Transcription
Looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love in all the wrong places. That was Urban Cowboy from the 1970s, I think. I think it was just after Saturday Night Fever, and John Travolta decided to go from New York disco to Texas country. I think that was where line dancing became quite the craze. But, uh, this is a problem that I think underlies many of our societal problems; is that we, as, as humans, but particularly as men, tend to, uh, look for our partners for the wrong reasons. We find someone that we think is attractive; we follow the algorithm of Life 1.0; we check off all the boxes; we get to a certain age, and it's almost like playing musical chairs. You get to that spot, and it's like, okay, who am I with? Is this person good enough? Will she suffice? Or is she the only one I can get? Whatever it may be, we make this decision; we give our commitment; and then most of us spend the rest of our lives wondering what the hell were we thinking.
So today, today I want to talk a little bit about why it is we tend to pick the wrong woman, why it is we pay so dearly for it, and how we pay so dearly for it. So let's talk about it. Making the right decision about the person you want to spend the rest of your life with can be one of those lynchpin decisions. If you make this decision well, well, things can go really well for you. I mean, this could be the most fulfilling experience in your life; it could make everything in your life better; it could, um, result in, you know, levels of personal growth and happiness and fulfillment that you probably never would have reached on your own. Having, uh, the right person in your life can inspire you to new levels of achievement, and, um, having the wrong person in your life can destroy everything. It can be that lynchpin decision, and obviously, here in the West, at least in the United States, a lot of people are making the wrong decision. And I offer you evidence of high rates of obesity, high rates of alcoholism and drug addiction. I think our next big one is going to be high rates of chronic gambling, since gambling has become almost, you know, pervasive everywhere you go these days, um, and then with men, you've got high levels of homelessness and, um, suicide. So all of these things combined reflect upon this one simple decision that we make in our lives, and we make these decisions usually at a time when we are not at our best, usually when we're young or uninformed; we're uneducated, and we give our commitment to someone that is not the right person for us, and we spend the next decade or two learning the hard way that we've done it. And once you're in, especially if you start adding children to the mix, well, as men, we just continue to, um, endure; we continue to embrace; we continue to try to figure it out, the problem solve; and that just makes things worse and worse and worse until finally you hit that breaking point, and the relationship has to end, and at that point, it can be catastrophic, you know, emotionally, financially, psychologically. I mean, we've been down that path on many other videos, so I don't need to do it here, but it all comes down to that one simple decision, and so many of us make the wrong decision for a number of reasons. So today I'm going to talk about the six primary reasons why we make this poor decision and how we can perhaps change our approach so that we, we don't fall into that trap.
So the first reason we make that decision is Life 1.0; the algorithm pushes us toward it. You know, we go to school, we get jobs, we buy houses, we get careers, and we get married and have children. This is all part of the, uh, the idea of what you need to do in order to have a happy and fulfilling life. And I remember as a young man feeling a sense of urgency to start checking these boxes off, like I wanted to get to that place where I was happy and fulfilled, and I thought if I was able to get through this process efficiently and quickly—I mean, I'm a smart guy, I can figure this out; I can, um, achieve that level of, of happiness—well, yeah, that never happened. I mean, I, I checked off all the boxes, but the happiness didn't follow. And the reason why they didn't follow is because when I was making the decision about the women that I wanted to spend time with—and I'm not just talking about my wife, cuz there were a bunch of women before her—they were all bad news, and I was getting involved with these women unnecessarily based on my lack of education and understanding of what it was I was getting into and what I really wanted or needed for myself. And that is, I think, the, the one of the top reasons. I'm doing these backwards from six to one, but that one is a pretty strong one; that one could be like close to the top, um, but Life 1.0, man. And when you're at that age, when you're pushing forward, you're trying to achieve things in your life, checking off that box for finding your partner, your wife, that's a big one, and I think a lot of guys rush it, and they do it from a place of not knowing what they're getting into.
