Transcription
[Music] [Music]
She emerged from within me like a goddess from water. She filled her lungs with new air with a sigh that meant everything: relief, rebirth, release. She took in the world around her with an understanding of its fragility and strength. She let the waters of her past run down her face. She took on a new name. She took on a new way. She became whole. She lives in me. She saved me. She is me. Come.
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Hello, gorgeous goddesses of the Fatal program. So, there have been a lot of moving parts recently. We have talked about the baby goddess. We dropped that extra module. I also dropped for you the Ice Queen module. I don't know if you've had a chance to watch that yet. Nicole has been delivering some of the most incredible healing sessions. And so, what the conversation is about today, and what I really want us to kind of where I want us to land today, is the realization that a lot of times when we are attempting to become this emotionally capable, emotionally strong person, we will attach still to these childlike needs, childlike desires, childlike reactions. Not because there's something wrong, and not because there's something in the way necessarily, but simply just because we haven't taken ourselves through the full process of evolution of becoming a woman.
And so, when you look at a little newborn baby, if you don't give them food when they need food, they will cry. And they will cry in a very stressed, freaking out way until you feed them because it's like, "Something is wrong, and I don't know how to communicate with you. Something is wrong, so I've got to cry really loud." As the child grows up a little bit, you would expect that they would use their words. Or you, you'd be able to communicate, "Hey, hey, hey, tell me what you want." And that progression happens through trial and error. It happens through feeling safe. The child feeling safe to say, "Oh, if I didn't scream and I just said, 'I'm hungry,' I would still get the same food to me. I don't need to scream." It comes from the realizing, "I'm okay. And if I'm not, if I'm hungry, it doesn't mean I'm going to die. It means I need to ask for food, and food will come." Like, there's a lot of internal stuff that needs to happen for the emotional capacity to not freak out to become the way of being.
And so, children are raised. They're raised to not freak out, to use their words, to ask for what, what they want, to ask for what they need. But they're also raised to understand that they won't always get what they want. Because if the thing they want is cookies for breakfast or candy for lunch, even though they want it and they've asked for it with their big girl words, the answer will still be no. And then they've got to learn to handle no, which is also a whole process. Because at first, no has a very similar reaction to starvation and being left alone in the dark when you're awake and your parents aren't there. Like, it's the same screaming, it's the same freak out because it feels like I'm in danger. It feels like I'm not getting what I want.
Now, as children, we're taught this. We're raised this way. And our parents have a certain degree of patience with us. And so, some people's parents told them nicely and said, "Hey, look at Mommy, use your words." And some people said, "Some people got, 'Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about.'" It depends where the emotional capacity of the parent was in raising the child. But the goal across it all was to get the child to be able to no longer freak out, panic, scream, yell, and rather be able to use their words, not freak out, not cry or scream or yell, be polite. Like, that was the outcome.
Now, as we have a second wave of growth into womanhood, we have very similar feelings that cause chaos in our body, but for very different things. Now, it's not about candy for breakfast. It's about the person you're in love with not loving you back. It's not about you're not allowed to have chocolate cake for lunch. It's about your best friend misunderstood you and is believing a lie about you, and you feel trapped inside because it's not real what she's believing, and it feels like you need, you want to explode. It's so not true. It's no longer about "no." It's 7 o'clock, it's time for bed. It doesn't matter that you're in the middle of your show. It's being fired from a job when you know you're not the one in the wrong. It's someone else in your industry being picked above you for something when you don't think they have great ethics, or you think you deserve it more.
All of a sudden, all of these feelings that we had dealt with at a more visceral level are coming back full force, and we don't know how to handle them. They show up in relationships, in friendships. They show up in work and business, with money, in the things that we want. Like, "How come she gets to go on a trip and I can't? How come I struggle with this and she doesn't? It's not fair." All those feelings come back. Except this time, there's no parent. And so, our emotional regulation, the way we handle ourselves, everything, it's fully our job. And it's not about, "I'm good at this or I'm not good at this" in the same way. It's not about a newborn being good at being calm or not. It's about training for a different outcome, raising yourself into a different outcome.
And this is why I love the Fatal program so much because it really does feel like a rite of passage where, as grown women, we decide, like, "The goddess in me is raising the baby goddess in me that still needs growth in certain areas." I've shared this example in many different contexts, but I really see growth, especially for women, because it's so emotional. It feels like a spiral staircase in a glass tower. So, if you can have this visual, you're standing in a glass tower, a round tower, and there's a glass staircase going from the bottom all the way up. You're surrounded by the most intricate view. It's very clear what you're seeing. You're standing at the bottom of the staircase, and as you look in front of you, you see the view. It's all glass, so you see beautifully what you're going through or what your view is. You start walking up the spiral staircase, and as you're walking, you see different views. You're faced with different things, different challenges. It's difficult to go up the staircase. You learn as you go, and you eventually get to the second floor of this glass tower. And as you raise your eyes and you look up, you realize you're looking at the same view. What the heck? I've just gone up 15 stairs. I've gone through so many things. I've just seen so many things. I've been through. So how am I staring at the same view again?
And it's like, it's the same view, but it's the second floor. This is how our feelings feel right now. How am I back here? How am I again feeling this feeling of uncertainty, or this feeling of unsafety, or this feeling of fear, or this feeling of anger, or judgment, or jealousy? Like, how am I back here? I thought I'd done the work on this. Have you ever caught yourself saying, "I thought I had worked through this"? Yeah. So, yeah, you did work through it on the first floor. And then life brings you another set of journeys where you need to face the same feelings, but on a much more mature floor. Your problems are different. Your fears are different. The things that are on the line are different. Like, there's the same feelings, but it's not the same, but it feels like the same.
And so, it's so easy to beat ourselves up and to be like, "I'm not learning, I'm not growing." But the fact is, we've got to be able to keep growing up that spiral and be okay with getting to the next level, looking out in front of us and going, "Well, here we go again." Because that's really what it is. Emotional capacity is the ability to continue going up the spiral with the knowing that when you get to the next floor, you'll be staring at the same view. People just think, "Well, might as well not go up then if I'm going to feel the same." But it's like, who you become as you go up is your life.
