Transcription
If you keep self-sabotaging every time things go well. If you can't let people see the real you because you're afraid that they won't stay. If you've done all the healing but still feel stuck in the same cycles. You're not broken. You're just battling your shadow.
Here's the truth. The version of you who procrastinates, who people pleases, who avoids, who overreacts, chases validation, gets defensive, picks, fights, or numbs out, she didn't come out of nowhere. She's a collection of everything that you had to become to feel safe in a world that didn't feel safe. That is your shadow. and ignoring her is what's keeping you stuck.
I know shadow work can sound abstract and confusing. Honestly, it confused me for years. And that's why in this video, I'm going to break it down in a way that makes sense. You'll understand exactly what your shadow is, how to spot her when she's running the show, and lastly, most importantly, the four simple steps to start healing this.
Because here's what I've learned. Your shadow only has its power when it stays hidden. The moment you bring it into the light, it loses control over you. Carl Young said it best. until you make the unconscious conscious. It'll direct your life and you will call it fate. So maybe it's time to turn around, face the dark, and bring your shadows into the light.
Hey friend, welcome back. If you're new here, my name is Jills and I help women step into their power, tap into their divine feminine, and become their best self, live their best life. So if that's something you want to do, you should subscribe and stick around.
Now, real quick before we dive in, I created a shadow work journaling workbook that goes perfectly with this video and this topic. It has guided questions in there to help you uncover your specific shadows. And the questions are so good. They are so powerful. Your shadows will become glaringly obvious. Plus, there's a section in there that has personalized prompts based on your specific astrology, which is just like a fun little helpful tidbit, and I'll talk about that later on in this video, but the link for that is down below if you want to check it out. And it's definitely one of my favorite workbooks that I've ever made.
So, let's talk about the words shadow and shadow work because these get thrown around a lot in the spiritual and self-help world, but honestly, it's like what do these even mean? To me, it feels really vague and unclear. So, when people hear the word shadow, sometimes they think of some dark, sinister part of themselves that they have to fight or fix, but that's not what this is. Your shadow is not evil. It's not some monster inside of you. It's your wound. It's the part of you that you learn to hide. Your shadow is not something to shame. It's actually your road map to freedom and power.
So, let me break down what shadow work actually means because once you understand it, then everything will start to make sense. So, let's get into the big question. What even is the shadow? This concept originally came from Carl Young, the Swiss psychologist, who basically gave us the blueprint for understanding the unconscious mind. So, your shadow is the wounded parts of you and the parts of you that you have pushed down. They're the same thing.
Okay, here's what I mean. When something hurt you, maybe your creativity was laughed at, your sensitivity was called too much, or maybe your needs were ignored, that created a wound, but you didn't just carry that wound around openly. You learned to hide that part of yourself to stay safe. So, when your creativity got wounded, you pushed your creative self down. When your sensitivity got shamed, you hid your emotional side. When your needs were dismissed, you became hyperindependent. When your body was criticized, you started hiding behind baggy clothes. The wounded part and the hidden part tend to be the exact same thing. That's your shadow, not some separate dark entity that's haunting you from the inside. But the parts of you that got hurt, so you buried them for protection.
And here is why this matters so much. Okay? These wounded parts of you, they don't just disappear. They're still running your life from the shadows, keeping you small, sabotaging your relationships, blocking your success, keeping you broke, making you settle for less, causing self-doubt, preventing you from speaking up, keeping you stuck, making you play it safe. You can't step into your full power when half of you is hiding, and you can't manifest the life you want when your wounded parts are still calling the shots.
Your shadow isn't just your bad habits and your toxic traits. It's your unmet needs, your suppressed desires, and sometimes even your hidden power. So if people pleasing, for example, is your toxic trait, the people pleasing is not your shadow. The wounded part of you that's afraid of rejection is the shadow. And peopleleasing is the behavior you use to protect yourself. And that peopleleasing is what keeps you small.
Your shadow is not a flaw. It's not toxic. It's not some dark evil part of you. It's simply the parts of you that got hurt and had to go into hiding to feel safe. But when you ignore those parts, they don't just disappear. Like Carl Young said, they'll secretly run your life and you will call it fate.
So, how do you figure out what your shadow actually is? Let me tell you a simple exercise that cuts right to the core. My friend told me this one and it is so powerful. So, imagine you're just chilling at home, maybe watching a movie, you're taking a nap, and your phone rings and it's your best friend calling you. And so, you pick up and you're like, "Hey, what's up?" And they're practically screaming through the phone, "OMG, have you seen what people are saying about you?" What's the first thing that pops into your head? What was your first immediate fear? What happened in the rest of that story? What did you assume that they were saying about you? That assumption, that fear that's pointing directly to your shadow.
