Transcription
Today we're peeling back the layers of two worlds that seem miles apart but actually have a lot in common. We're diving deep into the heart of BDSM and the tradwife dynamic, and we'll see what happens when the discipline structure of BDSM meets their traditional domestic ways of the tradwife lifestyle. Welcome to the Dom Subl podcast.
So first things first, we really need to understand the BDSM lifestyle and and the tradwife lifestyle. So obviously, if you are following me, you are probably familiar with BDSM, or else why would you be following me? But just as a little refresher, BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism. And the BDSM lifestyle really just highlights, you know, consent, communication, and negotiation. Those are like the main foundations. And there's always that saying in the BDSM community, SSC: safe, sane, consensual. I know not everybody, you know, agrees with the SSC, but that has been what we've been saying for like, ever. Safe, sane, consensual.
So then we have the tradwife lifestyle. And if, if you don't know about this yet, it's a traditional dynamic, um, with traditional gender roles, um, and submission. And it's all just in this marital context. So the, the wife is the submissive partner, and the husband is the dominant partner, just by default. So in this episode, we're not going to shame any dynamic. Maybe you are interested in the tradwife dynamic, and maybe you're starting to get into BDSM, or maybe you're already into BDSM and you're a little curious about this tradwife dynamic. So we're going to break things down and show some of the similarities and some of the differences too.
So if you don't know what the tradwife lifestyle is, um, it's becoming really popular on things like TikTok, Instagram, um, where, you know, usually young women, young wives are kind of just promoting this traditional way of life. And it's kind of a coincidence, but this lifestyle became really popular after Roe versus Wade was overturned. So Roe versus Wade was the, you know, federal law that was establishing, um, the right to an abortion. And so after that was overturned, coincidentally, we also saw the tradwife lifestyle start to pick up. I think too, it had something to do with the pandemic kind of starting to be over. You know, during the pandemic, a lot of us were staying at home, baking bread. Um, I know during the pandemic, I got really into gardening and suburban homesteading, me and my husband did. So, um, I think it came out of that too.
So when I first heard about the tradwife dynamic, I honestly had to stop and think, am I a tradwife? Like, am I, is that me? Because on the surface, um, it kind of was seen seeming that way. Because so a little after me and my Dom got married, we got, we've been married for like 20 years. We got married young. So that's another traditional thing we did, you know, got married really young. And in the very beginning, I quit my job. Um, we both decided that he actually was the one that brought it up, that he would rather me stay at home. That, um, it just seemed better for our dynamic for one of us to stay home. And it just made more sense for me to stay home because he had the higher paying career, the one that had medical benefits and pension. So it just made more sense. And we did kind of like traditional gender roles. Um, so we ended up having two kids. That's another part of this tradwife lifestyle is that it encourages childbearing. And so we had two kids, and the kids stayed home with us, and I even homeschooled them. And, you know, like I said before, I'm really into gardening and just, you know, living traditionally as much as I can. Um, obviously, there's, you know, some necessities I, I will never give up. But, um, yeah, I try to live, you know, traditionally, um, make food from scratch as much as I can.
But so on the surface, it kind of looked like I was a tradwife. And again, not to shame any dynamics, but I was like, this is a little unsettling. Like, am I just contributing to the stereotype? And I already know that, you know, as a BDSM educator, that just the fact that I am a woman who's a submissive and my husband who's a Dom, you know, that we have those traditional gender roles, that that is kind of very stereotypical. And I don't want to alienate anyone because of that. And with the tradwife lifestyle, too, there's also religious aspects of that. That's like one of the main contributors too, is people wanting to go back to more conservative, you know, religions and things like that. So there's just all these different factors that have like come to a head with this tradwife lifestyle. But I think that people just really want power exchange in their dynamics. I think we're seeing that need. And so instead of turning to things like kink and BDSM, you know, because there is the kink of the 1950s domestic service, um, I think instead of turning to those things, that's where people started turning to the tradwife lifestyle. Because let's be real, there's a lot of taboo with BDSM. Like you can't tell your parents, you know, "Yeah, me and my husband, we do BDSM." You know, it's, it's more acceptable to say that we are trying to live a traditional lifestyle. And so I think instead of people learning about BDSM and kink, they're just defaulting to this tradwife lifestyle. And again, if you're on Instagram or TikTok, you kind of, you're exposed to it, um, all the time. You know, these women, they, you know, wear their full-blown dresses even though they're just staying, you know, home, and a full face of makeup even though they're just staying home, you know, while they're making cookies and bread and things like that, and cleaning the house. And it's kind of like this, "I Love Lucy" dynamic. But, um, you know, again, there's nothing wrong with that if you want it. But there is some things you have to consider. And so that's what we're going to get into.
