Transcription
Foreign, let's go out to um Danny in Los Angeles, California. What's up, Danny?
Hey, how's it going? You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right. I'm just super nervous. And then I listen to your show and people were like, "I'm so nervous," and I'm like, "Oh my gosh, get over it." And now I'm super nervous.
Hey, well, now you've made me nervous. Now this whole thing's just gonna be a jittery.
No, it's all good. What's up? What's up? Um, wrote to YouTube. Um, want to be a horrible wife and I try not to be a horrible wife, and it's like I don't realize I'm being a horrible wife. So I've already like done it. And, um, yeah, I just could use some insight about that.
Tell me how you're a horrible wife.
Um, I'm just like super dismissive of my husband. And I speak to him like really like cold. And like, I don't know, I'm just not kind to him. And I don't, I don't know why. Like, I don't know how can I say it? Like, I don't know, I'm just not kind to him. Like I'm very like short with him. And I don't have a lot of patience. And even when he's like playful, like I'll think in my mind, like, you know, react, be playful as well. And then instead, I'll be like, rude. And then I won't even see that I'm being like rude to him until hindsight. I'm like, "Oh crap, that was like really mean." And sometimes I even like cry and like apologize to him, you know? And, you know, he accepts my apology. We've been like friends for literally 18 years. But I feel like it's beating him down. He literally has like some gray hairs now. And then I feel guilty. Like, those are my gray hairs, you know? Like I did that. Yeah. And, um, I don't, I don't want to be that person. I feel like I'm sabotaging my marriage, like literally. And then I don't know how to stop because I don't see that I'm doing it until after I've done it.
Number one, dude, husbands across the country are cheering as they're listening to this. Um, and here's why. Here's why. After 18 years, it's hard to look in the mirror and say, "Oh, dude, what if I'm the problem?" Right? Like, what if I'm contributing something significant to this? So, dude, high five to you. Way to go, Danny. Um, so, and let's be honest, um, you and I could dig into your backstory for a while. That's hard to say out loud, what you just said, isn't it? Um, you know, and it's, I can't, I'm kind of, I want to say I can't, but it hasn't been, it's surrender. That's what you're doing is not working. How about that?
Yeah, exactly. So often when somebody walks me through a story like you just did, there are some deep, deep roots in that that type of response. Either you grew up in an abusive situation or a chaotic situation or a situation where you had to run this show. And some, or you were asked to run the show.
Tell me about growing up. What was it like?
Well, that's crazy that you said about running the show because that's, I feel like I have to keep everything together. Um, because, okay, so my dad was an alcoholic. Like, RIP. Um, but, um, yeah, he was. And I don't know, my mom was just like, really like passive about it. She didn't really stop him from being chaotic. Like he wasn't like physically or abusive like that, but he would like rage out and just kind of just cause a really hostile home environment. And my mom was like, really passive. She was just like, quote unquote, keeping the peace.
But listen, you are not gonna, you're not gonna be her. Just just die, right? You're not going to be her.
Right. I'm not gonna. Yeah. But not even, not even just die. Just like, how could you let someone like be crazy like that, you know? And so as a kid, I would like literally go like toe-to-toe with my dad. Like he never like hit me or anything crazy, but I'd be like the one arguing, like, "Hey, like you can't be screaming like that." Like, I would literally like be a little girl like telling my dad, like, "Cool it." Like, you know, because he would bring all that negative energy into the whole. I thought my mom would be like, "No, go to your room. We have to keep the peace." And it's like, bro, listen here. Listen to me, dude.
