Transcription
There's a calm energy that makes people immediately respect you, and it can even make them back down when the stakes are high. It looks like this.
>> You're really willing to blow up this deal over 20 bucks? >> Are you?
In this scene from Better Call Saul, Mike is acting as an enforcer in a multi-thousand-dollar drug deal. The guys paying are 20 bucks short, and Price, who's running the deal, wants to let it slide.
>> Is it all there? >> Uh we're we're short 20. $20. That's fine.
But then Mike comes back with this.
>> Agreed amount or no deal.
Here we have our two types of calm. Price is no problem calm. It's a small thing, we'll just move on. His calm smooths over any friction. But Mike is no deal calm. We're not just moving on calm. He's holding the line over what seems like a small thing, and I wish that I knew this when I was younger, but Price's style will actually get you walked over, while Mike's builds respect and makes deals work better. So, watch what happens next. It's dramatized, but the beats are very similar to what can happen in real life.
>> You serious? You're saying I intentionally shorted you? >> No, mistakes happen. >> You're really willing to blow up this deal over 20 bucks? >> Are you?
After a bit of pushback, Nacho meets Mike where he is, and then he disrespects Price because Price has shown him that he can. This is exactly what I had backwards for a very long time. I thought no problem calm was the answer. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. If someone's short 20 bucks or a few hours late on a deadline, it's all good. Just be generous and give people the benefit of the doubt. Except that created consistent problems. A few hours late on one deadline would become a few more hours late on the next, and then I'd be off by a day or more, and eventually I'd be filling in for the other person's work just trying to get things back on schedule. At the time I was like Price chasing that $20 bill, acting like there was no problem, and just encouraging disrespect. Now, I didn't want to be a jerk or yell at anyone, so I stayed stuck for a long time. But when I finally figured out the calm power of Mike's agreed amount or no deal, it had a positive effect on every relationship in my life.
So, I want to share the three specifics that you can use to learn much faster than I did. First, [music] you need to be explicit in your agreements. Mike did this earlier in the episode when he's negotiating pay.
>> And now that I'm doing the job alone, I get the full 1,500. We agree upon that? >> Sure.
A lot of times we can be vague in our expectations because we don't want to be pushy. So, I'd say something like, "Try to send this by Tuesday." But, when Tuesday passed, well, technically they did try. And that vagueness made me feel unclear if I had the right to enforce any boundary. So, I just default to no problem. So, make sure that your agreements have three parts. What will happen, by when, and the option on their end to opt in or renegotiate. So, instead of "Try to have this by Tuesday," you say, "I need the final edit emailed to me by Tuesday at 5:00 p.m. Pacific. Can you do that?" Now, young me would have thought this excessive, but making these kind of agreements with employees, parents, even my friends and girlfriend has improved every [music] relationship. And of course, in those long-term relationships, there's flexibility. I'm not chasing them around over $20 differences. But, when there is something important, like say that I want to take a trip with my dad since we don't get to spend a lot of time with each other, I make sure to be very clear about what I want, when I'd like it to happen, and I let him opt in or out. [music]
Which takes us to the second thing that helps Mike maintain his calm. He is uninterested in why agreements don't get met. He only cares whether they get met.
>> You serious? You're saying I intentionally shorted you? >> No. Mistakes happen.
>> Nacho tries to make this all about his intent, but Mike doesn't get riled because intent is a red herring. It's a distraction from the simple fact that the agreement was not honored on Nacho's side. So, especially early in a relationship, do not spend time judging someone's intent. Why someone breaks an agreement is less important than whether they break an agreement. If you don't get sucked into people's stories, it's way easier to stay calm in those moments. You just bring it back with I hear you, I still need that thing we agreed on.
This brings us to the third habit that will keep you powerfully calm, which is that Mike refuses to take full responsibility for the relationship.
>> Are you really willing to blow up this deal over 20 bucks? >> Are you?