If you were to decide, if you were to say to yourself, "Well, if being a grown-up is hard too, then why be a grown-up?" I thought when I was going to be grown-up, I was going to be allowed to do whatever I want. I thought I was going to be able to buy whatever I want, and eat whatever I want, and love whoever I want, and do. And if it's not going to be that, might as well be a kid forever. You'd be missing out on your whole life. And so, in saying like, so does, you know, the more you go into a relationship. Superficial dating is tough, but like, so is being in a committed relationship, and so is marriage, and so is being married for 20 years and having kids. And it's just a different part of the spiral. You go higher, and you're faced with those same things. Is it worth not going up the spiral? Oh, the spiral is your life. But your capacity stretches as you have the wisdom to understand that every time you're faced with the same view, it's the same view at another level, and that you have grown.
And I think for a lot of us, when we're done being parented, we stop understanding the concept of continued growth. And so, any kind of pain we're facing, we just push it. It's like, "I don't, I don't want to look immature. I don't want to look weak. I don't want to be negative. I don't want to dwell on the negative stuff." So we never process our feelings anymore. We never go through them anymore. And then this is where people get emotionally stumped, and they are emotionally stunted. And beyond that, relationships get increasingly harder, and life gets increasingly harder because the level of resistance to not keep going up the spiral.
So, a big part of what this program gets to do is it reopens your learning with yourself. It puts you in a perpetual state of, "You are the goddess, but you're also the baby goddess. You have all the wisdom of the universe, and you also have the reactive state of a two-year-old, all within the same beautiful human experience." And you have the capacity to raise yourself. And the greatest thing is, you have the capacity to raise yourself exactly the way you desire to be raised. If you prefer to kick in the pants, you can get the badass in to come in and raise you. If you preferred a soft hand holding and understanding, the goddess will come in and raise you. If you want a strong, powerful, balanced person, you get the boss to come in and raise you. And on different days, you might choose a different part of you to lead you, and that's perfect. But you got to know how to work them.
We got to let go of the resistance of thinking it's other people's job to make things right for us. And this takes a lot of maturity. The crazy thing is, we can see this so clearly when it's somebody else. So, when someone else is telling you that the reason they're having the worst day is because of the way you didn't answer the phone when they needed you, or was because when they asked you a question, you were a little short with them, or because you don't seem to care about them when they're the ones explaining to you that their life is a mess because of something you did. You're so clearly able to see that this doesn't make sense for a grown adult. You're like, "I cannot be responsible for the quality of your life. I love you. I'm so sorry I didn't pick up the phone, or I'm so sorry you felt I was not fully there and my answer, but like, you can't do this to yourself. And it's not fair on me. I have a whole life." Like, I didn't, I didn't sign up for this level of responsibility on your life.
It's so clear when you were in a romantic relationship and your partner's making you wrong for everything that's wrong in their relationship, that it doesn't work like that. It's so clear. Until you're the one in the emotional state. The minute we are the one in the emotional state, the thought that no one cares about us feels like a valid reason to not show up for anything anymore. The one friend that wasn't available twice when we called, that's a valid reason to never call again. The person who didn't have a full capacity to listen to what we were going through, that's a person we'll never open our heart up to again. And clearly, they're not the friend they said they would be. And it's so different when we're the one in emotional turmoil.
And the thing is, it takes two different parts of the brain to feel or to understand. They're two different things. So, a lot of the times when you're in your feeling, you're very low in your understanding. And when you're high in your understanding, you're pretty leveled with your feeling. And so, why it's so important to be able to navigate these identities, the feeling goddess, the matter-of-fact badass, and the balanced boss. The reason it's so important to have these is because different challenges in your life require you to be a different kind of person.
There will be times where meeting a person in pain with your goddess will be one of the most extraordinary bonding, loving, experiential things you could ever possibly do, especially for small children, or in the middle of heartbreak, or for your parent. Like, can you imagine if when you were at the peak of an emotional breakdown, your parent, your mom, for example, or your dad, was able to meet you in their full emotional state and share with you how heartbroken they were that you felt so sad, instead of being so level-headed in understanding, instead of feeling alone or like they didn't care? Then you'd be in the pool with them, and it would feel like all of a sudden you were met and understood. They're terrified of doing that because they don't have the emotional regulation to get themselves back to normal. If they go in the pool, they're afraid they'll go in and they'll never come out. People are scared to go into their emotions if they don't have to. If they have the capacity to stay out of the emotion, they'll choose to stay out. Only when they're in and there's no choice will they be like, "Well, I'm swimming in it," and then will they wish someone else would jump in with them so they don't feel so alone.
So, the journey through the Fatal program is to be able to have a clearer understanding, not just of the goddess and the fact that she exists, and the fact that you're an emotional being, and the fact that you need to process your emotions, but also the understanding of how to utilize this piece of you, this really real emotional part of you, in your real life with other people. And so, one of the things that becomes very difficult for us when we're in the emotional state, usually of the baby goddess, is that we know we don't feel right, but we don't know what we want.
So, if you can go back in your recollections and you can try to pull back a memory where you may have fought with a partner or a friend, and if they would have said to you in that moment, "What do you want? What do you need from me right now?" that you would have actually been not only unable to tell them, but emotional about the fact that they would make that your responsibility in the moment. Like, "If you don't know what I need, then you clearly don't love me." Or, "I don't know, because if I tell you what I need and you only do it because I told you, I don't know that I will feel like you love me anyway, so I don't want to tell you." Like, all these emotional things happen. When we're emotional, we make sense of things that don't really make sense, but they make sense emotionally.
And so, what I've found, and I've helped so many people through conflicts in their lives. Conflict resolution was a huge piece of my business for a very long time. I did a lot of mediation, a lot of couples coaching. And a big thing that comes out when people are emotional is that they cannot express what they want. And it's not that they can't express it because they're too emotional. It's because they can't express it because they don't know. All they feel is the baby goddess feelings, which is, "It's not fair. I want you to feel as bad as I feel. You break my doll, I break your doll, we're even. I want to punish you because that's the only way I've ever felt resolution. I need you to grovel for an apology because I expect your apology to make me feel better." Instead of, "I forgive you, and then I process my emotions." And that's the extent of where we are in conflict. Punishment, needing a person to be so sorry that it can somehow fix your anger, or being getting even.
