Transcription
[Music] Mini breaks are 50 Shades of cray cray. How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress, with no idea where to go, how to eat, or what to do? It's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudg. But lash yourselves no longer, for I, a man who was once mistaken in a medieval siege for Richard the Lionheart, intend to be the first person you've met who can actually help.
Forcibly chaperoned by a televised face to give me the remote chance of relatability, I'm going to drag you howling through a maxi mini break. This is travel without mercy. Tonight, 48 hours in and roundabout Seville, the sunniest city in Europe, and to salvage what would be a steady solo soaking of low-energy sardonic remarks, is comedian, actor, and Colossus Rob Delaney. I don't know this man. Together we will sightsee with mighty strides. Richard, not sure if you're aware, you're still walking. Master flamenco! Gosh, this is hard. It's like Black Swan restaged the Three Amigos. Thank God for that. Crash! Mmm, we're here, but should we have [Music] come?
Seville is most of the way to Africa, making a 2 and a half hour flight the only humane way to get there. How's about that knife face? Ehy, that was something. How was the rest of the journey, though, for you? It was okay, but they made me pay for my tea. Well, that's the jet for you. But I think that these oranges in the trees are free, so yeah. So maybe harvest some and try and offset some of the Euro shortfall that you've already found yourself in. Why Seville? Why have you taken me here? I'm going to tell you that now. The Andalusian capital, Seville, is the fourth biggest city in Spain and it's largest inland river port. It's been ruled by the Romans, the Moors, and for the last 850 years, unchanged, the Spanish. Of all people. And for those bon vivants who like to get drunk on sun, Seville will scorch your back with 3,000 hours of sizzle a year, earning it the nickname "the frying pan of Europe." Frugal mini breakers can secure a weekend here for south of £240 Sterling, but we seem destined to spend more. My prophecy becomes true as soon as I swipe Rob's platinum card to book us in at the somewhat swanky Hotel Orel Viaan. This is a shame. The head hey's good, but we are not shielded from the element. It's that sexy Spanish arrogance. Yeah, there's probably not even a Wellington Boots shop in this goddamn place. Let's um haggle over the room. There is a tiny differential between the two rooms. I'm sure that'll be fine.
[Music] Okay, the hotel has 50 rooms and six suites, and because we are neither fish nor fowl, we've booked one of each. Okay. Wow. Yeah, this is amazing. I'm not sure whether this is the site or the standard. I have to imagine it's the site. I don't know. Just know I'd be happy here if that's good for me to factor into my decision, and it is my decision. Very well. O. Okay, this is very, isn't it? Wow. Are you? It's not, not a nice room, but I... Thank you. You're welcome. Um, so I'm going to leave you to bed in here. The good thing is that window is very hard to fall out of. There's no point dwelling on this. Don't dwell on it, Rob. To distract Rob from focusing on potentially divisive disparities, I immediately sign us up for a sightseeing running tour. It's a little chilly. Yeah, make sure that your nipples are warm before you do this. Yeah. Have to. Um, well, we're waiting for Angel. I imagine that's some kind of stage name, but he's a runner. Are those his children? I think so. Angel is very fertile. Hello. Hi. Hi. Are you Angel? Yes. Hello, Angel. Hello. From to S. I apologize for what I'm wearing. I've just come from Stone Rose's weekend of reenactment society. Yes. Yeah. How many kilometers do you want to run? Uh, 20 kilometers. Yeah, I think more than 20 would be uh dangerous. One, one would be... Thank you. I'll stay behind just to not embarrass anyone with the pace I set. Angel will tailor tours to suit hardcore sprinters or shuffling sightseers, allowing us to eyeball several of Seville's most pertinent points of interest at pace. Are we running by something important? Do you know what this is? Uh, I don't know. The Cathedral of... I would have said Nando. The cathedral is the third largest in the world, outside only by St. Peter's in the Vatican and a cathedral in Brazil. Do you go to this church? Oh, yes, of course. I get married here. Okay. Really? Yes. Okay. And how many people were at your wedding? Did they have to... Oh, 1,000 people. There were 1,000 people. 