Now, I know this might sound crazy because so often we're told that we need to take more responsibility. But a hard learning of mine in the past years is that taking 100% responsibility for a relationship is toxic. Instead, you want to take 100% responsibility for your side of the relationship. Are you honest, clear, and communicative? Did you bring your side of the deal? Outside of that, the only thing you have to pay attention to is did the agreed-upon thing happen or is there no deal? I actually learned this in one of the biggest decisions of my life. Now, in one form or another, my co-founder and I were discussing the sale of Charisma on Command from one of us to the other for about a year, and we finally got to a point of me saying, "Okay, I'm willing to buy it at this price with these terms if we can get the papers fully signed by December 1st. Does that work?" He agreed. And so we both started on with the lawyers, and as often happens, the lawyers slowed things down. Then there was a huge event that was going on in his life, and we didn't wind [music] up hitting that December 1st deadline. Now, a younger version of me would have focused on intent. The truth is everyone was doing their best. I'd have been so attached to trying to make things work that I would have focused on intent and just pushed the date, and really I almost did. But when I felt into things on December 2nd, I really genuinely no longer wanted to continue with the deal. So I sent him a message saying that I understood there was a lot happening, but we've missed the date. So the price wasn't one that I was interested in anymore. We could circle back to this in a few months to see if a different deal made sense then, but for now it was over. And importantly, this was not a negotiation tactic. I really did not want the deal under these circumstances. There was a clear feeling in me that respecting my own line was more important [music] than making this deal work as bad as I wanted it. What happened was that we immediately agreed upon a lower price, and that deal was done within three or four days. There was no yelling, no bad blood, no haggling over why we'd miss the date, just he and I acting decisively to get it done.
Which takes me back to Mike and Price. Price is calm, like mine, says no problem because he's trying to force a smooth transaction. He's afraid of someone getting upset or being responsible for a no deal outcome, just like me for a very long time. And Mike [music] can calmly say, "Agreed price or no deal." because he's not forcing anything to work. He has a code that he lives by, and that's where all of his attention goes. If other people want to meet him, great. If not, no deal is a fine option. And I've learned that even in these high-stakes situations, in dating, in business, with your family, respecting your own lines without blaming, without yelling, without sorting through the other person's business is worth >> [music] >> way more than any outcome.
So, if you want to bring in a bit of this calm but powerful energy, ask yourself, where in your life are you trying to force a deal? Maybe you're trying to get a dating app match to agree to date despite their flakiness, or you're trying to attract an investor who keeps dragging their feet. Once you've found the area, make a concrete agreement with this person that they have the option of opting into or out of, and hold the line without discussing reasons or intent, and let them meet you or not. It's true, you may have one challenging conversation, and some of those people will fall through, but some of them will move to meet you because that kind of calm is way more attractive than endless softening.
Now, thinking about no deal calm is one thing, and actually staying that calm instead of softening into no problem is a totally different thing. So, if no problem calm is a pattern that you recognize in yourself, like you're smoothing things over because holding the line feels awkward and scarier than getting walked over, that's actually something that the confidence module of Charisma University is built to work through. Here's what just a few of our students have to say about the program. Before Charisma University, I sucked at having conversations and I had low confidence around people. I am way more confident now having gone through the daily action guides, and I can see a big difference in the attention and the respect that that It makes life so much more fun. I don't think it's an overstatement to say charisma is literally a gateway to getting anything you want in life. So, thank you for making Charisma University. And this from another student, "If you knew me a year ago, you'd see a socially awkward guy. But that same guy had hidden confidence and charisma that has now been unleashed. I can't wait to see how much more I can grow as I complete the other modules. If you're reading this or listening right now, think about who you want to be in a year. This course will teach you how to be that person."
Charisma University is our 30-day step-by-step guided program that is designed to help you max out your confidence and charisma as fast as possible. Now, the course comes with a money-back guarantee, so if it's not right, you don't have anything to lose. Either way, I hope that you enjoyed this video, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.