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The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It. The book is written by Stanford University psychologist Kelly McGonigal. I have 14 great lessons from the book that will help you have more self-control and beat laziness and procrastination in all areas of your life. So let's get started.
Number one: Eliminate the reward system. Imagine you've just arrived home from work. You've had a bad day and you are so stressed. Well, you found out your wife or husband baked an amazing chocolate cake. It's on the table and you can already taste the soft dough, just sweet enough to match the creamy, melted chocolate sauce. You serve yourself a small slice first, and then a second, and a third one. You're feeling full, but maybe you can have just one last slice. You deserve good things after the terrible day you've had. Before you know it, there's barely any cake left. Have you eaten all of it? Oh no. How do you feel? Stuffed, guilty, frustrated? Probably all of them. But wasn't the cake supposed to make you feel better?
The reward system can be one of your greatest enemies when it comes to willpower and discipline. It's also a way that your brain uses to trick you. We search for pleasure and rewards even when the experience does not live up to the promise. A survey on stress found that only 16% of people who eat to reduce stress report that it actually helps them. Another study found that women are most likely to eat chocolate when they are feeling anxious or depressed, but the only stable change in mood they report experiencing is an increase in guilt. And if you're judging, just know that you do it too. I'm sure there's something that you believe that makes you happy, when in the end it only makes you sorry. Chances are this is is something you believe would make you happy if you could just get enough of it. Junk food? Cigarettes? Just one more episode of your favorite series? Does that hamburger really taste that good? Or in the end, do you just eat it so fast that you can barely taste it? When you get home with your new items from your shopping spree, do you feel as happy as you thought you would with all the things you bought, or worried about your credit card debt? And if you've procrastinated finishing that project and took a nap instead, how do you feel now? Happy and rested, or worried and regretful?
In addition to giving ourselves reward for past behavior, we also give ourselves reward for future behavior, which is even more ridiculous. For example, "I will spend money at the mall today, but I will not go shopping for the next 3 weeks." Or, "I will eat this dessert today, but no more dessert for the next month." These are just a few of of the white lies we tell ourselves. Always test the promise of reward first. If you start explaining to yourself that the promise of reward and reality don't match, your brain will start adjusting to the truth.
Number two: Don't exchange every good for bad. You've been dieting all day. This morning you had fruit for breakfast. For lunch, your plate contained a collection of green leaves and colorful vegetables. You skipped the afternoon snack and had only a cup of green tea. You're so proud of yourself that on the way home, you think, "It's no big deal if I drop by a pizza place and take a margarita home. After all, I kept up the good work all day long. Besides, I won't eat the whole pizza, just a few slices. I deserve a treat, right?" Wrong. The four slices of pizza you're about to eat will erase the benefits of all the hard work you've done throughout the day.
This is called moral licensing, and it's one of the ways you trick yourself yourself into giving in to instant gratification. It's a trick that your brain plays on you, in which anything that makes you feel proud can license you to follow an impulse. It's not logical thinking. The fact you didn't eat the whole pizza doesn't make the four slices you did eat less harmful. Being proud of the things you do or resist doing is great. The problem is using this as an excuse to do something that will harm you. Moral license tricks you into acting against yourself. It convinces you that self-sabotaging is actually something good. Ask yourself, do you use your good behavior to give yourself permission to do something that will sabotage your larger willpower goals? If you do, here's how to stop. First, avoid thinking in terms of right or wrong. Just think in terms of things that help you reach your goals and things that don't. When you think about giving yourself a treat for behaving, remember why you've been resisting. For example, if you want to buy yourself a gift to celebrate the fact that you've saved money this week, remind yourself about why you were saving money in the first place. Is the gift going to undo your previous efforts? Instead of getting you closer to your main goal? If it will, forget it and find a new way to treat yourself that doesn't count as self-sabotage. Remembering the "why" works because it changes how you feel about the reward. That so-called treat will start to look more like a threat to your goals, which is what it really is. Also, keep both eyes open for magic words that might give you permission to indulge, like "buy one get one free," "light," "organic," "coupons," or "for a good cause."
