Transcription
question for all of these single moms of boys. Do you ever feel like you're failing as a parent because you got to find somebody to be a father figure in your children's lives? Or is that just me?
Falling for the F boy when I ignored all the red flags and I fell hell over heels for a military pilot who lived in Alaska, which is very far from where I live. Elish admits it. Okay, here's the story of why I am a single mom. I was conned. I was promised a beautiful life and everything that I've ever wanted, all for it to be ripped out from beneath my feet.
Okay, so the guy lied to you and you believed his lies. Who's at fault, ma'am?
This may trigger some people, but this is just where I'm at and how I'm approaching dating at this stage in my life, especially as a single mom and someone who's really intentional with my energy. I've decided that I don't do the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing anymore. To me, that language, guys, it feels a bit high school. I'm not interested in being anyone's girlfriend. What I'm interested in is being a wife. And for me, it doesn't make sense to give someone exclusive access to me unless there is a formal tangible commitment.
Okay, ma'am. But you gave a man exclusive access to you and you made that guy a child. You gave away the most important thing, the the best gift that you can give a man. You gave another man that gift and now you expect some other guy to come along and offer you commitment. Why? Oh, because you deserve it, right?
As in I am engaged or married. So, until I am engaged or married, I consider myself single. Not in a careless way, but in a conscious and empowered way. Let me tell you five reasons why you should never date a single mom. Just kidding. I don't have any. Yes, I'm still single for all of you guys who are wondering. Hopefully, that's going to change very soon because I am finally ready to date again. As a single parent, dating has never been a priority to me until now. Yes, guys, dating wasn't a priority to her, and you won't be a priority to her.
But let's be honest here. Your finances can't reach her level. I've known a lot of wealthy men in my life, and I've never known one that gave a jack [ __ ] about whether a woman had children or not. Because...
So, how come you're still single, ma'am? How come you're not married to those wealthy men? Oh, because they just slept with you and then they left. So, what are you talking about? Of course, they didn't tell you anything cuz they just wanted to sleep with you. They lied to you. That's why you're still single. Can you see guys? I swear they have no logic. They actually believe their own delusions.
Because of my experience, I can say that this mentality is a fairly clear indication that you are a low earner and you wouldn't even be on the radar of women like us.
Straight up. Would you date a single mom?
Yeah. Yeah. date a single mom. What kind of question is that? Of course, I would.
Like actually take them seriously?
You know, I see that. It's my question. Don't...
I believe that everyone's here to have a good time.
For not a long time.
Yeah.
Like men saying like, "Don't ever date a single mom because who's trying to raise somebody else's kids?"
The thing about single moms... is that we're already raising our kids. Also, my daughter has a dad now. Like based on your emotional maturity, I guess if you're like, "Oh, I could never be a stepdad." Then like, okay, yeah, don't date a single mom.
Why would I want to raise another man's child? And ma'am, at some point, you are expected to be the father figure in that house, to be the provider. And yes, you already told us your uh your daughter has a father. The guy will always come after the daughter's father. He will never be a priority. So again, why would a man want to raise another man's child? He has nothing to gain, ma'am.
But like also, I don't really like being a stepdad isn't really that. It's just part of it. Because when you date a single mom, you take on the baggage that she brings to the relationship, the ex-boyfriend, the ex-husband. You're never number one on the list. You're always at the bottom of the totem pole behind the kid, the kid, the kid, the ex-husband, the the ex-boyfriend, the father of my son, her family, the dog. You will be the fifth or the sixth prior priority in that relationship.
Son, I love that phrase, the father of my daughter, the father of my son, and you are down there somewhere at the bottom. You slept with them and made a child with them. It's your judgment that had those dads getting in that position the first place. All these women complain about deadbeat dads. Why did you make kids with these guys for God's sake?
Yeah. And it's not only that. A lot of women will say, "Well, I made the mistake. I was young. I was stupid." Okay, ma'am. When guys make a mistake like that, first of all, we don't even get a choice if that child is born or not cuz it's your body, your choice. And if you decide to keep it, we for that mistake, we have to pay 18 years child support. But you you get to decide if that kid is born or not. And then you also get a child support from the guy. And then you also expect another guy to come and rescue you, to save you, to be the father figure. By the way guys, stay till the end because there are a lot of interesting videos that I want you to see. And by the way, if you enjoy my videos, consider subscribing. A caller called my show one day and said that he was paying child support for a child that wasn't his. I said, "How do you know? Did you take a DNA test?" He says, "No, I know for a fact I'm not the father. I started dating this woman. She already had the kid." And when we split up, the judge came to me and said, "Well, you bonded with the kid. You were there for Christmas and Thanksgiving and birthdays and what have you, so now you have to pay child support." So any guy in Washington state currently dating a single mom could end up paying child support for some other guy's kids.