So, you can't tell a person what you want. Because can you imagine being in a fight and it's like, "Well, what do you want from me?" And it's like, "I want you to hurt." That's not going to sound too good. You can't say that. You just need to somehow inflict that and then be like, "Can't say it." You can't say, "I want to break something of yours the way you've broken something of mine." It's like saying it doesn't, it doesn't do the same thing. You have to do it. So that doesn't work. No communication is going to work there.
So, why communication is so important is because it's actually a way to send the signal back to your own nervous system first. When you realize, "I'm in conflict and I need to be able to have a conversation right now," it's the same kind of nervous system growth that you're telling a small child. When you are freaking out, you've got to use your words. For months, they've been used to just going, "If there's no milk, or if they're cold, like, I scream, you figure it out." And then there comes a time where the language barrier starts to come down, and it's like, "You have got to tell me with your words, like a big girl, what you want." "I'm hungry." "Okay, perfect. Just you say that. You say, 'Mommy, I'm hungry.' 'Mommy, I'm hungry.'" Okay, good. How long does, how many times do you have to go through that with the child? Many times. It's not just like, "Remember what I told you last time? Don't you listen?" It's not about the listening, it's about the reprogramming the instinct to freak out. You need to reprogram your instinct to freak out as many times as your nervous system needs you to do it.
So, there is no judgment of, "I'm not good at this and I can't do it and I've tried for years." I guarantee you haven't done it with the vision of, "I'm raising myself." You've done it like, every time you did it and it didn't work, that there's something wrong with you. That would be a very different kind of parenting if every time the small child screamed, you said, "What's the matter with you? I need to, I don't know what's wrong with you. I've told you twice now. She's one and a half years old. I've told you twice how to behave, and you're still behaving the same way. What's wrong with you?" It's like, we need to train, we need to change, we need to grow, we need to adapt, we need to retrain the nervous system entirely. And you're going to have to do that with yourself.
And so, communication about our feelings is not something we tend to be good at as adults. I, I really believe if there were stronger rites of passage, we would be able to do this. But we are basically just trained to freak out in whatever way we freak out, whether it is hanging up the phone on a person while they're talking and not talking to them anymore, whether it's walking away in the middle of a conversation, whether it's saying something really hurtful like, "You know what? I don't think I even want to be friends with you anymore," and walking away. It's about punishing, silent treatment, whatever we found, except for actually having a conversation. And it's not because they're something like, we're mean people. It's that we fundamentally haven't found a way to reconnect back to the central nervous system.
So, if you can imagine, the only way I can have a real, powerful conversation with you is if I know what I want to say to you. Can we agree on that? The only way I can actually have a powerful discussion with you is if I know what I want to say. So, if I never allow myself the time and space to think about what I want to say, how am I ever going to get there? And that's the part we don't do. Because this is the part where the mom would tell the kid, "Use your words, tell me what you want." This is where the goddess has to like, break communication with baby goddess that's having a nervous breakdown, a tantrum, a freak out, and say, "Hey, we're okay. What do you want? Tell me what you want. I'll help you tell them. Use your words."
So, I'm going to teach you today what Alpha communication is. This, for me, has been a game-changer in every single aspect of my life, in business, in leadership, but also in my romantic relationship, in my friendships, with my family. Like, you name it, there is not one place on Earth that this communication method has not served me. And what's so powerful about it is that what makes it so incredible is not even how effective it is, because it is so effective, but it's also that when I have completely processed an Alpha communication in my system properly, I am usually completely reconnected to my power. If it's almost impossible for me to actually direct myself through an Alpha communication that I know I'm nailing and be off the charts emotionally. The process of actually taking myself through it is the same feeling as a little child who gets their mom to say, "Okay, look at Mommy. I'm here. It's okay. Tell me, tell me with your words what you want." It's that same feeling that you do to yourself.
So, the first thing that's so important here, and I know people that have done Fatal with me before commenting about this part, like, this is this is the part. So, this is the first thing. Alpha communication is something that you do in the order of the acronym Alpha. So, A L P H A. Every letter stands for something. So, A means acknowledge the good. L means long-term vision. P means the problem. H means happiness for both. And A means ask for what you want.
Now, the hardest thing, possibly, possibly in the world, is to do an Alpha communication when you're emotional. It's like, it doesn't work. You'll try to acknowledge the good in someone while you actually want to have the biggest fight in the world, and you will find the most superficial, not real thing you like about them. Like, "I used to really like you." Like, there is no acknowledging the good available when you're in a triggered state. So, what I found is that the gateway to being able to offer an Alpha communication is to actually reverse engineer the Alpha communication. Because as you go backwards in building it, you are putting down your freak out one step at a time.
So, the first step of it is the A, which is acknowledge, which is ask for what you want. The last A, which is the first A when you are reverse engineering. So, by the end of your Alpha communication, when you've nailed it, the last thing you're going to say to the person you're in conflict with is, you're going to say to them, "What you want." That's the last thing you're going to say. But the fact is, you cannot even start to have an Alpha communication if you don't know what that thing is. So, I have realized that if you start with the end for yourself, like, you don't, you don't do the Alpha communication out of your mouth first, you do the Alpha communication in your nervous system first. It actually helps to start with the end.
So, the first thing you would ask yourself is, "What do I even want?" Now, this is so important because it will change the communication. Let's say I want my best friend to let, to let me in on more of her life stuff. Like, I want to be a part of her life. I want that. But I don't, I don't think of that. I'm so caught up in the problem that I'm not even thinking about what I want. I will most likely say something to her like, "You never tell me anything that matters to you," or "I'm always the last to know." Which sounds like she's doing things wrong and she's a problem, and we're probably going to fight. But if I acknowledge what I want, like, "What do I want?" I'm actually speaking to the part of me where I'm going to figure out why I'm actually upset, and I need this for the Alpha communication to land.