Number five, and this one is much more common now than probably at any other time in history, it's childhood trauma. Um, those of us who were raised by Baby Boomers, or for you younger people, Generation Xers, we're carrying forward a lot of generational trauma, you know, um, our parents, a large percentage of them had bad marriages or got divorced. This was at the era where there was a lot of social upheaval with, um, feminism and all these cultural changes, and our parents didn't know how to handle it; they, they struggled with these changes, and so their relationships suffered as a result. And when their relationship suffered, our relationships with them suffered, and we as children paid a pretty large price for it, but we didn't realize we were paying that price until we were older, and we found that we were struggling to have relationships. And I know that even with my kids, sometimes when they were younger, and I would find myself in a place of frustration because if someone was misbehaving or something like that, and I would hear the echoes of voices from my parents yelling at me coming out of my own mouth towards my own children—this is not an intentional act; it's like it just sort of pours out of you—and suddenly you find yourself acting like your own parents, and you think, where the hell did that come from? Well, the same is true in our romantic relationships, in our, in our partnerships. When we absorb the dysfunction of our parents' relationships as small children or as young children, we don't realize it's dysfunction; we just think this is the way it is, so it just sinks right into our little brains, and then as we get older, this dysfunction pours out, and we don't even realize it's pouring out until suddenly it's too late, cuz sometimes you say things or do things that are almost reactive, like a, you know, like a reflex, and that reflex harms the person or hurts the person that you care about the most. And when that happens, it's like firing a gun; you can't take it back. When you've said that terrible thing or you've done that terrible thing, you've acted in a terrible way; you've caused damage to this relationship at a profound level, and it's very difficult sometimes for your partner to forgive you for that; sometimes it's difficult for you to forgive yourself for it. And I, I see that quite often where people don't really fully understand why they behave the way they did, and, um, not until they're dealing with, with the consequences of it did they reflect back on it and think, well, maybe, maybe it was because my father was an alcoholic, or maybe it was because my mom cheated, or maybe it's because they didn't talk for three months, you know, maybe it's because they didn't hug and kiss enough, maybe it's something I saw when I was a child. So yeah, childhood trauma, man, that definitely comes forward and can definitely up your, your marriage satisficing.
So, sort of like being satisfied but also just accepting that this is the person that you're going to be with. So you get to that place in your life where you're ready, and you're just going to accept whatever relationship you have at that time or whatever relationship you can achieve at that time. Maybe this person isn't perfect; maybe this person doesn't check all your boxes, but they check a few, you know, they're not bad; there's a couple red flags, but maybe, maybe it's okay; maybe I can be satisfied with this; maybe I can sacrifice a little bit and, uh, and make this work. I'm a smart enough guy; I used to think that, hell, I'm a smart guy; I'm good with girls; I've got good relationship skills; hell, if she doesn't have what it takes, I can fill in the difference; I can make up the difference here; I know how to make a relationship work; I got no problem with this; if she can put two sentences together, you know, she can feed herself, take care of herself, then I can manage the rest, you know, all I need is the basics, you know, she's pretty, she can form sentences, you know, and she can take care of herself; I, I can manage the rest. Nah, that's not the way it works; it's not the way it works at all. Yeah, too often times I think that we just, um, go along with whatever's happening at the time and think, okay, I'm just going to go with it; I'm just going to go with it. And I know so many of my friends and even some family members who did that where this was not the person for them, but they were at that stage; they'd always been the bridesmaid and never the bride, or always the groomsmen and never the groom, and they got to that stage was like, man, I'm tired of going to people's weddings; I want to only go to one more, and that's my own. And so they pull the plug on, on everything, and they just say, I'm just going to focus and find someone and marry her, and they do that, and then they regret it for the rest of their lives. So you can't, um, allow some arbitrary outside experience determine your decision-making when it comes to selecting a person for yourself. You're far better off being single than you are making a bad decision here, um, and I think a lot of people, a lot of people do exactly that, they, and it, it part of it is because, you know, relationships are difficult, and sometimes you don't find out that that person has all these red flags until you're three, six months in, you know, and you think, oh my God, I put all this time and energy into this thing already; maybe I can overlook that, you know, I don't want to start over with somebody else. It's like, and I think it's just a lack of faith that if you make the best decisions in your own best interest that the right person will come to you. Um, sometimes I think life tests us over and over and over again, and it's waiting for us to make the right decision in our own best interest, to be honest with ourselves and to choose based on our own authenticity. And too often times we choose based on external forces, you know, like I said, Life 1.0, or maybe it's someone who's, you know, meet some kind of external level of, uh, attractiveness, whatever it may be, but we do this, and then we regret it later. So don't allow yourself to make a decision for convenience sake; don't allow yourself to make a decision because the timing just seems right; don't allow you make yourself to make a decision just because you've dedicated a lot of time and energy to a relationship and you see the red flags but you decide to push forward anyway. Yeah, all those things are going to cause you to, uh, push your life in a direction that doesn't want to go, that you don't want to go with it. So use some discretion, honor your own inner voice, and, uh, only make this decision when you know it's right.
