now, I do love Assad. When his emails got leaked, basically he was saying cute stuff to his wife; it was really flous. I think that's kind of cool. Spain: Actually, I'm just going to bundle Portugal and Spain together. I know they're meant to be different; they have different languages, but all cheap condos and cheap holidays for British people. Did you know in the 1950s or 60s a good 30% of Spanish and Portuguese lived in caves, guys? France: absolutely [Music] not. One, it's my least favorite Muslim country in the world. Two, it's just very stinky. You know, it's a stinky place, stinky food. French food is not good; I've tried it. Belgium: not even a real country, is it? The Netherlands: if you want to do drugs. Germany: used to be good; I won't say what year was good. Poland: honestly, pleasantly surprised. Belarus: again, I… I just have no idea what's going on here; no one really cares. At the end of the day… Sweden, Norway: honestly, if you go up here very north, it's beautiful. One of my favorite countries is Switzerland. Honestly, one of the best passports you can have. I want to be Swiss someday. Uh, we've got a few others. Hungary: honestly, incredibly underrated country. Cool fact about Hungary, guys: you can actually commit insurance fraud, 'cause it's an ex-Soviet state; insurance fraud isn't actually illegal there. There's two Austrians I really like; one of them I can't name, and one of them is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
South America: everyone's… place to escape to in the world if something goes wrong. My great German war hero grandfather is basically in Argentina right now. Brazil: I went… went to Snake Island. I do not recommend going to Snake Island, guys. If you want to go to the Amazon rainforest, that's pretty cool. Uruguay: honestly, pleasantly surprised; lovely place. Argentina: there's two economies in the world that basically defy logic; it's Japan and Argentina. Thing is, the only thing about Argentina: the Falklands belong to England. Personally, I think Margaret Thatcher should have nuked this area here, because they couldn't do that back to us. And Colombia—again, if you like cocaine. Venezuela: yeah, you once had oil, then you did some stupid economic stuff, and you got sanctioned. I just don't see why we can't nuke the Darien Gap, so all these people don't… the US should just invade all the way further down. No one really knows what goes on here. Again, if it doesn't have a name for it… if you need to really research a place and find a niche video explaining certain areas, it's not undiscovered; it just means it hasn't made a name for itself, 'cause it's so mediocre. Cuba: again, it's apparently really boring to go to. There are some beautiful areas, but it's a slow-decline country. I just wouldn't put against it. We've gone to Mexico, guys. It's nice if you stay in a resort, I guess. Personally, if I was Joe Biden or whoever, I would invade Mexico; I would push them maybe into Colombia, too, and then just set up roadblocks and a bunch of, like, barriers here, and they can just do whatever they want, and they should fix themselves for the United States. California: absolutely not. America [ __ ]. Yeah, the only… New York, too—I don't recommend it. Philadelphia: we've all seen *It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia*. Washington D.C.: Satanists. Northern Florida sucks. This area here: good money-laundering scheme. Texas: kind of nice, but it's half Mexico nowadays. These places: flyover states. Chicago: um, good pizzas and stuff. No one really knows what goes on over here. I… I just don't see why you would travel to a really cold place that resembles Canada in all the worst ways. Mormons: it's a fake religion. Charlotte: that's the name of my ex, so no thank you. Boston: oh, yeah, annoying accent; the rest of it is all right. Guys, it's all right. However, the US State Department has denied my entry into America from England because I had an eight-month holiday in Afghanistan prison.
Russia: well, you know, they have a bunch of nukes, full of alcoholics. If you want cheap vodka… if you go around here, there's a bunch of, like, um, North Korean villages, so I wouldn't say against it. This is… this is too cold. I would recommend visiting if you can get a visa. If you're from here or here, you're on an enemy nation list; it's really tough to do tourism. Callum from Lotus is my good friend; he's been there a few times; says good stuff. So, Alaska: it's our country, but it's bloody nice. Hiking in the woods in the cold: beautiful. Is that it? Oh, Antarctica: not real.
So, guys, of course, this is all my personal opinion, but I'm just keeping it real with you guys. I'm not going to lie to you; I'm not going to say the world's great. No, the world is a screwed-up place, and we must be thankful that in many places in the West we have a small Utopia to ourselves. So, you know, count ourselves lucky. I do complain about England, but some places are very nice. I do complain about Africa; you have nice people from time to time. There's always exceptions; it's just my general consensus. If I was trying to pick a place to travel to around the world… but I want to say thank you for watching this video, my skitzo rant. Please do like and subscribe. If this video hasn't been taken down… you see all names scrolling through here—these lovely, lovely people donate to me a little bit a month. Now, I know that sounds like you're not interested; however, I have a bunch of merchandise I get from each country every month I travel to. So, this month I went to Morania, and I've got a bunch of notes, and I've sent it out to people who are donating a few dollars a month to me, so they're receiving a piece of this place that you can't get anywhere else in the world, apart from if you go through me. Next month, when you're watching this, you'll get an Afghan note—like, a very old one—directly from Kabul, and it'll be sent to your address. Isn't that cool, guys? Plus, you get to chat with me in the group chats. Thanks for supporting me as well. Um, if you're watching this, I'm currently on a hike somewhere in the middle of the Wakhan, which is on the Chinese-Afghan border, so, you know, wish me luck. This might be my last video; what can go wrong? Um, and God bless you all. Like and subscribe, and I'm looking forward to more adventures. Is this video going to get banned? I'm starting to think it might be… maybe, yeah. I will load you on Twitter, maybe.