So, if I said to my friend, "What, what I would really want is that we are more open with each other and that you share things with me about your life." That's going to sound very different than, "You always, you never." "I just want." I realize what I want. If I want more romance, more quality time with my partner, but I don't think about that. Like, "Why am I so upset? Why am I so upset right now? Am I so mad that their friend came over on a Saturday night, or that at the last minute they took on an extra job on my day off? Or why am I so angry about that? Why am I so off the charts emotional?" Is because all I'm thinking about is the problem. The problem being, "You don't care about me. You never put me first. You would prefer to work than to spend time with me on my day off. You would rather be with your friends than with me. We could have had alone time, but you invited your friend." Like, the problem clouds the maturity because the problem is a problem, but it only really feels like a problem because you're not getting what you want. And it's the thing that you're not getting that's what you want that makes you react like baby goddess, like the little kid that wants to have chocolate for breakfast, is freaking out not because there's actually a problem, but because they're not getting what they want. And we do this. We freak out not because there's an actual problem, but because we're not getting what we want. And that feels like a problem. We need to be able to communicate that for it to land with the people that we're speaking to.
If your employees are, you know, not organized in advance, and it feels like you're constantly having to remind them of things you've told them before, and all that you want is that they take the information that you tell them seriously, that they write it down, that they make a note, that you don't need to repeat yourself, you want to be able to be streamlined in your business, you want to be able to trust your employees. That sounds so different than, "You never listen to a word I say. I'm constantly repeating myself. Do you even care about this job in the first place? We have a massive problem because at this point, I don't know if I'm even paying you properly. I don't know if you're even showing up properly." The things we say when we're just in reaction to our feelings sometimes have nothing to do with what we want. So, there's no resolution available.
And this is where long conversations and arguments and misunderstandings happen because you'll say to your employee, "I feel like you don't care about this job." And the first thing they'll think about is the extra hours they've worked. The first thing they'll think about is the family vacation they didn't take, and the event they didn't get to go to because they had to be at work, or that extra shift they've covered. They'll think immediately of all the things they've done out of care for your business. And you dare tell them you think they don't care about their job. This is like, "Five, four, three, two, one, explosion! Someone's gonna freak out. What do you mean? You're so ungrateful. I quit." Like, instead of, we're going towards a resolution, it's, we're misunderstanding each other to a point of then we are just so not on the same page, and I don't think that we can, that there's even a point. And so, relationships blow up, partnerships blow up, jobs blow up. And the only reason this happens is because we don't know what we want, and we're so caught up with a problem that we don't know what we want.
Now, the crazy thing is, and this has happened to me so many times, I've been so mad about something, and then I sit with myself and I go through this process and I ask myself, "What do I want?" And when I realize what I want, I feel so silly for being so mad that I realize I don't even need to have an Alpha communication. It's literally like, "What do I want? I want more attention. I want you to love me." This happens. There's nothing wrong. I'm in my feelings. I'm about to have my period. I'm emotionally exhausted. I want. So, what I really want, I think I need a nap. I think I need a nap. Like, you will sometimes be so riled up with your feelings, and when you sit and have the whole, "Tell me what you want. It's okay. We're okay. What do you want?" You realize, "Oh, I am just not okay right now. Like, I need a nap. I need a snack. I'm exhausted. I just want a hug. Like, I am just overstimulated. There's nothing wrong."
And the wildest thing in this is that we all have the capacity to have that moment multiple times a week, if I'm being very honest. But because we never even take the time to ask ourselves what we want, we only think there's a problem. And because we can't possibly be the problem, because we're good people, it's always someone else's fault. So, someone else is making you have a problem. And so, who we are in our life when someone else is making us have a problem is very different than who we are when we're totally self-aware that we need a nap. That is two different versions of you. And the people around you get a very different version of you when it feels like, "Just like this might be their fault that you're going through something," and they're walking on eggshells all the time, versus they know that you know how to self-regulate, that you know how to take care of yourself, that you can take responsibility for your feelings, and if there is something wrong, you're going to tell them, you're going to tell them in a very mature way, and they'll know exactly what to do to make it right. Those are two very different relationships to be in.
So, you want to ask yourself, "What do I want?" And you want to also take some time with that answer. Because it will sometimes happen that your first reaction to yourself in the quietness of your own home, when no one's watching, is to say, "I want them to pay for what they did. I want, I want to be vindicated. I want, I want fairness. I want equality. This is not fair. They should not be left off the hook. I want them to pay." Like, when you are alone in the ness of your own mind, you might realize that the thing that you want is an unhealthy thing that you want. And that if you were in your most calm, powerful womanhood self, with God being a fly on the wall, that's not what you would want. What you would want is for the anger to leave your body. What you would want is to not feel so angry. What you would want is to be able to forgive. What you would want is for your to be able to express what you need for them to understand, understand your perspective. What you would want is to have the strength to leave. What you would want is to be able to, you name it. But it would not just be, "I want them to hurt." That is baby goddess. The actual mature goddess in you does not want anyone to suffer, including you. The baby goddess says, "If I'm suffering, someone else is coming with me. I'm taking somebody down. If I go down, you go down. Take you down with me, or else." It's not there. But the goddess doesn't have that. She doesn't want anybody to hurt, including herself.
So, "What do I want?" is like, "What would give me peace in my soul again? What would give me, what would make me put down this anger?" And so, it could take you some time to figure out what you want. Because the thing is, if they're not mad and you're mad, there's only two ways for things to be fair: either they're mad too, or you're not mad. Either, we never think about the second one when we're, when we're in emotional turmoil. The thought that we could also not be mad, the fact that we could also be free, doesn't feel as satisfying as the fact that they would just also be mad or upset or whatever it is. So, we do want to process those feelings.