1,000 people. It's very, very, very big. How many are you still in touch with? 1,000. What's wrong with this place? Face sickened by Angel's popularity, we head towards the Park Maria Luisa, losing several runners who stop to reassess their own fractured relationships. Richard, not sure if you're aware, you're still walking. I know. How fast am I making for a non-existent finish line? We plot into the Plaza de España, which you may recognize from cinematic masterpieces such as Lawrence of Arabia and the film Attack of the Clones. As I hear the sound of Rob's right glutes ripping, I call our running tour to a halt. I, I must thank you very much for what's happened so far. I have to go with him because I'm his employee. It was good. It's a beautiful city and a great way to see it. Okay, we'll see you later. Bye. You enjoy that. I've seen really did well. I mean, we benefited and that we'll maybe live five minutes longer because of this workout, but travel shouldn't be about prolonging life, it should be about endangering it. Uh, those, those churros are a civilian specialty and are cooked in a rueda, or wheel, and served with hot chocolate sauce. The artery blows good gravy. That's quite surgical. What's happening there? Yeah. Hey, I'm pretty excited. Yes, that's, that's pred. That is, that's big. How is that? Really wonderful. Yeah, this is, I think, what my arteries now look like. Very likely. And, uh, we're carrying on the British tradition of eating something out of greasy paper. Yeah. One of those last churros has lodged midway. I'm going to try and try and try and dislodge it. You coming? Yeah. Oh, I feel nauseous. Then, as a lifelong lover of timber, I finally fulfill my ambition to ascend the world's largest wooden structure, the Metropol Parasol, known locally as Las Setas, the mushrooms. This is one hell of a fungus. This looks like a very large-scale craft project. Does look like it's made out of balsa wood. Yeah. Seems solid, though. Conceived by German architect Jürgen Mayer-H in 2004, the parasol won a competition for ideas to redevelop the square. Its bold design is meant to create shade like a less good version of a tree. This does seem like a very pleasing folly. Yeah. Now that we've traversed a giant artificial fungal structure, we decide to swiftly master an Andalusian art form. How do you feel about dancing? I'm just going to ask you what we pan down. Sure. I, uh, I like to move rhythmically when music is playing, but I wouldn't call what I do dance. I'll come now. Andalusia is the birthplace of flamenco, and lessons are readily available for beginners as well as experts. We will shortly become. Hello. H. Overwhelmed by my powerful masculinity, Manuel attempts to teach us the fundamentals of flamenco. Well, no, sorry, I drifted off from the beginning. Okay. Gosh, this is hard. This is like Black Swan. Okay, here we go. Okay. Okay. Now it's getting interesting. Right. Hey, and right. Okay. You don't sound entirely convinced. The dance moves I'm effortlessly expressing an onus bay stop and a mix with palmas, flamenco's distinctive hand claps and [Music] stamps. One, two, three, one. [Music] [Applause] Just abandon me at this point. It's fine. So, in flamenco, if someone's weak, you just abandon them. Is that what happened? You just go to the strong person. But let's continue. Okay, this is different. This is different. Okay, stop. Okay. Okay. I grew up in Peckham. When a brother like me's in this position, bad stuff's going down. Sensing that it would be fruitless to over-refine a raw, expressive talent like mine, Manuela calls it a de. Did she just call us uh, chicos? It means good dancers, man. Okay, do we get certification? As the main, without certification, this is nobody. Believe us. Can you get a certificate when the thing you learned most about is yourself? Yeah, I mean, that's one of the most important certificates you can get because I just really learned a lot about this guy. Okay, well, I feel I was undermined, and I don't really need that. I don't need to come to Spain to be undermined. Let's get you some ice cream. Okay. At a time when I would ordinarily be activating my home security system, the Spanish are heading out to eat comically tiny plates of food known as tapas. And to