Transcription
You're now tuned in to Mental Groove. Today we're breaking down another raw and unfiltered moment from the legend himself, Kevin Samuels. Hit that like button, smash subscribe, and brace yourself because this one pulls no punches. Let's get right into it.
Hey, how are you?
I'm good.
Good. Uh, how old are you?
I'm 33.
All right. So, can you guys hear on YouTube? Not the crossover. I know.
So, uh, why did you start following me?
Um, I started following you because my ex-boyfriend was actually following you and he told me that you give good advice and I started following you through him.
Okay. Um, why is he your ex?
Uh, we broke up because it was long distance and um I guess he's considered a high value man. He was or he is. There was a lot of options and just a lot of different things. Didn't work out.
Okay. How long ago was that?
Um, it ended last year. So, I've been single for a year now.
Do you have any kids?
No kids. I work in the federal government for 13 years. Uh, I make six figures.
You do? Wait a minute. You make six figures?
Yes, I do.
And you can't find a man?
No.
What's the What's the issue? What do you think the issue is?
I don't know. I've always wanted to talk to you.
Okay. Well, I'm trying to get my technology to work over here, but I'll still I'll I'll do it while we while we're going. What do you think the issue is?
Um, I think I go for the wrong type of men.
What kind of guys are you going for?
um like previously in my 20s like um I just feel like I date like either men who are unavailable or um I don't know. I really don't know to be honest. I moved I just moved to Miami which the dating scene is worse.
Well yeah Miami. So YouTube said they can't see you but that's okay. They they there's something wrong with this cord. So we're going to try to figure this out.
Okay. Why are you in Miami?
Uh, I just moved here because I wanted to be somewhere warm. I'm working from home co the federal is Miami is Miami a is a a relationship kind of city.
Um, I don't know. I'm just I'm starting to realize it's not. But I mean, there's still locals that live around here. Just starting to realize it's not. Yeah. Come on, mom. really. I mean, I just honestly I just wanted to be somewhere warm. It's not because anything of my I actually don't like Miami like that. Um, I'm just originally from Australia and I really wanted to like be living near a beach. Um, but I am realizing that it is a very like younger environment and dating is worse here, right?
So, why don't you leave Miami?
I am, but I wanted to talk to you because I don't know where you go to I don't know where to move to and like I don't know why I'm still single and I'm 33. I have no kids. Um I have a bachelor's degree.
You don't know why you're still single? You're 30. What do you do for a living?
I told you I work for the federal government.
Federal government. Okay. All right. You're not listening to me.
No, I'm listening, but I trust me. I got 15 things going on at one time, so you're good.
Uh, but when you asked your ex what was like being with you, what did he say?
Dating you with what?
He said that like I'm too controlling cuz Instagram like he would like photos of other girls and then we would get into a fight about that.
So, um, you would get upset because something he was doing on Instagram.
Yeah.
Why? Why did you know?
Um because I would see it it's on What do you mean I follow him on his phone?
Right. But why are you okay? So you went looking at his Instagram. Why?
Cuz we're in a relationship.
What does that mean?
That means you're in a relationship. Fine. I just I think transparency is really important and I think that like if you express to someone
You think what's really important?
Transparency.
Transparency. That's [ __ ] It's not transparency. You knows it. Did he have Did he have access to your Instagram?
I mean, he can see whatever I do. I don't do anything on it.
So, if you hadn't seen his Instagram, would you guys still be together?
Um, I don't know. I don't know. A lot of I mean, we were long distance. Long distance is hard.
Um, that's not what I asked. I said, if you hadn't seen his Instagram, would you still be together?
Hold on just a second. I got to grab a second. So, I want you to think about that. If you hadn't seen his Instagram, would you still be together?
Yeah, this is the J broadcast, people. We're going to have to get through it, though. Uh, where's that other man cage? There he is. You can answer the question. I can hear you. If you hadn't seen his Instagram, would you still be together?