But I want to first kind of talk about why BDSM is so appealing and why I recommend it so much, um, over the tradwife lifestyle, and why I got started in it. Um, there's just so much psychological and emotional benefits of BDSM, things that have been, you know, studied and tested with, you know, even psychologists of seeing the benefits. There's empowerment, there's trust, there's deepened relationship dynamic. So it just, it's really, really such a, a positive thing, um, in not only a person's relationship, but also in their own life. And I see that in my own dynamic. You know, we have equality, respect, um, a ton of communication. So it's just really benefited our marriage, um, than I would have ever thought, uh, you know, just a traditional dynamic would have. Because in a traditional dynamic, there, there is no negotiation. It's, you know, the only conversation you really have is maybe before you get married, and, you know, usually the man says, you know, "I want a traditional woman," you know, "a nice conservative woman." And the woman says, you know, "Okay, that sounds good to me." Um, and it's just, if you're a woman, you're the submissive. If you're a man, you're the dominant. In this dynamic, there's no negotiation. You know, me and my Dom, we had so much communication. We created a contract. You know, in BDSM, there's contracts. There, there's no contracts in a tradwife dynamic. Um, and if you need a free contract, go ahead and go to DomSub.com/contract. I'll help you out there. But it's just kind of a, a given. And if you know, you don't like it, then, you know, tough luck.
So, you know, even in tradwife dynamics, there is corporal punishment in a lot of these, where, you know, the husband can spank their wife. And yes, I have spankings and punishments in my own dynamic, but again, it's negotiated. We have weekly check-ins where my Dom will ask, you know, "Is this still working for you? Do you need, um, you know, less intensity, more intensity? Do you need, you know, me to step up as a Dom for you? Um, like, what are you needing? What are you wanting?" Um, so there's, there's no talk about that. You know, it, it, in a tradwife dynamic, you know, a woman can't say, "Well, you know, actually, I want a break this week, and, you know, I don't feel like cooking. I don't feel like cleaning." You know, they can't do that. It's like, tough luck, that's your role. You know, maybe they'll hire out help for that week if you get sick, but, you know, or enlist relatives, but, um, that's just the way it goes. But BDSM is just so, so empowering, even as an individual. And there's so much self-discovery that goes, you know, into it. And unlike tradwife dynamics, there is no, you know, practice of safety, consent. There's no safe words. Um, so even though you're having punishments, it's, you know, there's no, there's no boundaries or safeguards or limits around those. And, you know, to be honest, there was a, a reason why this was how things were in the 1950s, but we've kind of moved away from that as a society because we see that it's not healthy, that it is very oppressive, that, even if you go into a relationship like that with the best intentions, you know, power can corrupt, and there's no safeguards in place. And the other bad thing, um, is again, it's just kind of a given that if you're a woman, that this is your role. Um, there's no, there's no choice. Um, you know, I think a lot of this too was brought on by the show, "The Handmaid's Tale." I love that show. I'm not going to give any spoilers. Definitely watch that show, especially like if you're into BDSM, there's like some overlap. It is very interesting. Um, but in that society, in the society of Gilead, it's, it's kind of like they figured, you know, that this is the best way to run a society. And maybe on the surface, it is, as long as everybody, you know, consents to it and wants that for them. There's so many BDSM relationships where the man is the submissive and the woman is the dominant, and those are just as healthy, um, and just as fulfilling. But when you have this default way, um, it's not going to be good for everybody. It's going to be very, very oppressive.
So one thing I love about BDSM is just how accepting it is, and, um, especially of the LGBTQ+ community. And the BDSM community and that community have just like really gone hand in hand of how accepting they are of each other. They're very intertwined. Um, and so we see this spectrum even in BDSM. And, you know, you don't have to be just a Dom or sub. You can be a switch, you can be a master, you can be a brat, you can be, um, a slave. So you can be whatever you want to be, and you can change it too. So that's just so different than how the tradwife dynamics have these fixed gender roles. And if you watch these women that are, you know, doing these things, they are pretty much all white. Also. And so in the BDSM community, you know, we're very accepting for the most part of different, you know, races, nationalities. But in the tradwife lifestyle, not so much. You know, you know, go look for yourself, and you'll see.
