Transcription
The golden phrase to say to a woman when you are working on her, exploring her. So when you are going to be focusing on her with your hands, with your mouth, with a toy, because like Xander said, it's not going to be intercourse. So tell her, "I have all the time in the world for you. As long as you are feeling good, I am happy. So I'm going to happily keep going until you tell me to stop."
[Music]
Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.
We are back today to talk more female orgasms. If you missed it last week, we did a deep dive episode getting into all of your questions. We talked about how it's one of our favorite topics to talk about, and we also like when we were doing the original research for that episode on Instagram, we got so many messages from partners of women who have struggled to orgasm asking questions too. And so we realized, you know what, maybe we should do two episodes about this. One that's explicitly focusing on questions that women have about their own bodies and what they need to get there. And then one from the partner's perspective.
And it felt really appropriate for us to do this because we have been in this exact position. You certainly have, you know, having one partner, yours truly, struggling with orgasm and the other partner not quite knowing what to do, not knowing what to do, not really understanding, not always being super patient, and us getting into a couple squabbles about it early on in our relationship. So we actually tell the full story of what happened in our relationship in this absolutely free training that we are doing on Instagram. So I actually don't know if by the date this episode comes out, I think we will have already done that training, but you could go to our account at Vanessa and Xander and watch the training there, and we'll have all kinds of stuff up in our story to like get access to it. So go check it out there if you want to see it. But definitely make sure you are over following us on Instagram, Vanessa and Xander. Xander's with an X, because we're also doing something special for International Female Orgasm Day, which is 8/8. Nice little date. That should be tomorrow when this episode comes out. We record our episodes in the in the... Wait, we record episodes for the future. How do I say that? We record...
We record a couple weeks in advance.
We have a schedule. There we go. We do.
It's like we record in the past. We are not recording on the day that you are here.
Yeah. So that's why I'm getting all my dates mixed up. But basically, long story short, make sure you're over on Instagram. We're doing something fun for International Female Orgasm Day, and we are doing a celebration of finishing school, our female orgasm course. This year is the 10-year anniversary of finishing school, which is so wild. It is a step-by-step system that I created based on my own challenges and struggles in this area to help women overcome the physical and emotional blockages around orgasm. If you have a partner who could really benefit from this, or you yourself could really benefit from this, you can check it out at vmmapy.com/orgasm, and we will also link to the show notes, uh, link to that in the show notes.
All right. Well, let's just jump into this really hot and heavy with the million-dollar question. Why do women fake, Vanessa?
As someone who faked literally every single orgasm, orgasm in air quotes, with every single partner until I met you.
You really make me sound really special when you say that, but it's not actually. The story is not actually that I had anything figured out because we certainly didn't have things figured out early on. Okay, so there are a lot of different reasons why we fake. A main one for me is I felt really embarrassed that I didn't know how to actually get there. And so it felt like, like faking felt like the better option. I don't want to have this awkward conversation with my partner. I don't want to make him feel bad. I don't want him to think that the chemistry isn't good between the two of us. So it felt like the kinder and easier thing to do to fake. Sometimes women fake because we want the experience to be over with. I think a lot of women, even if they can orgasm, if they're not feeling it, they're not having a good time, like they'll just fake it so it can be done with.
Yeah. Because, yeah. Because a lot of men are kind of like waiting for that feedback of, "Oh, okay, she's, she's good. All right. Like, now I don't need to hold off anymore." Also, I mean, I guess faking or not, I'm sure that I have been on the receiving end of plenty of faked orgasms before I met you. But I mean, yeah, it's one of those things where it, it's really hot to see somebody orgasming or thinking that they're orgasming, and that often gets me over the top, too. So, yeah. I mean, it is a good strategy if you want it to be over.
Yeah. And I think there's also an element of wanting to make your partner feel good, too. Like, in a weird way, faking orgasm is like caretaking for your partner. Like,
"Oh yeah, he did a good job."
Yeah. I want you to feel like you did a good job. I don't want your fragile male ego to be bruised. So like, it's like I sacrifice myself and my own experience so that you can feel better. And unfortunately, there are far, far too many women in that same situation.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think this is, this is such a tricky one, 'cause I think that a lot of men see faking as this, as, you know, almost like sort of like like a lie or an insult, like take it really personally, which is funny because I think that a lot of men should really be able to empathize with that feeling of like feeling like you're supposed to already be good at something and not wanting to have to confront the fact that maybe you're not very good at something. Men will go, we will so often go so far out of our way to not ask for help, not admit that we have a problem, not admit that we need something, or not admit that we're just not awesome at something.
And we'll bend over backwards to try to show, "Oh no, I know what I'm doing." Or I will avoid doing something that will show that I'm not great at something, right? Or like I will refuse to ask for directions and just like keep driving around being lost. And it's interesting, you know, men will often take this so personally and it's like, wait, hold on. Like, can't, like, can't you empathize with that feeling that she is probably having of like, "I should already know how to do this. This is so embarrassing that I don't know how to do this. I don't want to admit to myself. It's too hard to admit to myself that I really don't know how to have an orgasm even though I've been sexually active for a while."
