Transcription
Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Breaking Chains: The Sober Mindset. Today is a very special day because not only am I celebrating 9 months of sobriety—Wow! Let’s go!
I actually found an old YouTube page of mine filled with some of my stand-up comedy clips from 20 years ago. So I threw together a compilation of some of the comedy clubs that I drank and drove to. That’s right, from Sacramento to West Virginia and everywhere in between. So kick back, relax, enjoy some laughs from an era where PC was just something you used to use for porn. And remember, you don’t have to get up to have a good time. I promise.
I was at a gas station in West Virginia. There’s a woman in front of me on her cell phone. I was… she was dropping, and she said, “Yeah, I’m at the gas station right now, but I just came from the library.” I was like, “Well, [ __ ] you need to go back.” So, got a little book called *The Dicker*. Look up the word “dumbass,” you may recognize the ponary. GED does not stand for GE, apparently. Your high school is a drive-thru. I don’t know.
Now, but I was dating this girl. She was super hot, but she had a stuttering problem, which isn’t a problem for me. But the first time we had sex, I thought I was doing a really good job because she was like, “Oh, [Music] get off my [ __ ] hair! What a [Music] bus!” Where are my dog owners? Where you at? All right. I had a great dog. It… oh yeah, I had a great dog. Had a Shih Tzu, which is Chinese for a dog who looks at his balls all day, apparently. Swear to God, this dog looked at his balls like they were chocolate-flavored, folks. I’m not even kidding. I’m like, “Buddy, take it easy. You come up here, you’re going to champ them,” you know what I mean? My ex-girlfriend’s like, “Rodney, give the dog a break. Like you wouldn’t lick your balls, would you?” I said, “No, Mommy, I wouldn’t lick my balls, but that’s disgusting. I’d probably suck my dick if I could. Let’s be realistic, guys, huh?” Not going to spend six months taking yoga lessons so I’m never going to teabag myself, you know what I mean?
Look, folks, I’m just saying, I’ve been in 40 states in the last six years. I’ve stayed in hotels all over the country. I’ve driven all over the country. The number one thing I cannot stand about masturbation is when the [ __ ] in front of his slams on his brakes. God, I hate that, ‘cause then you got to start all over again. Like it’s not hard enough steering with my knee and working the nipple at the same time. Then you got the school bus go by. Look, he’s hurting himself. Truck driver looking through the moon. Mind your own business. You… my buddy’s in the passenger seat and he’s crying ‘cause he’s scared. I’m like, “If you’re so scared, why don’t you grab the wheel and help me out a little bit?” [Applause] [ __ ] flip the pages in the magazine, you sick bastards. Folks, these are jokes, all right. Uh, you have a… yeah. Oh yeah, yes. All right. Declaw or not? No, no, he’s a dog. Oh, he’s a dog. Your cat’s a dog? No, he’s a dog. He chews on dog bones, so that means he’s a dog. Or he a cat that chews on dog bones? What is it? Oh, okay. He’s bigger than your dog. You have a Chihuahua and a giant momma lion, apparently. It’s fine. Whoever works for…
I remember the day I got my cat declawed because I just got out of the shower and I was butt-naked and I was leaning into the mirror. And you know how cats like things that dangle? Like that little bastard jumped up, grabbed both my balls like *Cliffhanger* was Stone. He’s like, “Never start spinning when a… John opens GBS on your balls, and also never marry a babe when there’s a kitten in the room.” I’m just… it’s good to be here. I just moved to LA, actually, from Chicago. I went to my first Hollywood party, and of course, there’s some pool bag back of the corner quoting Nietzsche. He’s like, “There are no interesting people in heaven.” “What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.” I’m like, “Well, apparently you’ve never had chia.” Right? Trust me, and I tell you, folks, it won’t kill you, but it sure as [ __ ] will not make you stronger.
I’m 36 years old, folks, and I’m still getting carded for cigarettes. Anybody have that problem? H guy CED me last night. He’s like, “I need to see some ID for those cigarettes.” I was like, “Buddy, I saw Def Leppard in concert. The driver still has new [ __ ] arms, right? I’m old enough to smoke.” I used to go to the mall, breakdance. All right. I used to wear parachute pants, ankle boots, and a bow tie. All right, that doesn’t place me somewhere in the ‘80s, except one of those Michael Jackson jackets. Remember one of them for the *Thriller* album? The 37 zippers in one [ __ ] pocket. At least you could hide your weed in that one pocket. Take the cops 45 minutes to go through all the zippers. [Applause] Where are my smokers in here? Where you [Applause] at? Now watch this. Now, [Applause] where are my nonsmokers? Shut up, you bastard nonsmokers! Yeah, you’re all nonsmokers, too. You get about 15 Budweisers in your house, huh? Smokers? Yeah, yeah. Then you’re smoking like a death row inmate waiting for the electric chair. No, it’s… smoke. When I drink, I’m a social smoker. Well, that would explain the burn marks around your mouth, there, Marg man.
Chicago, once again, this year, 2003, we had it. We… we captured it again with the murder capital in the United States. This year, we’re damn proud of that, folks. Matter of fact, New York almost passed us up in murderers. So I went out and shot a couple [ __ ] myself. Can I say I’m a team player? You know what I mean? It was an R. Kelly concert. I didn’t think anybody noticed. Just report the news. Worked a lot of odd jobs in Chicago. I was a comic, I was a bike messenger, car messenger, bartended for 12 years. I uh… was a driver for an escort service. True story. Five years of… associate’s degree, and I’m a ho delivery man. Poor girls. I worked at the haunted house on Navy Pier. I played the chamber master. Very scary character. I wore this big purple shroud, this big tall pointy purple hat, right? Supposed to look like a sorcerer or a wizard. Guys, I looked more like a gay Klan member. So confused the children whether to burn me or redecorate a kitchen. I had no idea you could buy anything on eBay, can’t you? And you can sell anything on eBay, too. I actually sold a house on eBay. It’s no [ __ ] it was my neighbor’s house. I didn’t like that bastard. Should have seen the look on his face when that Korean family showed up in the U-Haul. “Can I help you?” Like, “Yeah, that’s a house you from Gay Master?” My name kind of sounds like the Black Robin Hood, a little bit. R…ney Hood, the parent of the… I steal from the rich and keep [Applause] it. That’s right. Let the PO people get their own [ __ ]. You know what I’m saying? Besides, I’m stealing from the rich and giving it to the poor. What the hell does that make me? Poor and stupid. That’s what. I can just see Robin Hood getting thrown into jail. Two dudes come up to him, going, “Yo, man, what you in here for, [ __ ]?” You be like, “We… I’m Robin, the Prince of Thieves.” Like, “Mhm, but look at those green tights you’re wearing. Oh, you’re going to be the prince… all right… of all the th…” You can forget about Little John and Friar Tuck. You need to worry about Big John and… but you know what? Hey, that’s my time. You guys have been great. Thank you so much. He knows the Robie… guys. I’m here one more time.
Hey guys, thanks for sticking around. I hope you enjoyed those ancient comedy clips. And hey, if I offended anyone, just remember I was drunk the whole time, so let’s blame the booze, not me. If you haven’t already, make sure to like, share, comment, and subscribe. It’s like the sober version of buying me a drink. Also, check out my other videos. There’s plenty of content to help us navigate our sobriety. And if you know someone who could use a laugh or a little help, share away. And as always, remember, God loves you, and so do I. Peace.