And it's not only that. If the kid doesn't like you, he will never respect you. And and he can call the police whenever he wants and claim assault just because he doesn't like you or tell his father all kinds of lies to pit him against you because he doesn't like you. Because he resents you because in his mind you're the reason that his parents got divorced.
I'm going on a second date with a man who does not know I have kids. When I decided to date casually this year and I set up my dating profile for that, I chose to not put on there that I have kids. I chose not to tell any of the men that I had conversations with that I had kids. And I did not tell either of the men that I went out on a first date with that I had kids. You know what? I love when y'all ask me how long did it take for me to move on after I had my baby. So, I can say it took me no time. No time at all. I dated with a newborn. And I'm going to tell you how I did it. I sent my newborn with her daddy so I could have dates to myself to go on dates. Duh.
There's differences between couples getting both getting married for the first time without children involved and getting married one party getting married for the second time or both parties when there are children involved. And it does make things more complicated.
More scary. And we get a lot of comments on our videos about how men in particular are saying, "I'm not getting married because I'm not moving in with a single woman who has kids because then I can be deemed to be in local parent when I move I don't have to pay child support." And I get that people don't want to have to be ladled with child support. Yet, if they move in with a woman who is single with kids, it's too bad. The courts don't care about they what they want. They care about what's in the best interest of the kids. I just watched this dating coach coach this woman who is a single mom on settling for any man she can have because no man would want to be with a single mom. Someone has a problem with you being a single parent. That comes from insecurity. So, let me get this straight. Because a single guy doesn't want to take care of another guy's kid, doesn't want to be with a single mom because there are lots and lots of problems that come with that. It's because he's insecure, guys. Can you see their mentality? Yeah, I don't agree with the fact that she should choose any guy. Any guy. No, because that guy may harm her daughter, her kid. But don't try to raise your standards after becoming a single mom. All of a sudden now you're smarter. All of a sudden now every guy has to raise to your standards has to do 10 times more stuff just to be with you when the baby daddy didn't have to do anything.
I think the tricky thing especially when you're a mom of three, not one, not two, three, obviously that's a big a big thing. It's a lot of baggage to some people. To me, obviously not. My children are the best thing that have ever happened to me. Wouldn't change anything the world. Um, but it's going to, you know, dating is going to be tricky because I know that I want no more children. Absolutely not. Um, so it would have to be someone who already has kids or somebody who doesn't want kids, but then they can't like hate kids because I've got kids. Um, also it's like this like tricky stage, right? It be like it would be nice to go on some like fun little dates. May have been on some fun little dates, but am I ready for a relationship? Absolutely not.
Can you see how many requirements they have?
Will I ever trust anyone again? Probably not.
Okay, so she wants a man to take care of her kids. She doesn't want any kids anymore. She also doesn't want to date anymore. And and she won't trust another man again.
But do I want to die alone with 10 cats?
I don't think so. Being a single mom on Tinder sucks so bad cuz there's only two options for how you can fill out your profile. There's "has kids, wants more." "Has kids, doesn't want more." Neither of those options make me sound like I'm going to be a good time to hang out with. Because if I put "has kids, doesn't want more," that makes it sound like I hate my living existing child. But if I put "has kids, wants more," that adds a whole lot of pressure to the situation that doesn't need to be there. So, I need Tinder to add a feature that says "has kids that you're probably never going to meet unless we're really serious about one another, but like no pressure or anything."
Again, with the standard. So just because she's a single mother, she's not the one that's supposed to change. Everybody else is supposed to change according to her to fill her needs because she's a single mother.
So this is what's weird about being a single mom and dating in your mid to late 30s. You can date much younger and they love you. Like these young men are all about it.
They love sleeping with you. Just think about it. Single mothers can't find a decent guy to date, to marry. What makes you think you can find a younger guy to marry? As I said before, women will always believe what men say. That's why men will always lie to them.
And I I don't know what to do with that. I still haven't dipped my toe in that pool cuz it's concerning. Then you can date their dad and it's still age appropriate. And then you can date guys your age who either never had never been married, never had kids because they've been focused on their career. Or they've been married, had kids, but then you have to deal with opposite weekends, crazy ex-wives, crazy ex-baby mamas, trauma. Okay. So, she's a single mother herself and she wouldn't date a single dad because of exactly what I've been saying. Baggage, trauma, but somehow we're weak. We're insecure if we don't want to date a single mother. But she can have all the delusional standards that she wants because she's a woman and her [ __ ] is made out of gold. It's tough.
