Transcription
Chapter nine. The role of consent.
Consent is not the absence of no. It is the presence of yes. Jessica Valente.
Consent is one of the most widely used terms in polyamory. It comes up at every play party and every book on the topic and in most workshops and for good reason. Consent is the cornerstone of healthy interactions among multiple partners. Understanding consent is particularly crucial as we navigate relationships with more people in our lives.
The complexity of consent.
When the eyes say one thing and the tongue another, a practical man relies on the language of the first. Ralph Waldo Emerson.
While the concept of consent seems straightforward, it can be incredibly tricky depending upon the context and the individuals involved. As someone who has violated consent more personally, and I'll share more on that in a later chapter in the book, I know firsthand that two people can interpret the same word, same action, or same experience very differently. There is your truth, my truth, and the objective truth somewhere in between. This subjectivity is echoed in literature on consent, which suggests that individual interpretations can significantly impact relational dynamics. To address this, we need to explore consent from different angles, starting with how to read consent in others and how to offer it effectively.
Reading consent.
Our bodies sometimes speak more honestly than our words by making subconscious little gestures that we may not even realize. Allison Tarlo.
As a single person, reading consent from another individual or group can be complicated and highly situational. The dynamics of a play space often influence consent in ways that may not apply to everyday interactions. For example, the excitement and novelty of a play environment may lead someone to consent to activities they would otherwise decline outside of that context. Research indicates that context significantly influences the decision-making process regarding consent as individuals may feel pressured to conform to the expectations of a social setting.
A lady on the street but a freak in the bed. Rowan found himself at a play party where a group of four sexy playmates invited him to join their cuddle puddle. They enthusiastically said yes when he asked to join and things escalated into a super juicy sexy scene. But the next day, Rowan saw them at a brunch spot and they merely acknowledged him with a nod. This awkward contrast was confusing and led Rowan to misunderstand what was consented to the night before. This scenario illustrates how social context can lead to divergent interpretations of consent across different settings, emphasizing the need for clear communication before, during, and after sexual encounters.
Single poly men often face unique challenges regarding consent. There's a prevalent fear of being perceived as coercive, particularly after being accused of consent violations. The stigma surrounding accusations of coercion can lead to anxiety and hesitation in sexual contexts. This fear can further complicate the negotiation of consent as individuals may overcorrect and avoid necessary discussions about boundaries and desires.
When is a yes not a yes? Nate found himself in a difficult situation after a condom broke during an intimate encounter. Despite checking in with his partner Melanie thereafter multiple times and receiving enthusiastic consent to continue, she later accused him of coercing her into having unprotected sex. This highlights the complexities of consent in fluid bonding situations and the need for ongoing communication.
Consent is not static. It can change based on circumstances, emotional responses, and the dynamic of the relationship. Continuous dialogue is crucial, especially in the context where the implications of sexual activities can be profound. Just because someone is a yes in the moment, doesn't mean that they are a yes 5 minutes later. If you're not sure, particularly in a situation like this one where there was a broken condom and there was a real shift in the scene, it's best to give yourself a few minutes to check back in later and make sure that you're still a yes once things have calmed down.
Ongoing communication.
Perhaps the main shift we need to do is to make consent the aim of every interaction, encounter, relationship, or situation instead of the more common aim of getting what we want and/or giving someone else what they want. Meg, John Barker.
To avoid confusion, we always ask for consent verbally with each new act, i.e. a cuddle and then foreplay and then sex. And ensure that you receive a clear verbal yes each time. Never assume that someone is a yes just because they were a yes in the past or because they were silent within the escalation. Research emphasizes that verbal communication is crucial in establishing and maintaining consent, particularly in complex sexual interactions. Effective communication helps to clarify intentions and desires, significantly reducing the risk of misinterpretation or violation. As the landscape of a sexual encounter evolves, so too can an individual's comfort level and willingness to participate. If someone is coerced, it isn't truly consent. Coercion can manifest in subtle ways, such as emotional pressure or social expectations, which complicate the negotiation of consent. It's essential to seek enthusiastic verbal agreements, recognizing that lack of a hell yes generally equates to a hell no. Affirmative and enthusiastic participation is vital to ensuring that all the parties feel comfortable and respected in their choices.
The need for open dialogue.
This is a message for anyone who feels wronged. Please consider discussing your feelings with the person who impacted you. Consent violations often exist in a very gray area and misunderstandings can often be resolved through open non-violent communication. Open dialogue can help clarify intentions, feelings, and experiences, which is essential in addressing potential consent violations. Establishing a culture of communication not only fosters trust, but also empowers individuals to express their needs and boundaries effectively. Furthermore, fostering an environment where individuals can feel safe to discuss their experiences after the fact can lead to better relational outcomes and reduce the incidences of consent violations. Engaging in non-violent communication encourages empathy and understanding which can be pivotal in navigating the complexities of consent and both casual and committed relationships. Ongoing communication is paramount in establishing affirming and affirming consent. By prioritizing clearer verbal agreements and fostering an open dialogue, individuals can create safer and more respectful environments for their sexual experiences.
