Transcription
Dating is so challenging these days, and having this insight of the five stages of dating can give you a lot of extra support. We're always looking for the right person, but quite often, if we're not going through each of the five stages appropriately, you might be losing out and continuing to unknowingly sabotage the dating experience so you don't find the right person for you.
So, what are those five stages? The first stage is attraction, and then you go to the second stage, which is uncertainty. The third stage is you get to a place of commitment, exclusivity. The fourth stage, you get to a place of deeper intimacy, and the fifth stage is engagement. And we want to realize that every one of those stages, there's ways we unknowingly sabotage. I'll briefly cover those, but in the blog, you'll get much more detail on what women do, what men do, and how you can make sure you navigate through each stage so you can get to your goal of recognizing this is the one for me and creating a relationship for a lifetime.
So, in the first stage of attraction, we have to realize many times the things we do sabotage the relationship. Quite often, women, when they're attracted to a man, will pursue him, and the more you pursue a man, the more he will withdraw or lose interest in you. An example of that is giving to him what you would want, but not necessarily what will make him more interested in you. On a date, you might ask him lots of questions because asking questions is something you would love from a man, but when you ask a man lots of questions, he just thinks about himself and he doesn't get to know about you. So, the key is to be authentic, to be real, and actually make sure as a woman that you talk a lot more than him and talk about what's true for you.
At the same time, for men, you take insight from what I just said. What women need most is what they give most when they make a mistake, and that is they ask lots of questions. If you want to win a woman over and get to know her and find out if she's the right person for you, make sure you listen more than you speak. Ask more questions, "Help me understand that better," or "What do you think about that?" Well, that's a good idea, "Tell me more." These are the kinds of things that will bring out more of who she is. And then, if you stay attracted to her, you'll make it to the second stage. Same thing for women is if you authentically show up and he's still attracted to you, you will be attracted to him. Then you make it to the second stage, which is a stage where you think we're ready for exclusivity, but actually, it's uncertainty.
If you were like shopping for a house and you found the right house, you go, "Wow, this is a great house." The next day, you'll start thinking, "Gee, but is it really the right house? Do I really want to put that much money into it? And what is it going to cost?" That's why your doubts and hesitations come up, and we all have different past experiences that can give rise to doubts and hesitations and making a commitment to truly opening our heart to someone because it's different just to be attracted versus really opening yourself up. So, generally speaking, you could be with the right person, but you feel uncertain. You start to have all your doubts come up. And my favorite example for that is people could come to my house, which is beautiful, and see how wonderful it is, but if you're thinking of buying the house, they'll check under the house to see if there's mold, to see if there's cracks in the foundation, to see what the problems would be. So, when people are thinking about really going for a committed relationship, our brain tends to become hypervigilant, looking at the problems. So, it's natural, it's normal, and the reason it's important to point out is because when those doubts come up, we have this naive idea that if you meet the right person, you'll never have any doubts. Now, maybe that's true in a few cases, but for most people, we have to work through that period of time of uncertainty. And it gives rise, once we feel like maybe this is the one, then there's the uncertainty. And during uncertainty, men tend to withdraw, and women will tend to pursue, asking the questions, "Let's talk about the relationship. Where do you stand?" That's your own insecurity, women. And those are the times when you need to back away from the relationship. Let there be some space. Talk to your friends about your insecurity and see if, see if he doesn't come back and show more interest and attention to you. It's very natural for men to want to get close, to pull away, to get close, to pull away. And it's at this time of uncertainty where he will back off a little bit. So, in the blog, I'll go into greater detail about the ways both men and women can sabotage the progression through these stages during that time of uncertainty.
The third stage is you make it through uncertainty. You know this is the one for me. You make a commitment and you have exclusivity. So much of the time during this time, men just feel like, "I've climbed the mountain now I can rest," and they stop doing all the little romantic things. Meanwhile, women notice that, and what they'll do is tend to give more and more and more, and then resentment builds up when he doesn't respond back by giving more and more and more. So, this is where we need good relationship skills, and I'll show in the blog some of the common ways we undermine that stage.
The fourth stage, if you make it, you're an exclusive relationship. You're getting closer and closer. That's when our insecurities will start to come up at a deeper level, and that's when we have to become more authentic about what we feel. We have to have good communication skills so it doesn't turn into hurtful arguments. We understand about how past relationships, the wounds from past relationships will tend to come up during this stage of intimacy, and how making sure that we don't blame our partner for what we feel, but learning to take responsibility for our own happiness so that we can get closer and closer. Because the closer you are, the more your heart's fully opening. Any blocks you have to opening your heart will start to come up, and there'll be more challenges. But if you make it through that stage, then you'll wake up one day and you'll go, "This is the one for me." How do you know? You'll have just a certainty inside, and that's like if I drink cold water, go, "This water's cold." That's when you know for sure this is the one for me.
Then there's proposal that happens, and when there's proposal, people want to run off and get married. But actually, a good year in the engagement process or more, a little less is perfect for training you to have a lifetime of love because that's when you're gonna have the least obstacles to having a successful relationship is during that engagement period. You're making decisions together and so forth without the heavy weight of moving in together and sharing finances together, having kids together. That's more decisions together. So, this is the stage for building trust. This is the one for me, and you start getting in habits of relating to each other without the big challenges of being married.
So, those are your five stages, and at each stage, there's obstacles. And together, if we understand those obstacles, we can work through our challenges and create a foundation for a lifetime of love.