Um, it caused a lot of fights, so possibly pos. Possibly. I mean, there's just more to it. Like, it's not just that.
Well, my thing. Okay, so you guys are long distance and you would check his Instagram. You didn't have to check his Instagram though, right?
I mean, I would see something like it's not like I checked it like it would come up and then I would see it.
Right. But my point is Okay, so here's a here's a school of thought. If you didn't go looking for stuff, would you find it?
No, I understand that. I think I think that is my problem.
Why?
Because I think you're right. I think I try like I find something wrong and then I'll like quickly cut it off.
Right. So, um, what man can do anything about that? If you find if you look if you go looking for a problem, you're going to find one.
Yeah. But I feel like there's like basic And if there's not one there, Yeah. But if there's not one there, you'll make one.
Yeah. But there's like But there's like basic things of respect. Like you don't like an ex's photo that you've slept with when you're in a relationship. Like there's just basic things that you don't do.
What does that No, no, no, no. You tell me what that means, though. He liked an ex's photo. What do you mean?
It sends the wrong message to that person.
That's not what it meant. That's what you say it meant. Is that ex in the same city? Does that ex have another man? What difference does it make? So if he if he had an ex who was a a movie star or a singer, he couldn't go watch their movies. He couldn't go listen to their music. He's going to write them off. But that's not the case. But that's not Well, first off, you're not his wife. So him liking something. Do you want somebody to control you in that type? Did Okay. Did he cheat on you?
I don't think so.
So, what the [ __ ] the point? You you you you tank a relationship because he liked the photograph of an ex of his.
I mean, like I said, there's more to it, but yeah, I think that when you express something to your partner like, "Hey, this bothers me." Then they should respect that or they should not do it again. If you're like, "This this is something that is a deal breaker for me or this is something that bothers you."
No, nobody should leave you. They should leave you. They should leave you. They should leave you because that's too damn controlling. Nobody has to put up with that. It's a grown damn man. He liked the photograph. It's a click of a button.
But it's Look, but hold on. But it's like it's like a picture of like a girl in a bikini and like He likes titties. He likes boobs. So what? Insecure. Why are you so insecure?
But what if you know that that person still likes you?
Why would you do that? So what? Why? Why are you so insecure?
I just feel like it's just a respect factor. And Okay. Well, uh, you can Hey, ma'am. You can be right. How about that? You're right. You're right. It's disrespectful. He liked the photograph of a woman. He used to kick me multiple times.
So what does it feel better to be does it feel better to be alone?
Right. Um honestly I think the question will come along like that.
No no no. See see that's what I always find interesting with you ladies is you never look at your behavior. You always want to put it off to someone else and then you think in the future the right person will come along. Who would that? The person that would do what you tell them. No, the person that will respect you if you tell them that this bothers me and then like they'll understand.
Why does it bother you? But okay, it bothers you. But man, it's not like he was bringing it into the house. You went looking for it.
I don't know. I think if you tell somebody, hey, this bothers me and then I know Instagram. I know how Instagram
No, listen. I know how Instagram works. On his Instagram, it doesn't tell you he liked a picture on another feed. You sound crazy.
I'm laughing because I understand what you're saying, but I'm telling you that if you No, no. I need you to stop. I need you to stop trying to be right. See, imagine if you lived in this world. See, imagine if you lived in the same world where your boyfriend, you didn't stalk his Instagram, did just happen to have a [ __ ] life and was and were secure and you didn't go check what he did or did not do anywhere else. Okay? Just just just I know no crazy world. You just didn't. Then you wouldn't know about it. And if you didn't know about it, you wouldn't have any kind of feelings about it. Then you wouldn't have to do anything about it. Then when you talk to him, you guys could talk about oh other stuff other than things you went looking for because ma'am, this is a pattern of behavior. You'll find problems. And here's the thing, man. You'll be right. And there'll be plenty of women that'll be like, "That's right. He shouldn't have liked an ex's photograph." But they're not going to ask you how did you know?