Number three: Be careful with the "what the hell" effect. How do you react when you disappoint yourself? For example, if you're on a diet and you end up having a big slice of cake for breakfast, what's your reaction? Most people in this situation fall victim to the "what the hell" effect. This means they feel so bad about this failure that they feel as if their whole diet is blown. So they tell themselves, "What the hell, I already blew my diet. I might as well eat the whole thing." Or, "What the hell, I already blew my diet. I'll try again tomorrow," and proceed to eat every junk food that crosses their path. That starts a harmful cycle of indulgence, regret, greater indulgence. Instead of falling for that trick, forgive yourself for the breakfast mess and promise you'll do better at lunch. Maybe you think that if you aren't self-critical enough, you'll never get anything done. But that's not true. Feeling bad will only lead you to be more vulnerable and less disciplined. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. Self-forgiveness is not an excuse; it's necessary for self-control.
Number four: Are you waiting for future you? Let me introduce you to two people. Let's call them You and You 2.0. You is prone to procrastination, has trouble controlling impulses, and doesn't like to exercise, eat vegetables, or do the laundry. You is really good at dreaming, but those dreams rarely get out of the realm of imagination. You 2.0, on the other hand, has no trouble with procrastination because You 2.0 has boundless energy for all tasks, no matter how boring or difficult. You 2.0 also has amazing self-control and can face down potato chips, cigarettes, and Netflix without a flinch. You 2.0 has opened a business and works happily for it in the mornings and evenings, and even pulls all-nighters. You 2.0 loves exercising and thinks sugar is nasty. If my description was accurate, you probably noticed that You is well, the person you are right now. Well, You 2.0 is the future you, the person you imagine you will be in the future. Future you is the person who will eat salad for lunch and dinner during weekdays and weekends forever, so that present you can enjoy a birthday every day. But he won't mind, will he? After all, future you loves salads and hates burgers. You probably know where I'm going with this, right? We treat our future selves like strangers. We act as if they will be completely different from the way we are now. The only reason you procrastinate and put off what you need to do is that you are waiting for your future self to show up, and you believe they will find the effort easier than you do now. Unfortunately, that won't happen. Future you is still you, just older and probably more tired. When you get to the future, your ideal future self will be nowhere to be found, and your same old self will still be making the decisions. And if you keep up procrastinating and giving in, future you is also in big trouble.
Whenever you feel like exchanging your future goals for instant gratification, ask yourself: What is the immediate payoff for giving in? What is the long-term cost? Is this a fair trade? If it's not, then why are you willing to do it? Why do you put the future on sale? See, every choice you make today is a choice you're going to make for the rest of your life. Oh, you want to smoke five cigarettes today? Okay, but how do you feel about smoking five cigarettes every day for the rest of your life? Does does that seem like the wisest choice? And if you catch yourself thinking, "But it's just today, tomorrow I'll change," stop right there. You already know how that works, don't you? You're using that as a crutch, just pretending that tomorrow will be different. If you don't make a change now, tomorrow will be just like today. Is your pleasure today so important that you're willing to have a lousy future in exchange for it?
Here's a trick to help your future self: Choose for them before your future self is blinded by the same tendencies you are suffering from now. Here are some ideas: Cook healthy food for your entire week. Pack healthy snacks so you don't find yourself hungry and looking for the easiest way out in the middle of the afternoon. You can schedule and prepay for anything you tend to procrastinate, such as dental visits. Set up automatic transfers to your savings account. Tell someone about the things you will do. Your future self will be very embarrassed if you can't keep the promise.
Number five: You only have one source of willpower. Let's say you're on your way to work and you pass by a bakery. From outside, you can smell the coffee and the sugar. You become tense, your mouth salivates, and your heart beats faster. You want it so bad, but you have that moment of hesitation. Should you go in? But you're on a diet. You remind yourself. You force yourself to keep walking, feeling satisfied with your self-control once again. You could resist it. Well, on the way back, better avoid passing by the bakery again, because chances are you won't resist it this time. The reason is that you've already worn out your willpower.
Think of your day at work and how many things you felt like doing but couldn't, or felt like not doing but you had to. Think of how many times you had to use your willpower during that long day of work. If you use your willpower, you run out of it. It's like you have only one one source of willpower, a big well where you get willpower from, a bucket at a time, until there's no more willpower there, and you have to wait until the well refills. It doesn't matter what you've used your willpower for. Studies show that smokers who go without a cigarette for 24 hours are more likely to binge on ice cream. So the important lesson is this: You only have one source of willpower, one single battery. You don't have a different willpower source for exercise and a different one for Instagram. Everything you do depletes it. Never wake up and spend time on small tasks, such as cleaning, responding to emails, or spending 20 minutes deciding what you should eat for breakfast. Do the most important thing first while your willpower is full.
