Transcription
Every problem you face in life has one simple cause. You care too much about what others think about you. This concern for others' opinions is the root of your unhappiness.
Where true happiness lies is in the courage to be disliked. The world's greatest artists and happiest people move through their lives with a different mindset than most. The ability to make great art comes with the courage to be disliked. When you gain this courage, your art will transform overnight. Almost anyone has the ability to create great art, but most lack the courage to be fully themselves and the courage to separate their identity from the judgment and approval of others.
In the book with the same title as this video, *The Courage to Be Disliked*, the authors Iro Kushimi and Fumatake Koga explain being liked is part of being a good person. Most people want to be good. It's tied to one's identity of self. "If I'm liked, I'm a good person, and if I'm liked, I'm happy." Once you add approval into the goals that you've set against your own happiness, it can only be met at some point with unhappiness or resentment.
In this video, I'm going to explain the exact mindset and how you can gain the courage to be disliked. How you can build a fortress, an army, and a team of allies around your creative life that defend against approval-seeking and the need to be liked by others. I thought it was important to address this topic as, working with artists over the last 20 years, it's one of the number one things that I see them struggle with.
But before we get into creating the courage and building the fortress, let's back up for a moment and ask ourselves: Why do we seek approval in the first place? Well, first, from an evolutionary standpoint, humans evolved as tribal animals. In early human history, surviving alone was almost impossible. Safety, food, shelter—all came from being part of a group. Being accepted by the tribe meant survival. Being rejected or ostracized could lead to death. As a result, our brains evolved into reward systems: dopamine, oxytocin for behaviors that foster social connection, and then pain systems tied to different chemicals that punish social rejection.
A 2003 published study by Eisenberger and Lieberman showed that social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. This suggests that being liked, accepted, or approved of is not just a nice-to-have. It's a default setting hardwired into humans as a need because rejection feels painful, even on a biological level. And then, if you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, belonging and love sit right in the middle of the pyramid after physiological needs and safety. People crave acceptance, affection, and approval as part of their natural psychological development. Without a sense of belonging, self-esteem and self-actualization become harder to achieve.
From *The Courage to Be Disliked*, Kashimi and Koga explain that in one's pursuit of validation, new reward systems are set with expectations. These expectations come with a heavy price because you end up living according to someone else's expectations. When this happens, you sacrifice your freedom, your creativity, and your happiness. And the worst part of all this is you set up an unwinnable game for yourself, as this is an impossible thing to do. It's impossible to please everyone all the time. So, this is a game rigged for failure.
Many people spend their lives trying to meet others' expectations and, in turn, have expectations of others. And when either of those expectations aren't met, they become unhappy and resentful. So, for example, an artist works so hard on an album, pouring everything they have into the work. As they create, they write from a place of wanting people to like it. But if the album isn't received in a way that meets those expectations, the artist can spin out and go in a few different directions. And a lot of this is in the subconscious mind of the artist, but:
1. You resent the audience for not returning your expectations.
2. You start to reflect on yourself that something must have been wrong with what you presented, and maybe something is wrong with you.
3. You can start feeling like, "What's the point to all this work if there's no response?" And then that changes how you feel about making the art.
Many artists think that when they're making their work, they're taking a piece of themselves and making a gift to give to the audience. Almost like if you knew how to sew really well and you made a handmade jacket for someone that really only you can make, and you were extremely thoughtful in choosing the materials and colors and the construction, but then you give them the jacket and they either don't acknowledge that you've even made anything special or don't like it entirely. How would this make you feel? Probably not great. But what's interesting in this scenario is you haven't really made the jacket for them. You've made the gift so that you'd receive approval from them and, in turn, giving you happiness and the feeling of value. So, really, the purpose behind making it was to meet an expectation, and now you're disappointed.
So, the shift here comes when you switch from approval to contribution. There's a massive change when you look at your art as something that you contribute, and the contribution comes from expression. What's interesting also is that I've been blessed through the cult thing to work with some of the world's most recognized artists, and ones that I would deem to be happy and centered are the ones that write and make things for themselves first. They see making and sharing art as valuable, but they don't need the approval from the audience. They like the approval, but they don't need the approval. And this is part of why they draw the massive audiences that they do.