Okay. So, can I ask you a question? Um, if if that is like just small, don't you think that later on it can turn into something bigger if you just ignore something like that?
No. You're catastrophizing like most loner women. I'll stop it now. You know what happens? It's one thing that turned into you being single. And if you can't get And I want you to understand something. As a woman who lives in Miami, you make over six figures, right?
Mhm.
And you're 33.
Mhm.
Man, if you can't deal with your boyfriend liking a picture of an ex, you're not equipped to deal with life. Real [ __ ] happens in life. Babies die, diseases, deaths. real [ __ ]
No, I had a really, really, really rough childhood.
I don't Okay, but but that's not what we here for. We're talking about real stuff happens in life, in marriages, with somebody. And in order to have a life worth living, you got to get over some [ __ ]
Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure if that's the reason why I'm single because that aspect or is it like because maybe because my dad passed away when I was three and I didn't have a father figure. Um, but I don't know. But I am on this live because I am like willing to hear your advice and be vulnerable.
If you have to interview your exes, what is it like to Well, they would say being with you is blank. Fill in the blank.
They I think they did feel like I was controlling. They said I was sensitive, right?
Who wants So who wants to So is it a pleasure to be with you? Like we still have really good times.
No, no, no, no. I asked a specific question. Let me give you a different Is it peaceful to be with you at times?
No. No. Not at times, ma'am. Not at times.
Is it peaceful to be around somebody who is controlling and overly sensitive?
No.
Then there you are. Would you like to work for someone who was controlling and overly sensitive and then have your future and your income attached to that person?
Yeah, you would.
No, I No, I'm saying yeah, I see what you're saying.
Interview your exes. Well, I mean, I need you to Okay, so you told him that he looked at the photograph, but what did you do?
I mean, because we we heard about what he did. What did you do that was wrong?
That's what I I like I called him out on that and then he said that I'm too controlling.
I got it. No, I got it. That's what No, you respond to. What did you do to him? Not Not that incident. What did you do in a relationship that was bad?
Just the controlling part.
So, give me an instance where he was upset with you at something you did.
He's upset with me when I'm controlling.
I I I don't I like He's ups He gets upset when I'm controlling. That's what we fight about.
But you're controlling in reaction to something he did.
Correct.
That still makes you the victim. Show me where you're the aggressor, where you're the one that initiates it.
Um, I mean, typically it's always like a response.
You can't make it up, people. Man, you just you did exactly. You walked right into the trap. So, everything is fine. You're perfect. You just react to what's done to you.
No, no, no. I'm telling I get I know that's not but I'm asking you to be No, no, no. I'm asking you to be self-aware enough to know what your faults are. It's Thursday and things are going just fine. Then you do this or that and it something happened. Not you react, not you respond.
I'll be right. So, I'll bring up something like, "Hey, why did you follow this on Instagram?"
But that's still you're re you're responding to something he did. See, what I'm trying to show you, ma'am, is you're not even You're not even self-aware enough to know.
No, but I'm either you're notware issues where like I'm literally No, no, I do. I'm telling you controlling that.
Stop. But that doesn't give me an example of anything, man. Okay. See how you can keep telling me examples of what he does? Tell me what you do that he doesn't initiate. He's just sitting there being himself. And why I'm doing this, folks, is because women are never asked to be self-aware. Women are never really asked to see what they do. It's always, well, I'm this way because this happened. I'm that way because my dad went in. I'm this way. Listen, listen. Listen. I'm talking to you and I'm talking to the audience. What did you initiate? Are or are you saying that you really never initiate anything? It's just you're responding.
Honestly, I'm literally I also have a double psychology sociology degree and I'm literally trying what I'm what do I do that is wrong and the only thing I can react to something that he's already but it's but I'm admitting that I'm overreacting but I don't know when I would like just initiate out of nowhere. It's typically an overreaction to a response.