And so, when you find yourself really triggered to the point where you would want someone else to pay, you're in one of those stages where forgiveness is necessary. And not forgiveness because they deserve it. The whole module on forgiveness. Forgiveness because you have now put yourself in a state where you're wishing harm to a person just to get this feeling out of your body. It is time to tap. It is time for breathwork. It's time for a portal drop. It's time for forgiveness. So, can you see how we've not even started talking to a person yet? We're just at step one: "What do you want?" And already all the revolutions of the world have started coming through. Either, "All I want is to take care of myself, and I'm lacking fundamental things. I need a nap. I need a drink. I need a snack. I need a poop." Like, there are things that babies need that you would immediately think, "Oh, this is what's wrong." And then by the time you're grown up, you forget that's my maybe what you need. That is most likely what you need. "I haven't slept properly in three nights. I've changed my diet and I haven't been to the bathroom in two days. I wonder why I'm so mad. It's probably because my husband's a jerk. I should go tell him that." How about we do an Alpha communication?
And so, I actually really suggest, even before you go into the deep trauma regulation, like, "What do I need? I need to feel held. I need to be heard." Before you even do that, go through the human basics, the way you would with a little kid. You check the diaper. How long ago did you eat? You're due for a nap. Check the basics with yourself as a grown adult. It will blow your mind how often you're like, "I haven't had a drink of water since I woke up. It's 2:00 in the afternoon. All I've had is coffee. I need to sit down and have a drink of water. I have not breathed all day. I went from being stressed to put the kids in the car, to stressed to getting through the traffic jam, to stressed to getting to the job, and I got intercepted by my boss, and then I, and now I'm just like this." It's like, "Can I just breathe?" You would be able to tell this child is overstimulated. We've had a, we've done a lot of stressful activities today. They've been running around all day. They're probably overstimulated. What about us? This child's exhausted. He's going to be all emotional. I know he, he didn't get his nap today. He is exhausted. She is exhausted. And then when it's us, all that goes out the window.
So, right here, right even at the beginning, you're going to find all the tools are going to be helpful. Usually, you should get yourself to a place where what you want is something that if someone were to tell you that they wanted, it would make perfect sense for you to receive it. It would not be putting the responsibility of your joy on someone else needs to do something. It would not be making someone else responsible because they said one little word out of place and now your whole day is ruined and they should know better. It's not because the socks were on the floor. It's not because the glass stayed on the counter. That's not really it. It's like, "I want to feel supported. I want to feel like we're a team. There's something missing." You're going to take time to actually think about that. 50% of the time, you will realize you're reacting to your emotional state, and there is no reason to communicate this whatsoever. You'll do the breathwork, the tapping, the portal drop, you'll do all the exercises, you'll breathe, you'll have a nap, you'll wake up, you'll have a glass of water, and you'll feel like a different person. But if not, we'll continue going down the line.
So, how you test this, how you test that you think you got it, that you know what you want, is the next step backwards is H, which is happiness for you and happiness for me. So, if you've still somehow managed to trick yourself into like, "Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got it. I got my ask, and it's good for everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's good." When you test it, "I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy," you'll see right away if it works or if you just kind of slipped it by. Like, "So, what I'm asking for is that you give me a refund, and that you'll be happy about it." That's not it. We didn't get there. We go back to the drawing board. You know what I'm asking for is what I want you to feel good. And I want to feel good.
So, let's say, for example, I have a feeling in my body that is so sad and so miserable, and I'm so upset, and and Kevin took a phone call on the night that was my one night off, and I feel like he doesn't care about me. And I've watched every minute go by on the clock, and I'm so frustrated because he didn't choose to spend time with me or be romantic. He took this call. And now I'm just there, and I'm thinking about the fact that we're not romantic, we haven't been romantic for so long, and he probably doesn't love me anymore. And I think of all these things I could say to him. "You used to be so romantic. You care about your friends more than me. You could have done this on any night. You chose my one night off. You never thought about me." I could think of all those things that would make him feel right mad and right sad and right upset, which would be great because when I want fair, fair would be he's also sad. This is all my baby goddess stuff.
Or what do I want? And then I'll really sit with it and realize, like, "I want us to be growing in our relationship, and I want us to have a focus on the future and have things on the calendar and have date nights prepared." Like, I just assumed he'd want to spend time with me on my night off because we never spend time together. But like, I don't want that. I want, "Hey, my night off is this this week. Should we do something like that?" That's what I really want. And when I think about that, I don't feel like a victim. I actually feel good about it. I could bring him a good, solid ask. And so, I could say, like, "Look, I want you to be so happy in your life, and I want you to feel like you have spare time and time to get on calls with your friends and to do all the things that matter to you. And I also want us to have the kind of relationship that I, that it's like we're growing and we're spending time together and we're choosing each other and we're prioritizing each other. So, what I'm asking for is that we book date nights from time to time. Like, when I know I'm going to have a night off and I tell you I'm off on Tuesday or something, why don't we either decide to do something together or go out together? Like, what if we did that?"
On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being, "We're going to have a great weekend now and life is going to be grand," and zero being, "We're going to fight," how do you think the communication goes when I show up in that energy with a great plan like that? Are we at a level 10? Life is grand. Okay. What about when I say, "You don't care about me. You took a call of your friends. This just shows me blah, blah, blah. Maybe we're not right for each other. Maybe I care more about you than you care about me. Maybe I..."
[Music]
So, I don't get what I want, but he feels as bad as I do. So, baby goddess gets what she wants, but goddess doesn't, because goddess doesn't want anybody to feel bad, including me. Baby goddess wants fair. So, happiness is like, you actually are going to feel good by the end of this because I have a solution. I have an ask that will make us both happy. I've thought about it. Now, why this is so powerful is like, imagine this is you. So, imagine it's your partner's night off. Your best friend calls, she's going through a crisis. You don't think about it, you pick up the phone, you end up being on the phone for an hour. And when you hang up the phone, your partner is livid. "This was my one night off. You just spent an hour on the phone with that friend. Like, why don't you tell me clearly that you don't want us to spend time together? We never spend time together anymore. You're always helping somebody or solving a crisis. I cannot remember the last time that you were in any way, shape, or form excited to spend time with me." How's that night going? Even though it's the truth, he's bearing the truth of his soul. How's this night going to end? Not good.