Genuine question to all the single moms out there. How are you affording life?
Honestly...
They're taking child support from the father. Ma'am, that's how...
Are you affording rent or mortgage repayments, food, then kids sports, school fees, life? Like I'm not even thinking about other things like clothes and all of that sort of stuff. Like how are we affording it? Because I don't think most people can survive off of one wage unless that wage is ginormous. When it comes to dating single parents, it's so tricky because you want to believe and trust that they don't want to get back with their ex for the family, you know? But at the same time, it's just like a lot of people, there's so many stories of people being with a single mom, being with a single dad, and then they get left because they're going back with their ex. And I'm...
You have to understand that you will always come after the baby daddy. They had a history together. She loved him. There is a big possibility even if they don't get back together that she will cheat sometimes with the baby daddy.
I'm just like, "Bro, how can you talk so much [ __ ] about your baby daddy, baby mama, and then go ahead and continue to go back to that relationship?" And then I dated this single dad and he would always be like, "I hate her. She did me so dirty. Like, I could never get back with her." Tell me why she pops up on my TikTok talking about like, "Me and my ex are thinking about getting back together." And I'm like, "Huh? I don't know. I just don't want to date."
Here's why single mothers end up in situationships even when they crave real connection. She's hungry for adult connection. Because being alone feels hard. After endless days of parenting, her emotional tank is empty.
And it's because usually they make poor choices. She made a poor choice while choosing the baby daddy. She will make probably the same poor choices with the next guys because she's attracted to toxic men even though she calls her ex toxic. So when a man gives her some attention, even a little, it's all too easy to get sucked in. He feels exciting. He brings that spark that she's been missing and suddenly that slither of free time that she had is taken up by a situationship that drains her more than fulfills her. She...
And after that situationship she will raise her standards even more because now all of a sudden she's smarter. She's 35, 40 and she's smarter and she knows how men are. Down the line there's going to be an expectation if you're in a relationship with a single mother. The single mother is going to expect the guy to provide not just for you but for the kid. And so that adds like sort of a double duty to provide for a child that's not yours. The issue with that though is there's all the responsibility but none of the corresponding authority. So she might expect you to provide but she might not allow you as the guy to have any authority over the child. To me, if you're going to be responsible providing for a child and you're going to step in as a stepfather, you aren't given authority over the kid like most single mom.
How can you be a leader if nobody wants to follow you? If the the kid can do whatever he wants, how can you be that the leader in that household? So, you're not the leader. You're just the provider. You're just the s. You're just the piggy bank. Moms are not going to like allow you to discipline their kid, but they will expect you to provide for their kid. So, it's all the responsibility with none of the authority. And actually, there are some single mothers who have an expectation that the guy start providing instantly. For example, you hear these stories of women wanting men to pay for the babysitter like on the first date.
I think one of the many reasons why it's so hard to date as a single mom. There are many reasons, but...
Yes, ma'am. One of the reasons is because you have a nose ring. I feel like some men can be quite intimidated by a woman that is doing it all herself. And I...
Ma'am, we're not intimidated by masculine women. We're repulsed by them. Ma'am.
I have help. I do. I have a a small but very consistent support system. But for the most part, I do a lot of this [ __ ] my own on my own, and it's exhausting, but I get it done. Um, I feel like some men are just intimidated by that. Um, some of the men that I've gone on dates with, which it has been a long time, but I feel like they want to be needed by me so badly. They want...
Every man wants to feel like he's needed. If you don't need a man, then why are you dating?
Want to be needed? And I I don't need them for for paying bills, for planning trips, for like I can do that if I want to. I want...
Yes, but you don't want to, ma'am. That's the problem. You want another guy in your life to share the burden because you said you're exhausted, but you also want the guy to know that he's not needed. So why would he want to be in a relationship with you? And you're a single mother.
I want somebody to emotionally connect with. I want somebody that can listen to me vent and not be defensive. I want somebody that...
Ma'am, if you want somebody to listen to you while you vent, get a girlfriend, not a man. That...
Is vulnerable. I want somebody that we can have a we can form a deep connection together. And...
Dating as a single parent is a really hard thing to do. You know, dating is hard anyway, right? But since the dating apps have like blown up and taken away, and what's happened is that things like ghosting have become really common, like just part of the course. And so, as hard as it is if you don't have any children, if I am going on a date, I have to contact my mom first to say, "Could you have him on the 15th or whatever?" And then if she can't, then I have to go back to the date and say, "Hey, could you do the 26th?" It's a lot. And then they...
