Transcription
Hi guys, welcome back to my channel. My name is Liz. Um, okay, so today I've decided to do things differently. I want to share some life lessons with you guys that I have learned, uh, being an extreme people-pleaser.
You know, people-pleasers, they see the world kind of differently. And you know why? Because people really treat them differently, and they treat them like, you know, trash basically. Yeah, if you're a people-pleaser watching this, you know what I mean.
I have been bullied my whole life. Like, in my house I was bullied, and in school I was bullied. And I'm not talking bullied as in like, oh, just like making fun of my appearance. No, no, I was physically hit. I don't really want to go into my bully story. I, uh, I think I will in like an interview or a podcast that I do, if you guys are interested.
But to give you guys a little context, like there was one school that I was severely bullied at where basically there was this one instance that like the guys in the class that used to bully me, they, uh, told this other guy who was also getting bullied in my class, um, to punch me in the face. And I honestly, I was like, just minding my business because I was like, just leave me alone, you know? I was just doing my stuff on the computer, and then they, they were really rattling this guy up to punch me in the face. And then that guy, I knew he didn't want to do it, but obviously if you're getting bullied and then they're pressuring you, he came over and he literally punched me in the face. And I looked at him, and obviously it hurts, so I started crying and I ran to the principal's office and I was like, "When are you guys gonna help me? Like, I'm literally getting bullied during gym classes!" They—like the guys would throw the basketballs, I mean, really hard, that I would walk out of the class like crying and bawling my eyes out.
But it wasn't only men that were bullying me; women as well. Like, uh, in another school I was going to, like, for example, these girls thought it was funny to roll me up into a carpet during gym class, and I couldn't breathe. I literally thought I was dying. I was like, "Please, like, release me!" I was like yelling, and they couldn't even hear me. I thought at that moment I was dying.
But you know why I was getting bullied so much? Because this girl could not stand up for herself. This girl literally had no boundaries, and I would do anything and everything to just be liked by people. You know, sometimes you cannot fit into places because you were meant to stand out, and I did not realize this. I did not fit in. I did not, because I was not like the rest. I literally was the weird one out. I did not think like the other people in my class. I had a really weird understanding of the world, so I wanted to constantly dim myself in order to fit in with them, and they didn't like me.
The thing as well was that at home I would never tell my parents, um, or my siblings that I was getting bullied because I, I had so many issues at home already, and, uh, I, like, I was getting abused at home as well, so I didn't want to be like the drama child or the child that brought like issues home, you know? So I would just like, you know, like suck it up, suck it up. And there was one time that my sister actually found out that I was getting bullied because she went to the school where I was like physically hit and stuff by those men, and, um, basically one of my former classmates—these girls—she had told her, like, "Oh my God, like, you don't know how much your sister was getting bullied in this school," and all these things. And my sister came home and she was like, "Liz, like, were you getting bullied?" And I was like, "Huh, no," you know? I was so embarrassed. And she was like, "Why did you not tell me?" My sister's like the kind of person—like, she does not get bullied. You do not talk to my sister disrespectfully; anything. My sister has this mentality of like, "I'd rather have people fear me than disrespect me," so people would not treat her the same way. It was brought up in a way that was like, "Okay, Liz, you are gonna listen. If you don't listen, you'll get abused," you know? You got physically abused. So for me, when, when somebody, even though this day, asks me something and I don't want to answer or I don't want to do it, I go into like a trans mode and I answer or I, I just do what they ask me to do because it's, it's like installed in me, you know? It's like either that or you'll get hurt.
So I really am still struggling with this, and I'm still going to therapy with this, and this is why I love therapy, guys, by the way. And that's why I'm advocating for therapy. A therapist is one that told me, "Liz, this is not who you are, and you can actually change this around," so it gave me a lot of hope as well. I'm telling you, therapy changed my life. However, I do know that therapy can be quite expensive, and that's why I want to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring this video. BetterHelp is the world's largest therapy service, and it's 100% online. With BetterHelp, you get access to a network of over 30,000 licensed and experienced therapists that can help you with any issue you might be facing. To get started, you answer a few questions about your needs and preferences in therapy so that BetterHelp can match you with the right therapist from the network. Then you can talk to your therapist however you feel comfortable, whether it's via text, chat, phone, or video call. You can message your therapist at any time and schedule live sessions whenever it's convenient for you. So if the therapist you're given isn't the right fit for you, BetterHelp allows you to switch therapists with no additional charge. With BetterHelp, you get the same professionalism as an in-person therapist, but at a way more affordable price. Go to betterhelp.com/wizardliz for your first month, and I've also linked them down below in the description. Let's get right into it.