But if, while you were doing all the things, he recognizes his feelings, he realizes he's in turmoil, and he wants to get mad, and he thinks about it, and he realizes, "You know what? I really want. I miss my wife. I miss when she used to finish work and I was the first person she wanted to talk to. I haven't felt that in so long. But also, I haven't planned a date night with her in forever. I could look at myself for that." And he did all of that work while you were on the phone. And instead, by the time you got off the phone, he said to you, "Look, I've been thinking about it, and I realize like, we don't plan date nights anymore. I want you to feel good on your nights off. I want you to feel like you have space to get on a phone with a girlfriend, and all that. I want you to have that. But I've been feeling like, why don't we plan a date night? You know, I want to do more of that with you. I want to have it's just you and I, and the phones are closed, and it's romance, and I want to be the first person you want to chat with. I want to, I want to be more available. I want you to feel." How's that night going to go? That's a totally different night.
And so, when we realize like, receiving this would change my life, so giving it would change my life, because this is all my life. So, the both happiness is really important because it's where the baby goddess will have her last ditch attempt to be like, "I'll be happy if you're miserable." So, I will still be happy even if I say...
something mean, whereas the goddess is like, "I'm only happy if we're both happy." That's going to be the final test for baby goddess when you're going back words now.
The next part is the easiest because it's the problem. So, a lot of people like to not think about the two last bits. They like to just have an "Al," they have an "Alp" communication, or they just have a communication. Here's the problem. Here is the problem: If you deliver someone a problem, and they don't agree with the way you see the problem, they will immediately disprove your problem. In which case, you will get really, really mad. Has this ever happened? You've told someone, "This is our problem," and the person's like, "That's not what the problem is. I don't have that problem. I don't see what you mean. Why do you always see a problem?" And your level of anger goes from 10 to 150 in about three seconds flat. Having a discussion about the problem is a sure-fire way to have a fight.
So, Alpha communication literally buries the problem, problem in between two very emotionally regulated letters. The problem's right in the middle. There's two things before and two things after to make sure that you're not just going to focus on the problem. This is the part that requires the most emotional maturity from you because what you are going to say the problem is, is mostly laced in how you feel. It's not really what the problem is, it's what the problem feels like. So, you will often say things like, "Our problem is that you don't care about me." When in fact, the problem is, "You spent three hours on the phone," or "You spent, you went out on a night where I, I had my, my, my night off." Like, the, the problem is, "When I'm off and you take that time to go do something else, I feel a separation between us, and it makes me feel like you don't care about me." That's not how we saw that. That's not how we talk. The problem is, "You don't give a sh*t about me."
And then, then, then it's, so we want to get really clear on the problem. Once you've asked for what you want in your mind and you figured it out, and you're clear that there's happiness on both ends, when you think about the problem, you will immediately think about it differently. It will feel different in your body. In the same way, when the small child is screaming for something, and you say, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, tell me, what do you want?" They don't go, "You don't want to give me candy." They say, "I want candy." All of a sudden, you've dismantled the Kraken, and you've got this tiny little cute thing with something they want that they don't think they can have. This is where you'll meet yourself as a tiny little cute thing that wants something you don't think you can have because that's why you freak out about your problem. If you saw yourself as a powerful goddess who can make anything happen, you would just address problems in your life with ease and flow. The only reason you freak out when you have a problem is because you're a tiny little thing who thinks you can't have what you want.
So, you've got to get to that place within you. The place where you think they don't care. The place where you think you don't belong. The place where you think nothing will change. The place where you think you've ruined everything. The place where you think, whatever it is that you think that makes you feel like you're a tiny little thing that's not going to get what they want. That's the part you've got to address in you because the real problem is not the problem you think it is. And you have for sure seen other people do this to you. You have seen the friend tell you, "The problem is, you don't, you, you don't even want us to hang out together." And you're like, "Where did you get that from?" You've had your daughter say, "The problem is, you love me less than you love the other kids." You're like, "Have you lost your marbles?" This is the furthest thing from the truth that has ever happened. "Yes, it is the truth. This is my evidence." And you're like, "Thank you for this non-non-supportive, non-factual story you just told me. But that still does not prove your point. It just tells me you're emotional, and you think it's true. And if it was true, you'd be really sad. And so you are sad because you think it's true."
Let's go back. Let's relax. Let's breathe. Let's go back to the central nervous system. Let's turn the alarm off. Sit quietly. What's the problem? And you're going to figure out what the problem is. And you, you might have a problem, but your problem might sound like, "I don't think we've prioritized our relationship in a long time." The problem might be, "I don't think we appreciate each other as much as we used to. There, there's a lot of routine and taking for granted. We don't laugh as much as we used to. We don't..." Something. "There's a problem. There's something. I, I don't feel like I'm as, I get the same support from you as I used to, and I'm not sure what's, what's going on there. There's a we. There's an us." Because it's never just one person. "You're not the same as you used to be. You don't love me the way you did. You're not as romantic as you were. We, there's a we problem somewhere. We're not as connected as we were. We don't talk as much as we used to. We don't prioritize each other. It's been such a long time since romance has been in the house for us. You know, we stop focusing on our friendship, and we're talking a lot more about like, other people and stuff, and I, I feel like the, the core of what makes us be the coolest friends is getting lost. You know, we're, we're not growing together. We're not building something. We're kind of just talking about stuff. I miss building with you." What's the problem?
And you'll know when you find it because it'll feel like the goddess found the problem. In the same way, you would tell a little kid, "That's not the problem. That's not true. That's not it." And then all of a sudden, they'd say, "I feel like when I was little, we used to spend a lot more time together. And then since the other kids came, I feel like you don't spend as much time with me." That's the truth. That's the problem. You will feel that way about yourself. Like, that's it.
Now, sometimes it is hard for us to do this for ourselves. So, I, I want to be clear. Like, this is going to take some time, some energy. It's going to require you to be, to do some introspection. It's going to require some wisdom to not just be like, "That's too much work. I'm mad and I want to feel different about it now." Like, it, it does take the wisdom, and sometimes it is difficult to do it for yourself. And this is where it might be helpful to book a call with Cheryl. Alpha Team. The calls are like, I think $111 or so a session. And she's out of this world. Like, she's, she's so incredible. Or Nicole herself also opens one-on-one calls. Cam on the team opens one-on-one calls. Jacqueline has a few of those calls open. If you're like, "I want to speak to someone where, when I, when I go through this Alpha communication, they'll help me figure out like, is this really what I want?" Like a sounding board that's not the person. Because it's really hard for the person to be the sounding board because as soon as you tell them something that makes them feel bad or that makes them feel like you're wrong, it's personal.