So if you so use that how use all that stuff you just told us you are your double psychology and all that if somebody was sitting in your chair saying you know what in relationships I just react to what they do I don't I really don't initiate anything would you say would you think that makes any practical any any sense
I initiate by like looking on social media I guess would that be no no maybe just sometimes you're just a [ __ ] without him doing anything.
See, the way you the way you've set set this up, go back and listen to what I've asked. It's been very clear and it's very it's it's to the point to where it's like, well, whatever I do, it's a reaction to something else. I'm asking where you're the first domino. You're not responding to something. Not you're not responding to a stimuli. No, you were the stimulus. I wish. And what I want you to understand is you're 33 years old, man. At 33 years old in any relationship or you, this is guys, they don't. And I'm trying to tell people that ladies, y'all don't ever look at yourselves as being the instigator. You're always the victim. Is that is that practical? Is that logical?
Good question though, right? I mean, I'm really trying to think this whole time and I can't.
Well, but the thing is you can't. But you can tell me what he does. And I can tell you that wrong. Say again. I can tell you that I overreact, but I I got that. But I want to put a but I want to put a period there and I want to start a new sentence. I want to start where you're the stimulus.
How long were you with this person?
We were only together for like six months, I want to say.
Okay. But in six months or less, we even went through But what I want you to see is there's there's a male and a female, an A and a B. And the way this is set up right now is B is responsive to what A does. B doesn't initiate. That makes B the victim. But that's not how relationships go. It's tennis. You do something to him, too. And here's the thing. Why don't you go ask him? Why don't you ask the exes? Because if you don't know, fair. You know, when we're together, what did I do? When was I the stimulus? Because if you don't know, I bet he does.
I asked him in the context of a relationship or in the context of when it's over.
No, all he said is you're controlling. Well, you But this is why you guys were together after we broke.
Okay. Well, um, ladies, I guess the ultimate point is you got you ladies need to understand what kind what it's like to be with you. And I get it. You're you got you make money. You're educated, but this is why I tell women that none of that stuff matters to us. It matters how you show up in relationships. I asked you, is it peaceful being with you? No. Then what difference does it make that you have double majors in psychology and this and that and six figures and blah blah blah? What what what does any of that matter if you're not if you're not what men want? Peace.
So you said you've been to therapy yourself.
Yeah, we went to coup's therapy together.
No, no, no, I said you have been to therapy yourself.
Yeah.
Okay. Do you understand? We all have issues. We all have issues. But do you understand your triggers?
No. I mean, I'm working with a life coach right now. Um, but I mean, a lot of it is your father.
Did your father die or did your father leave?
Yeah. He passed away when uh 31 from I was three.
Okay. So, you have memories of him, but he didn't Okay. Um, did your mother marry?
I was three years old. I don't have any memory.
Oh, did your mother marry?
She got remarried to my dad and he was not a good son.
So, what's your if you had to say this is my they did it right couple in public? Who's your relational role model?
Um, I would say like my aunt and uncle, but you know, their relationship isn't that great. But we don't believe in divorce because we're like Christian Middle Eastern and my family just stays married even
I want you to listen to every time I ask you. Okay. What about a public couple? I don't know your aunt, your uncle. What would I say is a perfect public? No, a public couple. I said they did it right. A public couple. I didn't mean your aunt and your uncle because I can't know them. Do you have a couple that you can point to to say I want to they did it right.
I I like my relationship to be what I know of them. Uh not really have anyone.
Okay. See what you told me is all negative. It's it's it's and today so many women can tell you what they don't want but you can't tell me what you do want. What is the model of they did it right? So right now even this conversation it's negative it's dark and any any decisions made in fear scarcity and lack reside in anxiety and stress and you and man or woman you bring all that to a relationship.
Mhm.
So if you don't think relationships or if you haven't seen relationships being good, you don't have anything to shoot for, it's all well, then how can anybody not fail with you?