The first thing I learned being a people-pleaser is basically people will keep treating you like trash until you get boundaries for yourself and you are firm about them. See, the big issue with me was I would let you treat me badly, and I would just forgive you quickly, and that's it. Like, I would be like, "Oh yeah, you can do that," but yet tomorrow I'm talking to you again. Why am I talking to you? Isn't that—people are so comfortable saying whatever to you. But the reason that people are so comfortable to ask you whatever is because you don't stand up for yourself. It's because you don't have the courage to say, "Hey, listen, do not speak to me like that," or, "Hey, listen, do not treat me like that." And even when you do say that, they know that you're easy to forgive. You will like quickly be like, "Oh yeah, okay, it's fine," and you guys are friends tomorrow again. No, this is where you go wrong. When you tell someone, "Hey, listen, do not speak to me like that," and they still continue to do it, you do not talk to them; you do not go near them; you protect yourself and your boundaries. I distance myself from a lot of people that are not willing to meet my boundaries, not willing to meet my standards. If a family member—some family members—I was like, "Okay, you are not willing to respect me, then leave me alone." I'm not asking for crazy things; I'm asking for respect. I'm asking to be treated like a human being, and you're unable to do that, then you're unable to stay in my life. If you tell a person that truly loves you, "Hey, listen, I don't feel comfortable when you do this to me. I don't feel comfortable when you say this to me," they will actually try to change it and, and make you feel more comfortable. But when you say that to a person that benefits from using you and you having no boundaries, they will get offended, and they will be like, "Oh, you changed now? You feel better?" No, I don't allow you to treat me like that anymore.
Another thing I learned is stop making excuses for people that treat you badly. No, I don't care about how they're feeling. I don't care about their mental state. I don't care about what they're going through. I was going through a lot of stuff as well and would show up to school and try to be nice to people. It's not an excuse. You are 100% in control of how you treat others, and if you can't—if you can't treat other people well, then you stay away from people because there is no reason that you should be hurting other people because you are hurt. No way. And there's no reason that you should be accepting and making excuses for other people that are hurting you because you think like, "Oh, that's sad for them," but what about you? Do we ever feel sad about ourselves? Like, it's so good, and everything is—everybody's like, "Oh, you're so noble for caring about others," but when you care about yourself, you're selfish. No. There's one girl in my school, yeah, and she used to bully me so badly. She was like one of the popular girls, but she was so mean to me, and, um, she basically would make fun of my appearance, would make fun of my lips, and then, uh, basically, uh, I would always think like, "Oh yeah, but it's because her father left her at a young age; that's why she has trauma from that, and that's really sad and stuff." But Liz, like, you're sitting there, you're getting abused every day at home, and you don't treat her like that. So why was I feeling empathy for her when she had no empathy towards me? And you know why she had no empathy towards me? Because I had no empathy towards myself. I would rather feel bad for her than I would feel bad for myself, and that was my big issue. I could not put myself first. You are not a bad person for having boundaries and standing up for yourself. See, I, I think like, as well, when I am a people-pleaser, I have this belief of like, "Oh no, I just want people to like me. I, I don't want to cause drama. I don't want to be a burden," so I'm gonna do whatever they ask me to do, or I'm not going to speak up for myself. I'm not a bad person because I have boundaries or I am willing to speak up for myself. I am actually a person that respects myself because it's not that you're gonna go out there and be a mean person or be unkind to anyone. No, when somebody crosses your boundary and you're not comfortable—for something, for example, somebody asks you an inappropriate question and you don't want to answer—you say, "Hey, I prefer to not answer that question," or you just completely go silent and you don't answer the question. Not a bad person if you—if you don't answer the question. You know, you're not a bad person for saying, "I don't feel comfortable with this. I, I want to honor myself and my own needs."