Let me walk you through my own personal example because in my opinion, this is easier to understand when you actually hear like a real life example. And I'm going to use this example to help explain some of my points throughout this video. So, it all makes sense. For me, when I did this exercise, what used to immediately come up for me, and what I used to immediately be afraid of was I'm wrong, that I did something stupid, that I said something stupid, that I don't know what I'm talking about, that everyone is pointing out and realizing that I have no idea what I'm doing or that I did something totally wrong or that I'm stupid. That was my fear, that I'm wrong.
Now, when I trace this back, though, it makes perfect sense. Growing up, I kind of struggled in school a little bit. I mean, it was hard because I was in like the advanced classes, but I still always struggled in those classes. I felt like I was constantly behind and I was always the youngest in my class. I was always the youngest of my friends. I was the youngest in my family. I always felt behind and like I was playing catch-up. I have so many awkward, painful memories of me being surprise called on in class and I didn't know the answer, you know, internally panicking and then I'd give my best answer and it was wrong and then everyone would be staring at me or trying to do homework with a parent at the dinner table and then when I didn't know the answer, they would get frustrated at me or sometimes snap at me. I was always afraid to speak up in class, in life, with my family, with my friends because I never fully felt like I knew what I was doing and I thought whatever I said would be wrong. And the thing is is that I often was wrong. And instead of that just being normal kid stuff, I was shamed for it. Or at least I felt that way.
Because of these experiences, I became afraid of speaking up and using my voice and sharing my opinion. And I was afraid of being wrong. I felt stupid. So what happened? I learned to hide my thoughts, my opinions, my natural curiosity. I was scared to use my voice. I was scared to share my opinion. I was scared to speak with confidence. That's what got wounded. My voice, my confidence, my intellectual curiosity. And because that got wounded, I learned to hide those parts of me to stay safe. And that's how that shadow self was born. Again, the wounded parts and the hidden parts of you are the exact same thing. They are interrelated. And so that's exactly what I mean when I say that your shadow is your wound and the parts of you that you have doled down and learned to hide.
And here's the thing, that wounded part of me didn't just disappear when I became an adult. Even when I first started making YouTube videos, that old fear would get triggered. Sometimes I'd post something and immediately think like, "Oh, well, what if I'm wrong? What if what I'm saying is stupid?" And the entire internet is going to be like, "Uh, what?" But now that I've healed this shadow part of me, I no longer feel like I need to hide those parts of myself, and I no longer feel like I need to hide my voice or even that I need to be right all the time.
Now, if you are into astrology like me and you want to go a little bit deeper into understanding your specific shadow based off of your specific natal chart, there is something in your chart called Chiron. And it's honestly like having a GPS for your core wound, at least according to astrology. So, Chiron is the part of your birth chart that apparently points to your main wound, usually from early life or even from ancestral or karmic patterns. So, this wound can manifest as insecurity or shame or inadequacy in a specific area of your life based on the sign in the house it's in. Think of Chiron as just another way to understand your deepest emotional patterns. It's like a mirror that supposedly reflects your most tender wound. And it'll keep showing up again and again until you're ready to heal it. And when you understand your Chiron placement, so much will start to make sense. You realize why certain things trigger you so deeply or why you react the way you do or why some situations just feel more difficult than you think they should.
So, let me give you some quick examples. If you have Chiron in Leo like me, then you probably have or had a fear of being seen or really using your voice. You might feel like you're too much or you have to tone yourself down. But that's exactly where your gift is. Reclaiming your creative power and learning how to take up space unapologetically. If you have Chiron in Virgo, you've probably struggled with perfectionism or feeling like you're never enough. But your healing is found in realizing that you are human and knowing that being whole doesn't mean being flawless. If you have Chiron in Libra, there's often a deep pattern of peopleleasing or losing yourself in relationships. And your medicine specifically for you is choosing connection without abandoning yourself. Your Chiron wound isn't your weakness. It's kind of more as like a compass for like your healing and stepping into your fullness. It's probably what you're here to work through and understand. And embodying this will help you step into your full power and usually help you fully tap into your gifts.
And in my shadow workbook, I walk you through exactly how to find your Chiron placement. And I have specific journaling questions just for you based off of your particular wound. So the first part of the workbook just has general shadow work journaling questions for everyone that are relevant to everyone and so you can start identifying them and healing them. And then the second part of that workbook, you get personalized questions based on your specific Chiron sign that hit right at your core patterns. Again, the link for that is down below if you want to grab it. But Chiron in your birth chart is just like one little tool. If you're not into astrology or don't want to do that, that's totally okay. It's just like a little fun, helpful tidbit that I really find interesting. It's just a fun little extra to help guide you.