Now, all this might sound great in theory, but you probably have a lot of questions, and it's likely stirring things up for you. The main question is: How could you go against your own genetics and a lifetime of conditioning to just shift wanting approval at any moment? It sounds too easy. Well, that's what we're going to go through today: the exact actionable tools to build up and create a fortress and your army that protects your creative life from the invading forces of approval-seeking, comparison, and expectation. So, let's get into it.
### Building the Fortress
#### Section One: Foundations
The first step in building this fortress is acknowledging that approval-seeking is even happening. Whether it's conscious or subconscious, you're admitting to being in a game of seeking approval from others—either people you know, friends, or complete strangers. So, like any change, the first step is acknowledging that there's an issue in the first place and that you want a change to occur.
So, once you commit to the change, the next step is creating a process-first mindset. Most artists today are outcome-obsessed. They lead with the results: "How many streams will this get? Will it go viral?" The problem is that this is building your fortress on sand. There's no foundation. It's all based in others' opinions, which you can't control. If you shift to a process-first mindset and you fall in love with the process of making the art itself, it's no longer results-driven.
So, here's a tool to start adopting this mindset: After every session of creating your art, write three things that you enjoyed about the process. If there was joy in the process, then in that session, you won the game.
Next, define your "why" and how you measure success. You need to clearly define what success means for each project, for your career, for this month, for today. How do you rate if you're getting better, and if you're moving forward? Once you define how you'll measure success, it then just becomes about reps and learning. Whenever we work one-on-one with our clients at Colt, the first question I always ask is, "What's the mission, the why, and how do we define success?" These are questions that artists often don't think to ask themselves, and it's one of the most important things to define. These two questions are the north star to help guide all the effort and time that you're putting into the project.
So, for the tool, write a simple mission statement: "I create to _______." And before you get into any big project, read it back. For example: "I create and perform to feel more alive. By living by example, it may inspire others." This mission statement has you living for yourself, but also caring about the well-being of others and your impact.
Another tool: Before each project, write, "What would make this project a success to me, regardless of what anybody else thinks?" And the last tool: Create a calendar reminder where you're checking in with your alignment. You're tracking progress to see if it lines up with your mission. If it feels like something's out of alignment and you're not sure if you should or shouldn't do it, throw it against your mission. See what sticks.
Next step: Know thyself. If you know who you are, what you stand for, and what kind of story you're trying to tell, it makes the foundation of your creative fortress an unbreakable stone. I have a longer video on the Neighborhood Arts Supply channel that explains exactly how to find your story and then solidify what it's all about. And I also have another video that's about defining your overall identity. Both of those can be impactful if you're trying to define exactly who you are as an artist.
So, the action item or tool here is: Write your artist story and define your identity. This is a very deep process, and we often spend months doing this with our clients at Colt. So, time and effort should definitely be spent here. Once the identity is fleshed out, create a document that features the story and has the identity guidelines, and be sure to review this document often.
Through these processes, you now have the foundation, but it won't mean much without walls.
#### Section Two: The Fortress Walls
Your walls protect your creative energy from the outside world and its approvals. The first wall to go up is detaching self-worth from reception. Your art is an expression of self. Making stuff that you like, your art is not a measure of your value. If a track flops or a post doesn't work, it doesn't mean you are a failure.
So, here's the tool: Write this somewhere in your workspace where you can easily see it: "My value is not up for vote." Whenever you feel these self-worth feelings coming into your mind, repeat the same phrase: "My value is not up for vote. My value comes from what I do, not from what others think." Value should come from doing, not from results. Confidence is found in mastery, and mastery is created through reps and learning. The only person that needs to vote on your value is you.
Next wall: Safe space for practice. You need a space where you can create freely without worrying about how it's going to be received. Secret songs, sketches, experiments. The tool is to have a place where work folders, writings where you organize the ideas with the title "For My Eyes Only." Regularly create things just for this. It builds confidence in your voice. Create to create, putting up reps with no outcome whatsoever attached. But if something great comes out of those sessions, feel free to share it with the world.