All right, number three, here's a tough one for you guys: low self-esteem. Yeah, yeah, it happens. I know it's hard to imagine, but sometimes some of us don't feel too confident about ourselves; we don't feel good about ourselves; we're not, we're not Chad or Tyrone; we're not six-foot-plus with a six-pack and a six-fig income. So we get this idea in our head that whatever we're bringing to the table isn't good enough for the person that we really want and we feel like we deserve. And so we accept the scraps, whatever's left over, that, that girl that nobody else would really be interested in, um, maybe we, we go for the wounded gazelle—that's my favorite one—these are the pretty girls with all the psychological issues that no man in his right mind wants; those are the ones that get left over, you know, and there you are, Mr. Low self-esteem, thinking, why is this hot girl interested in me? Well, there's your first red flag. I'm just kidding; I'm just kidding. But, uh, you know what I mean, you know, if, if something doesn't seem right about it, something just seems a little bit off, it probably is; you probably need to do a little more investigating to figure that out. And I'll tell you, the hot crazy ones do a really good job of hiding it; they know they're crazy; they know there's something wrong; they try to pretend like they're perfect, like they got it all together, but they can't hide it forever. So don't allow yourself to accept the idea that you're not good enough for the woman that you want; that is a critical, critical mistake. Because what most guys don't realize is that women look at men completely different than we look at them. Yeah, I know there's a lot of women out there who are just looking at you as if you are a bank account, an ATM; there, there's that section of the population that's absolutely true, but there is a subsection of the female population that really wants a meaningful relationship, and your appearance and your earning ability is going to be secondary and tertiary to that primary issue, and those are the women you need to look for. All you need to do is have a little bit of confidence and allow, put yourself out there and allow yourself to get rejected; allow yourself to get pushed away from time to time because it's going to happen, but if you do it enough, I guarantee you you're going to find that right girl; you're going to find that one that really is interested in you for who you are and what you bring to the table in a relationship, not necessarily how much money you make or how many abs you can see in the mirror or how tall you are or any of that other. There are women out there who truly want a good guy; they really do. So, um, don't give up, and don't think that because you're not the best-looking guy in the world that you can't find, uh, the right girl. I guarantee you can; you just have to be patient and have a little bit of confidence and put that low self-esteem stuff aside; that's just your own negative self-talk, and it doesn't mean anything; it's just a, it's a lie you're telling yourself; it's an excuse you're giving yourself for not being the man that you want to be. So don't let yourself fall into that trap.
So this one taps into a little bit of that childhood trauma one, and it's familiarity over true fulfillment in happiness. So sometimes if you've got some issues from your past, maybe some childhood trauma, and your parents had a very dysfunctional relationship, you may seek that relationship out in another person; you may actually find that familiarity that comes from observing people in that kind of relationship where there's a, a dynamic that is, um, unhealthy for any number of reasons: arguing, um, neglect, all kinds of terrible, um, and you may seek that out because your parents did that, and you may think that's what makes me feel good, or maybe it was a relationship that you had in the past, and so you seek out that familiarity from that other dysfunctional relationship, not realizing that those are the reasons why that relationship failed. So you got to be really clear about what it is you want in a relationship, and just like I've said in so many other videos in the past, when you say you got to have a vision for your life, you've got to have a vision for a relationship; you've got to have clarity about what you want, and you've got to be willing to stick it out and say, I would rather be single than accept something that doesn't meet these standards. You know, I need to be clear about what it is I'm looking for, and then you got to be clear about how you become that guy; how do you become the guy that deserves that relationship, deserves that woman? How do you become the other half of that relationship? Because if you're dysfunctional, you're not going to attract any functional women; trust me, trust me on that; you're just going to get what you, you know, like attracts like; that's what you're going to get. So don't fall for the familiar; familiar more often than not is not the direction you should be going; more often than not, um, you're looking for something that's a little, you know, I hesitate to use the word strange; that's a loaded term, but a little bit out of the ordinary, something a little unfamiliar, let's put it that way. All right, so don't accept the familiar over the, uh, over your, over your happiness; have a vision for your relationship and be the man who gets that relationship.