And maybe like I don't even know how to get there by myself. Or even if you do know how to get there by yourself, like I can't get there with another person. Like, what does that say? And so, yeah, I, I hope that partners and men out there listening to this can get that it's shitty and that it can feel like your partner has been lying to you. And I hope you can also kind of see the humanity in your, you know, if you are realizing that your partner has struggled with this or your partner has faked with you. It's, I can see the argument for it's a lie in a way, but it's like I wouldn't look at this the same way as like a lie about, I don't know, like, like infidelity or or something like that. Like, it's...
It's an, it's an, it's an understandable predicament, and it's been really hard for your partner. And it's like, okay, yeah, you can beat them over the head with the fact that they've lied to you, or you could get on the same page and be like, "Great, we have a huge opportunity to make sex so much better for you. Like, let's figure that out."
Mhm.
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Yeah, you look great. I love it.
I also got a very cute black dress that you were really into, and a little wristlet that will just have enough space for like some cash and cards, like when we go out to dinner or something like that.
I've just like literally everything that I've gotten from Quint has been an absolute knockout of the park.
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All right. So, speaking of opportunities to to have a better experience, our next question is, "What can I do to be a supportive partner if she's never had one? How do I tell her that I want to help her get there?"
So, it sounds like this is coming from somebody whose partner has been upfront and honest with them about their orgasm struggles, which props to that woman because I know that's really, really hard to do. Like, it's so hard to get out of the cycle of faking and to admit that you're struggling with this. So, the first thing that you can do, and really the most important thing you can do to be a great partner to her, is let her know that nothing's wrong with her. That it's not that big of a deal that she hasn't yet learned how to orgasm, like, at all, or with you. When you are struggling with your orgasm, and again, I'm speaking from personal experience here, it is so easy to feel like something's wrong with you. You are broken in some horrible, irreparable way. You're the only one struggling with this. And so, it's such a gift that you can give to her to tell her, "Hey, I'm really glad that you were honest with me about this. I'm here to help you. I want to be a supportive partner to you. Like, we're going to figure this out." Like, don't make it a big deal. You don't have to get all worked up about it like, "Okay, we got to, we got to figure out the plan and how are we going to make it get there?" Like, 'cause you want to avoid the other end of the spectrum is putting pressure on her.
Yeah. Or going into that problem-solving mode. "I'm, we, or I am going to figure this out for you."
Sometimes men, especially, are trying so hard to be supportive partners that they actually go to that other extreme of like, "I've got you. We're going to do this. We're going to figure it out. Like, I'm, you know, here with you all the way." And it just creates this pressure of like, "Oh, shit, like now I really have to do it."
Or like, "I really have to perform for my partner." And you, like, that might actually, in a perverse way, incentivize you to start like faking or something 'cause it's like, "Oh god, now my partner is so invested in this and, and like he really needs me to do this, and I, I gotta, I gotta perform."
Yeah. So I think just being chill about it, like, "Hey, I appreciate you telling me, you know, no big deal, like, let, I want to support you. Let me know what I can do. I'm here for you, you know." So just don't make it a big deal.
So, wait, wait, wait. So, so you shouldn't say, "Well, this has never been a problem with any of my other partners."
Definitely don't say that. That's one of the worst. Yeah. I think some men can get a little defensive if they find out that their partner is struggling with orgasm, and they want to say like, "Oh, but I'm, I'm good and like I'll help you get there and this is important to me." And again,
"It's clearly not a technique issue, a me issue."
Yeah. Like, I think actually weirdly, a lot of men who say that, I do think have good intentions, but it just comes out completely wrong. Like, don't compare her to your past partners. Don't say like, "Oh, I, you know, I've always been able to figure this out." Like,
Well, and because the other thing is that that that line of thinking, if you say something like that, or even that intention of like, "Oh, well, I'm not, like, I'm, I'm, I'm not meaning this in a negative way. It's coming from a place where what you're actually saying is, 'I'm responsible for your orgasm. My technique is responsible for your orgasm.'" And I hate to break it to you, but your personal technique or your skill that you've derived when it comes to intercourse or any kind of sex before your current partner really has very little bearing on your current partner.
Mhm.
Because if, when we are actually thinking about how pleasure works in the female body, it is, there is much more variation in the female body in terms of how anatomically, like the clitoris and the vagina are situated with each other versus the penis, where basically the more you stimulate, you know, the more you stimulate a penis up and down, like generally your hand motions, you're going to, you're going to bring that person to orgasm. There's less of a one-to-one of like, "Okay, generally this technique is going to get you from A to B." And there's a lot of different elements, um, of stimulation in terms of like pressure and stroke and speed that some women are going to love and other women are not going to love. And so, it's really a matter of figuring out what the right process is, what the right techniques are for your current partner. So throw all that past experience away. Also, I also hate to break it to you, even if you really do feel like it's truly never been a problem for you in the past, you really can't ever know that, given what we talked about, faking.