Next wall: Mindful consumption. Your thoughts are a product of what your brain is being fed. If you scroll endlessly, you're feeding your mind a world of judgment, likes, ranking, and audience voting. Comparison is poison, and poison is toxic.
So, here's the tool: Before creating, block one to two hours of clean time. No social media, no charts, no trends. Go on a walk, meditate, listen to old music. Clear the palate of your creative mind. Let your ideas lead, not the need to be approved of by others.
These walls form the fortress, but the invading armies are still out there. And without keeping watch, those armies may eventually scale the walls.
#### Section Three: The Watchtower
Expression is the measure. When it comes to the art that you're making, the true win is simple: You've created something you love so much you listen to it over and over purely for your own enjoyment. Back to the analogy of creating a custom jacket. This time, you're crafting a custom jacket that becomes your favorite piece. You made it, but you genuinely love wearing it, and it's the first thing you pull from your closet.
Whenever you finish a piece of art, give yourself distance. Step away. When you return, ask yourself: "Do I still love this? Did I express something here that matters to me?" If the answer is yes, then it's worth contributing. So, the tool is: Before releasing any work, spend a few weeks away from it. If you come back and still love it, or love it even more, then it may be ready to share with the world.
As for the negative comments, haters, and criticism, build a watchtower. Create a system where you can observe feedback from a distance without letting it pierce your core. It shouldn't affect the decision of if you love it or if you don't. If your intent is true and you are creating for yourself, then outside negativity, which often says more about the critic than it does about you, shouldn't shake or derail your process. It's nice when others appreciate what you've made, but their approval is not necessary for your fulfillment in making it.
So, here's the tool: When hate or negativity comes against your work, have a journal session where you remind yourself of the game that you're in and why you're doing what you're doing with the work. By letting these random people dictate your happiness, you're letting them storm your fortress and take over when they have no business even being there in the first place.
And as a quick note here, I know that a lot of this is philosophy, and I'm not naive in the fact that you're trying to build a business with your creativity and art, but keep in mind that the greatest art that was done at the highest levels had visionaries who stuck to their guns of what they felt needed to be created. Valuable work can make for good business, too. So, think about it: Movies like the original *Blade Runner*, which was initially widely criticized as being slow and overtly dark, is now regarded as one of the greatest sci-fi films of all time. Or *Fight Club*, one of my personal favorites, didn't really perform all that well at the box office and critics called it toxic and irresponsible. It's now a massive cult classic, and its writings are wildly studied, and it's one of the most quotable movies of all time. And then *John Wick*, which has become one of the most successful modern franchises, was dismissed fully by the critics. They called it just another generic action movie. The *John Wick* property has now spawned a multi-billion dollar franchise. And music-wise, you look at albums like Kanye's *Yeezus*, which was extremely polarizing, and most critics found it to be low-effort and abrasive when it first came out. It's now cited as being the album that influenced so much of modern production techniques in the hip-hop and pop world today. Or you look at Avicii's album, *True*. Many EDM purists hated the country and folk influences. "Wake Me Up" was booed at Ultra when it first premiered, but now, love it or hate it, that album and movement is cited as a major moment in music history where electronic dance made its way to the front of international mainstream pop success. We look at the crossover of country and dance music happening today, and we can point to *True* as the inside incident to this moment.
So, even if something doesn't grab right away, or honestly, even if it doesn't grab in your lifetime, that's okay. If you love it and you feel it's work worth sharing, share it. Don't be tied to the outcome because you never know how things may age.
#### Section Four: The Drawbridge
Every fortress has a drawbridge—a gate that decides who gets in and who stays out. But here's the thing: most artists leave their drawbridge wide open all the time. They let anyone and everyone inside their creative space: critics, trolls, insecure peers, even family members who don't understand what they're building. And over time, those voices get inside your head. And those voices seem like you, but they aren't. Those voices are made up of others' opinions and our own genetic wiring for survival. And now those voices are in your fortress. Suddenly, you're second-guessing a lot of your good ideas. The art you originally loved is now "too weird" or "too different." Or then you think, "They"—and who's "they"?—"won't like it." And you shift your opinion. Suddenly, you're playing it safe, afraid to offend, afraid to stand out, wishy-washy on all your decisions. Why? Because you let the wrong people in the fortress.