Yeah. Um I I working on that with my life coach like um that's exactly kind of what we're
Do you want children?
I do want children. That's something we talked about like I talked to I should like freeze my eggs. Um I am well I just turned 33 like
So what's your longest relationship?
Um like a year
Were you guys living in the same geography?
Uh no long as well.
Okay. So shout out to the ladies in the folk group. You've never had a real relationship?
Most of my relationships were long distance from like east coast to west coast.
They're not real. They're not real because you're not close enough to relate. I mean, my sister got married from a long distance relation.
Okay, you could be right, ma'am. like but I do think that it's not for me and I do need someone in the same state that is something I okay we were doing good until this is the modern this is modern woman then I don't care if your sister got married relationships imply you're close enough to relate I had a history of doing longist relationships too because I had issues with being on being consistent. I had to deal with that because long-distance relationships are not normal. You just have to be on for a few days. But when Tuesday happens every month, so we get back here because you talk about what you want. You're in Miami, a place that's arguably fake, youth driven, not really a place for relationships. How do you expect to have find uh suitable potential mates there?
I told you I was moving.
Good. Good. Well, I would tell you this that, you know, um, it's not uncommon today that people do these short-term relationships, long distance things, but it is a hell of a lot different being with somebody consistently. Uh and and the reason I'm stressing this is because you you we spent the large part of our time talking about how you got upset over somebody liking a picture. How do you think you're going to interact trying to live with somebody 247? That's too much.
Really believe in living with each other before marriage. That's not I mean I didn't say live before marriage, man. I didn't put that in there. But I think when you're married, you put up with a not up, but like you cope with a lot more because you have that marriage bond. So I think that like you work through problems a lot better.
You can't even cope with a picture being like that's
Um, can I ask you where do you suggest like live or for me to move to since now I could live?
Uh, what do you care? What what is your uh ethnicity or racial preference of of a husband?
I usually African-American men and middle.
How tall are you?
I'm 5'2.
Dress size?
Uh, two or four?
Um, Dallas, Atlanta, the competition is thick, but there a lot of black men. Um, I wouldn't go to New York, LA, or Miami. Those are places I would not go. Dallas before I moved here. Dallas. Uh, I would say Houston, but Houston is high in finesse. Shout out to Houston. I've been saying that for the longest. Um, yeah. And possibly, strangely enough, Charlotte is moving up the rankings, but I don't want to say Charlotte for sure. Um, and then possibly DC.
Huh?
I'm from DC. I just moved there. I said possibly. I'm saying Charlotte and and DC is possible. I got to do more scouting there. But just from what I know, Dallas would be a a a a viable alternative.
Um Huh. I think you're right. I'm going to That's what I was considering and I just wanted your opinion on that. Have a good one.
She's 33, attractive, makes six figures, and lives in sunny Miami. But she calls into Kevin Samuels show confused. "I don't know why I'm still single," she says she keeps attracting the wrong type of men, guys who aren't serious, guys who don't want to commit. But Kevin sees through it almost immediately. First, he calls out the obvious. You live in Miami. It's a city known for fast living, short-term fun, and endless options. Kevin makes it clear. Your dating pool reflects your environment. And Miami, that's not where most people go to settle down.
Then the conversation takes a turn. She admits almost casually that she still checks her ex-boyfriend's Instagram. And that's when Kevin hits her with the truth. You're not single because of men. You're single because you're not ready to move forward. He explains that emotional baggage, even the kind we think is harmless, holds us back. And while she may be successful in her career, she hasn't done the work in her heart. Kevin points out a deeper issue. Many high-earning women believe that their financial success makes them more attractive to men. But men don't love résumés. They love peace, trust, and partnership. So Kevin challenges her, "Stop romanticizing the past. Start living with intention. Heal and then love. Because the truth is being single isn't always about lack of options. Sometimes it's about what you still refuse to let go of."