The thing I learned is, uh, people don't have the same heart or intentions as you. See, for me, I was, uh, always very isolated, even as a kid. I didn't have many friends, and constantly, like, when I would have a friend or encounter them, they would do something to me that was completely—that was so bad, and then I was like, end up crying to my mom and stuff, and I would say like, "Mom, why would they do that? I would never do that. Why would they do that?" And I was really naive in my thinking, but my mom constantly told me, "Liz, people do not have the same heart as you. People are not the same as you." And I could not understand this until I grew up and I saw so many toxic, toxic people, and then I was like, "Yeah, my mom is right. You really have to get into the mindset of, 'Okay, other people are not like me. I cannot expect them to act like me or to do like—or to not do things that I wouldn't do.'" No, you have to be able to accept that, "Okay, they will do things that I don't like, and, and they will cross boundaries," but then how do I react to it? How do I allow them to treat me? That's the question you should ask yourself, because you have power over that. You don't have power about how they are or how they treat you, but you do have power over how—what you allow and how you react. It is a big deal. Like, most of the time when you are a people-pleaser, people will tell you when you get angry or something, or they cross your boundary or whatever, that you are overreacting, like it's not that big of a deal. No, it is if it is a big deal to you. What do they know? How can they feel your feelings? You are in your body. If you felt hurt by this or you felt that that was not the way they should have been treated, you, then yeah, that's fair. Tell them, "No, it is a big deal. I'm hurt by this. I don't care what you feel because you don't feel what I feel right now. You don't feel the hurt that I feel right now," so honor your feelings, listen to them. If you are hurt, then yes, it is a big deal. They have hurt you. It doesn't matter how small the situation might have been. Don't let them gaslight you into telling you what—what you feel is right or wrong. No, you know yourself best. You know your feelings. If this hurts you, then it hurts you, and you can honor that.
Another thing I learned is to look at people's actions and not what they tell me. See, in life I would hear a lot of, "Oh, this, I love you. Unless, I love you always. I'm your best friend," this and that. And then I was like, "Everyone claims to love me, but I don't feel loved by anyone." And it's constantly like—you have to look at how they treat you. Do they treat you well? Do they treat you with respect? Do they actually say to you like, "Hey, Liz, if I'm gonna do this for you," do they actually do it? If you need them, do they actually show up? Look at their actions; do not look at what they tell you. Because I'm telling you, I promise you, people will put words in your ears like—like it will be magical, like a whole musical they will make of it. And if you believe anything, then you'll be easily manipulated, and you will go down like years and years, maybe even stuck in a relationship because they keep promising you stuff. No, look at how they're treating you. What is it that they're actually doing? How are they making you feel? That is most important. Do not look at words. I do not trust words; I trust action. You have to start asking people when they ask you something that you didn't like or whatever, or they do something that you didn't like, then you have to start asking, "Why did you feel comfortable to say that to me? Or why did you feel comfortable to do that to me?" I start asking this question, and you know why? First of all, you will start to understand—maybe they'll actually give you an explanation as to why, or maybe you gave—they will say you gave off this vibe or whatever, so you can literally look at yourself and be like, "Okay, next time maybe like I should literally change that so people don't—don't do that again," you know? Or they will feel really embarrassed by what they did, and they will not give an explanation, and then you can also see like, "Whoa, this person does not have the right intentions with me." But ask people why they did what they did to you.