The importance of emotional intelligence.
When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. inc.com.
It's crucial to continuously check in and ensure that you receive clear verbal consent and that you pay attention to non-verbal cues as they often reveal discomfort or hesitation. Non-verbal communication accounts for a significant portion of interpersonal interactions. And recognizing these cues is essential for fostering understanding and consent. For instance, body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice can indicate a partner's discomfort or eagerness underscoring the need for emotional intelligence in sexual encounters.
Practical tip: If you sense any uncertainty, take a moment, pause the interaction, suggest taking a breather, get a snack, use the restroom, or simply step away for a few minutes. This allows both parties to reassess their feelings and ensure mutual enthusiasm for continuing. Taking breaks during intimate interactions can provide individuals with the necessary space to reflect on their emotions and desires, fostering more thoughtful and consensual engagement. The ability to pause and check in can help prevent misunderstandings and promote healthier relationship dynamics.
In today's poly landscape, we must recognize that consent is not just about verbal agreements. It's about creating a culture of respect and understanding. This perspective aligns with the concept of affirmative consent which emphasizes the importance of ongoing enthusiastic agreement throughout the encounters. The current reality requires us to be particularly sensitive to consent issues, especially in a victim-friendly environment. Allowing space and time for interactions can foster healthier relationships and clear communication, ultimately leading to more fulfilling connections.
Check in with yourself.
The first step of consent is tuning into your own desire. Being able to feel a distinct yes or no in your system. Adrien Marie Brown.
Even if you're not in a relationship with another person, you're in a relationship with yourself. When giving consent as a single person, continuously check in with your own agreements and feelings. You want to ensure that you're aligned and a full body yes to any interaction. Self-reflection is crucial in this regard. Research suggests that self-awareness is a key component of emotional intelligence, allowing individuals to understand their own emotional responses and how they these may affect their interactions with others. Understanding your emotional responses and heightened sexual and emotional situations is interesting and helpful. Often when faced with a potential conflict or discomfort, people may instinctively respond with one of three reactions: flight, fight, or fawn. This triad of responses is well documented in psychological literature and emphasizes the varied ways individuals can react to perceived threats or discomfort. Recognizing these responses can help you to better understand your feelings and reactions during interactions and ensure that you are genuinely aligned with your desires.
Exercise the three bananas approach to a full-bodied yes.
To support us in understanding of fawning, a friend of mine at Ista and Ista facilitator Aaron Kleinerman recently introduced me to the concept of three bananas. Just like a slot machine, there are three identical items to signify a win. You should check in with your head, heart, and body to ensure that you are a yes to an experience or interaction. If any one of these is a no, then you're a no. This holistic approach is to consent can be beneficial as research indicates that aligning cognitive, emotional, and physical responses is vital for making informed and authentic decisions. Think about a recent time when someone asked you to engage. Take a moment to assess your full-bodied response. Write out the situation, the scene, and the other person's name. Then write out whether you were a yes or a no for each, your mind, your body, your heart. As an example, after a recent breakup, I found myself in a sexual environment with a couple and a single woman. I noticed that I was a full-bodied yes or three bananas, wanting to engage with the single woman, but my heart was a no to the couple involved. I honored my boundaries and communicated clearly that I was only interested in connecting with her. This practice of self- assessment and clear communication can empower individuals to navigate complex social and sexual interactions successfully.
Consent within the couple.
Consent and trust go hand in hand. To say yes to someone is also to communicate, "I trust you." Donna Ferus.
When discussing the agreements you want to establish with your partner, it's important for both of you to ask, "Do we both consent to this agreement?" This practice encourages partners to engage in open dialogue about their needs and boundaries, fostering a culture of respect and understanding. If either of you feels uncertain at any point, that hesitation should be treated as a no vote. This approach aligns to the concept of affirmative consent. The idea that uncertainty equates to a lack of consent is vital in preventing misunderstandings and ensuring that both partners feel secure in their agreements. Again, if you're not a hell yes, you're a hell no. This philosophy resonates with the idea of enthusiastic consent, which advocates for a positive and affirmative agreement rather than a passive or reluctant one. Studies show that when individuals enter agreements without full enthusiasm, it can lead to resentment and conflict in the relationship. Therefore, it's essential that both partners feel excited and committed to any arrangement they discuss. If you cannot wholeheartedly agree to an arrangement, don't consent to it. When one partner agrees to something they don't genuinely consent to, they're likely to breach that agreement in the future, leading to a cycle of mistrust and dissatisfaction. By clarifying your consent for each agreement, you can avoid unnecessary heartache down the road. Establishing a mutual understanding of consent not only strengthens the relationship, but also promotes individual well-being. Emotional and relational satisfaction is often linked to the ability to express and navigate consent effectively. Thus, prioritizing clear communication around consent can lead to more fulfilling and resilient partnerships.