What, what are the general stats on faking when we've pulled our audience? Like,
Oh, I think like 95% of women said that they've faked.
It's...
And we're not saying all, we're not saying all the time at all, but have in the past.
Nearly every woman has. So just keep that in mind when you think about when you think about sort of like your skill from the past. You may not have an accurate picture. How she reacted may not be an accurate reflection on how good you are. How good you are has really everything to do with how good of a partner you are to your current partner and how much of a teammate you want to be in figuring out what is going to be most pleasurable for this partner. And then I'll also say, like, support her in exploring different techniques, too. Like, you want to make the process of figuring out the specific technique that gets her there feel fun. Yes, there's a goal that you both have in mind, you both want to get there, but the process of getting there should be really fun, too. So, let her know that you're excited to explore things. You have time for her. You are enjoying being able to like be intimate with her. Because that's the thing about getting to orgasms, like the path should be fun. It's not like you're just sitting around twiddling your thumbs until you hit the orgasm. Like the process of it should be fun. So again, we, we want to find this middle ground of like, you have to care and be invested in it, but not so much that you're putting pressure on her.
So, in Finishing School, like we walk through exercises to do together, and we've set it up so that you're doing things to each other, so it doesn't make her feel like she's the problem child. Like, "Oh, I'm easy. I've, you know, I've got it all figured out. And then you're the one who needs to have the focus." Like, you're exploring different techniques with each other in Finishing School. So, you both get this sense of learning more about each other, trying new things on each other. It feels like much more even.
Yeah. There are a lot of different techniques and a lot of different things to try. I think one thing I just want to call out is like, if you are in this situation right now,
I would say probably the biggest thing
I would recommend is take the pressure off of intercourse to be the thing that is going to give your partner an orgasm. Yeah. Especially a first orgasm. I would even say let's just assume intercourse ain't it.
Yeah. Maybe. Yeah, because it probably, intercourse alone is will bring very few women to orgasm. It needs to be intercourse plus more stimulation. So, I would recommend figuring out what is the other stimulation that is going to reliably and regularly get your partner there. Then, if you want to add in the intercourse, absolutely go ahead and do that. But I think the mistake that most people make, again, because men are thinking, "I am responsible, like my penis alone is responsible for my partner's experience," kind of think, "Oh, well, you know, intercourse has to be the thing that we are doing." And I think a lot of men can really get in their head 'cause it's like, "Oh, well, god, it's really taking my partner a long time to get there, and it's really hard for me to last a long time," and like, you know, then there's sort of this weird battle between the two of you of like, "Okay, well, I'm, I'm really trying, but like I can't really go very hard 'cause I'm trying to make it last." And then if I can't last, then that's like a bad reflection on me. And so then I might say things that maybe make my partner feel bad about how long they are taking. Cut the, cut the intercourse out. Intercourse is not going to be the thing that gets your partner over the hump. Intercourse might be a thing that you could add on later that makes it really awesome, but that would be my number one recommendation. In Finishing School, we walk you through all the techniques, all the things to try, 'cause there are a lot of different things to try that you may not even realize are options.
And I mean, if she wants to try Finishing School, that's another great way to be a supportive partner. It's like, "Yeah, I think that's awesome. I think you should do it. Like, invest in yourself. Take this time for yourself. Like, I think that's really important."
And then lastly, I'll give you the golden phrase to say to a woman when you are working on her, exploring her orgasm. So when you are going to be focusing on her with your hands, with your mouth, with a toy, 'cause like Xander said, it's not going to be intercourse. So tell her, "I have all the time in the world for you. As long as you are feeling good, I am happy. So I'm going to happily keep going until you tell me to stop." So that's a really nice phrase because you're saying "until you tell me to stop." It's not about orgasm. You're like, even taking that off the table, you're allowing her to tell you when she's done.
Yeah. And then, and then really allow yourself to get comfortable because that's the other problem that so many guys have. I've been there myself. You're using your hands, you're using your mouth. Most of the positions that we get into by default to to finger a partner or to go down on a partner are not the most comfortable positions to stay in for a sustained amount of time. Because the reality is most of us are having sex the way we see it portrayed, which is like, "Okay, well, we do the fingers or we do the mouth for like 30 seconds at most on the way to the next thing." So, who cares what position we're in, right? Like, it's exciting. It's really short. Like, yeah, my neck can deal with being, you know, like laying flat on the bed and like, you know, my, my, my head is up like going down on you for 30 seconds. Sure, but like for five minutes, like I'm going to be hurting and then it's like I can't really get into another position from there very easily. So I think put your money where your mouth is.
Mhm.
Literally. And like get, like say, "I have all the time in the world."
You want to put money on...
Yeah. But like, yes, "I have all the time in the world for you."
