Transcription
You can call me a shitmaker. My job is to make things shitty. The official title is Enshittificator. What I do is I take things that are perfectly fine and I make them worse. More specifically, I make it shitty.
I come from a long line of people making things shitty. My father was an Enshittificator, his father before him and his father before him. So yeah, it's a proud tradition in our family. Making things shitty.
But it is hard work. And it's not very cost efficient to do it like this. I can only be in so many places at one time. So I needed a way to scale up the business, without working myself to death. And just when I needed it, the solution lands right in my lap. Enter the internet.
All of a sudden I didn't have to move around to make things shitty. I could just sit in one place and make things shitty for way more people at the same time. And that’s when things really started to move.
Got a favorite website? Let's fill it with pop ups. Preferably scam. Enjoying a video? Uupsi! Ad break! Oh, you bought an expensive phone? Great! Here’s an update to make it shitty. Let's say you have a thousand pictures of your deceased mother. Oh, so sad. What do I do? I make you pay for it. The memories may be yours, but the photos, they're mine.
So it’s very important, it needs to be nice at first. But then... Yes. Oh, yes. What do you say? Okay! That's what I'm talking about! You're not happy with the way something you really liked turned shitty. What do you do? Contact customer service. Here, talk to a completely useless chatbot. No human available.
Here’s my favourite part: Let's say someone starts an alternative service. What do we do? We buy them. Make people dependent enough, and then... MAKE IT SHITTY!
You. Sell me a car. Well, it's great and ehm.. Sold! I’ll buy your car. Now what? I don't have any more money. You have me in the palm of your hand. You can crush me. So what do you do? Updates. Radio. Premium feature. Heating? Premium feature. Now I have a shitty car and I can't afford a new one. But what I can afford is a small monthly payment. MAKE IT SHITTY!
The future? The future's looking bright. Braking is now a premium feature. Please enter your credit card details.