So, this is why life coaching calls are so valuable. Like, relationship calls are so valuable. So, regardless of which one they, which person you would choose for your coaching, it's more so the, the people that they are serving. So, let's say you would speak to Jacine, you might have a lot of stuff going on like with your business, and a lot of stuff going on pressure with the business, and it feels like, uh, gosh, this is bigger than just my feelings. Like, I feel like I've got, I've got something very big. I want someone to hold. Cheryl has a psychology degree. She's studying. She's like a master of the mind. And so you, it would be more so like, your life, it's your life. It's something with your kid. It's something with your partner. It's something like in the context of fem fatal. It's really just an emotional thing. Um, same thing, Nicole, you'd probably get some breathwork and stuff in it as well. You'd get to talk. But I really, really feel if there's still spaces open to work with Cheryl, that for the Alpha communication to just work with her as a sounding board. She's so clean in her energy. She's a six line. She's the wisdom. You know, she's, you know, just the greatest woman, the greatest, the greatest, the greatest. And she went back to school in, as a six line, like after the age of 60, went back and decided to, to open a new life, like to open a new knowing for herself. Like, she's, she's out of this world. Uh, so after the age of 50, as a six line, your life starts to develop. And like, she went back to school, went into studying psychology. Like, she's out of this world.
So, if there is a chance for you, and you do feel blocked with your own stuff, go out there. Cam is fantastic. Like, they all have their own, their own way. So, it's a personality thing, or it's a, like, how much business and stuff you want them to hold as opposed to just like, "I want to get to the core of what my issue is." Anyway, so when you get to the problem, it's going to feel mature. That's how it's going to feel. It's going to feel the way you would feel when you're speaking to a little kid and you finally figure out what they really felt. It might make you even more emotional, but in a powerful way. You know, sometimes you're all mad and you're all hyped up on anger and and frustration, and then you realize what your real thing is, and it makes you almost fall to your knees emotionally. Like the breakthrough. Like, this is what I'm making for. That's how the problem will feel.
Now, once you've moved through P, which is the problem, in this way, you will actually feel softer because you'll have figured out what you want. You'll realize you care about the relationship. I want you to feel happy. I want to feel happy. And then you will have found the problem that gives you the breakthrough that actually softens you. And that's when the next two parts of the Alpha communication make sense. Because the next piece is the long-term vision.
Now, the long-term vision is so important because especially when you're going to be delivering the Alpha communication, it regulates both of your nervous systems and it puts you on the same page. Like, "I care about you." So often, people want to give their communication in a way that scares the other person because they want to give back the emotion. They don't care that the other person might worry. Like, "Are you breaking up with me? Do you not want to be my friend anymore? Do you hate me?" Like, they don't care that the person is left with all those feelings. Depending on how bad you are in your baby goddess breakdown, you might actually like that the person's freaking out like that.
So, adding the part like, "You are my best friend. I, we are going to be best friends until neither of us remembers if we've had our morning denture wash. Like, we're not going anywhere. You're my person forever." And I want to talk to you about something. That sets up the conversation so differently. "You're my husband. You're my wife. You're my partner. I love you with all of my heart. I want to stay married to you for the rest of my life. But I want to talk to you about something." Is so different than, "We've got to talk. You blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." So, the long-term vision calms the conversation and opens the mind of the person you're about to speak to so that they can actually hear what the problem is without freaking out because they don't feel like they're battling for the relationship or battling for the truth. They actually get from you that you love them and you're not going anywhere. And that's so different to receive.
So, what's the long-term vision? You see, even at your job. "I love this job. You want to speak to your boss." "I love this job. I want to keep working here." You have a complaint about your food at the restaurant. "I want to keep coming back to this restaurant forever. I recommend my friends here all the time." It's the part where you're not going anywhere. And you would be so shocked how much we need that part.
And then the final part is, you say something good about the person you're speaking to. You acknowledge the good. This is not available if you have not done all the pieces properly. If you went fast through the Alpha communication, you'll get to acknowledging the good and you'll be like, "I don't want to do that. I'm supposed to be telling them off. Why am I saying something nice to them?" This is counterintuitive, but when you've done the Alpha communication properly, it lands. And so acknowledging the good can look for, look like, "We've been friends for years. You've been my best friend for years. I love you more than anything. You are the, the best husband I could have ever wished for. The best father of my kids I could have ever wished for. You, I love our relationship. We've been doing so well lately. I love the dynamic we're in this year. I feel we've been doing so well. Um, I, I acknowledge how hard you work. I, I admire how many things you've got going on in your life." Whatever is the truth that you can find that acknowledges the good about who you're about to speak to.
So, in the, in the situation, let's say of what I was talking about with Kevin before, if I said like, "First, I want to acknowledge the incredible friend that you are. The incredible partner that you are to me. The incredible friends you are to your friends. Like, you're such an incredible man. Your, my fiancé. Like, I want to be with you forever. I want to marry you. But I, I've realized that we've not been prioritizing each other the way that we used to, and I've been feeling it. Like, I want you to feel happy, and I want you to feel like at night, you can pick up the phone and be on the phone with your friends on a night whenever it feels good to you. Like, I want you to have that. And I want to, I want to feel like we want to spend time together. You want to spend time with me. You're excited to spend time with me. And I feel like we haven't prioritized that recently. So, what I'd really love is for us to actually pick a night of the week there, if I've got a day off and you've got the day off, that we actually plan something, and that we honor that time for each other to build our relationship up."
Now, we've opened the communication. Kevin feels seen. He doesn't feel like he needs to say to me, "I care about my friends. I need to, I needed to be there. He was struggling." I've already acknowledged that. He doesn't feel worried that this is a deal breaker or that I'm so mad that I can't handle things. Like, I've told him I want to be with him forever. We're fine. We're good. I've told him about how I feel in the problem, but it's also cradled between, "I want to be with you forever," and "I want you to be happy." And so that's a lot easier to take on. And then I have a solution too. And so, what I'll most likely receive from Kev in this hypothetical situation is something like, "I'm in. I've been feeling that, you know, I, I, I want that. You're right. Let's do it. Where should we go?" You know? And it does happen.