ensure you caught the best chow with the coolest cats, you can book a guided tapas tour with an expert like Monica Gonzalez. She begins with one of my favorite Spanish cured meats, ham. Very good. Okay, the idea is you put the ham in your mouth, you, you warm it up for three, four seconds, and then just start chewing, and then you should get a nice flavor. Could you describe it a little bit more? Now, warm, melty, autumn. Those are some words that come to mind. Okay, good. Very good. Stone face. Monica produces a local cheese she claims is called Tor del Car. Boom is what I want to say. That cheese. There's a lot going on. Then we waddle across the city for a salmorejo, a cold soup. It's got an egg in it. Yes. You don't need egg. No, that's great. Do you know egg? And can you recognize the other thing? I know egg. A little bit of ham in there. Yeah, exactly. Years ago, when I was little, the topping was just for celebrations. Mhm. Say, if you pass your driving test, you'd lob an egg in there. So, prop. I love it. It's, it's really good. How do you feel about the fact that you are eating at quarter to 11? I feel insane. I've not been up this late for a decade. Finally, a Sevillian specialty, espinacas con garbanzos, spinach and chickpeas. It's nice just to eat something hot for, for a little. That's really nice. I could probably eat 11 pounds of this. Then you will be 11 pounds fatter. Yeah. Rob, despite his laughter, a volcanic argument soon erupts in which many damaging things are said, and we are forced to leave the bar. And the first part of the show. Part two sees us in a very subsequent way, barrel along like beatniks. The road looks like California. On the way back, we can... You're going to say skinny dipping. I'm going to stop you and show up for a showdown. Oh, well, that's excessive.
[Music] [Music] We are straddling the central crack of our 48-hour Southern Spanish sojourn. The first 24 saw us run. Are we running by something important? Dance. Stop and become massively Spanish. How do you feel about the fact that you are eating at quarter to 11? I feel insane. Day two sees me using my gnostic intel of Seville to seek out some choice confections. You look nice in this light. Thank you. I do need good lighting to appear like a human. Now we're here at the San Leandro Convent, um, which is where they make egg yolk based sweets. I should warn you, I may combust in there. Oh, I see. I'm very, um, virtuous, so I'll be okay. The nuns here are a cloistered order, avoiding almost all contact with the outside world. I'm going to ring the bell. They should institute this at Greggs. I did not bring a crowbar. I know. Oh, here we go. Thank you. That's from a Renaissance recipe. Mmm, I like it. They're focused on taste over aesthetics. You must procure. We head for another Andalusian attraction some distance from Seville. That's a small vehicle. That's a fun little car, isn't it? Yes. Wow. Do you drive? I do. Yes. I only learned to drive last week. Yeah, well, then, since we're both fathers, uh, maybe I should drive. We can swap halfway through. I've already broken something. That's good. Oh, flat of the ham. Turn here. It comes. Our prolonged 400k trek takes us past Granada and across the scenic Sierra Nevada mountains. Their majesty! Oh, wow. That's one pack. I thought that was a multipack. I went in there expecting to take out smaller packets. Lesser men on such a trip might resort to sharing thoughts, life experiences, and hopes for a better world, but mercifully, I brought my iPod. It's very good. Air drumming song. It's very fast on the high house. Good stuff. [Applause] [Music] Oh, that's all I can do. Good cardio. Work up some of the crisps. Okay. Going to have one of yours. Oh, good. Hey, hey. A little lost highway. I think when you go on a road trip, you want to, um, you want to invoke the spirits of both David Lynch and David Bowie in the hopes that something, uh, magic and terrible might happen. [Music] Secret. I... To very good vibes. Agre. Sierra Nevada literally translates as snowy mountains, and Rob is gripped by a Prian rush. This road looks like California. I, uh, I don't know what to do. Oh, look at that. Oh, that's pretty. Pleasing. Depending on how the next phase of our trip goes, on the way back, we can ski. I'm going to stop you. No, I was suggesting mutual suicide. Okay, that's... I'd be more comfortable with that.