Another thing is start asking yourself, "Am I doing this for me, or am I doing this for someone else?" Like, for example, I one time I had like this one friend, and she basically—we were meeting up and stuff, and she was basically like gonna bring me to this guy that I didn't want to go to, and I told her already, "I, I don't feel comfortable with this person." But like, when I was on my way, she was telling me we're going somewhere else. Then I was on my way to the car, and then she calls me; she's like, "Yeah, we're gonna go to this guy." And then I was like—I was like shocked, and I didn't want to say anything, so I just closed the phone. Then I called my other friend, and then I was like, "Yeah, she's telling me to go there. I don't know what to do." And then she was like, "Liz, what do you want to do?" And then I was like, "I don't want to go there. I don't want to go to this guy." And then she was like, "Okay, then you go home." So then I was like, "Yeah, you're right." So then I called the friend; I was like, "I'm not coming," and then I told like, uh, the driver to go home. So then I'm at home, and then I started to develop this mentality of like, "Okay, am I doing this for me, or am I doing this for someone else?" Because if I had went, I would have went because she wanted to, you know? But every time I say yes to something when I really want to say no, I am saying no to myself. And what will happen down the line is I will become so insecure because I'm always putting Liz down in other—for other people to feel good and comfortable. But how does that make me? Makes me this big and small. And then in like future and stuff, I would be afraid to speak up for myself. So no, if now I'm thinking like, "Okay, they are asking me to do this. Do I want to do this? Um, no. Okay, I won't do it." Like, literally, you have to start thinking that simple. Do things when—when you feel like it's good for you. Do them. When you don't feel like it aligns with you and your purpose, you do not do them, no matter what they say, no matter what they want you to do. Do not push yourself down to make someone else go up. It's not your job to fix them. See, me, I constantly want to help people. Ever since I was young, I want to help everyone. Like, if—if you come to me with like whatever—I remember like, even one time, like, I literally—my last money—there was like this homeless person that came up to me. I had no money, and this was like my last money, and was like, "Yeah, please, I need it, like, I have a son," this and that. And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, she needs it more than me," so I gave my last money to her, but I didn't have any money, you know? But then it was like, you know what? The whole thing was I was so comfortable with like disrespecting myself and what I need in order to help other people, and that is not good. That is not good. And sometimes I truly believe that God, like, makes people go through stuff because that is their path. You cannot intervene. You cannot be a hero and try to help them because you're intervening God's plan for them. Stay in your lane. Sometimes you don't have to help people. It's not your job. It's—it's your job to take care of you. It's your job to take care of you. It's okay if they don't like you. People—not everyone will like you. You know, it's like—it's normal that people don't like—if people have different interests, people—they—they don't care. Some people are just general haters, you know? If you don't have friends, that's fine. Sometimes you can't fit in something because you're at the wrong place; the wrong people are surrounding you. Maybe you are just an extreme people-pleaser, and people are just like taking advantage of you—like my issue. So it's okay; you don't have to be liked by them. Do you even like them? That—ask yourself, "Do I like them?" You know? No, most of the time you will not like these people that are taking advantage of you or whatever, so why do you need them to like you? You don't need their validation; you have to start validating yourself, you know? And especially also if you're on social media and you're scared that people will not like you—whatever—people hate—some people hate on everyone. Like, you can't make everyone like you. Let—you have to accept this. My friend, she told me this; she was like, "Listen, there's literally YouTube videos of cats, yeah, catching this plane, and you will see hate comments under that." Like, some people are just bitter. Let them be bitter. It's okay if they don't like you. Don't prove yourself. The only person you have to prove yourself to is yourself.
Don't allow anyone and everyone to get close to you or to get to know you. It's actually a luxury to know you. That's how you have to think about yourself in life. Exclusive things are more valued. That's why you have—when you have exclusive brands, high-end brands, they're—they're like for a certain group only, and they're very exclusive. They're at a very high value because they're not for everyone. Not everyone can afford to be around them. You have to see yourself that way. If you just allow everyone and everybody to come in, like, what are you, a trash collector? If you just allow everyone and anyone to come close to you or to get to know you, people also realize that you are someone without boundaries because you have no boundaries of who you share your energy with, which is so sacred, you know? You are a sacred, uh, divine being, so protect yourself. Protect yourself from certain people. If you feel that there's a—a vibe that's off, okay, don't—don't get too closer to them. Don't let them get close to you. Like, follow your intuition a little bit about people. It's much more important to have quality over quantity these days. I have like one best friend; I have my sister who's my best friend, and I am very happy with that. I do not go around making lots and lots of friends, and then like—I don't want to be in drama or like reputation issues or like all this gossip. No, I don't want to. I want to protect my energy. I want to keep my energy for the people that I love, for the people that I appreciate and love me as well.