And the number one reason why people make the wrong decision is they don't know themselves. Yeah, all finally comes back down to you. You know, you're the one making the decision, and if you don't know yourself and, and, uh, who you are as a man and what's important to you and what your values are and, uh, have a vision for your life, you know, it comes down to that; having a strong masculine frame. Now I don't want to blow that up to too big because I know it sounds like you need to be something like, um, Andrew Tate; that's not what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking about you knowing who you are, what's important to you, what your values are, what your goals are, and knowing that you have to find a woman that will fit into that frame. If you don't have a solid foundation for your own identity as a man, you cannot expect to find a healthy relationship with a woman; you will not find a healthy relationship with a woman. That's why when young guys say—I'm talking between the ages of, say, 18 and 30—in the ages of 18 and 30, there are very few men who understand themselves well enough to make a decision about getting married, cuz they don't have that solid masculine frame where they know who they are, um, have a vision for their life, have a set of goals, have, um, solid values that establish their identity, uh, they know what their, um, boundaries are; they know what they're willing to accept, what they're not willing to accept; they, uh, they have clarity about the kind of person that they need or want in their life; they're not, they're not in a needy position. The word need is not correct; they're not needing someone; they have a desire to enhance their life by bringing in another person who can enhance their personal growth and help them achieve their personal goals, to be the best person that they can be; that when they're together, they want to be the best person, and so does she. Um, this is a very tough, tough bill to fill; it really is; it really is. And I'm not going to kid around with you; I would say that the vast majority of people, men and women included, do not have this kind of clarity about having a relationship in their life. Too often times any number of those, um, issues can be the fatal flaw that predates the eventual divorce and the, uh, wrecking of your life because you only get to live this one life, as far as, as we know; you don't get to live it twice, to the best of my knowledge; you get to live it once. Making this one decision about number one, whether to get married or not to get married, and if you decide you're going to get married, to get clarity about what the risks are and, um, how exacting you need to be about picking the right person and getting clear before you start looking at the other person and what she brings to the table.
You need to get clear about yourself and what you bring to the table. Who are you? Are you ready for this? And I guarantee you, the asked majority of men aren't.
So, like I said in the beginning of the video, when you make a bad decision, this one, this one issue about getting married, it changes the trajectory of your life in ways that you could not imagine. Perfectly good, smart, healthy men, you know, get into a bad relationship, and 10 or 20 years later, their lives are wrecked. They're alcoholics, they're drug addicts, they're obese, um, they're broke, their careers are in the toilet, they um, they hate life; they hate their lives.
Um, another one you got to watch out for is loneliness. You cannot bring a woman into your life to satisfy your loneliness. Loneliness is not something that exists out in the world; it only exists in your head. I see in the comments a lot of guys complaining about being lonely. Well, then stop, stop being lonely! My God, just stop! You don't need to be lonely; figure it out. But complaining and whining about being lonely is just going to lead you down the path of making more bad decisions. It's not something that you catch; it's not something you breathe in; it's not a virus. It's something that you do to yourself, and all you can do to stop it is change your thoughts.
I'll do another video on loneliness because it's one of those issues that I can see is pervasive in our society, and it's something that is unnecessary. But anyway, I've said enough on all this today. I hope you found this video helpful. If you did, please like and subscribe. Um, I'll see you in the next one, but until then, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.