[Music] Than haunted by our subpar impressions, we approach one of Andalusia's most popular attractions, Fort Bravo, a working film set and Wild West theme park which attracts 30,000 visitors a year. This looks alarmingly like my neighborhood in [Music] London. It's an absolute mecca for film buffs who misunderstand the word Mecca. Visitors can explore the park by leg, horse, and cart, or go the full High Plains Drifter. Exactly. Sounds good. In a bid to stoke interest in my pending Peckham set Zorro reboot, I ignore my allergy to horses, these are very tight trousers, and saddle up. Have you been on a horse before? I have. Yeah. I have not been on a horse before. It may surprise you to learn, given my current mastery of this slow trot, but we'll see how it pans out. Fort Bravo was built in 1964 for the Sergio Leone film A Fistful of Dollars and starred in several Spaghetti Westerns. It opened to visitors in the 1980s and they've been flocking ever since. Man, is it busy in this place? Recent shoots here include Doctor Who and Penny Dreadful, where Sky Sports are based in that shack. That's not where murder comes to hide out. I wouldn't put it past him. Yeah. What's the name of this horse? Perra. Perra Apache. Apache. Rob, your one's called Apache. Oh, fantastic. You look at home on that [Music] horse. I think I'm wondering if Apache is mad at me because I'm fat. Apache does not consolidate negative body images. My horse just managed to salivate on me. I've got one minute left of my throat before it closes in. I honestly can't speak with my wind piping on the verge of collapse, and Rob drenched in horse wash, I rip called this mother. Well, it's further confirmation that I am indeed allergic to horses. How did you leave things with Apache in the end? I mean, I think it worked out okay. Uh, I will probably call him later to sort of unpack what happened, but I, I don't think that he liked me. That's it. Moss on out of here. I like Ricardo, though. He had eyes that have seen a lot. He's a handsome cowboy. The other one had a sadness I couldn't put a finger on. He's from Argentina. Okay. Like the brooding heroes of yesteryear, we head to the saloon for a fizzy drink. The silence that greets us is caused by a mixture of awe, low season visitor numbers, and my inaudible but constant guffing. We should get served relatively quickly, is the good thing. Yeah. I'd like a Fanta, and you? Those Fanta Fanta. I also see you have Kinder Eggs. Two Kinder Eggs and a pack of Orbit. Uh, and do you have a Wi-Fi code? Wi-Fi there? Kind of a sad atmosphere in this bar, actually. I think we're contributing to it. Let's see what the toy is. Hey, it's a little, it's a little dog. You can change the hair. There's very little assembly required on this. I don't know this man. Twice a day, at no extra cost, visitors can enjoy a Wild West show. This is the American national anthem. [Music] Yeah, sounded like exposition. Oh dear. This afternoon's performance centers on a kind of robbery. He's got all the Milky Bars in there, and it's staged with the authenticity of a mid-90s sitcom. Dream [Music] sequence. Oh, thank God for that. Crash! Mmm. What are the odds? Well, that's excessive. That's very good. Oh, very good. Thank you very much. I've done similar scenes myself. Thank you so much. Emotionally drained from the horse opera, it's time to reflect on our time in southern Spain. At least we managed to nab this parking space before they all go. Thank goodness. Well, here we are, against a frankly over-dramatic background, to assess our time here. How do you feel it's been? I've had a great time. Time. We ate a lot of ham, which is a major yardstick I use to determine if a thing was good or not. The ham index. By the ham index, it was a triumph. Ham contributed considerably to our total spend of £520. £15 per person. A frankly petty price to pay for 48 hours rich in culture, adventure, and thinly sliced meat. Well, the weather's been good, and for the time of year that we're here, which we probably also to specify, cuz we don't have a broadcast date yet, but the weather is excellent. It really is. Overall, I think this is a pretty good place to come. Yeah. Next week, a watery weekend in Venice with Joe Brand. It's a challenge. Go on. N. [Music]