Let's get, you know, let me figure out how to get really comfortable here. So, I would recommend if you're fingering, get into a position where you can easily use both of your hands 'cause you are going to need to switch off. Your fingers, your wrist will get tired. Um, and you know, same like if you're going down your partner, I might, you might actually want to like be, uh, you know, put a pillow down, be down on your knees so that you're not like your neck isn't being cranked or bent weirdly. So yeah, like seriously take the time to even talk to your partner about, "Okay, yeah, let's like maybe even have a practice session where we play around with some different positions so that you don't get tired." 'Cause I think that's the other thing is like, imagine you are receiving and you're like, "Okay, my partner is saying to take all the time I need. I know that I need to take time 'cause that's what I haven't given myself before. I know I need that. My partner's saying that they want me to do that." But then they start doing it and you can see your partner starting to fidget. You can see them like, you know, their, their, their fingers are slowing down because their wrist is starting to hurt, right? Like, what would that be like for you?
You're like,
"Yeah." No, it's, it's tough when you can see your partner like,
And then you're like, "All right, all right. Let's call it." 'Cause the reality is, yeah, we do get tired. You do the exact same thing over and over and over. You got to be able to switch it up a little bit so that, you know, your wrist doesn't get tired. All right, moving on. Will I be able to tell when she is actually having an orgasm?
No, you won't. If you're good at faking orgasm, like you're good at faking orgasm. There's, we hear from so many men who are like, "Oh, no, no, like that was not a faked one." And I, like, I had so many partners who were like, felt very confident that that was actually happening. But no, you can fake every single aspect. And most women who do fake it, like, you fake it so often that you start to get real good at the performance. So I mean, obviously, like, you know, something like moaning or saying "I'm coming," like anybody, like, "Hey, I'm coming," like I could say it right now. It doesn't mean it's actually happening.
She's shaking, by the way.
Um, but sometimes people will say like, "Oh, well, I felt like pulses inside of her," 'cause muscle contractions.
Yeah. Muscle contractions is one of the telltale signs of having an orgasm. But you can fake those. Like, it's just doing a little Kegel, like squeezing them internally. So you can totally fake that.
Okay. But on the on the flip side, let's assume like positive, good intent. You're with a partner who is like trying to learn how to orgasm and they are, they are not faking. There are some telltale signs in theory to what orgasm is. There can be some muscle contractions, but that's not, it's not like across the board, like every, every person does. And especially your first orgasms, we, we talked about this in the last episode, that especially your first orgasms tend to be pretty small ones, right? And so like those smaller ones are, are probably not going to have those, like, you're not going to have like a massive muscle contraction. So there can be signs. There's not a reliable, like, "Oh yeah, if these three things happen, she definitely orgasmed."
Yeah.
All right. All right. So, our next question. Do some women really not need to finish in order to feel satisfied?
Okay, this is a funny question. So, let's start with saying that there are some people who don't need to have an orgasm every single time. Like, an orgasm should not be the defining factor of an interaction. Like, orgasms are great. They are wonderful. But they are just one very small piece of a sexual interaction. Like, you could have sex for hours and then have this orgasm that's 2 to 20 seconds at the very end of it. Like, we need to remember that the, the whole experience matters. And so, yeah, there may be times where you feel satisfied without one. There may be times where you just feel like, "Hey, for whatever reason, it's just not going to happen." But I feel good about the connection, the pleasure, the exploration that we've had. So yes, an orgasm doesn't need to be the be-all and end-all. That being said, I think most of the time when women say, "Oh, I don't really need one to feel satisfied," it's because they're having struggles with orgasm where maybe they've never had one before, or they're concerned about what it takes to get them there. Like, "It takes me too long. It takes too much effort. I feel bad for making my partner do all of that. We just don't have the time to go into it right now." Like, so a lot of times women are self-sacrificing. It's a, it's like the same sacrifice that goes behind faking the orgasm, but it's just denying themselves the orgasm instead. Like, "Oh, I don't really need to have one."
Also, the, the, the way that this is phrased is kind of a giveaway. "Satisfied" feels like a kind of low bar to me. Like, if, if you have a meal, if you're like, "Oh, how was, how was that meal at that really nice restaurant?" You're like, "I was satisfied."
Like, that's not like, "Oh, it was so great. I can't stop thinking about it."
I don't know.
I have a different take. I think I think I would say, "I feel satisfied by sex." And, and I wouldn't think that's a bad thing.
Yeah, I guess so. But like,
"That was satisfying sex." That's a good thing. Yeah. I, I guess I guess maybe it depends on your tone, but if I was like, I mean, if you ask, "How's your sex life?" and you go, "Okay." And two people respond. One person goes, "My sex life is satisfying." And another person goes, "My sex life is great." Which one do you...
Okay, it's the tone 'cause you'd be like, "Gosh, my sex life is so satisfying." That sounds great.
Yeah. But I'd also be like, "Why aren't you using a bigger word than satisfied?"