Now, let's clear something up really quick because I see sometimes people getting the shadow work part of it totally wrong. Shadow work is not about dissecting every flaw, every mistake, and calling it healing. It's not about turning your pain into a five-step productivity hack so you can hustle better and finally be worthy. Here's what shadow work actually is. It's learning how to be with the parts of yourself that you've been running from. It's understanding why you react the way that you do so you can choose differently. It's reclaiming the parts of yourself that got buried. It's not about becoming someone else. It's about stopping the exhausting job of pretending to be someone you're not and hiding certain parts of yourself so you can finally step into your full power as a human being.
So, now that you understand what your shadow is, or hopefully at least a better idea and like what all of this work is about, I'm going to break down a simple four-step process for identifying and healing these patterns. And you don't need to be perfect at this, okay? You just need to be open and willing to try.
So, step one is to track your triggers. So, what actually sends you spiraling? Not what you think should trigger you, but the small sneaky things that actually flip your nervous system and send it into fight or flight or make you freeze or panic or somehow switch something in you. Like that moment when someone doesn't text you back fast enough and you feel anxious. That glance that someone gives you that makes you feel judged and all of a sudden you can't relax. That scroll on Instagram where suddenly everyone seems prettier, more successful, or more together than you. It doesn't have to be dramatic, and in fact, it usually isn't. Your shadow gets activated in these tiny everyday moments when something old and wounded gets touched. For me, it was anytime someone questioned something that I said. All of a sudden, I'd get all tense and anxious and worried for literally no reason. Even though I knew that I shouldn't be having that response, that disproportionate reaction in an everyday moment. That was my shadow getting triggered. That was my wound getting poked. So, step one is just start noticing these moments. Start noticing when you get tense. Start noticing when you get scared and want to hide. Start noticing when you pull back. Start noticing when you get angry. Those moments that feel way bigger than they should. That's your signal that your shadow just got activated.
Now, step two is to name the story. So, once you've noticed the trigger, the next step is to just slow down and ask yourself, what story just got activated in your head? Or a different question is, what does this feeling remind you of? Where have I felt this before? Not just the surface reaction, but the belief and the wounded feelings underneath it. What are you secretly telling yourself in that moment? What are you secretly feeling? So, back to my example. So, this makes sense. For me, when someone questioned something I said, the story that got activated was, I'm stupid. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm the one who doesn't know what's going on. I'm about to be exposed for being stupid and completely delusional. Everyone else knows what's going on. Everyone else has all the answers, but I don't. Okay, so your story might be totally different. Yours might be I'm too much or I'm not enough or I'm being dramatic or I shouldn't need this. Okay, so this is where you are starting to connect the dots. This is where you're starting to realize that these aren't just random thoughts. It's all tying back to something that happened earlier in your life. When someone laughed at your creativity, you learned this is dumb. I shouldn't be creative. It's not safe. I'm not a creative person. Or when your emotions were dismissed or, you know, your parents told you to stop crying or you were being too sensitive. Well, your brain said my emotions are a problem. I'm too dramatic. I need to be less emotional to be loved.
And here is the funny part though. Once you have that belief, once you have that wound, we will start acting in ways that prove that belief true and unconsciously accidentally keep poking that wound and making it deeper and deeper. For example, if you believe that you're unlovable, then often times you will avoid relationships. But because you avoid relationships and because you're always alone, you end up feeling more and more unlovable. digging that wound even deeper, right? That story and that belief gets stronger. So, step two is catching that story in the moment and asking yourself, where did I first feel this? What does this remind me of? When did I first learn that I was XYZ, you know, too much, not enough, stupid, whatever. For me, when I go back to my example, when I ask myself, when did I first feel this? You know, that I was always wrong. I immediately think of those moments struggling at the dinner table trying to do homework. that feeling of panic when I was called on and I didn't know the answer and then the teacher got mad at me or when I'd say something and my older brother just being a typical older brother would be like, "No, you're dumb." Right? That's when I first felt those feelings. That's when I first learned that belief. So even as an adult, when someone would question something that I was saying, even innocently, my brain would go right back to being that little girl who felt stupid and ashamed. And this is something that I want to point out. It doesn't have to be something that's traumatic, right? Like me getting called on in class and not knowing the answer. That's not like trauma. That's not some huge crazy trauma that happened in my life. Your shadow and your wounds don't have to come from trauma. They can be from these little innocence everyday moments.
So, here's the important part. When you can start to connect your current trigger back to where it all started, you start to see that it's just an old story and not necessarily the truth about who you are. And once you realize that it's not necessarily the truth, it's just a story, it starts to lose its grip over you. Because remember again, when you bring that wound and that shadow into the light, it loses its power. But when you keep it hidden and unconscious, it keeps secretly running the show. So just naming the story and making that connection is literally already half the work.