Yeah. And you know what's crazy, guys? It's crazy that these women, the single mothers, aren't going online and warning younger women, "Don't become a single mother. Don't make a child with a guy if you're not 100% sure that you will be with that guy forever. Don't make the same mistakes as I did." No. You know what they do? They go online and they start bashing their ex and they start talking about dating and how [ __ ] dating is instead of warning younger women, "Don't become like me because it's hard."
[ __ ] you. And they don't then by that are they still even around four weeks or two weeks later when you finally got your six hours of child-free time. Men, especially high-value men and older men, are naturally looking for one thing in a partner. Couple things, less drama, less baggage, and less chaos. That's why so many of them hesitate with single moms and divorced women. It's not because they are bad people. So, stop twisting my words and getting emotional. Another thing guys that you have to consider, if she was married and now she's divorced, if you remarry her, the chances of you getting divorced now are 67%. So if you do some math and you're not stupid, you should never remarry if a woman has already been divorced. It's stupid. You have higher chances gambling.
It's because men are wired to ask themselves, "Will this woman bring me peace or will she bring me problems from her past?" See, men do audits in their head. They're checking boxes. Is she healed or is she still bitter? Has she built a new foundation for herself, or is she still living in her old story? Does she bring calm energy or is she constantly revisiting the wounds from her past relationship? The truth is that men, especially men with options, will always weigh the pros and the cons. And if they see baggage that isn't resolved, they usually walk away. But if they see strength, growth, and accountability, and peace, that is a massive green flag. So no, being divorced or a single mom doesn't disqualify you. But if you want a high-value man, yes, it disqualifies you. Only a stupid guy, only a simp that has a low IQ, only a guy like that will date or marry a divorced woman or a single mother because it's clear he doesn't understand all the problems that that comes with dating a single mother, that comes with marrying a divorced woman. You're stupid. Stop being a simp.
And you have to show him you've healed. You've built a new foundation for yourself and that bringing peace is more important to you than carrying old baggage into the relationship.
I think I'm gonna be single forever. Single moms, how do you do this? Like dating is already hard. Dating is difficult itself. And when you have kids, it's like impossible. Like how am I going to find a guy? Like it's not I'm not just thinking about myself now. I'm thinking about me and my kids to find a guy. Like, I've been thinking about like, "All right, like let's just open up to the dating wall, see what's going on." I don't know. Like, I don't know how to act. I don't know how to look for someone. Like, it was already difficult when I didn't have kids. Now, now I have to think of finding a man that is going to be a good man to my kids. That is going to be a good stepdaddy. That is...
So before that, she could date the toxic guy because she didn't care. Now all of a sudden she has standards. She wants the nice guy because she wants security. Thought...
He's going to be a good role model. Like how do girls manage that? I how do you get back to it? I haven't been in...
They don't, ma'am. They don't. Only a very small percentage of single mothers remarry and after remarrying also have a good uh marriage. Ma'am, they're also happy. A very, very small percentage. Ma'am.
Dating for more than three years. Like give me your tips. How did you find a man after you became a single mama? Because this mama here is so lost. Do I go on dating apps? Do I just go out? I mean, I haven't even been out in so long. I don't feel like it. Help a mother here. It's not only you guys that are wondering about my love life. With the holiday season coming up, I feel like I want to be in a relationship. I don't know what it is about the cold weather, but it just makes me. It's like relationship season. So, I've been just really down and out about dating. It's not been going very well lately. So, I decided to go on keen.com during Remy's nap today and I found a spiritual advisor that like specializes in love. Literally...
Spiritual advisor and they're giving dating advice on TikTok, guys. Can you understand how how stupid this sounds? She went to a spiritual advisor in order to find the man instead of trying to understand what men want and how men think and how she can become the woman that the guy she wants wants. No, no, no. Let me go to a spiritual, I don't even know, advisor or something like that. It's so stupid. I swear. Listen to me. Any guy that would date her, that would try to marry her just because she looks good to you, you are a very big s. I keep seeing Reels and being told that guys don't want nice girls and that you should be more spicy and not nice in order to attract and keep a man. By the way, guys, in case you don't know, she's the single mother with four kids from yesterday's video, and she just posted a new video. Ma'am, who told you that? Cuz I'm sure the Reels weren't made by men. It's women that fill other women's head with stupid [ __ ]. We want nice women. We want peace. A crazy or a spicy woman doesn't bring us peace. Yes, a spicy woman is good to smash, is good to sleep with. It doesn't mean that she will make a a good girlfriend or a good wife. Can you see how women keep other women single with their dating advice? It's so stupid. But if they watch one of my videos, they will just call me names and they will just say I'm a misogynist. We're just going to skip this video because it's very stupid.