I don't know. We have just different takes on that word. I don't, I don't know. But yeah, I mean, my experience is, you know, as a man, I have definitely, you know, had situations where I'm experiencing some kind of performance issue, perhaps, where maybe we start and then I'm not able to finish, and you know, there's moments where I'm like, "You know what? Like, like, I'm, I'm good. I think that we can move on now." And it's like, I'm, I'm basically saying like, "Okay, like, I'm satisfied. I don't, I don't want to keep on trying." And it's like, and it's challenging in those moments 'cause it's like, "Yeah, like I am, like I am good enough that I can move on and I don't want to make you feel bad about the situation. I'm not really satisfied. I'm just like, it feels like it's going to be doing more harm than good to keep pushing for something that might not happen, and I'd rather just kind of like walk away from the situation and try again later."
So, here's what I'd do. If your partner in the moment says like, "Hey, it's okay. It's not going to happen for me tonight." I would check in with them once and say, "Hey, are you sure? Because I am totally happy to keep going. Like, I'm, you know, I want you to feel pleasure." Check in once. If they say like, "Yeah, you know, I'm, I just really am not, like, it's fine for tonight," then I would let leave it. But if your partner is saying this on an ongoing basis, then I would wait and have a separate conversation with them and say, "Hey, I notice that you've been saying, you know, decent amount, like you don't really need one. I don't want to pressure you to have one every single time. Like, you get to decide what feels good for you. But I also want to make sure you understand that your orgasm, your pleasure, they aren't burdens to me. Like, I genuinely want you to feel good and enjoy yourself."
Yeah. I mean, and to anyone who who relates with this, who feels like, "Yeah, I don't, I, I don't have an orgasm every single time and I do feel satisfied." I think it's worth, I think it's just worth us calling out that, you know, you've worked with thousands and thousands of women on on orgasm, and it is absolutely 100% possible for any woman to be having orgasms every time they have sex. Like, that is available to to everyone. It is not too much. It is, like, it is a learnable skill, and it is a skill where it is like, you can get better and better at it at bringing yourself to that point more and more quickly and more and more reliably. Right. So I feel like we have to say that to anybody listening to this. Right.
Yeah.
All right. Can women have performance anxiety when it comes to orgasm?
Absolutely. I mean, I think that's a big part of why the faking comes into play is it just, it feels like there's a lot of pressure around it. It's funny 'cause when I started working with female orgasm, women were just starting to say to me like, "I feel like there's, we're seeing more and more attention being paid to female orgasm. Like, it's actually being written about in articles now. It's not this, you know, mysterious secret, but it's actually making me feel more pressure to get there. Like, now I really feel like something's wrong with me and I've got to figure this out." So yeah, absolutely. Women can feel anxious and feel like it's something that they are supposed to do, that they need to do, something that they have to perform for their partner. So this is actually a way that people can relate with each other during sex. I think most of us feel performance anxiety around sex in one way or another. You know, regardless of the genitals that you're working with, like we all feel this pressure to like, "I want to have a good experience. I want the chemistry to be good. I want to give my partner the best orgasm they've ever had." So, this is a way that you can relate with your partner and a way you can share that with her, too. Like, "Hey, I deal with my own performance anxiety. These are the things that I feel self-conscious of. These are the things that I've struggled with." Like, that can actually be a really nice conversation between partners.
All right. So, what are the best positions to help her orgasm?
Okay. Well, first of all, I want to remind you that the best positions for her to orgasm are going to be the ones when you're using your hands or your mouth on her, not an intercourse position.
Ooh, trick question.
And again, especially if she's never had an orgasm or never had an orgasm with a partner or just inconsistent with her orgasms, you're going to have to focus with your hands and mouth or a toy. It's not going to be intercourse. But let's say you've already gotten there and now you're trying to explore intercourse positions. The best one is definitely cowgirl for a bunch of different reasons. One is that she gets to be in control. She gets to be in control of the movement, of the angle, of the pace, of the depth, of the speed. So she gets to really like fine-tune the stimulation that her body is receiving. She also can create clitoral stimulation when she's on top, which we talked about in the last episode, like clitoral stimulation really is the key to female orgasm. So, it's easy to use your hands on yourself, to use a toy, or even if you lean, like depending on the angles of your bodies, if you lean against your partner, like you can sometimes like grind against their lower abdomen. Um, and so that can create some clitoral stimulation as well. But yeah, by far and away, cowgirl is the most common position that women orgasm in.
It also opens up the possibility for your part, for the partner also to use their hands.
Yeah.
Um, which can be really good.