Number six: You can strengthen your willpower. Willpower is like a muscle. It doesn't matter what you use it for, but if you use it too much, it gets tired, and then you have to rest a bit before you use it again. The good news is that just like a muscle, you can train your willpower to make it stronger. Meditation is a great tool to train your mind in self-control, because that's exactly what your mind tries to do during meditation. Neuroscientists have discovered that the brain is highly responsive to exercise. Ask your brain to do math every day, and it gets better at math. Ask your brain to concentrate, and it gets better at concentrating. Not only does your brain find these things easier, but it actually remodels itself and grows more mass and new connections. The key is to start small and slowly build up over time. Very often, people set big and unrealistic goals from day one before they have developed their willpower muscles. For example, several times I've failed on my diet just because from the first day I cut a thousand calories from my daily average. It was just too much, and as a result, I would end up feeling hungry at night and couldn't sleep. Needless to say, the next day I'd feel terrible and would eat anything that came across my path. The right thing to do was cut back 300 to 400 calories, but of course, I said to myself that 300 calories is nothing and I will have no positive impact, and as a result, I failed.
Number seven: Don't feel bad. Surveys show that women who are worried about their finances shop to cope with their anxiety. Yes, you heard that right, shop. They're just adding to their debt, which will make them feel even more overwhelmed later. So why do they do it? Because instead of conscious reasoning, what leads them to do that is their brain's need for instant gratification. They want to feel better now, no matter the cost. Feeling bad leads to giving in. It might not make sense, but that's how humans work. That's why guilt, self-criticism, judgment, and punishment are terrible strategies of self-control. They make you stressed and therefore more vulnerable to temptation and more prone to procrastination. So pay attention to yourself and your reactions to stress. What do you turn to when you're feeling stressed or anxious? Is there something else that you could do that could bring better results? What other strategies can you use? The author gives a few suggestions. She says the most effective stress relief strategies are exercising, praying, reading, listening to music, spending time with friends or family, meditating, and spending time with a creative hobby.
Number eight: You need to sleep. Research proves that being sleep-deprived is like being mildly drunk. How do you feel when you've had a sleepless night? If you're like me, the next day you feel tired, unfocused, and irritable. Your mind feels cloudy, and even the most trivial tasks feel like a struggle. Unfortunately, you're more likely to give in to temptation and procrastinate important tasks too. If you haven't been sleeping well or enough, chances are your willpower is very low. Not a surprise, since you need both focus and energy when it comes to sticking to what you have to do, and if you can't sleep well, you have neither focus nor energy. You also make poorer decisions, and some of them will certainly involve sugar, alcohol, and a lot of procrastination. Even if you can't get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, small changes can make a big difference. For example, if you couldn't go to bed early, not even once during the week, try to catch up during the weekend, or try to take a short nap during your lunch break. Even though this is not ideal for your health, it'll partially help to replenish your willpower.
Number nine: You need to exercise. When you meet a willpower challenge, you feel it in your body. Just think about what happens in your body when you smell your favorite food. Your body reacts so strongly that you become like the old cartoon character who floats toward the food, following the smell. Most people understand that discipline and willpower are mind efforts, but science has proven that your body is as important as your mind when it comes to developing strong self-control. Sometimes your mind is focused and you know what you must do, but your body is the one betraying you. You know you should clean the house, but you feel so lazy right now, and there's this backache. You know you've been drinking more coffee than it's healthy, but you're so sleepy, you need to feel more alert. You know you shouldn't smoke, but when you see your friend leaving on a cigarette break, your legs almost move by themselves to follow him. To fight your procrastination tendencies, you need to work both on your mind and your body. A healthy body will be stronger and help your mind resist temptations or move towards your goals. A great tool that will help improve your willpower is physical exercise. Actually, it's almost a miracle. A study conducted at Stanford proved that by changing only this one thing, getting sedentary people to exercise, their willpower in all aspects of their lives improved. It not only works immediately, making people more willing to act on their goals, but it also relieves stress and depression and makes your brain more efficient.
If you struggle with having the willpower to exercise, though, I have good news. 5 minutes a day are enough, and anything that gets your body moving does the trick. You don't need a gym. Gardening, walking around the block, walking your dog, dancing to your favorite song. As long as you're moving, your willpower reserve will improve. If you can find a way to do that outdoors, even better. Exercise and sleep are the two most important tools in order to have more willpower, and ironically, these two are the ones you'll probably end up procrastinating on. If you find yourself procrastinating to exercise or go to bed early, then try to think of it as an investment that will provide at least a 1,000% return in the future. To say it differently, exercising, meditating, or taking a nap for 10 minutes is like giving a $10 bill and getting back a $100 bill.