Um, so today I came to a super harsh realization that I am not going to be able to date as a single mom. I'm not going to be able to date anybody with the state of how my life is right now. And that sucks big time. Like I don't have. It's not that I don't have the time to date anybody. I don't I don't have the time between my kids and my business and life. I don't have the time, but I don't have anything like I don't have anything left to give to anybody. And that's just not fair to them.
Okay, guys. Did you spot the red flags? Nose rings, tattoo, and the glasses. Why would you want to be with a woman like this? And she's a single mother. The the perfect combination, guys. It's not fair for somebody who's looking for a partner to be with somebody who only can take, take, take. Um, because that's all I could do right now is like that's all I could do is take from somebody because that's what I need. Like I need um a support system and I need somebody to pick the pieces up for me. And I don't think it's fair to ask for that if I can't if I can't do the same thing.
Good for her. At least she admits it.
As a single mother, I'm going to tell you something that you do not want to hear about dating. And it's really harsh, but it is a reality. When you are a single mother, even if you share custody, but like specifically if you're a single mother, like 100% full-time parent, it is going to be so easy for the men that you date to cheat on you. And the simple reasoning is this. You don't have time. Okay? So, you're constantly preoccupied. So, you're not worried about what's going on in their phone. You're not worried about where they are all day. You're not tracking their location because you got other [ __ ] to do. You have a literal human life that depends on you. And if you're a present parent like me, you have school functions, you have their extracurricular activities, everything else going on. So, you're not like in their business that...
Yeah, she's correct. So, why would you want to date a single mother? Because she doesn't have time for you. So, why would you want to do it? Oh, because you're a simp and you enjoy pain. Okay, I got it.
I may or may not be getting ready for a date. So, I figured now is as good time as ever to talk about the five qualities that I'm looking for in a man.
Another woman talking about her standards and what she's looking for in a man. And the funny part is, guys, that the baby daddy wasn't any of those things. He was toxic. He was like this. He was like that. He was like this. But now all of a sudden, because I'm a single mother, now I have standards. And I may be getting ready for this date four hours before the date because Remy's currently at her babysitter. Much rather get ready in peace. Dating struggles of a single mom. Number one, I may have learned the hard way. Really want to find a guy that is excited to have a family. They want to be a dad with or without me. Regardless if it's me, it's going to be someone. They just want to be a dad. They...
Yes, ma'am. But it's a big difference wanting your own kids and taking care of another man's kid. How do women not understand that?
You see that in their future? Important that they want to do it not only for you but also for themselves. I myself have wanted to become a mom literally since my teenage years. Number two, I need them to be a motivated person. I want someone who is motivated to become...
You know what that means guys? He has to have money.
Become a better person each and every day and also make me a better person. Just means that I don't want someone who's like complacent with being average. Number three, I want to date...
Ma'am, you're average. So, what's wrong with dating a guy that is average? Can you see guy? Even a single mother doesn't want an average guy. They don't even understand that just because she's a single mother, she's below average.
A a genuinely nice guy. Dated my fair share of dicks. My family will tell you someone who's...
Exactly what I said, guys. And I didn't see the video. So, her ex was toxic, was like this. She enjoyed the bad boys and now all of a sudden she's looking for the nice guy that can offer her stability. The piggy bank, the simp. But she wasn't looking for you, the nice guy, when she was in her 20s, when she was single, when she didn't have kids. She wasn't looking for you. She was looking for the bad boys, for the toxic guys. So why would you take her now? You must be, you must be stupid in the head. You must have a very low IQ when you hear a woman admitting to you that only now she's looking for you, for the kind of guy that you are. Before this, she didn't care about you. How stupid can you be?
Going to like hold the door for strangers, nice to waiters, and don't like talk down to other people. Just want people to say, "Oh my god, you're..."
To not talk down to other people, but she just said that she doesn't want an average man. So, aren't you talking down to the average guy?
You're dating so and so. He is such a great guy. I don't think I've had that for a very long time. I don't know if I'm crazy for this one. Want to date a guy that is positive but not too positive. There is nothing worse than having an absolute terrible day and you just want someone to agree with you that the day is [ __ ]. Feel like when you know why I'm shaking my head because I can't believe that she's a single mother. She has a child and she's so delusional. I can't understand how women become this delusional. For me, using logic, it doesn't compute. It doesn't. Anyway, guys, hope you enjoyed this video. Hope you learned something from this video and I'll see you on the next.