Yesterday was a good day around these parts because we got our latest Hungry Root delivery. Hungry Root takes the stress out of mealtime by filling your cart with personalized picks and planning your entire week of meals, and it gets smarter with every order. So, they are a meal service, but you can make 15,000 recipes every week, and many of them are available in just 15 minutes or less. And they also have a wide grocery selection. So, we decided to switch it up this time and we went more in the snacks route. Usually, we've done the meals, and they're so convenient, so easy. They come together so quickly. But this time we decided, let's try out like all the snacky stuff. And so we went through, it was so much fun getting to pick the things that we wanted to try. We found brands that we love. We found brands that we have never tried before, but we were super excited to try out. And unpacking that box was so fun. And we've already had some super delicious things like these Tostone chips.
They're like Caribbean lime flavor. Those were super good. We got some flax muffins, like blueberry and some carrot. Carrot raisin.
I had one this morning. It was delicious.
Did you eat the whole thing?
I did. I thought the muffins were for me.
What?
Oh my god.
Which one did you eat?
The carrot raisin one.
No, you're not allowed to eat the whole thing. I wanted to try that one.
Good thing we can order another Hungry Root box.
Oh my god, I'm so mad at you right now. That we're going to have a conversation about this afterwards. Seriously though, we really love Hungry Root, and we know that it is going to make your life and your mealtime and your snacky time so much easier. But maybe you'll get in a fight with your partner 'cause they ate your snacks and now you're mad.
And now you get to order a second box.
Mhm. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box, plus get a free item in every box for life. Oh, so that might be the carrot, uh, the carrot, uh, raisin muffin.
I think they have more valuable freebie than just one muffin, but...
Okay. Well, if you really wanted the muffin, it could be a muffin, but hopefully you got something more valuable than that.
Go to hungryroot.com/pillow and use code PILLOW. That's hungryroot.com/pillow, code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. hungryroot.com/pillow, code PILLOW.
You're listening to Pillow Talks. So, we know you are into a little oral stimulation. A U R A L.
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Okay, but why are orgasms, female orgasms, so inconsistent?
Well, there are a lot of different reasons. It could be that she's still kind of on the beginning of her orgasm journey. Like, there's learning how to orgasm, and then there's learning like how to get there consistently and reliably. Like, it takes a little bit of time to figure that out. So it might be that she's, you know, she's still just figuring it out. It can also be because you're having, you're like overly focusing on intercourse, and she's getting stimulation of a part of her body that isn't particularly sensitive, that isn't wired for her to feel a ton of pleasure and reach orgasm. So, you know, especially in male-female, male-female couples, the vast majority of male-female couples default to intercourse being the main act, like the main event, the main thing that they spend the most of their time on. So, she's getting very inconsistent stimulation, which is going to lead to inconsistent experiences of pleasure and inconsistent orgasms. So, it can be that, too. Um, and it, I mean, there are other things that could get in the way of it. Maybe she's feeling self-conscious about her body. She's feeling self-conscious of how much time she's taking. She's worrying about you. Are you enjoying yourself, or are you starting to get bored or frustrated that she's not getting there? It could be that she's got too much going on in her head and can't like focus and be present in the moment. It could be that she's feeling disconnected from you and having a hard time like surrendering and and letting go and trusting in the moment. So, there can be a lot of different things.
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think one thing is like, if, if you do not have a history as a couple, or your partner does, doesn't have a history of regularly getting to orgasm on their own or in a partnered sense, then I think that, yeah, it can also be the inconsistency of what you are doing when you're having sex that that plays a huge role. Like, I think that if it is, if it were left up to most guys, I think that for the most part, like each sexual experience looks kind of different. There's a different energy. There's a different pace. There's, you know, a different set of positions. Like, I think that of, you know, if it's 100% of the guy, he might be like, "All right, cool. Like, let's start a missionary. All right, now why don't you jump on top? And oh, now we're going to get in the doggy style." Whatever. You know, like you're moving around. And so if there's inconsistency in what you're doing, your partner might be like, "Okay, well, like I, I think I know what to do, but like he keeps moving me around and like I'm kind of getting there and then, and then, and then he moves me and then I'm like back to square one." Whereas I think most guys are kind of thinking like, "The longer we have sex, the better it feels for me and the closer I get to orgasm." It's not like, "Oh, each time I move positions, the stimulation just starts over."
Um, and so I think that that can play a role. Like, if I look at our, if I'm really, really honest about our history with sex, I think like at the beginning, we were, you know, we were having sex and I think, you know, quickly we realized Vanessa was not having orgasms as consistently as she would want them. And we got into kind of sort of like some argument about that where it was like, there was sort of this like energy of like, "Okay, well, like we need to make sure that Vanessa's having orgasms." Um, and we, we kind of, I, I think that we for a while started having the kind of like very similar sex until we got to a point where you were really consistently having them. Like, we kind of developed a routine of like, "Okay, this is, these are the positions. This is like the way that we do it in order to get you there." And then I feel like once you were really consistently getting there, then it was sort of like we kind of started changing things up and now it feels like, you know, I think, you know, we know how to make it happen in, you know, nearly any position, right? But like, I'm thinking there was a while where like what we were doing was pretty similar.
Yeah.