If your Alpha communication is not squeaky clean, that your partner will pick up on all the little disappointments and the little things that you left in there and say things like, "So, basically, it's because I was on the phone today that you feel this way?" And this is your job in that moment to be honest and to say, "Yeah, like, while you were on the phone, I, I realized it was like causing me to feel like our relationship isn't good, or you don't care about me. And so I really sat with it because I definitely didn't want to lend that on you. I don't think it's the truth. I know you're a great friend and you're an amazing partner, and we love each other. Our relationship is solid. I want to be with you forever. I'm clear about that. But I really ask myself like, what's the problem if I'm feeling that way? And I realize, I think the problem is just we're not spending that quality time together." And you just go right back through the Alpha communication.
You will find in your practicing of doing this where you have a hard time letting discussions not be fights. For a lot of people, there is a fundamental need for an argument to get the energy out, to be seen, to give the payback. It'll feel like, "Well, that's not as rewarding as at the end he's crying and he's apologizing." And that's not rewarding. This is where nap, snack, meditation, breathwork, poop, whatever it is, is wrong. Like, why do you want to fight? Why does the two-year-old want to have a temper tantrum? You're disregulated. Something's off. You, you would rather be allowed to scream than to have a healthy communication. What do you need? And it's about working on you to get, get yourself there.
You're going to trip and fall. You're not going to be perfect. You'll start the Alpha communication halfway through, you'll get mad, and then you'll, it'll happen. It'll happen in the same way the little child slips and says, "I want to because I'm freaking out all over again." You're like, "Whoa, we were on the right track. Calm down." You've got to train yourself. You've got to build yourself up. You've got to build the relationship with your goddess. You've got to be able to figure out how to get yourself through these conversations. But it is a body of work within itself to get yourself to be able to do that.
And I will tell you, if, if parents could parent their children without the communication, there would be so much less childhood trauma. Because so much of childhood trauma comes from the mean thing your parents said that they can never take back. The feeling that they would abandon you, or that your relationship was going to break, or that it was broken. And because they said it, they almost wanted you to feel it. That you ruined everything, and it was all your fault. It felt good for them to put it all on you. The problem that you thought you were, that it was all on you, that you messed up, that it was because you weren't good enough, or you should have been better, or you should... And they made you feel that, that you were the problem. And because it was about what they said, what they said, so that your happiness didn't matter in this conversation. What mattered is that you did what you were told and that you were well-behaved. And it wasn't even about them asking you what they wanted. It was about telling you everything that was wrong. And it was your job to figure out what they wanted. And if you got it wrong, you'd probably get in trouble all over again. That's what causes the most of the trauma.
"I don't know why I'm doing my best, and all I'm getting is nothing that I do good is ever acknowledged. I'm constantly on pins and needles that I could wreck everything. I'm always the problem. It all boils down to something I did wrong. My happiness and my well-being does not matter when my parent is triggered at all. All that matters is their anger, and I better behave. And I don't even know at the end what to do. I just feel like I need to be quiet."
99% of the conflicts that I've helped people work through with their parents has one of the parts of Alpha communication being the core issue. And so, if you can learn to speak to your children, your partner, your friends in a way where none of that actually comes into the equation, it's never about making you walk on pins and needles, thinking you are wrong, thinking you're the problem, wondering if we still have a relationship, never feeling acknowledged for the good that you did, only ever seeing the bad. That's how we've learned to be in conflict because that's how society fights.
So, you're going to take care of yourself. You're going to reconnect to this goddess that you've got. You're going to have discussions with the baby goddess. You're going to untangle the mess. And you're going to figure out how to have Alpha communication. So, your homework for today is actually quite simple. I would like it for you to write up an Alpha communication. I want you to think about something that's been on your mind recently, a problem that you feel is a problem, and you can't stop thinking about the problem. And I want you to run it backwards. What do you actually want? What does it look like if you want you and the person involved to genuinely be happy? And how do you see the problem in a mature angle? And can you see a long-term vision for that relationship? And what's good about them? And then share it in the group. See how you feel when you, when you put out the Alpha communication.
The secondary homework of this is feeling a little challenging for you is to actually contemplate in your life where the other people not doing Alpha communication has caused you deep triggers. The people who, who couldn't acknowledge the good about you when they were upset, and that really made you feel like nothing you ever did good mattered anymore because right now you messed up. The people who were very willing to make you wonder if you still had a place as their child, as their wife, as their girlfriend, as their friend, just, just so that you knew how mad they were, and that you felt that pins and needles feeling that everything could break right now. Feeling that's caused by no long-term vision. The mind, mind, freak you got yourself into freaking out about how you're the problem, and you don't even know what you did wrong. Not knowing how to make it right. Think about that.
And when you get really clear about it, try an Alpha communication again. Once you understand how deep these parts actually land because it seems so easy in the head: acknowledge the good, long-term vision, what's the problem, both want to be happy, and then ask for what you want. But it's the work that you go through when you do it that changes your communication. You can use Alpha communication in the most manipulative way. I've seen people do it. I've had people take Alpha to Alpha with me and then try to manipulate me into doing something later on in life and lend, give me the most manipulative Alpha communication I've ever seen. And I'm like, "If only the energetics were there." But this is like, you got the words, but you, you didn't do the work. Do the work. Test it out. Practice this. We have another call tomorrow, and we're going to go deeper. It's going to make more sense. There's more pieces to unlock. But so far, everything we've learned has brought us here. Everything we've trained for has brought us here where you can contemplate this and work on this. So, enjoy it. Have fun with it. And I look forward to seeing your Alpha communications in the group. I will see you tomorrow.
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She emerged from within me like a goddess from water. She filled her lungs with new air with a sigh that meant everything: relief, rebirth, release. She took in the world around her with an understanding of its fragility and its strength. She let the waters of her past burn down her face. She took on a new name. She took on a new way. She became whole. She lives in me. She saved me. She is me.
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