Sorry. No, no, don't be sorry. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of you and I'm heartbroken for you because I got a seven-year-old little girl right now and I'm just picturing her having to stand up to me and it breaks my heart because that wasn't your job, man. That was your dad's job. That was your mom's job. And at the same time, when you have that little girl fighting, there's also a huge part of that little girl's heart wondering, "What is so bad about me and Mom that you have to be like this?" Or when Dad's seven beers in and he's sitting on the couch and he's right there but he's not present. And you're wondering where he is. Kind of like a dad staring at a cell phone. And I want you to internalize what I'm about to tell you. Your nervous system, this is part of your wiring, has equated love with that man as a fight. And so when you lean into love your husband, your body has one path that it follows. That is fight. That is war. And you can tell yourself, "I'm entering into a space of love with a guy that I love, the guy that treats me right, the guy that shows up. He's goofball, of course, but man, he's awesome." And you get right at him and then war begins. Am I onto something?
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
So what you're gonna have to decide to do, and it's nothing short of completely changing how you interact with the world. Sometimes on the show, I tell people, like, "Man, this is as simple as you guys got to do this and this," and then it's, you can clear this thing up. Whatever this thing is for you, Danny, this is going to be a radical change of how you interact with yourself and how you interact with the world. And here's what's scary about what I'm asking you to do. This is what kept you alive as a kid. This is what kept your house safe. And I'm asking you to put the sword and the shield down. And you are going to feel totally exposed. And it's gonna feel terrifying. It's gonna feel scary because the only way your body knows safe is war. But you said it perfectly. And you said something powerful. But I want to, I want to one-up you. Is that cool?
Oh, of course.
You said you've been with this guy for 18 years. At this point, he's a part of you. Right? Your heart's beat together. Your lungs breathe together. Y'all are, y'all are together. And he knows you. And he loves you. He loves how fire you are. He loves all that. And you said, "I feel like I'm beating him down." Can I one-up you on that? I feel like you're drowning, my friend. Danny, I think you're tired of this too. Is that fair?
Extremely.
So I want to tell you something crazy. Okay? Um, our childhoods were different. My dad was an alcoholic, but I did have some, a lot of chaos and I did have some, some heavy things. Only recently within the past year have I done some work with a counselor who knew what she was doing. That my body has stopped fighting everything. I'm a pretty peaceful guy. I laugh all the time. Just a goofball. I'm late to everything. Just kind of like making my way through the world, right? But I didn't know that my body was going and churning and fighting all the time. All of the time. And I track my heart rate. My heart rate variability has escalated significantly. My heart's beats per minute have gone down. That's a body that is no longer at war. Can I, can I spin the machine up if I have to? You damn right I can. But I don't have to. Are you in on that?
Yes, for sure.
Danny, I fall asleep with no medicine. I just fall asleep because I'm tired at night. My wife and I went on a long, long vacation recently. And a couple days in, we had the obligatory fight. And then I was like, "I just want to go home." But I'm already here. And we worked it out. And we had an amazing vacation. Can you imagine that?
Yeah. I, I can. I feel like I get my own way a lot.
But why? What does that get you?
It gets you nothing. Um, just like shame. Like, "Oh, that's right."
But listen, that seven-year-old little Danny had to get her way or somebody got hurt. And so it's not wrong that your body's wired for that. But the thing that kept you alive as a kid is going to destroy everything as an adult. I'm gonna do a couple of things for you, okay? Number one, I'm gonna send you, free of charge, um, both of my books, "Own Your Past, Change Your Future," and I'm gonna send you my brand new book, "Building a Non-Anxious Life." Okay? But you gotta promise me you'll actually read them. And I'll send you the audiobooks too. Um, that way, if you're not a reader, you can just put them in your headphones and listen. But you gotta work through the exercises in the back, okay? At the end of each chapter. That's number one. Number two, you have to get a, some sort of cheap journal. Okay? Go to Walmart, get one. Go to Walgreens, get one. Um, get a really fancy one off the internet. I don't care. But what you have to begin doing in real time is you have to begin challenging those thoughts. That I have to. Whenever you say the words, "I have to," or "I have to keep it all together," ask yourself, "Or what? Or what happens? We're five minutes late. We missed the first quarter. Is that worth my marriage?" Or are we the burger place that we want to eat is full, and so we gotta go get chicken? I mean, is that, is that it? And so every time you think to yourself, "I have to," I want you to stop. It's gonna take, it'll be an annoying 30 to 60 days doing this. You're gonna catch yourself and you're gonna be stunned at how awful you talk to Danny. Because you're mean to her, aren't you? You gotta stop. So I want you to reframe this sucker as, "I'm not trying to not be a horrible wife. I'm trying to build a life that is at peace so that I can love this goofball with all the love that he's worth, right?"