And it was helping you get to a point where it was like, you could start having them faster and more consistently, right?
Yeah.
And so I think that, you know, I think I think it might be important to think of that as like, "Hey, you might need to follow that approach for a while and, and if you..."
Don't, it might continue to feel inconsistent because your partner is still needing to get a feel for what it is that they need. Okay.
How do I tell my wife I want her to experience more than one orgasm? >> Okay. This is another one of those questions where I'm like, hm, what's the motivation behind this here? So, if you're genuinely coming from a place of like, hey, I've got all the time in the world for you. I want you to have as much pleasure as possible. That's awesome and that's great. But if you're coming from a place of like, oh, I want you to have multiple orgasms so I feel better about myself. That's not so great. Like her orgasm should be about her, not about you. So, I'd check your motivations there.
The other thing is that not like most women don't want to have multiple orgasms. Like most women are perfectly happy and satisfied having just one. Like myself included. I can have multiple orgasms, but for me, each or each sub successive >> successive orgasm successive like sequential each successive orgasm is less and less powerful. >> So, and other women are different. Other women can have like, oh, the next one is more powerful. So, some women do like it, but a lot of women don't. A lot of women are like, I'm satisfied. I feel good. I'm complete. I'm ready to go. So, if I felt like Xander was really pressuring me for like, "No, let's go for another one. I want you to have another one." I'd be like, "Buddy, like, leave me alone. Like, let me be. I'm happy with what I've experienced." So, >> so you like to go out with a bang? >> With one single bang. >> Yeah.
I mean, I I can imagine because it's I think it's so hard for a lot of men because most men are not able to experience multiple orgasms. There there's a refractory period. You have to wait and then if you know even if even if like you're you know real high performer and like 30 minutes later you're ready for more it's very low likelihood that that next orgasm is going to be very good >> and it's going to be hard to get there. Um, so I think most men are just like so blown away at like, wait, women can have multiple orgasms. There's no refractory period. Like it's almost like it's Yeah. It's like this weirdly kind of like fetishized idea cuz it's like this is feels so counter to what my experience is that it can feel so exciting to want >> your partner to experience that. And yeah, I definitely early in our relationship, I think like you know, we I I didn't I don't I wouldn't say I pressured you, but I definitely encouraged you a couple of times because I think it can Yeah, cuz it can feel like, >> you know, it can feel like, oh, this is huge validation for me, like, oh, if I'm giving her multiple orgasms, but I'm really must be doing something >> right. And we did a couple of times and then you described to me that like it's actually not very satisfying. Each, you know, the next one is not as good. And then I come away, you know, with that being the last thing that I remember about it rather than like this really great orgasm that I had. And it's also, you know, I think it feels a little uncomfortable for you for a little while to to continue before you start getting towards that second one. I was like, "Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess I can think about that. It's like it's like if I push myself to do it again really fast after." And I'm like I'm like, "Ooh, that was a lot of work." And it maybe was even a little uncomfortable. I'm a little sore. And like I managed to have a little orgasm. Yeah, >> I did it. But like now I'm thinking about like my penis feels a little uncomfortable and I really like I'm probably like sweaty and feel kind of gross and I could have just stopped in the first one and been really satisfied.
So if your partner is asking for it, if your partner really loves it or they're having more and more cuz we definitely do hear from a subset of women that say, "Oh yeah, I can have a ton and they get better and better." So if that's you, hell yeah. All right, now we got two in the more advanced category.
How do I make G-spot orgasm happen and how do I make her squirt? >> Okay, so same vibe here as with the previous question. I think very often we hear this question from men who are wanting to like do this to make them feel good. Like they see squirting and you know feel like oh well that's like the extra special orgasm. That's like the gold star orgasm. And it's really more about like wanting to feel good about their own skills than it is about wanting to make sure their partner is having a great experience. So, definitely go back and listen to the episode from last week where we talk about the different kinds of orgasm and how really that's actually BS. Um, we talk a lot in that episode about what's truly important when it comes to orgasm, which is the clitoris. So, listen to that. But yeah, don't make it about you. Yeah, I think yeah, if your partner wants to focus on figuring out how to squirt or squirting more consistently if they already do or they do want to experiment with what an internal clitoral orgasm could feel like, then absolutely go ahead and experiment with that. But please don't pressure them.
All right. What am I supposed to do while she's coming? >> Such a >> What about me? What about me? No, I think like I think sometimes people get a little confused in the moment because sometimes the orgasm can be intense like >> the hips are bucking around and you're just like, I don't know what to do. >> Yeah. >> Do I keep going? Do I freeze? >> So, >> do I stop? >> All you need to do is just keep going. Don't stop. Like, >> listen to what she says. >> Hang on in there. Hang on for dear life. Keep doing what you're doing until she's done. Don't switch anything up. Don't stop. Just hang on for dear life. >> Yeah. If she especially if she's saying don't stop. Do not stop what you are doing. Don't go harder. Don't go slower. Don't do it different. And yeah, just keep going until she says to stop. I think you like I know like with you, you'll reach a point often where you'll be like you'll like grab my hand or like okay like that's that's enough. But what I've learned is that if you stop before then you're basically cutting it short. >> Yeah. >> So yeah, I mean I think it's similar like like if if I'm getting a [ __ ] or something it's like you know there you know I think you know at times you've tried to kind of like guess what to do or like you know like oh like do I do I go harder? Do I go slower to make it better? And it's like it's like I can't really explain but it's like no just keep going. I'll tell you when I've had enough.