Number 10: Why you can't stop thinking about elephants. Willpower does a good job of controlling our outer actions, but it is useless when applied to our inner world of thoughts and feelings. For example, in the following minutes, don't think about elephants. As soon as you set your mind on this task, all you can think about is elephants. This is the result of what psychologists call ironic rebound. This is the reason why you can't stop thinking about bread or pasta as soon as you cut out carbohydrates from your diet. The harder you try to push away a thought, the more likely it will come back even stronger. So what's the solution then? Here are two solutions. Number one: Let your thoughts come and go freely, and they will stop hijacking your mind. If the brain is allowed to express a thought or feeling that it was previously trying to suppress, it stops obsessing over it. You don't have to act on your thoughts; you just have to let them wander through your mind and observe them. You stay present, watch, and accept them as they are, without labeling. This process is called surfing the urge. Number two: Most habits or behaviors are an attempt to satisfy some kind of need. It might be a need to have fun, reduce stress, or gain approval. Think about the habit you are trying to quit, and instead of banning it, see if you can come up with an alternative behavior that will satisfy the same need. For example, instead of telling yourself that you will not be late again, perhaps you should start telling yourself that you will always arrive 5 minutes earlier.
Number 11: You need to pause and plan. Whenever you have to make an important decision related to willpower, let's say when you need to resist a cookie, start by focusing on your internal conflict, not the external threat. There's something you want to do: eat the cookie. But you know you shouldn't. You know you should be eating fruit instead. This internal conflict is the threat, and the most helpful response is to slow down so you can focus. The goal is not to paralyze you, but to give you freedom and time to decide. This is called a pause and plan response, and it's a natural response of your body. One way to activate it is to slow your breathing down to 4 to 6 breaths per minute. That's 10 to 15 seconds per breath. Not difficult with a little bit of practice and patience. This helps shift the brain and body from a state of stress to self-control mode. A few minutes of this technique will make you feel calm, in control, and capable of handling the challenge.
Number 12: Willpower is contagious. Can weight gain spread from person to person as a virus does? Studies show that if you had an obese sister, you had a 67% higher risk of becoming obese too. They also found out that when a friend became obese, a person's own future risk of becoming obese increased by 171%. You've probably heard stories about people who started smoking because their friends smoked, or who gained bad habits from their spouses, so this shouldn't be such a surprise. But the truth is that we like to believe that our choices are our own and that we are independent, so we refuse to see how other people's behaviors can influence ours. And our self-control is not immune to that influence, which often gets us into trouble. However, it can also help us meet our willpower goals. Bad habits can spread from person to person, but positive changes can too. For example, you can find people who share the behavior you aspire to and get closer to them. If you're trying to stop smoking, hanging out with non-smokers will help.
Number 13: What would you say to a friend? Think of someone you respect and care about. It can be a member of your family or a friend. Have they been through any struggles lately? Have they had trouble with bad habits or missed deadlines? Well, it's a great thing that you could see them experiencing some of those setbacks. Why? Because it'll help you remember that willpower challenges happen to everyone. Now, suppose that person called you and said they're having exactly the same problem as you. They say, "I'm feeling like a failure. I was so stressed with work that I ended up eating a bucket of ice cream yesterday." What do you say then? Do you help them criticize themselves, or do you find ways to comfort them? If you're a good friend, I'm guessing you'll tell them that they're great and that slips happen every now and then to everyone. When you have a self-control problem, consider the words you would say to comfort and encourage a friend in the same situation, and tell yourself those same words. We are usually much more forgiving towards others than ourselves.
Number 14: You need a balance. In a very simple way, when you are facing a willpower challenge, two parts of you are conflicting. One part wants to give in to immediate gratification. The other part of you is trying to protect your long-term goals. You see yourself in a dilemma: smoke now or live longer? Watch my favorite series now or go to bed early and feel rested tomorrow? Gamble today or have more money when I retire? So, should we all always side with the part of us who plans for the future? Not always. Yes, people who have better self-control and discipline are happier. They make their dreams and plans come true more often, make more money, and have better health. But instant gratification has its place in our lives too. We do need to do pleasurable things and have fun in the present, and eating a hamburger every now and then won't kill you. Without desires, we'd become depressed. Discipline is about finding the balance between instant gratification and long-term goals.
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