Yes, most definitely. And like, I don't want to show that to my kids. I'm so blessed to be talking to you because like, my kids are super, super little. And, um, I'm hoping that, you know, I can get it together before it can cause like an issue like in my family.
So let me, let me tell you this. I've talked about this on the show a lot, but I'm gonna tell you just personally, okay? And then I'm gonna let you go. I want to hang on the line and I want you to, uh, where to get these books sent out to you. Um, of an amazing savant. Um, and I'm gonna say that because I'm a parent. I'm saying that because I've been an educator for a long time. I got a really savant, brilliant little girl. She's seven. And I got a son who's humongous. He's very, very tall for his age. And my daughter's very small. And, um, you know this as well as I do, that hugs from your kid are healing. They're therapeutic, right? And my daughter, it was really when I would pick her up, she would get real rigid. This is when she's five or six. We're having full conversations, laughing, going fishing together, but I would try to hug her. She would duck and move and bob and weave. She had a whole system. And I thought something was wrong with me. I thought something was wrong with her. I thought something, I didn't know what the deal was. It's so weird. My son will hug anytime. He's super, super into hugging. And then my wife mentioned it. My counselor mentioned it. I did some reading. My daughter's body had recognized, "I'm not safe." There's some sort of internal churn, internal reactor. It's hot. I never scream in my house. I don't swear in my house. I don't hit anybody in my house. But my daughter could feel her tiny little body could sense that guy's not safe. And I want to tell you, you probably have one of, you've got several kids. You got one of them that's like that. And you got one of them that is super, super clingy. Does that sound right?
Well, I have one. I'm gonna have another one next week.
Oh, wow. You're in it now. Awesome. Which one is your other one?
He's two.
Okay. Is he super, super clingy or is he running around?
He's all over the place.
Okay. All right. Often, little kids, one of them will feel like it's their job to make sure Mom and Dad are okay. No, no, no. The other one. Yeah, I know. The other one will try to make sure that, um, they don't get near Mom and Dad, even though they're trapped in the same house. I wanted you to know on the other side of this, on the other side of healing, I can't keep my daughter off me anymore. She's like a monkey. She curls up in my lap. She's on me all the time. And I can't tell you what a gift it is. And why do I tell you all that? Not because I'm special. I promise you, I promise you, Danny, I'm not a mess. I'm telling you that because if you'll follow the steps, especially in "Building a Non-Anxious Life," you'll follow the steps in this book. If you will walk it through and choose freedom and find what places where you can challenge your thoughts, you'll probably have to see a counselor. Man, you had a tough, tough grown-up with an alcoholic. It's tough. You make some of these choices on a daily basis, sometimes a weekly basis. Your whole system will slow down. Your whole system will stop being so stressed and anxious. And that will allow you to engage in another way that's not war. That's not fighting. It might be goofy. It might be silly. You're still going to be you. You're still going to roll your eyes. You're still going to be like, "Oh my gosh." But that edge will be off. And maybe you won't be so hateful and not so spiteful. And you won't feel so much shame about Danny. Here's the deal. Danny's been fighting fights for a long, long time. It's time to set down the sword. Set down the shield. And look at this guy and say, "I love you. Do you love me too?" And let them love you for a change. Don't nag. Don't whine. They don't complain. Just let them love you for a change. We'll get there. We'll get there. I'm proud of you, Danny. This is the moment when everything changes.