Another thing is, they are all very, very rich. So they may be telling you like, "Oh, I'm a stay-at-home wife," or "I'm a stay-at-home mom," and my husband works to support us. But in reality, you know, they have a TikTok following of 100 million people. They have, you know, a gazillion YouTube followers, and they have brand deals with, you know, bread makers and things like that, and dresses, and so, um, and all these high-end sponsorships. And so they're not being completely honest when they say that they're a stay-at-home mom or a stay-at-home wife. And that's something I had to be more transparent about too. Cuz when we first started, you know, I wasn't working at all, you know, for the longest time. And when we got into BDSM, that's how it always was. And so when I started DomSub living and had this blog, it was just a hobby blog. I wasn't making any money from it for like years. So when my followers would ask me, you know, if I worked, you know, I would say no, I don't work. So as I started making some money from this, you know, not a lot, you know, just a little bit of supplemental income, but, you know, and just working one or two hours a day, you know, I started being more transparent that, you know, yeah, I don't work outside the house. You know, I just work one or two days at home because I don't want someone to see my lifestyle and think, you know, "Oh, I have to do it the way Alessandra does it, and, you know, she doesn't work." And no, like, I work a little bit. And if you want to work, then then work. Like no one should stop you. And so try not to, you know, see these tradwives or anyone on the internet for that matter, and try to live your life like them because you don't see everything that goes on behind closed doors. Um, and so again, a lot of these people, you know, they're rich. And, you know, these tradwives are saying, you know, "Oh, I live on a farm, and we just live a really simple life." And they're leaving out the fact that I know in one case, like one of them has a super rich father who is like a CEO of this huge multi-million dollar company. I forget the company, but, um, so they're leaving out these little details, or they have help at home. Um, and so you can't take everything that you see in a, you know, 10-second TikTok and just think that's a perfect life.
So the tradwife dynamic, it just really has this homogeneous expectations. You have to fit this mold, um, and just be really, really traditional. And that kind of just contrasts with how much I love the BDSM community's, you know, inclusivity and how they celebrate diversity. And so if you're thinking at this point, like, "Well, actually, the tradwife dynamic kind of like appeals to me." Like, I'm not going to fault you on that. Like, I think it's super appealing too. But there is consent involved. You know, I don't want to be a part of any dynamic that says, "Just because I'm the woman, I have to be this role." Um, I want to be able to choose my role. Um, and that's why I think it's so empowering. And I do like the 1950s kink of domestic service, and I, I do love doing things like that. And sometimes I love dressing up and and doing that "I Love Lucy" lifestyle. But I, I choose it. And that 1950s kink has, you know, those safeguards in place. And so if you're thinking, "Well, this kind of appeals to me," like, I would highly recommend, you know, checking out kink and BDSM and that 1950s, you know, kind of dynamic because there's just a lot of issues with the tradwife lifestyle that we discussed. And again, I'm not here to fault anyone. Um, I think everyone should feel empowered in their dynamic and what they choose, but to be cognizant and aware of what message that is giving.
And so this is something we've dealt with, and even people have brought up with me before, is, you know, even as a BDSM submissive, what message am I giving to my children? Especially because my children are boys. And so I'm very aware, and my husband too, of what this could look like to our children. And so we always make sure that they see that, you know, we're happy, that this is a dynamic that, you know, we're choosing. Obviously, they don't see the kink and things like that, but they see my Dom, like, even checking in with me, "Do you need help with that? You know, how's, how are things going?" Um, and believe me, as the only female in the house, as a feminist, and a house full of boys, like, we have lots of conversations about feminism, women's rights, toxic masculinity. So like, we're constantly having these conversations. And so, you know, if you have children, you know, make sure you have those conversations too. We, we talk about gender, we talk about sexuality, even, and how we just have to be accepting and celebrating of everyone's right to live the life that they want to live. So we've had these conversations before where we say, you know, "Just because I, you know, stay home for the most part and only work a little bit, and your dad is the main, you know, breadwinner, that doesn't mean that has to be the dynamic and the relationship and the marriage that you have later in life. You get to design your own relationships. And we want them to be happy. That's the main thing."
So no matter what dynamic you choose, make sure you have consent, you have negotiation, you have those safeguards in place. And again, this episode wasn't to bash any dynamic. I just feel it's super valuable to understand and respect various lifestyle choices and at the same time advocate for informed and consensual relationship dynamics. And if you're a tradwife or you're into BDSM, if you want to become a better submissive, or you're a Dom who wants to help their sub improve, I have a free "How to Be a Good Sub" cheat sheet you can download at DomSub.com/sub. And it includes a list of tips for how to improve in the submissive role and what makes a good sub. So you can download that for free at DomSub.com/sub. Thank you for joining me and being a part of the Dom Subl community. You can check out all of the details and links for this episode in the description and show notes. And be sure to hit subscribe so you never miss an episode.
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