Now, step three, don't try to fix it. Okay, so this is the part where your brain is going to want to jump into problemsolving mode. You know, you've noticed the trigger, you've named the story, and now you're like, great, let's fix this. Let's solve this. Let's analyze this and make it go away. But here's the thing. You don't need to fix it. You don't need to talk yourself out of the feeling or immediately reframe it into something positive. Okay, let me explain. When I would feel that uh I'm wrong, I don't know what I'm talking about. You know, kind of panic or anxiety, my first instinct was naturally to defend myself or try to explain why I'm right or just completely shut down and never speak up again. But that just kept me stuck in the same old patterns. Instead, I just let the feeling be there. I'd acknowledge it. I'd say, "Oh, there's that old story again." But then I wouldn't let it control what I do next. You're not trying to make the feelings disappear. You're not trying to convince yourself that you feel awesome. You're just acknowledging it and saying, "That's nice, but you're not in charge here anymore."
Think of it like this. That feeling that you get is simply just information. It's telling you, "Hey, that old wound just got poked." And you don't have to do anything with that information except for notice it. Remember this wound coming up in you. It's not necessarily truth. It's just an old story. And when you remember it's just an old story and not necessarily truth. It becomes a lot easier to not react to it. You're still going to feel that discomfort when your wound gets poked cuz like ow that hurts. But then you get to choose. Do I want to keep living that old story or do I want to start rewriting a new one? It's just a story. You can choose a new one at any time. The healing doesn't come from fixing the feeling. It comes from allowing it to be there without making it mean that something is wrong with you.
Now, lastly, step four is integration through action. This is where you stop letting your behavior reinforce the old story and keep cutting even deeper into your wound. Remember how I said if you believe you're unlovable, you avoid relationships, which then in turn makes you feel even more unlovable. Okay, this step breaks that cycle. You heal through action. You take your power back through action. You say the thing that you would normally water down. You wear the outfit you told yourself was too much. You ask for the support. You usually pretend that you don't need. You take the nap. You take up space. You take the compliment. Whatever it is, whatever part of you that you hide because of your wound, you do.
For me, my old story being I'm wrong. I'm afraid to use my voice. Right? So, what did I naturally want to do? I stayed quiet. I didn't share my opinions. I played it safe. But every time I did that, I further reinforced that belief and further dig deeper into that wound. Right? I reinforced that belief and that story that I couldn't trust my own voice. So in order to break that and to take away the power that shadow part had over me, I had to start acting differently. The true real healing happened when I started taking action, aka speaking up, sharing my thoughts, speaking with confidence, even if I wasn't really confident, speaking up at a work meeting, right? Chiming in with an opinion. I started a blog and then I started a YouTube channel. That wound was still there when I was getting started on the internet. I just told myself that it was an old story, not necessarily truth. and then I showed up and did it anyway. Was it uncomfortable at first? Yes. Did it feel safe? No. But every time I took action and stopped hiding those parts of me, I was breaking the pattern. I was breaking that connection that was formed earlier on in life.
A lot of times we like to over complicate healing. Right? We make shadow work feel all woowoo and mystical and confusing and abstract when really it's not. You bring back the hidden parts of yourself by being them. If you hid your creativity, start creating. If you hid your voice, start speaking up. If you hid your needs, start asking for help. If you hid your sensuality, start dancing in your bedroom. It's not that complex. You notice the wound and your trigger, and you say, "Huh, where did this first come from? When did I first feel this feeling?" And then you figure out that old story that it connects back to. And then once you make that connection, once you realize it's just an old story and not necessarily truth, you take action repeatedly even when it feels uncomfy until eventually your nervous system catches up. You know, until eventually your nervous system says, "Oh, we're safe to be ourselves." Now, this is how you rewrite that story and heal that shadow. Not just through awareness, but also through action.
Now, here's the thing. Knowing this information is helpful, yes, but the real transformation happens when you actually do the work. That is why I created my shadow work workbook. It walks you through everything that I just talked about with specific guided questions to help you uncover your specific shadows. Plus, you'll learn how to find your Chiron placement and get personalized specific journaling prompts for your exact wound based off of your astrological chart. The link is down below if you want to check that out.
And here's what I want you to remember. Until you face what is hiding in the dark, it'll keep secretly running the show. Shadow work isn't about fixing or picking yourself apart. It's about remembering who you were before you started hiding in the first place. I really, really hope you got value from this video. I always felt like this topic of shadow work always felt like unnecessarily mystical and complex and confusing for no reason. And I hope that this made it feel much more practical and doable. And if you stayed until the very end of this video, I appreciate you. But if you stayed until the very end, leave your favorite black emoji in the comments below so I know. Thank you so much for watching. Check out the shadow work workbook linked below. That's hard to say. And also maybe go watch this video because for some reason YouTube says that you are going to like it. So uh that's it for now. I'll see you next time. Bye.