This is why the drawbridge matters. You decide who has access to your creative process. Ask yourself these questions:
* Who do you share unfinished ideas with?
* Who do you trust to give you feedback?
* Whose opinion do you actually value?
* Who actually understands the art that you're trying to make?
And when you're defining who these people are, the fewer the better. In the early stages of creation, your ideas are super fragile. They need protection and they need space to evolve without judgment, without noise. And this drawbridge isn't about arrogance; it's about the survival of your art. The wrong voices can kill a masterpiece before it's born, while the right voices can help it become something great and something timeless.
So, here's the tool: Take inventory. Who's inside your creative space right now? If you need to, raise the drawbridge. Protect the fortress because your voice and your art is too important to be shaped by the wrong hands.
#### Section Five: Build Your Fortress Army
Every fortress needs an army. Not to attack, but to defend, to support, and to stand beside when the arrows start flying. Here's what most artists forget: Trying to do it alone is a fast path to burnout and obscurity. Even the greatest lone wolves had teams. They had trusted warriors, and you need yours.
So, what are the factions of your army?
1. **Your mentors:** Your guides, those who have walked further down the path than you. They sharpen your skills and expand your vision. They train you to lead your kingdom because they've done it themselves.
2. **Your creative collaborators:** Producers, writers, visual artists, creative directors—people who elevate your work and challenge you to level up. When we work with our clients with the Cole Creatives, we are on the front lines with the artist. We're aligned to their cause and what they're trying to build. And with our efforts, we defend the integrity of the brand. We're part of their army.
3. **Your mental fighters:** Spiritual guides, self-help gurus and education, personal trainers, or workout friends. These are all the people that help set your mind in a centered place. It's difficult to create greatness from a place when you feel tired, anxious, and overall you don't feel straight with yourself. Having people around you that help maintain the mental side of your creative life is crucial.
So, what's the actionable tool here? Start building your army now. DM that mentor that you've been meaning to reach out to. Find that creative director. Order that new self-help book, the one that you're actually going to read, and find somebody to be active with and somebody to help you with your mental wellness. I have another video on the Neighborhood Art Supply channel that's all about how to build out your creative team if you're interested in that.
#### Section Six: Find Your Allies, Build Your Tribe Inside Your Fortress
Not everyone's a soldier. Some are part of your trusted inner circle, part of your tribe. These are your allies. These are the people who see the real you, not just the curated version. They don't chase trends. They don't care about the clout. They care about you, your vision, your art, and your mission.
Too many artists surround themselves with the wrong tribe. It's often the wrong people that are around: It's the people who are obsessed with the streaming numbers, people who secretly resent your success, or the people that are pushing you to do something just because it's popular. Wrong people, wrong tribe. Your allies should challenge you from a place of friendship and love, not fear. They should be the ones helping to remind you of your "why," not pulling you closer to the herd.
So, your allies are the ones who:
1. Celebrate when you take risks.
2. They push you when you're playing too small.
3. They stand with you when a crowd turns against you.
Take a moment and just look around your circle right now. Who truly gets it? Who inspires you? Who believes in your unique voice, even if it's polarizing or it's not popular? Spend more time with those people. The right tribe can change your entire creative life. And because no matter how tall your fortress is, the right allies are the ones that keep your heart alive inside the walls.
So, *The Courage to Be Disliked*, which is what this video is all about, starts with the mindset of understanding that genetically you're pre-wired for this. But that doesn't mean you have to succumb to the approval roller coaster that much of the rest of the world is riding. We are artists, and the world is looking for us to express. It enjoys our expression; it needs our expression. But without finding the courage to be disliked and building the fortress around your creative mind, you may never be able to create at the highest level.
So, I hope this video inspires you to find the courage to be disliked and build your fortress around your creative life. And if you want myself or the Cole Creatives to be a part of your army, you know where we are.