Practice saying no without explaining yourself too much. See, you—sometimes if you don't want to go somewhere, if you don't want to go out, you can just say like, "No, I don't feel like it," you know, to your friends. You don't have to constantly like give a whole reason why or make something up or one of your 10 grandmas died, you know? No, sometimes you just have to be, "I don't feel like it. I don't feel well." No, just no. Simple no. It's okay to say no, and people that actually love you will not get offended by that; they will actually appreciate it and be like, "Okay, fine. We'll tell you if there's anything that you need, just let them know, or if you want to talk, just let them know," but if you want space, then that's totally up to you. I recently as well started practicing saying no, uh, to friends and family, and honestly, there's literally nothing that was wrong with that. They didn't give me any crazy blowout like I thought it would be, or they would hate me. No, not at all. They're just like, "Okay, fine," like it's that simple. People are literally like, "Okay," they don't care, you know? So get that out of your head; then it will be a big drama. It will not. Just practice, practice saying no. Yeah, I know it's—it's a little hard, and baby steps, and I—that as well, but it helps.
Very important is as well to have time to reconnect with yourself. See, me, because I'm highly sensitive, I really need a lot of alone time to connect to myself, to literally hug myself and be like, "This is gonna be okay," and literally make me feel like I am inside of my body and ground myself because a lot of times when I'm around a lot of people, I pick up on their energies and like, you know, when you—you try to help them, you try this, and—and I can't help it, like, right—as if right now I still cannot control it—my constantly trying to help, um, but it's very draining. So then I go into isolation mode because I need to recover from all that. But now I've realized that I need time to reconnect with myself. I need time to do things that I love and take care of my—myself in order so that I can also be, you know, presentable for other people. And I just really enjoy like spending time with myself. I enjoy spending time with my cat; he helps me a lot with my emotions. Um, I just enjoy doing things by myself and getting to know myself better. So have time to do that. Like, literally, sometimes you sit—even with yourself and just stare at a wall, let your thoughts flow, write down, journal, meditate, all these things. It's very beautiful.
Last but not least is forgive yourself for the past times you've let people treat you badly because honestly, it's okay. Like, we're all learning. It's not your fault. Like, if we did not go through that, we would not have the wisdom right now on how to handle it. And I am honestly very, very grateful for everything I went through because it made me so wise. Like, literally, I know a lot about people. I know a lot about like how to handle situations, so I'm really grateful for that. Um, it's okay. Like, I forgive myself. There's no point in being angry at yourself. You know, my—my therapist, she told me this because I was literally like—I was telling her like, "Yeah, all this, I can't stop people-pleasing," and I was getting really angry at myself. And she was like, "Liz, the anger is not gonna help because once again, you are getting angry at your inner child who was manipulated into thinking that the only way she would receive love was if she did whatever the other person asked. And again, you are abusing her by getting angry at her." And she was like, "Liz, she doesn't need more anger; she needs love." And that's when I realized like, "Yeah, you're absolutely right. I need to be more kinder to myself. I need to be more gentle with myself and forgive myself for the ways I have allowed other people to treat me." And the only way I can do now is look forward and have boundaries and make sure people don't treat me like that, and little by little get where I want to get. It takes a lot of practice. Like, literally, I'm standing here today, I'm the Wizard Liz, I have millions of followers, and still today I have people-pleasing tendencies. I even had like recently a fan come up to me and was like, "Go stand over there; I'm gonna take a picture of you." And I was like—I was in my head thinking like, "I don't want to do that," but I couldn't say no. So then I stood there, and I—I like let them take a picture of me, and then I was like, "Why did I not say no?" And then the same day as well, I had like, uh, some person that I knew asked me some really inappropriate questions that I just answered because I—I didn't feel like I couldn't like not answer them. So then I remember my sister, she was—she came to visit me then, and I was literally standing outside—imagine—I'm like millions of followers at the Wizard Liz, I'm standing outside, I'm starting to cry and bawl my eyes out because I cannot stop people-pleasing and I cannot like stand up for myself. So it takes practice. So now, like, little by little, I'm starting to say like, "Hey, um, I didn't like this," or, "Hey, I don't want to answer your question," and honestly, I see that like I don't get a bad response or something from it; like it genuinely just normal. So yeah, it takes practice. So guys, like I said, we're all healing together; we're in this together, and, uh, yeah, I love you guys so much. I hope you learned something from this video, and yeah, I see you in the next video. Bye guys, bye.