All right. Well, I kind of already mentioned like how to not make it last longer, but how do you actually make your partner's orgasm last longer? Can you even? >> No, you can't. There's nothing you can do. It's It's nice to want to make it the best, longest, most wonderful orgasm. It can, but there's nothing that you can do as a partner to affect the length of it. So, >> other than just keep going. >> Yeah. Just keep going. >> Keep going till she tells you to stop.
All right. This is an interesting one. After her orgasm, she loses all sense of enthusiasm. How do I help her stay engaged? If this was asked by a man, this feels like something that you could probably empathize with, I would imagine, cuz most men after they orgasm >> hormonally, >> lose all sense of enthusiasm because they literally are in this refractory period having things released in their body that may that make us feel less engaged. But uh I so I hope that you could have some uh empathy, but what do you say? >> Yeah, I mean it's this one can be tricky because there definitely are some people of all genders like who, you know, once you've had that orgasm, it's just you really go into shutdown mode. And it's not that you're a jerk, that you don't care. It's like your body is just literally needing to have that little rest and relaxation moment. So, I would talk to her at a separate time and ask her like, "Hey, can you tell me what it's like for you like after you've had an orgasm?" And then I would say, you know, I like your orgasm is really important to me. I want to make sure it happens. I want to prioritize your orgasm. Like, and I want to make sure that we both have like a reciprocal experience. We both get to get enjoyment. And so I totally get that maybe you feel really tired or just, you know, really wanting to rest afterwards, but like I would love to have the same energy and enthusiasm for me getting there as I try to show for you getting there. So I think you like even if you're really tired and just want to take a nap, like we can usually muster up some energy to help make sure our partner gets there. But this is also something that we teach in finishing school is how to get the timing in as much alignment as possible. Um, so that you both get to have an enjoyable, satisfying orgasm experience. >> Yeah.
I mean, we've done a lot of work on our timing and in general, our timing is pretty good, but it's not always perfect. It's absolutely not always perfect. And I mean I've definitely you know I well I've learned a lot about you and your orgasm and that yeah like for you after you've had a big orgasm like you know you are definitely sensitive and so if I if I am not quite there yet I've learned like hey it is not cool for me to just like keep pounding it out like that is that is off the table like I need to slow it down for a little while and usually then, you know, after a little while if if I'm still not ready like I can bump up the intensity a bit, but like there needs to be a little while afterwards where I am slowing things down. And so, you know, I I can't say that that applies to everybody, but it's like that's the type of conversation that it's really important to have with your partners, understanding what their experience is and then understanding like what feels okay and not okay for you to be continuing to do. So that's going to set you up for success because yeah, I mean if if your experience is like your partner is like oh my god like you gotta like you know you're you're still trying to go really hard and your partner is like oh no like slow it down you got to stop like it can feel really disconnecting whereas if you know in advance oh as soon as they're done I need to slow it down then it's like you can continue like as long as your partner's okay with you continuing you can continue in a way where you're not feeling like oh my god like we're super disconnected. >> Yeah.
All right. Well, if you want to be a truly excellent partner to your lady, then encourage her to sign up for finishing school. Like I mentioned earlier, it's the 10-year anniversary of this groundbreaking, life-changing course that has taught thousands of women exactly what to do, step by step, to have their first orgasms on their own, with their partners, and whenever, wherever they want them. You know, I've talked about my own personal experience struggling with orgasm. That really was the motivation to create this. Like once I finally figured it out and had the opportunity to test my ideas and techniques on a lot of women, I thought, you know, I have to put this together. Cuz in all the time that I was struggling, I never was able to find any genuinely helpful resources. So, I'm really excited about this course, about the impact that it's already had, and I know that it can help your partner, too. So, we are doing some incredible deals right now because it's the 10-year anniversary. You can check everything out at vmtherapy.com/orgasm. We'll put that link in the show notes, too. And we even have content to help you talk to your partner about taking the course, too. You can email us at info@vmapy.com. We have a guide that we've written like exactly with how to do this with specific scripts. If she responds certain things, you know what to say to her in response to that. So, this just could be a really great way to support her to let her know that her pleasure is important to you, but also make sure you're doing it in a way that's not creating any pressure on her. So, once again, that is at vmapy.com/orgasm. >> And with that, this episode is over. Thanks for sticking around, friends. We will be back next week. We release episodes every Thursday. [Music]